Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

I was told by my late husband's ex (when I took her to a hospital appointment) that she was going on an 18th birthday trip with her daughter and granddaughter. I thought that it was a muli-generational girls' weekend and said something like "Oh, that's lovely."

The ex had recently been widowed for the second time, so I thought "Oh, that's good that they're looking out for her."

When the pictures went up on social media, it became clear that the only family member not invited was my frail husband: DH's son and DIL were there, as was his daughter's best friend. When he later asked his daughter why he'd not been invited it was "Oh. I didn't think you'd want to go."

When I later told the son that his dad hadn't been invited (after DH had snapped when something was said about the birthday weekend) his son looked genuinely shocked: "I didn't know Dad wasn't invited."

I'm convinced that the daughter didn't want to have to make accommodations for my husband's disabilities. (He had mobility problems meaning that I had to help him dress and to cut up his food for him.)

I'm wondering whether the the OP's GD has now decided that she doesn't want to have to allow for the needs of an elderly family member?

I think there is more to this, and would love to hear the story from the GDs side.
There is a huge back story - desertion by Dad, being made homeless, Granny and Grandad separated, no real connection between GDs family and Dad's family for a while.
When did 'step' granny come in the scene?
OP you sound as though you are trying to force a family relationship. Your DIL probably feels duty bound to try and facilitate that relationship for her DCs, but maybe the DCs aren't as keen. It still sounds as though GD has been rather railroaded into what is to happen in what should be her day. I think you maybe need to step back a bit.

Perfect. (Not a bit stiff, but appropriately matter of fact)
I’m appalled you have had to do it, as it is distressing for you. Still, I’m really pleased you have told them you will both be having a jolly old jaunt to Oxford regardless, and that’s that.

Imagine how the female dons in DLS’ Gaudy Night would have regarded such behaviour.
Still, I’m horribly fascinated, and hope young Rumpola will hurry up and explain herself.

@ProfessoressaSazzasez - about your (step) grand-daughter's results, I remember back in the day when I was a student, the results of Oxford University Finals were published in The Times. (I particularly remember this as I had to go to Victoria Station to get the first edition with, and later hold the head of, a friend the night her results came out and she had celebrated them not too wisely, but well!) I presume this no longer happens (it was 50 years ago and I've lived away from England for decades now, so I don't know!
I hope it all works out well and turns out to be a misunderstanding, easily rectified.

Hang on, she's telling you what to wear?????
That'd be a no from me!
What's this trend these days of people dictating what others wear to occasions?
And to not be happy with a 2.1 in law shouts super brat! Law is a hard subject. My daughter got a 2.1 in law and was so over the moon I didn't think she'd touch ground again.
Do yourself and your husband a favour and save yourselves the hassle of travelling to this ungrateful spoiled brats day.
And saying her mum might not get a day off says to me that the brat wants nobody there. Graduation date is known well in advance so days off can be booked & other arrangements made
I work at a University and on graduation week I see kids who are genuinely happy and excited for their future and celebrating with their loved ones then I see divas mostly girls who treat the occasion like a huge publicity thing for their social media regardless of the grade they got
Im Sorry for the way you have been treated but step back

It isn't clear that they were clearly invited to the graduation by the GD.

OP only says that "OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together". That isn't a clear instruction from the GD.

And what about the grandad who isn't a "step" grandad as you put it

I was referring to a post where someone called you step grandma. My point was that the grandad in this situation isn't being treated well either. It wasn't a dig at either of you.

And when I said “shall I book?” & they said “yes”, that’s what we understood, otherwise I wouldn’t have.

If it was this clear - not sure why you used phrasing we understood ie assumptions were made rather than we all agreed that we would book- but if it really was that clear - this is not miscommunication at all - it's just straight up rudeness from DGC and at this stage DIL.

I will book followed by wtf have you booked reponse - is frankly bizzare.

I do not know what you have done to upset her to this extent - perceived cristism of boyfriend degree grade something else or nothing at all but exist- but this level of rudness after a clearly agreed step followed by silence and none reponse to messages that's not looking good for an ongoing relationship but I can't see any other option but to keep trying to talk to them.

Hopefully at some point DIL or DGC will get in touch or respond to you and have some sort of explination - but right now none of this makes any kind of sense - and she just looks beyond rude.