MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

You helped your parents at a time of need. Your MIL and SIL are not medically compromised, they’re just unreasonable and mercenary. They sound v unpleasant. Your husband needs to stop the guilt tripping, the pandering to their envy and unjust demands, besides you will never repair the relationship by acquiescing to their self serving agenda. All you will do is to feed their sense of entitlement, and as time goes by you will start to see your husband as weak and disloyal. You are having a baby, you have big responsibilities and they must come first. You married to support one another. If your mother in law falls ill, no doubt HER daughter will step up and you will help and be supportive. Your father’s ill health should not be used as a bargaining chip to extract ‘the readies’ from you. Your in-laws don’t sound very moral. You are being blackmailed.

I am going to be honest OP, I think your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law have behaved atrociously. We don’t own family members, and I would have thought they would have supported you fully in helping your parents out when your dad was in a time of need. I’m actually quite disgusted with the way that they have behaved and treated you both, I think it’s horrendous and I would be upset as well. I know none of that is helpful in terms of fixing the situation but maybe try to reach out again and have a conversation about what’s underpinning all of this and why it’s impacted them so much.

Paying medical bills would have been a nice gesture. But beyond that your husband is paying his mother to maintain friendly relations with him. That's really sad OP.

Obviously it's crap because it's rewarding terrible behaviour and all those reasons too, but mainly it's just really sad.

That is nuts - she sounds very greedy and has emotionally blackmailed your son into giving her money!!! What a vile woman.

Why doesn’t he just agree to pay her medical bills if she ever becomes unwell? That way she can’t say he’s being unfair

@leonorrr

Neither of you “chose” your parents over your in‑laws, you responded to a medical emergency. Your father was seriously ill, hospitalised for a month, and insurance only covered 45%. That’s not a luxury expense. That’s not optional. That’s not “favouritism”. That’s basic humanity. Any reasonable person would understand that when a parent is critically ill, you step in if you can. Your siblings contributed too - you simply paid more because you earned more. That’s not hijacking anyone; that’s being responsible.

Your MIL’s reaction is not about money, it’s about control and insecurity.
Calling you both “not family anymore” because you helped your own parents is deeply manipulative. It’s also revealing: the MIL seems to believe that her son’s income should be prioritised for her and her daughter, and that the OP’s parents are somehow less deserving. That’s not cultural. That’s not misunderstanding. That’s entitlement.

And the SIL’s behaviour - excluding you from a party, ignoring calls, suggests she’s aligning with her mother’s narrative. Did yiou side line them whilst your dad stayed with you, were you withdrawn from his side fo the family and did they understand it was because you were looking after Dad?

The “fixed percentage of income” idea is a massive red flag.
A monthly tithe to his mother? For what? She’s not ill, not struggling, not asking for help with a crisis. She’s angry because the OP’s parents had an emergency and were supported. That’s not a reason to start financially supporting another household. Your financial priority must be your own children, home, and stability - not appeasing an offended MIL.

Your husband is hurting, but he’s reacting emotionally, not logically. He’s sad his family has turned cold. That’s understandable. But giving them money won’t fix the underlying issue because the issue isn’t money. It’s resentment, jealousy, and a belief that they are owed something. If he starts paying them monthly, it will become an expectation, not a gesture. And it will create a permanent financial drain on a growing family.

Your Spanish background matters but not in the way the MIL thinks. In many Spanish families, supporting parents during illness is normal, expected, and respected. Your MIL’s reaction is not cultural, it’s personal. If anything, your actions would be seen as admirable in many Spanish households.

The MIL and SIL are punishing you for being generous and somehow think its at their expense. That’s the saddest part. You helped your parents through a crisis, housed them for six months, and still included your SIL’s children in outings and gifts. And instead of appreciation, you got hostility. That’s not normal. That’s not fair. And it’s not your fault. They have no right to expect you to help support his sister, except maybe in an emergency. That is entitlement.

The answer is not giving them money, I suspect the issue is that they felt pushed out and deprioritised when you looked after your Dad and they felt relegated to the bank bench. I suspect the MIL felt she was denied access to her son as he was prioritising (quite understandably in the circumstances) your family. And money should not be the answer to this.

To appease them, I would not make a longterm financial commitment. Maybe suggest a weekend away somewhere ,self catering and if you really must, then volunteer to pay for the accommodation for MIIL & SIL. Apologise if they felt pushed out but tell them that if MIL had the same medical experience they would do the same for them if they were able.

But my take is that you need to set boundaries and not act out of guilt:

• No monthly payments.
• No financial commitments to appease hurt feelings.
• No chasing people who are choosing to be cruel.
• Focus on your own children and the new baby.
• Let the in‑laws sit with their own behaviour.

If the MIL and SIL want a relationship, they need to rebuild trust - not demand money and maybe you could do that in a short break?

If you must it may be easier for the finances if you extend your mortgage and set a lump fund up for the same amount spent on the grandpas medical bills.. perhaps in a trust that will revert to you that pays health insurance or a small extra income.. .
With the understanding that this is a drain that means in an emergency your husband will not have the same family resources to help her as you did when your dad was sick.
In this way changes will be made by her applying to a business third party. With genuine bills presented rather than ongoing emotionally and financially draining uncertainty.for her and your hubby and you. It might also offer protection if her change of personality is a symptom. I knew of a lady who ordered a hundreds of frozen dinners she was allergic to.. with no freezer at home.

honestly a lump sump or a limited time payment schedule until she gets the amount is going to be better. A double tythe is not a great idea. If your husband must give her 20% blank cheque still- perhaps still do it via a business third party to deal with her bill paying etc.. with a trust that reverts to you/thekids/stays with you.

Is this needed? will she be satisfied if she knows if she has an emergency and is a month in hospital and needs help with medical bills her insurance does not cover you will work with his sister to help pay bills directly to the medical people and will look after her the same as with the other grandparent?

She has no medical emergency so it feels like she is taking from her grandchildren because she does not like her son enough to admire his helping the kids grandparents-- and apprently does not care about her grandchildren enough to fake being glad their other grandpa survived a medical emergency....

I do wonder why she isnt trying to seem like a civilised person... could she be losing her cognitive function slowly? Your husband seems like good person so assume she is usually a lovely woman.

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another advantage of having a business adminster funds is you will all know your husband or MIL or SIl are not paying to a casion or something. lol

Maybe it's a cultural issue that's why it's just not the done thing in UK. DH being the only son is maybe classed as the breadwinner (joint breadwinner in his marriage) but also for his mum & sister. Assume FIL is no longer around & DH's sister hasn't found herself a rich husband.

I think you need to establish some boundaries where money is concerned firstly with your DH along the lines of if MIL ever needed hospital bills paying for something life-threatening then of course you would consider it but only on a needs basis - not an expectation. Forget the monthly umbilical cord/apron strings subscription.

Doesn't it sound really off that after being married to DH for 6 years, 2 children +1 on the way your MIL is demanding money because your father nearly died? Is she on the brink of homelessness? Did DH's father pay a tax to his parents every month, is it the done thing in spanish life, has she no shame?

She's drawn a line in the sand, there's no reason you can't draw one too - your terms, your marriage.

Your SIL's silence suggests she has possibly contributed alot to your MILs construction of events. If she ordinarily is in much more contact with you given she lives closer, is it possible her feelings over the focus on your father's ill health, led her to narrate the story of unfairness to her mother? Your husband clearly wants to repair any hurt or harm his family has felt, however moving straight to giving money without creating an opportunity to talk about what has been said might mean you dont get to move forward in the way that puts this development in context. Can you arrange to meet and talk letting your MILknow that whilst you are grateful she told you how she was feeling, you have been shocked to hear what was troubling her and very surprised it had not been raised earlier when concerns were first coming to light.

I was first puzzled as to how they knew the intricacies of your finances as a family, as your DH been unhappy secretly and then ranted to them but didn't expect her to handle it that way?
Then you confirmed it, that he probably casually shared, judging by the culture I come from, if you want a peaceful marital life, if you genuinely love your spouse, there are some details of your marriage that should never roll off your lips to anyone, the health & breakdown of your finances is one of them.

And then, he wants to hand her 20% of his monthly earnings on top of paying for all her monthly bills and medicals, that might come down to 40 of 50% of his monthly earnings in total at the end of the day.

DONT SAY YES TO THIS, DON'T START WHAT YOU CANNOT FINISH, it's better to confirm their suspicions now, than to suffer in silence for years, don't burn yourself to keep others warm, especially those who hate you anyways.

Absolutely, he should take care of his mum, but you both will discuss and agree on a reasonable amount/threshold for that, not the ins*nity he's about to sign, except he's really not on your side and has just been waiting for an opportunity to put away some of his money from the general purse.

Taking care of her monthly bills and all medicals (IF NEED ARISES) is still reasonable. But paying her x amount additionally to that every month is not, or he just gives her X amount every month and it ends there. But she cannot eat her cake and have it, you guys have a growing family.

Again, all this is on your husband. He is the orchestrator of all these, he's not a victim, so you guys need to have raw, honest conversations, let him spill the true state of his heart towards you, your family and financial arrangement so far.

Question: But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too? No, but the MIL's feelings are important and probably not unfounded. Examine your own feeling patiently to see if you are "one-sided" . Sadly, many women and men do this, selfishly. MIL's feelings are real and possibly based on some truth. She longs for "family" to include her son and you & your children. Not an unreasonably desire or demand in old age!!

Jealousy jealousy jealousy! What a twisted besom she is!

I agree wholeheartedly with this. They seem to be incredibly upset and jealous that they are not getting 'their share' as if they are somehow entitled to equal parts of your time, money and attention, completely overlooking the fact that those things have been given to your parents because of a genuine and deeply unpleasant and horrible medical need/life event. It all seems horribly transactional and speaks volumes about their maturity, priorities and values. Im sure of your MIL or SIL had cancer or a similar level event, you would rally round. What do they want handouts for? Is it just to make it 'fair' or balance the scales? Im sure your parents would rather have had uninterrupted health than the financial assistance. Honestly your inlaws sound like nasty people.

It is always best to keep very quiet about how much money you have and how you spend it. People are really weird about money and often feel entitled to spend other people's and then get resentful when it isn't available.

I'm assuming you are not in the UK , because medical bills are not really a thing here. I also don't understand the attitude you should "help" your SIL because you earn well. Honestly all families have disparity of income, I have never met one where those who earn more subsidise those who earn less- you might help if there were a crisis, if you were able, but even that is very much optional.

She said she's in Spain, but medical bills aren't a thing there either.

I did ask but was ignored. Fair enough, she doesn't have to answer me, but I'm surprised everyone else is just gliding along with the idea you have to pay huge medical bills and have your parents move in with you for half a year if your parents have a health crisis.

Spain has good universal health care.

It's not a US American or Indian post (to begin with I assumed one of the two).

What did your husband say to his mother to shut her down?? He needs to grow a spine. No way should he be sending her money monthly. If she needs support and help she can ask like an adult rather than throwing a tantrum like a toddler.

I agree with this absolutely 100%.

Having a husband who is a weakling isn't very appealing.
I hope OP you will update us about any conversations you have had with DH to reach a solution.
You can't just agree to something because MIL has thrown a tantrum. Her demands are unreasonable.
If you continue to pay MIL monthly that is going to end up in resentment in the long run because you don't know how long the payments will carry on for.
Also what about the financial situation for your own children. You need think about your own needs.
Best wishes.

Why do family know about the financial situation? This is extremely odd.and unnecessary.

Secondly, let them get on with it. They're being childish.

The Spanish catholic church used to only charge 10% (diezmo)... 20% is far too much.

Calculate, don't go along with blackmail. Work out how much he actually paid for your parents. Compare his and your parents' financial situations. Make a long term budget for your own family/kids.

Does your SIL have a partner? Can you have a chat with them to figure out what is really going on? It can help to get a step away from the 35 year old crazy family dynamics.

Tell him he appears to prioritise his mother's blackmail over his children's needs.

I’m not really sure I understand the post properly. Are you saying that your mother-in-law wants you to also give them some cash because you helped your own dad when he was sick?

First of all as others have said, why isn’t the mother talking to her son? Second of all if they have decided to distance themselves from you then I’d take that as a win. I Hope your husband steps up in this scenario and deals with it properly - like a grown-up.

Absolute insanity and probabaly one of the most ridiculous things ive read on here - and thats saying something. Your husband needs to grow a pair - hes about to have a third child ffs! Your mother in law is a bully. You two need to seriously consider if this woman in worth having in your lives...

I have to wonder if MIL has some kind of personality disorder - who the heck throws a jealous tantrum over someone being stuck in hospital?

Since she's gone silent I can only presume the trash has taken itself out, and please let me say what she should have - congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope everything goes well for you!

My husband is Spanish too. Sounds like a MIL issue. My MIL and FIL would never behave like that. Family is everything to them, both sides. She sounds awful. Does your husband stand up to her?