Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

A few suggestions, as your wording does come across as quite passive aggressive (understand it’s too late now, but for any future communication):

Said we’re sorry if there’s a misunderstanding, though we don’t understand how.
Said GC1 and we could have communicated better, and we apologise for that. & been more understanding. Pointed out communication skills are life skills & avoid embarrassment.
Said we understand tickets to the event are limited & we are not at all bothered whether we’re while we would love to be in the room or not. celebrating GC1’s marvellous achievements, we’re excited to celebrate with the entire family later in the day.
Said we’re sorry to hear DiL is having difficulty getting time off work & hope that has been resolved & she can be there.
Pointed out that by the time GC1 replied it was too late for us to cancel the booking, so it stands.
Said we plan to be using it.
As the accommodation is booked and paid for, we plan to be in the vicinity for any events that might take place to mark the occasion and will have 3 bedrooms available to any family members who need them.
And that as they know OH’s state of health they will know why we are staying for the two nights - and that this of course need have no bearing on what they decide to do.
Pointed out there are another 3 beds available in the flat, & that if any of the three of them needs them for either night, they will be very welcome, & if they want to meet for a drink or a meal either evening, to let us know.
And that literally All we want to do is to cheer GC1 when she emerges with a parchment to celebrate her incredible accomplishment. And that it would be a great pity if she doesn’t have people who care for her there.

I agree with @MeetMeOnTheCorner in that DGD may have forgotten to book the guest tickets. Rather than tell the truth she may be making a scene so that people won’t come rather than her admit they can’t come. This might tie in with her perfectionism (and apparent immaturity).

I hope humility is a lesson she learns pretty soon if she wants to work with people as a career. I work with undergraduates and being able to put their hand up and admit to having made a balls up of something is a skill I rarely see. I hear excuses, I hear blame, I hear fibs but rarely do I hear the words “Sorry, I’ve made a mistake and got it wrong” which ironically would increase everyone’s respect for them.

I agree with @MeetMeOnTheCorner in that DGD may have forgotten to book the guest tickets. Rather than tell the truth she may be making a scene so that people won’t come rather than her admit they can’t come. This might tie in with her perfectionism (and apparent immaturity).

I hope humility is a lesson she learns pretty soon if she wants to work with people as a career. I work with undergraduates and being able to put their hand up and admit to having made a balls up of something is a skill I rarely see. I hear excuses, I hear blame, I hear fibs but rarely do I hear the words “Sorry, I’ve made a mistake and got it wrong” which ironically would increase everyone’s respect for them.

Let's bonfire it - along with passive aggressive and narcissist.

I don't mind them when used properly, but they have leached out into common parlance to mean, respectively, a self-righteousness about being selfish, someone daring to behave off-script ,and the term for a person who does things that annoy you.

Really sorry you are heartbroken over this. I would be, if l was in the same position as you.

You seem like a real loving person. A lot of young adults would be more than pleased to have a caring Gran like you.

Your GD sounds a bit selfish and haughty to me. It is not as though she has paid for the flat. She has made mess of things and is trying to blame you.

To keep the peace if you can't get a refund on your flat. Just turn up have a proper English breakfast at a nearby cafe.

If you can't find one see if you can find a Wetherspoons. They do a decent brekkie

At most graduation ceremonies. They used to take official photos and have videos for sale. Probably old hat now. But l suspect students and their parents will be recording stuff on mobiles. If this is allowed.

So don't worry you will be able to get a photo/recording from somewhere.

Hope Grand dad and all of your family enjoy the day.

🎓👏👍😻
X

Just turn up have a proper English breakfast at a nearby cafe.

Why on earth are you telling OP what to have for breakfast? Very bizarre.

@ProfessoressaSazzasez is clearly an intelligent woman. She doesn't need advice on what to eat.

Don't tell me you booked the accommodation BEFORE you'd run them by your daughter-in-law and grandchild. I've read on this forum a couple of times now that people just book things on behalf of others without checking with them first, or getting a clear OK from them first...this is what happens as a result.

With that said, your family were extremely rude to you, and I'd be taking a step back and leave them be. They know where to find you if they come to their senses and wish to give you an apology.

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

I agree with @MeetMeOnTheCorner in that DGD may have forgotten to book the guest tickets. Rather than tell the truth she may be making a scene so that people won’t come rather than her admit they can’t come. This might tie in with her perfectionism (and apparent immaturity).

I hope humility is a lesson she learns pretty soon if she wants to work with people as a career. I work with undergraduates and being able to put their hand up and admit to having made a balls up of something is a skill I rarely see. I hear excuses, I hear blame, I hear fibs but rarely do I hear the words “Sorry, I’ve made a mistake and got it wrong” which ironically would increase everyone’s respect for them.

Thank you to everyone for your takes, sympathy, advice & perspectives.

I felt we’d better make a decision while there’s still time - leave things unsaid & eventually there is no need to say them.

So I’ve emailed all three of them.

Said we’re sorry if there’s a misunderstanding, though we don’t understand how.

Said GC1 could have communicated better & been more understanding. Pointed out communication skills are life skills & avoid embarrassment.

Said we understand tickets to the event are limited & we are not at all bothered whether we’re in the room or not.

Said we’re sorry to hear DiL is having difficulty getting time off work & hope that has been resolved & she can be there.

Pointed out that by the time GC1 replied it was too late for us to cancel the booking, so it stands.

Said we plan to be using it.

And that as they know OH’s state of health they will know why we are staying for the two nights - and that this of course need have no bearing on what they decide to do.

And that literally all we want to do is to cheer GC1 when she emerges with a parchment. And that it would be a great pity if she doesn’t have people who care for her there.

Pointed out there are another 3 beds available in the flat, & that if any of the three of them needs them for either night, they will be very welcome, & if they want to meet for a drink or a meal either evening, to let us know.

And that’s all.

I sounded rather stiff & snotty, I must say, & I feel as if Ive lobbed a grenade…

But we’ll go & have a nice wander round Oxford & maybe I’ll look up my brother for a cuppa.

(I do hope she hasn’t screwed up her degree & been too scared to say, though…)

I really don’t know.

She has been the youngest in her cohort all her life, & seems keen do this parliamentary assistant job, or a masters for a year.

She has always been a perfectionist with a strong work ethic - at school she was disappointed that “only” 7 of her GCSEs were A*, and the other 5 or 6 mere As, so I do think the 2:1 has been a bit of a setback for her.

That certainly doesn’t come from us. OH got a 2:1. I got a first (to my surprise, though apparently not other people’s). But then, I didn’t go to Oxford. People simply don’t care about it after the first job or so.

And an Oxford 2:1 in jurisprudence, at age 20 when she did the finals, is nothing to be sneezed at.

Also: I know people have been talking about boundaries. I think this is one. It’s absolutely not our place to interfere in her choices of study/career.

We have no legal relatives (indeed she has very few relatives at all) or contacts in the law who could advise.

But anyway: that’s not our job!