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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want distance from friends who trigger heavy drinking?

106 replies

damnbeaver · 13/09/2026 13:59

Dh and I occasionally, roughly once a month, spend time with a large group of friends who all drink a lot. We used to hang out with them more before we moved out of London.

I want to stop drinking, maybe not fully as I do enjoy a pint or two and a good chat down the pub, but certainly want to quit drinking as much as I end up doing when we hang out with this group. I always feel terrible the next day, crying, with awful hanxiety. It always ruins the rest of my weekend, the following week, and makes both me and dh kind of moody for days thereafter which increases the risk of petty/unnecessary arguments and bickering in the week that follows.

Dh is understanding about me wanting to drink less but also doesn’t really want to step back from the group in the same way I do. He also ends up drinking a lot, even when he expresses to me beforehand that he doesn’t want to let it spiral. This also means we’re wasting hundreds of pounds on alcohol every month…

I read on the internet that sometimes addiction is not about seeking out the vice (alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, whatever it may be) but that it sometimes is driven by environmental triggers, so if you find yourself in certain environments you can’t stop yourself/your brain finds ways to justify indulging even though you don’t really want to do it/you’ve been “behaving” for weeks/months. I think that’s how it feels when we spend time with them. When we’re not around this group we have a very normal and healthy relationship with alcohol and don’t smoke at all.

Has anybody been through something similar? How did you navigate this?

OP posts:

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 10:59

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 14/09/2026 10:42

I do agree that you have a problematic relationship with alcohol and it’s worth exploring. There’s something about this situation that brings out an inability in you to control yourself. That is still an inability to control yourself even if other situations don’t trigger you in the same way. You absolutely should be able to go out with these people and say no alcohol. If you just stop hanging out with them, it won’t solve the deep down issue because what about the next trigger that comes up? Also if they are so unsupportive of others, joking about someone’s AA attempt or them being pregnant or whatever, they are really not nice people.

Thanks for this. You make some very good points. Although I think you’re making an assumption when you say “what about the next trigger that comes up”.

That hasn’t happened and it might never happen - which is another, somewhat more optimistic assumption one could make about the future.

OP posts:

guinnessguzzler · 14/09/2026 11:13

It's great you want to do something to address this and people have given you some good tips here.

Despite my username I have never been a big drinker and rarely drink at all now. I have known a number of people affected by alcohol issues and I can honestly say this friendship group sound horrible, unsupportive and very unhealthy. I would also suggest it is quite unusual to have a group of around 20 or so people in their 30s / 40s getting together on a pretty much monthly basis for this level of drinking activity. I wonder why you are putting so much effort into retaining these friends? You have moved several hours away and are still going back, at great time and financial cost, regularly to go out on the piss with them. It sounds like maybe you have moved on but are struggling to let go of a way of life or point in time.

I know you feel confident that any issues with alcohol are only with this group but I wonder if it's also worth reflecting on the frequency of these get-togethers. Do they give you and / or your partner the opportunity to blow off steam as a 'one-off' in a way that you crave? So whilst it is easy in-between, actually these sessions come round so quickly that you're never really that far away from one.

Flamingojune · 14/09/2026 11:16

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 09:41

Probably, who knows? It's not really the point of this thread though, we're not talking about disordered eating. OP is showing classic signs of a problematic relationship with alcohol. She's taking steps to address that, which is brilliant. People minimising isn't really helping her.

Show quote history

I would think any type of addictive behaviour comes from the same place, be it food, alcohol, drugs, sex etc

Flamingojune · 14/09/2026 11:18

mrsm43s · 14/09/2026 10:03

People without problematic relationships with alcohol can moderate themselves in ALL situations. You can't.

Show quote history

Is there evidence to back that up?

Original poster

damnbeaver · 14/09/2026 11:45

guinnessguzzler · 14/09/2026 11:13

It's great you want to do something to address this and people have given you some good tips here.

Thanks for this considered comment. I do think it gives dh a chance to blow off steam, yeah. For me, it only creates more steam… it’s a bit of a project getting there and back and I find it quite stressful and unfulfilling because I prefer having conversations that are more meaningful when I spend time with people and it’s hard to do that when everybody is getting pissed. I’ve also never really liked drinking, I dislike the taste of alcohol and the hangover that follows.

I think we’re putting effort into the friendship because of a shared history/knowing each other for so long and because, though I can see why it doesn’t seem like it, most of them are lovely and supportive people. I’ve only given you a snapshot in this thread so I wouldn’t want you to judge them only based on that.

But combining what you’re saying with some of the other suggestions in this thread I think swapping these sessions with other activities in smaller groups where drinking isn’t the primary activity might be a good idea.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 14/09/2026 12:07

I stopped drinking 3 years ago. There are absolutely people and situations I don’t enjoy being in now. Once you don’t drink, you really notice how dysfunctional and frankly boring your heavy drinking friends are.

It’s fine to step back from this group. If your Dh wants to still go out with them, that’s fine, let him manage himself, but also it’s his personal money he’s spending, not your joint money. My dh still goes to the pub occasionally with friends, but he’s not paying for it from our joint account.

If you want to still maintain these friendships, orchestrate time together that isn’t built around heavy drinking. Breakfast, a hike, a picnic with the kids, going paint balling, tea and cake at yours. Some will avoid because they only want to get drunk. But I guarantee that there will absolutely be several who feel exactly like you do and are grateful you suggested something that isn’t all about alcohol. You will build those friendships on new ground. There always has to be someone who goes first, but others will follow you, trust me. I now have lots of lovely friendships built around coffee on Sundays and long walks and going to the beach. Same friends but different era.

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