AIBU to consider having a fourth child?

Can you afford 4 kids at uni at the same time ? ( the bill will be big - even with them taking loans) How would you feel if number 4 had additional needs which meant your other 3 got less attention and the family had to revolve around the 4th child. What happens if your health was adversely impacted by having number 4 and you were unable to effectively parent any of the children. Do you think you and DH can split your time 4 ways to give each child sufficient attention. Will your family finances really work with 4 children ? What additional stress will it apply on existing finances and also the parents being driven to keep earning - how will an unscheduled redundancy impact your finances ? If you have a healthy dynamic with your existing family and all are fit and healthy I personally wouldn’t take the risk with introducing number 4.

No. Come on, isn’t three enough - for you, for them, for the planet? Four youngsters may sound doable, but four teenagers? University, etc? Special needs? You have twins? Don’t do it.

Mine are 19yo, 16yo, 11yo and 9yo.

Laundry is a big part of life. My eldest drives and helps out at times if I need him to run shopping errands or do take younger siblings to an extracurricular activity whilst I stay in with the youngest in the evenings (DH does shift work).

Obviously it’s completely up to you but growing up as one of four I wouldn’t, it’s too many. And my mum always said it was one too many!! I don’t speak to one of my sisters anymore and barely speak to the other two, however I get on with my youngest brother the best. Was never able to spend enough time with my parents one on one, felt I didn’t really know them, always had to share, felt really lonely during my teen years as I just wanted my mum who had three other teens/pre teens to deal with. If you feel you could really give each one on one time then go for it but I wouldn’t have four.

My eldest and youngest are both autistic. There are additional needs going on but DH is also undiagnosed likely autistic too. 11yo is also dyspraxic and going through dyslexia assessments.

Yes, you could have one with special needs but it's up to you to take that risk.

Life can be difficult at times with 4DC but you get back what you put in. Helping our 19yo to drive and getting passed his driving test has helped us out loads in recent months.

And no, you don't need to pay for driving lessons for all four DC. They can get jobs and do that themselves. I was one of 2 children and I paid for all my own driving lessons and tests.

What about sleep? 😮

We carve out one to one time with each of the 4 DC on a regular basis. To hear how they are feeling, talk about any troubles they have etc. I stay at home, have done for 18 years so I am always always here for them all.

If you can afford it and you enjoy it: yes.

BUT if you currently have 3 children with no disabilities, extra needs, food allergies, regular hospital appts… do consider what a different life it would mean for all five of you if the sixth member of your family did require a lot more of your time and care than the average child.

You say you really love parenting which is amazing but (as someone with 2 children with a combo of medical and SEND needs) it makes me think that so far you’ve been lucky enough to have a very smooth ride of it - all the fun bits and none of the extreme anxiety/stress that many families live with.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go ahead. You just have to be sure you’re be ready for a different type of life if it came for you.

My DC (even if I had stuck at just one) will be sorting out their own deposits. They won't get anything from DH or myself.

I doubt many adults get given a deposit for their very first home.

This really does not sound like an incentive to have 4 kids.

No one knows what the future holds. You just have to see as life goes on. Same could be said just having one child who could have additional needs...

Actually - depressingly - around 60 per cent of first time buyers now have a gifted deposit, either partial or whole. Of course, many people who would once have bought in their twenties or thirties either buy much later in life or never manage to buy at all.

Mine are spaced out. I wouldn't choose to have 4DC close in age. I had two in my 20s and two in my 30s for this very reason. I can't cope with odd numbers!🤣

True..But the risk of SN goes up with increased parental age and more kids, does it not? I could cope with one autistic child easier than with 4!
Actually we can make bets on increased likelihoods.

I have three and regret not having a fourth. Three is an odd number and I really do think four would have been an easier for a host of reasons (obviously not cheaper though).

You like littlies. Ridiculous to have 4 when chances are you'll dislike them from 12-18

I will be sticking to the 40% that doesn't gift a deposit. They'll appreciate their home more if they work hard for it themselves or with a partner they can club together etc. Lots of other ways to make it work.

You can afford 4 now? Can you afford private schooling for all. Can you afford for all to do whatever hobbies they want and get them there? Will you have enough time for each individually? Can you affford to support all four through university? Can you give all four equal deposits for their first home? Driving lessons, cars and so on?

can you deal with SEN? Because you never know what life holds as yours are very young.

I guess to an extent it all depends on what you feel you want to be able to provide for your children.

if you have thought about all of the above and still want four - go for it!!!

I would have had four if it wasn’t for my poor womb not being suitable to carry another pregnancy. However, often feel we can’t give enough of ourselves for all three. Husband fully parents as well.

You may be able to afford it now, but they get majorly expensive as they get older. Do you want to help them with driving lessons, a first car, support them through university, help with a house deposit? Never mind all the expensive school trips that come along, like skiing. Because obviously whatever you decide you want to be able to do for them, needs to be multiplied by 4. And you also have to think about saving/investing for your own future and retirement.

These days you need to be on a very good household income to be able to raise 4 children.

Absolutely not. Im one of three and I barely ever got one-to-one time with my parents, it was really sad. Will be even worse with 4. No one needs more than 2 kids from the perspective of a dying planet

I believe I may also have autistic traits like DH but to be fair, I didn't know this at the time of considering starting a family years ago. Neither did DH. More knowledge has come to pass years later about the condition in society. I honestly think the children we do have (that is not all four DC) who have autism may have inherited this. So eldest (my first). Was I just to not have any at all? Many like myself could be pondering this...but I don't regret my family. They are a great bunch and bring a lot of joy. They all are helpful to DH and I too. They do chores when asked (age appropriate).

It’s not - it’s a valid point. Do you think you can give 6 children enough emotional support? What is 1 has disabilities that would impact the lives of your existing children?

Yabu. Environmentally a disaster. Resources are dwindling, planet's fucked. Don't bring more people into the world. You have more than enough already.

I have not said you shouldn't have had your kids.
I am only saying the risk of SN increases with age and the number of kids you have, so the OP should consider if she can handle that.
This is not a controversial statement by any means.