MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

So his mother has been emotionally abusive and thrown her toys out the pram and your response is to validate her and give her money?!

Fucking hell.

I'd be saying not a fucking chance. If she actually needs it yes but this is just pure greed and you will resent her and your husband for it.

And I note: no apology to you.

She should get absolutely nothing until she does.

She could have discussed this like an adult. Instead she threw insults about about you instead of saying 'would it be possible to get some help?'

No fucking way. She will walk all over you and ruin your relationship with your husband because she knows she can.

You said you are a Spanish family. This explains much of this. Spanish mothers and sons. I'm surprised you don't understand this ?

oh good grief, how awful. I wouldn't be blackmailed by her.

I'd make a one off severance payment, and tell her never to darken my door again.

OP. both you and Dh have been conditioned to think of things like this

MIL = good deserving person ... OP and DH = bad ungrateful children.

You must know this isn't true.

I am concerned about the speed with which this ludicrous scheme has come about.. Suddenly.. the woman who talks about hijacking has come up with her list of demands. 20 bloody per cent of everything he earns? plus additional private medical bills when they arise.

This has been well thought out and calculated. Designed to even things up in their eyes (which is ridiculous) No wonder your MIL wasn't pleased about your pregnancy.. that's another child your DH will have to provide for so less money available for her!!!
But what I would be him asking is.. Did your DH even TRY to negotiate with the Emotional Blackmailer who has clearly said to you that you are no longer family? She's effectively asking you to take out a subscription to resume family membership. What are the actual benefits if she graciously acknowledges you again?

Do you have a priest/vicar or similar. Maybe you should both go and see him and ask him if you are a bad person if you don't agree to do this. I guarantee they wouldn't think it was a good idea.

FOLLOW THE MONEY. Spreadsheet this. Put it all out there in black and white
Your outgoings.
Your income.
His income.
Projected childcare costs, mortgage, bills etc.
Savings.
PENSIONS. LIFE INSURANCE.
How much money is your DH left with at the end of the month? (not asking you to say any of this here, Just something for you to consider. )
Will you need a bigger car/more bedrooms for 3 children.
What if DH gets made redundant. how long would it take to save 6 months expenses? What if one of the DC needs some kind of private tuition or medical emergency..
Also have you both made a will and appointed a guardian (NOT MIL!) and do you both have a will where the money goes to the surviving spouse and children ?
Work out what 20 per cent etc would look like in real terms. net or after tax?
When is he expected to start this. I'm guessing immediately.

Does this mean that you would have to go back to work earlier than you'd hoped?
What will child care cost for 3 children if you do....
That 20 per cent is depriving you both of a lot of your future plans. Think of the benefits to your children if you sacrificed 20 per every month to save for their future needs. How would you even manage to meet those needs if you both proceed with this awful plan.

Put all this out on paper and challenge DH on every point. It will be tough but no one else is going to fight for your children and your unborn baby it seems.

Imagine if yourself ringing this MIL and saying "Yes. I am a bad person, so bad that I am not going to let you do this to my children. If you don't drop this you will never see any of us again."
Does that sound extreme to you?
Because its exactly what she is saying to you.

Presumably you’re not in the UK if you’ve had medical bills, so are there cultural issues?
Either way I would cut her off completely

How awful! Is she seriously jealous that you helped medical bills ? Try not to lose sleep over this. You did a fantastic thing and she is completely unreasonable.

Can be private care in UK too. We are trying save to get my son seen for private treatment which isn't covered under NHS and our private health insurance also won't cover it. My MIL also had private chemotherapy as there was a better medication available privately and not within NHS will less side effects. So lots of reasons for medical bills in the UK too.

Excuse me ?? Are you serious ? This sounds like financial abuse

Can’t argue with stupid.
Whatever your response, let your H do it.
ex. What would you suggest? that leonnor let her Dad die because you are jealous/unhinged?

Isn't there Universal Healthcare in the UK? That said, Why do they even know that you helped your Father financially? This is why you don't discuss your finances at all beyond with your spouse.
Enjoy the silence. I always say that the Silent treatment is a gift, not a punishment.
In fact, If one wants to play Silent treatment Chicken with me....I'm a better chicken :)

I'm assuming you aren't in the UK so all replies youre getting will be from our point of view.

This is the problem. Hubby needs to stop sharing info. Your finances are between the two of you.

er what about yours! He’s gone crazy

Do you have separate spending money?

You need to have both salaries into the bill account, bills paid, savings etc sorted and then you split the rest. He pays his mother out of his spends because otherwise you are paying it too.

If she had the same issue with a medical bill then that would be different and I am sure you would have no problem doing for her what you did for your dad. But paying 20% of income every single month MUST come from his money, not joint money.

If you insist on this then he might rethink.

Goodness. In this equitable dishing out of your nuclear family resources, you need to do the exact same for your parents. 20% of salary, all fbills and any current and future medical expenses. I’m sure your MIL would only think it fitting considering the fuss she made about your support for your parents during a serious medical need.

In all seriousness, you’ve two children, and a third on the way. And your MIL will be happy to siphon off resources from them. If she was ill, or needed care, that would be one thing. But that is not the situation, is it? Maybe she has a third cousin, four times removed who would like a little of your nuclear family resources too. Since your MIL is happy to take from your children… .

They’d re being ridiculous! All you had to say was if it happened to you we would help the same way . Your mil is not your responsibility or your husbands . They seem very toxic and I think in the long run you are better off without them . Awful to ignore the fact you are pregnant too . Just keep them away as much as you can .

My first rule is never discuss finances with friends or family. No matter how close you are!
‘Jealousy is the nature of the beast’ as they say!

MIL/SIL totally unreasonable, disrespectful and very greedy!

Your DH should be the one to deal with his family. Let them be for now. If they try to contact you/DH then He needs to be firm and clear around the total lack of respect for his DW/family and personal choices around his own finances. Absolutely none of their business. Ensure they are aware how disgraceful their behaviour has been,

NEVER tell the in laws (or anyone else for that matter) another thing about your personal finances.

It’s personal for a reason!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Enjoy this time with your own family and DH.

It is IMO. I'd be telling him I will separate if he tries to do this. I'd see an attorney to be safe and know my rights.

The only part of this thats you being 'unreasonable' is bothering and trying to fix it. Life's too short to try with people like that. I would message your points so it's written down clearly, then leave them. Don't cave.

Surely it would be better to top up their health insurance, they must be on the basic system at least as they are comfortably well off.
Also ask your siblings to pay their difference on what the cost was over the next few years.
I am in France so I do understand but I am astonished that the Spanish system your father’s did not cover health care as it does in France. Forewarned is forearmed. I only have had to pay for food and a private room as extras when I have been hospitalized here.

MIL wants her son to pony up hard cash her way, though. Like a monthly income. He apparently wants to pay all her monthly bills on top of that too. So the hard cash can be free for spending. That is aside from medical insurance, or medical bills.

What repercussions this will have in the home of the soon to be three children, seems to be immaterial, too.

She's not in the UK.

Lol re universal healthcare. Sure if you’re prepared to go blind waiting for cataract treatment, become permanently disabled due to deterioration on a waiting list for hip or knee replacement surgery, lose months or years of life while you languish on a waiting list for a scan and your cancer becomes inoperable etc…

I’m sure if it were the wife complaining about the husband financially contributing to his family, the tone would be vastly different on MN.

your mother in law needs to speak with her son about this first and foremost.