Do you force your kids to do extra-curriculars

The only thing I ever forced my daughter to do at primary school was swimming, and I felt that was an essential life skill. She tried a couple of after school clubs, but she decided that she would just rather come home and play when school finished. The only other extra curricular activities that she did were Kumon maths, which she was desperate to start in Year 1 because she was so bored with the level of work at school, and riding on Saturday mornings for a couple of years. She continued Kumon until she started Year 7, when she had an hour’s journey home from school and had difficulty getting to the classes in time. My daughter started learning to play the flute in Year 3 and continued this until Year 11, but at junior and secondary school, lessons were always during the school day. She was almost always enthusiastic about practising each night.

I agree with this. I am surprised as so many comments saying make her do it.

Not to every child though. I wanted to learn piano but after havig lessons learned that I’m not musically inclined at all and the hard work I was putting in gave so little progress it wasn’t worth it.

I changed to a different extra curricular that ended up being my degree subject and I have absolutely no regrets about not having pursued music further, it’s not for me.

I think it’s important that kids are given the opportunity to work that out for themselves but OP has given her daughter that.

I’d be asking what does she want to swap for.

Music has been wonderful for my DC, now in their late teens, but there was definitely a long phase (probably aged 6-10) when progress seemed a bit slow and I had to actively encourage them to practise their instrument. The real breakthrough was when they were able to play by ear and could start to play snatches of any tune they enjoyed. This should be even easier on the piano than on other instruments. My DC then started really enjoying it and of course the more you play the better it sounds…

I think stick with it for a bit longer, as you may be on the cusp of progress. Also remember that the skills involved in reading music and playing any instrument will themselves improve as she grows and develops.

Does she have books with versions of popular songs etc?

Could you compromise @Aplaceinthesunallweekend?

If the lessons are formal and geared towards exams, could she give up the lessons for the time being and just spend the same ½ hour at home playing for pleasure? (obviously will depend on you having a keyboard at home)

Definitely not, I’d maybe give her the option of trying a different instrument or a completely different activity instead. I don’t agree that it’s a gift if they don’t enjoy it, I was forced to do music until grade 8 and had no interest in it then and no interest now.

Mine gave up piano as they refused to practice and found it boring. I wish they’d continued but they didn’t enjoy it.

However they also had swimming lessons for years (which wasn’t a choice), they do martial arts, scouts and football. All of which they want to do. I’ve never forced them to do an activity they hate.

I would give it a bit of time and see if she settles from summer, if not then find something else. Does she do brownies or cubs or just dance?

My partner is a pianist and flautist who had a career as a primary teacher and also taught piano privately. I asked her about this thread and she asked first of all "Is the child doing the regular, essential practice at home between lessons? because if she isn't, she won't make enough progress and will not enjoy the lessons."

She then said she wouldn't advise parents to force a child if they persisted in saying they didn't like it.

I’d only ever make mine learn to swim confidently. Anything else totally their decision. We do lots of active things as a family so they have plenty of exercise

DS started piano last January and also has breaks in the holidays; left up to him I doubt he’d continue, but - like swimming - for now it’s a non negotiable. I’m not bothered about him doing grades, but having some musical knowledge and ability is an amazing skill, helps their brains and gives them a hobby to return to later.

He only has to go to a half hour lesson and I encourage him to practice once a week or thereabouts (I know that’s not enough, but for now I want to keep it fun).

In your shoes I’d say to her to stick with it, but take the pressure off eg no daily practice. If she’s still moaning by January maybe say she has to choose another extra curricular instead.

Like you, I didn’t stick at anything as a child and really regret it now.

Edited to add, DS did a year of Spanish once a week at school during lunch time (his request) but disliked it so I said he could drop it after an academic year - but I won’t let him do that with piano and he knows I want him to try out a sport (in addition to swimming and going to Beavers).

I try to strike a balance between being led by my children’s passions and interests when it comes to hobbies but not setting a precedent that they can drop things whenever they get a bit hard/unexciting. In your case I would talk it through with your child and give them a timeline for giving it a go and then re-assessing.

do you genuinely think that your child will love piano once they are proficient or are you projecting your own desires on them? I only ask because my dad desperately wanted me to learn an instrument and I just wasn’t musical and hated it. I don’t regret quitting at all and look back on those lessons as a complete waste. But I do regret not doing dance lessons as I’d love to be a good dancer. My DDs do dance lessons and have developed a real passion for it.

I cried every night before my violin lesson for about 6 weeks. My parents told me I had to continue til the end of term. I now have 2 degrees in music and am a music teacher! The repetitive nature of practice plus the difference in the idea of what you should be able to do clashing with what you ACTUALLY have to do to get there can be tricky. There are also plateaus in learning where you are consolidating skills rather than always moving on to new pieces and that is also really hard.

I would encourage her to continue for a bit but also speak to the teacher and ask for new ways to help motivate her. This year I’m using a grid of different things they have to do (one a week as I teach in school) and when the parents have initialled each one they get a treat. Things like ‘practised on a Thursday’, ‘found a new sound’, ‘played to my parents’, ‘listened to a new piece of music and told my teacher about it’. Practice charts and stickers can work wonders. As can find easy versions of something they’d LOVE to play. I don’t always mind what my students practise as long as they are actually getting their instrument out and playing. Can you find the tune to Harry Potter or similar for her to sit and work out or ask her teacher to show her to play? Sometimes it’s just finding the right ‘hook’ for each child. The teacher will want to know your daughter is struggling and find ways round that.

If she still feels the same by say, Christmas? I would maybe let her give it up then. Not every instrument is for everybody! But try and find some ways to encourage her first!

As someone who was told to continue piano when I truly hated it, please let them stop and find something they’re interested in.
I already played another instrument far better and was in two different sports teams so had plenty going on.
I think my mum was channeling the fact she always wanted to play and didn’t get the chance by making me do it. It’s a solitary instrument and you have to have a passion for it to enjoy it.
Save your money and see if she likes gymnastics if she enjoys dance, or cheerleading?
But don’t force a child to keep doing something they don’t enjoy.
DS started to learn trumpet and although he sounded awful, after the usual encouragement for a couple of months he clearly didn’t like it. But he tried it for long enough to be certain.

So he gave it up and started football alongside his rugby and basketball and loved them all. Music wasn’t his thing and that’s ok.

Yes and no, our eleven year old is a natural quitter due to confidence issues.

He does piano, dance, rugby and hockey.

Hockey is his newest sport, he started skating three years ago and picked up really well, he did a summer school thing the first year and they were the ones who suggested hockey. He was really keen as he loves skating and enjoys hockey as a viewer. Anyway, most of the kids where he trained had been doing hockey training for two years already, so he was of course behind. He decided he hates hockey, didn’t want to do it anymore etc. I’d already paid for a season and hockey is not cheap, so we did our usual of “well you have to attend the rest of the sessions we’ve paid for”. Three years later he’s still playing hockey and costing us a fortune. Every hobby he has had has at some point been a battle. If we had let him quit everything the first time it became difficult, or during a boring segment he would have quit everything he has ever started.

If I have paid, they go. If it is after a break, they go. They need to do a full term before stopping. It needs to be replaced with something else. It doesn’t need to be a club but they do need hobbies and interests that mean leaving the house and interacting with people. DC are 14 (autistic) and 12.

Sitting at home on a device is not an option.

No way would I force her. You are literally paying for arguments and making your child miserable. Piano is generally a solo instrument though, would an orchestral instrument be more to her liking? If it’s the practice that puts her off though, I’d give it up, she still does dance.

To some degree yes. If they absolutely hated it, then no. I have a teen who has great intentions signing up to things, then complains throughout the year when he doesn't feel like it. I make him go, but have a conversation with him before signing him up for a further term about whether he actually wants to do it.

DD1 is almost 7 and does swimming and gymnastics outside of school. She has been told that she has to to complete a full term of the lessons, and at the end of each term she is asked if she wants to continue, knowing she will have to do it for the full term.
some days she doesn’t want to go, and will have a tantrum but that’s tough. If you’ve committed to something, you commit.

The thing about music is that they want to be able to play but they don’t want to learn to play. Two of mine managed to push through, one didn’t. Might she prefer another instrument?

our rule was that you can finish something but you need to finish it well, ie telling us in advance and going to the remaining lessons. No just sloping off. No leaving tutors etc with a sudden vacancy to fill. If I’ve paid for a half term or whatever, we’re finishing the half term. So in your instance I would say to her that she has to go until half term and then you’ll review. I know you pay week by week but I think that’s a fair compromise for everyone involved.

I do also periodically ask them (well, DS3, the other two are in their 20s) if he’s still enjoying everything and if there’s anything he wants to review.

It's a tricky balance. On the one hand no one has to do extra curricular, and these things are supposed to be fun. However to get the most enjoyment out of something you do need to put in the hard yards, whether that's training in the cold and wet on a Tuesday evening so you can be on the team for Saturday matches, or practising between music lessons so you can master some enjoyable pieces.

One of mine has reached the standard where she plays in the National Children's Orchestra, and will still occasionally have a hissy fit about doing the absolute bare minimum of practice, needing a bit of nagging.

Piano's a funny one though - it's not very sociable. I sometimes think that seeing their mates at orchestra, going to the tuck shop and going on tour are the only things that keep mine going to music lessons. Might she prefer something more sociable?

With music, part of the joy of it is being able to play with other people. If he has learnt how to read treble and bass clef, that is already really helpful for other instruments. Tell her she has to learn an instrument, and play her pieces of music of all kinds, so an orchestra, a jazz band, brass band, guitars etc. Then if there is one she likes give that a go. Often cities with music schools have free drop in ‘have a go’ sessions to try lots of different ones.

I was forced to do music as a child. I was not naturally talented.

On one hand.. understanding music has brought me joy as an adult.
On the other hand... it was a constant reminder of how I was not as good as my brother.

There is a careful balance between encouragement and forcing. If its really making her miserable... stop. If its just she wants to watch TV but enjoys it when shes there... encourage her.

Plus make sure she has music she enjoys, not just constant repetition of exam pieces.

No i don't force them. Ds wanted to learn keyboard but got fed up of it, would rather do it in his own time which is fine with apps these days. He now does boxing on a Sunday and loves it never lost interest even when he had a baby tooth knocked out accidentally! He also does swimming which hes never lost interest in.
They will thrive only if it keeps their interest.

What is it about the piano lessons that she doesn't like? I didn't like playing the music in the set books (i.e. songs I had never heard of, and would be pleased to never hear ever again). I think it would encourage more people if they could play songs that they liked (albeit, basic versions to start with). Is it the teacher, is she tired after school, etc.? Has she found that the piano isn't for her, but that there might be another instrument that she'll click with?

Personally, I wouldn't force a child to do extracurricular classes, but that's probably because I was made to do at least one, if not two, every day after school and on weekends. They weren't my choice. I wanted music lessons, but was made to do sports. I dropped them all when I got to 16.

Let her drop it. She’s hardly going to suddenly be enthused and start practicing! She’s tried it and didn’t enjoy it. Don’t waste your money.