Do you force your kids to do extra-curriculars

Music is a funny one because it requires so much work in the early stages with not a lot of fun. All of mine sang in a choir (the most accessible way into the joy of music and performance I think, primary school choirs can sound amazing, primary school orchestras not so much), two played violin (one for only a year and that was enough for her to know she didn't enjoy it) but only one is still doing music in 6th form, she did GCSE music, has played violin (doesn't any more, she loved orchestra, hated practicing and doing grades), piano (this is strictly just for fun although she plays at a decent standard, she gets on really well with her teacher and thanks to learning to read music while playing violin made quick progress initially), and has singing lessons. Singing is her real passion, and she loves performing. Playing instruments has helped with the reading music and music theory which supports her singing. And she likes being able to play and sing together.

I guess this is a long way of saying playing an instrument isn't for everyone, not every instrument is for everyone and even a musical child can take time to find their instrument.

I think you get more adults who think their parents should have pushed them harder, than adults who think ‘I’m so glad my parents let me quit X’

My sister still nurses a grudge that my parents - who let us do whatever we wanted, never nagged us about homework etc - let her quit a sport she really excelled at and also let her get away with doing no work at all so her academic results absolutely did not reflect her potential.

The whole point is that children do not always know what is best for them, and we have to cajole/motivate/nag them into courses of action we think benefit them. Our parents were wonderful people but they did do us DC a disservice that we find it incredibly difficult to ‘push through’ when we find anything hard because we were always allowed to quit immediately, and our educations and hobbies were seen as solely individual responsibilities.

Now I have kids I see how I have to build this capacity in them, and how one ‘sees’ long term benefits much more easily than the other so I have to approach them differently.

How this relates to piano and your DD is a different question, as I also don’t think DC should have to stick at everything they ever pick up! I suppose you will have your own weighting of what you value as family, your DD’s skill set and whether she’s doing anything else that demonstrates the value of sticking with something.

In our house we have hobbies we insist on (an instrument, a sport and the language of the country we live in), then outside that DC can pick up and drop as they like.

I loved playing music as a kid. Like everyone did back in ye olden days, we learnt how to read music at school and one year I asked for a keyboard for my birthday. I taught myself how to play it and really enjoyed it. My parents decided I should have piano lessons so was taken to a piano teacher every Tuesday afternoon and I absolutely hated every minute. I wasn't interested in the "formal" aspects of any of it, I just wanted to play music for fun. My parents insisted I go but for the last 3 lessons I just sat there and did nothing.

The point of that ramble is once what used to be fun turns into a chore then it's game over, the joy is lost. Insisting that your child carries on when she isn't enjoying it anymore risks her losing her love of playing. Let her sit it out for a while then wait until she asks to go back.

Absolutely. In fact, I'd say being able to swim probably puts you in more danger as you're likely to be more confident around water, whereas a non-swimmer would just stay away altogether, or only paddle up to their knees etc.

My kids sometimes whine about it and say they don’t like it and I pull the “well I’ve paid for 6 lessons so if you don’t like it in 6 weeks you can stop but you’re not wasting my bloody money”.

They almost always are happy and excited to go the next week, sometimes it’s just a case of them not being in the mood that day.

Why did she start playing piano in the first place; was it because she wanted to? My 13-year-old DS has been playing piano for seven years and there have been points where it was a downright slog for him and he didn’t enjoy it as much. He did an exam at the end of last term and it was a lot of work so he’s relaxing now and learning some Minecraft music and songs from the Amazing Digital Circus instead of his usual piano repertoire. It doesn’t have to be work work work.

Years ago DS started going to Beavers. After going a couple of times he said he wanted to give up. I said he should keep going a few more times before deciding to give up. Not only did he stick with Beavers, he then went to Cubs, Scouts and Explorer Scouts. I genuinely think it enriched his life. So I do think it is worth pushing children to stick with activities a bit rather than taking them at their word the moment they express a desire to give up.

And yet most people who drown can swim. They don’t drown because they aren’t competent swimmers, and they’re very seldom swimming when they drown, they drown because they fell into water unexpectedly, of cold water shock, caught in currents, and/or because because they’re fully clad in ways that make it harder to use their swimming knowledge, because there are drugs or alcohol impeding their judgement and ability to swim or keep afloat.

I think believing that being able to swim is likely to keep you from drowning is a delusion.

I haven't read all of the posts but try to encourage her to persevere you can - maybe revisit at Christmas? I gave up very soon into learning as a child (long story but my mum let me stop immediately). 30 years later I am finally back in piano lessons but I so wish I'd been encouraged to continue when I was younger!

I didn't notice swimming was a thing on MN. For me swimming is a life skill. They have been lots of tragic deaths this summer in England.

Its better to learn to swim as a child rather than an adult. It does not take "8 years".

Not everyone places value on the same things.

I learnt piano for years as a kid - I can't remember any of it now and I can't say it improved my life in any way either.

I’d ask her to try it until October half term then she if she still doesn’t want to do it she can quit and try something else.
I have never forced my DC to do anything (apart from swimming lessons) as long as they have given it a good try.

I think it’s shit parenting to have a parenting mentality like yours. The child is 8 and far too young to decide that she doesn’t want to do something.

op, give her a few more sessions to settle in again. If she doesn’t want to play piano then she should try another instrument. Playing an instrument is something wonderful you can give your child if you can afford it.

my kids attend a school where playing an instrument is compulsory. It’s a top London school so they clearly know the benefits. The school concerts are amazing, every child whether good or not is clapped for, encouraged and made to feel very proud of themselves.

You’ve completely missed the point about the value of learning an instrument.

If she's been doing piano for just under a year then she has an idea of what's involved and can go back to it in future if she wishes. If a child doesn't have a natural flair for it, and really dislikes the activity, then why force it when there are so many other activities out there?

I agree with those saying that sports/team exercise is important and clubs like brownies, etc. Since piano is a solitary activity she might prefer one where she can interact with others and depending on her character, she might prefer a more energetic class.

I think you should let her know that if she wants to drop piano then she can, but give her a list of alternative activities available in your area and ask her which one she wants to take part in. She might not like the piano but instead you might find she's a skilled soccer player or great at some creative/craft related activity.

The type of activity (other than learning to swim to a decent level of competence) was optional. Doing activities wasn’t. Having worked in youth mental health and youth justice, the devil makes work for idle hands is a saying that pretty much rings true in my experience. There is a tonne of research showing the benefits of having interests (whether sport, music, or creative) through later childhood and adolescence…. And I can count on about one hand the amount of teens I worked with in custody who were actively engaged in sports or other clubs/interests. I didn’t mind if my kids did soccer, badminton, lawn bowls, poetry club, the drums, or drawing classes, but doing nothing wasn’t an option!

There’s no point in clogging up time with something she doesn’t want to do when she could be pursuing something where she shines.

My DD gave up choir (in fairness, she hasn’t a note in her head and we were glad to leave that one behind) and brownies, and joined gymnastics where she went on to compete successfully at regional and national level until she left school for uni. She now competes for the uni in a related sport and gets to travel all over the UK competing in inter-varsities. She also became a qualified coach and earns a small income from it.

If the horse is dead don’t keep flogging it. She can always go back to piano in the future if she wants.

I don't see the point of forcing a child to do anything. Mine tried several, had dropped them all bar ballet by 8. I do not understand this "swimming is non negotiable" stance on MN. Teach child to swim and float, teach water safety. No need for 8 years of boring lessons.

My son goes to a martial arts class. He wasn't keen and was asking to give it up. Then he got picked on by a kid at school and he was able to use his martial arts to get the kid off him when they grabbed him. He then actually thanked me for pushing him to stick with it. He still doesn't love the class always but he is starting to see the value in it. This week he was admiring the six pack it is giving him. I'm not sure what the answer is really but I think it's worth trying to motivate them to continue if you feel it is worth it enough.

I think it’s a sign of class anxiety in the parents a lot of the time.

I do insist on both my kids doing some kind of sport / exercise out of school because it is so important for health and I want them to build the habit

Music on the other hand... I went to the sort of school where all the mums would compare who had got to grade whatever. Like all of my peers I was forced into lessons. As adults not one of us still plays an instrument. I think it was a total waste of time and money, TBH.

I think kids should be given the opportunity to try out an instrument but if they don't enjoy it, I don't see the point. Real middle class affectation in my view

I think it’s really shit parenting to force a child to do an activity that they have expressed they don’t want to do. No, they won’t thank you for it when they’re older, despite those who think they will 🙄

I force my child to do other extra curriculars because if she didn’t her life would be entirely horse riding and I don’t think that’s healthy. However, she can choose what those extra curricular are, as long as one involves some kind of team activity.

I wouldn’t force a specific extra curricular such as music though. Let her find what she actually loves.

She might not- l was forced to do music and gave up the minute l could - l don't thank my parents if anything, l resent them for making me miserable at the time.

Tricky op cos if l let me daughter do nothing, she would do nothing. So I give her the choice of a sports club so she has chosen swimming. Of she decided to give that up, l'd expect her to choose so.ething else so still her choice.

@Aplaceinthesunallweekend could she perhaps learn a different instrument instead? My DD is 10 and asked go stop piano for now but instead is learning flute.

Its good to try lots of different things when they're young to find what they like!