To request DD be assessed for autism?

I suppose it depends to what level this is affecting her life. The example you give about the teachers seems very usual to me. I had teachers I was more relaxed with and could have a laugh with and others that I knew I had to mind my p’s and q’s with and so spoke to completely differently. I assume most of us were the same as I noticed the same pattern with other kids.

My son struggled with school but was very good at masking. He finally got diagnosed with autism aged 19. He was scared/worried about getting it done sooner.

I think that everyone code switches between different social situations. That doesn't necessarily make it autistic masking. But perhaps the difference is how effortful it is. My autistic DD has described to me various linguistic and social rules that she has observed and follows, demonstrating the effort she's putting in to decoding situations and then adjusting to fit in. As an NT person, I don't have to think about this stuff in the same way, it just happens for me.

If you do want to pursue a diagnosis, you're best off finding someone who specialises in diagnosing girls and is able to identify masking.

I would absolutely go for an assessment. She may find that things finally make sense for her; a lot of people feel validated and relieved after diagnosis.
I understand exactly what you mean about appearing neurotypical but if she is autistic, that will be taking a lot of work mentally (whether she realises it or not) and eventually that could take a toll on her mental health. The fact that it’s not impacting her negatively enough is not a reason not to go for an assessment, her needs will change as she gets older and remember she can’t be diagnosed with something that she isn’t so what harm would it do if she was assessed but isn’t autistic?

I think it's odd that you're so sure she seems neurotypical, do you think autistic can't cook or look after pets or make eye contact?
If your daughter thinks she could be and she wants to know, I'd encourage her to explore being assessed - bearing in mind the benefit of an assessment is largely peace of mind and the confidence to research what will help her, there's not usually any post diagnosis support.
For yourself, I think you could do with learning more about autism.

If she is asking for an assessment, then get it done. I would ask for both ASD and ADHD as you have listed some traits of both.

The fact you think she is normal, is a sign you might also be ND and have gone your whole life undiagnosed.

What would be the disadvantages of having an assessment? If there aren't any, and I can't think if any, she should go for it.

The only reason for assessment and diagnosis is if its impacting a person's life and a diagnosis would help them to manage that.

In this case, your DD feels out of place and uncomfortable. That could well just be normal 17 year old issues. It could be more. Going through a process to understand this might give her the confidene and the tools to manage her issues going forward or to figure out what accomodations/changes she needs to make.

Much of what you're described doesnt feel odd. The speaking thing and noises does sound like some sensory processing challenges that are beyond what might be consideered "normal". SPD can often coexist with autism but it can also be standalone so that might also be worth exploring - ie rather than self diagnosing and then seeking affirmation of that, explore the variety of thigns that could be happening and go from there.

At 17 I would let her choose and support her. Lots of adult women say they always felt like they never fit in and their diagnosis really helped them

If she feels like she wants to be assessed then please start the process for her.

A professional will be able to see through someone high-masking in a second.

Well at 17 it’s her choice really. My daughter self diagnosed around 10 but we are still on the wait list after a primary assessment 3 years later. You’ll be on the adult list which is something like 6 years unless you find a way to have a private diagnosis accepted.

Autism isn’t one thing so the list of accomplishments doesn’t really matter. It’s lots of things and at her age she’ll know more than you. Autistic girls are notorious great maskers so you likely wouldn’t know everything she is holding inside.

She could be autistic. The main thing is that your dd feels that she’s ‘different’ so it’s worth exploring. Given her age a lot will be based on how she presents and what she reports. They’ll also have a meeting with you and will request info from school. It would be worth getting info from more than one teacher if you think she presents differently as that can be significant.

I don't mean to be rude, but it's really evident from your posts that you don't have much knowledge of autism and how it affects people. It isn't a linear spectrum with 'very autistic' at one end and 'a bit autistic' at the other end. Yes there are people who have what is more commonly referred to as profound autism who are visibly affected and need day to day care. But for many people with autism there are areas they do better with and areas that they are more affected. The fact that your daughter has things she manages well does not mean that she isn't affected in other aspects, or having to compensate and strategize a lot to manage situations that others might do without thinking.

There could of course be other explanations for the things she struggles with, but if she wants to think about it, there's enough in your post that suggests it's worth exploring.

I'd also add that everyone I know who sought an assessment as an adult (I'm in a bit of an online community, not intentionally but it's tech focused and many of us are) were convinced that they weren't going to be considered autistic and were worried we were over reacting or being dramatic!

Unfortunately given the NHS waiting lists she will turn 18 and in the ‘adult’ system well before she can get near the top of any list for assessment.
any chance you can go private?

A current teacher wouldn’t need to know. She would be going for an adult assessment which doesn’t involve the school. I paid for my DD to be assessed privately after she was on the child assessment wait list from age 12 and when she was 16 they removed her because she’d be 18 before she got to the top. So two months after her 18th birthday, she had her private assessment as an adult and it was a huge help for university accommodations (and the report includes accommodations for future employers).

All they needed was a bunch of questionnaires for her to fill out, a questionnaire for a relative who knew her as a child (could be you), and then a long interview with the assessor one on one, then we did a couple hours with me in there too answering questions with her as well.

The professors at university will know whatever the she and the disability office at the University agree they should know. Her accommodations are mostly about group projects, public speaking, blunt communication style, being too literal so needs clear instructions, etc.

Also being able to mask and managing well doesn’t make her less likely to be diagnosed. That’s not how it works.

She sounds totally normal to me. Just because people can have some issues around socialising or whatever, doesn't mean they need to jump to a diagnosis. Somethings will just be a part of growing up or just their regular personality traits.

I don't know why people think that masking is a sign of autism/ADHD. Everyone around me, when they are comfortable to open up with admit that they mask in certain situations. I've spent all my life masking. It's mainly about appearing more confident than what we truly feel inside.

Your girl sounds like a typical 17yo. Something's she's good at, others she is still finding her way with. Why wanting a diagnosis?

You need to speak to GP. If she is high functioning she will probably be allowed extra processing time in exams and extensions for written work but nothing else. It may give her a greater understanding of herself. She's almost 18 so i would kindly suggest this is all up to her and for her to disclose should she choose it. The whole process is about 18-24 months

DD got her diagnosis at 17, we started the process at 14/15.

She’s “high functioning” but that’s a really unhelpful expression. She ended to with EBSA in Y10 & 11, and it’s really taken us until now (aged 20) to get back on track educationally.

The diagnosis was really helpful for her, she has a lot of anxiety that stems from the ASD, and Sertraline was a bit of a lifesaver.

It helped her understand why she is as she is, and also helped with college, so Learning Support are there to help with things as well.