AIBU to consider having a fourth child?

I have four under eight. No twins! I will probably have another two.

I have a generous passive income so I don’t have to work. I have lots of family support. DH is around a lot.

If you can afford it and have the structure in place to keep everyone happy then go for it!

I have three and would have had another child but now ex husband wasn't keen and had a vasectomy. Looking back ( mine are grown up) I'm not sure we could have afforded 4 teenagers but presumably we would have made it work somehow. If it's a joint decision and thought through go for it.

Why, though? It seems like a weird hobby, and it will certainly detract from the lives of your extant children.

The thing you cannot make more of is your own time. So every extra child does mean less individual parental time and attention for the existing children.

At 5, 3 and 1 you have no idea what your existing children may need in future, they may all be straightforward or they may turn out to have medical needs, SEN, mental health issues, friendship issues, academic struggles etc etc. The more children you have, the more chance there is of one of them needing something beyond the standard.

It’s easy to let yourself picture a large family of happy straightforward, “standard issue” children, but that isn’t guaranteed and it’s quite different managing 4 children where one of more of them needs a lot of extra input and time.

There is also of course the chance that your own circumstances change as parents - you may develop health problems, finances may change unexpectedly, grandparent support disappear or change into needing to support them, relationship may need more work at times etc.

In your shoes OP I would quit while you’re ahead and focus on your three lovely children who will benefit from having all your attention.

I would say if you are healthy and stable in life just go for it! I have 4 children and no regrets

How rude you are! I wonder why that is?

It wouldn't be for me, 2 is more than enough but many of the arguments against 4 can be said about one or two children.

Mine are 9 and 11, there is no way we can afford to give them a house deposit each, pay full finance for Uni but we would never have been able to with just one anyway. We have a decent income that allows us a comfortable life, kids can have hobbies if they choose, things like braces aren't a worry but not a chance they are getting a house out of us. A car and a bit of help with Uni yes.

You just make things work, if my first had been twins then we would have to have made it work, maybe we wouldn't have had a second.

Nobody knows what the future holds so for me if you are financially stable, can afford a decent life and have enough space and time then have as many kids as you feel you can manage.

It's a perfectly fair question to someone who already has four children under eight, is planning to have two more, and appears to think that having a sufficient income and lots of support means that there's no issue with the impact on the lives of her existing children.

I always feel sorry for kids from larger families, for none of the reasons you’ve listed but because parental attention is so stretched.
I grew up as one of three and even with that it was difficult to get one-to-one quality time with either parent. I had a really great relationship with both siblings but I always craved some time I could just be with my mum or dad without a sibling always there, it very rarely happened.

Madness. Also there are no jobs for all these children 🙈🙈

Not many people can afford to do that

Same

I would ask yourself if your life is future-proofed to the extent that it can be, and could you withstand any of the potential challenges of a 4th? Life-limiting illness, job loss/insecurity, parental care. You are getting to the age when those three issues start to show up, sometimes all at once. Is your marriage strong, is probably the most important question/factor?

Just had my 4th 4 months ago. She has completed our family and I feel ecstatic, I'm on cloud 9 and I finally feel like I'm done.
When she was born the others were just 10, 6 and nearly 4.
The 10 year old is besotted with her. Totally besotted. I thought the large gap would mean they weren't close but it's totally the opposite.
My DH is one of 4 and he loves it, they are all close and I wanted the same for our family.
Also, I used to worry that number 3 gets left out but now 2 and 3 pair off whilst 1 is occupied with 4, and when 1 and 2 are playing, number 3 has the baby which makes him feel important. I hope in the future 3 and 4 will have a close bond. Also there is always someone wanting to read to her, play with her etc.
Laundry wise you don't notice it when you're already doing laundry for 5, What's the difference doing it for 6? Yes it will get expensive and part of the reason we went for larger gaps was so that by the time she is doing clubs my eldest will be driving and more independent etc.
Good luck deciding!

I also wanted to add, lots of comments about parental attention. It totally depends on the help you have and also the children's personalities.
My kids would far rather play together than play with me! If I ask one if they want to go somewhere with me, like a trip out or something, they ask if their siblings are coming!!
Not all kids want lots of one to one time.
I make sure I get one to one at bedtime or if I'm taking one of them to an activity we chat in the car and I take an interest in them. Each of them gets a story at bedtime and time to chat and the eldest is awake the latest so I chat to him once the others are asleep.
I'm not going to pretend that I don't sometimes feel stretched! But we are lucky that we are both very hands on and also have parents that are happy to help out.

It really isn’t. It sounds like you might have some unresolved trauma or difficulty which you are projecting.

I am one of five children and myself and my siblings had a fantastic childhood with plenty of attention and support. My existing four children are doing really well and are described as “happy and well balanced”. So please keep any concerns to your own life as I really don’t need them.

Yes, but you have a vested interest in defending having five children. I don't think it's in the least unreasonable to point out that your attention and mental resources are spread more thinly the more children you have, to the detriment of the existing children. The fact that you think your four children are doing well may suggest only that your own upbringing blinded you to this.

Four would be too many for me, OP. Three is usually pushing it.

Your comfortable circumstances might change and you’d be in a pickle (this happened to a friend with four).

I could easily have become addicted to the pregnancy/newborn/toddler years and had a couple more, but parenting is demanding, children require time and attention, and this just isn’t possible with four.

Mine are 5, 3 + 1 and I’m due with DC 4 in Feb 😊
I’m 1 of 5 and love it!

I don’t just think it. Your comprehension skills are lacking. I said I had been told those things (and many other positive things) about my DC. By professionals with experience and expertise.

Telling someone with four children that that’s their hobby is coming from a place of pain and suffering. I won’t bother engaging with you further as you are obviously not capable of understanding anything outside your own narrow experience.

OP has explained she has the time and resources to have a fourth child. You disbelieve her. Best leave it there eh?

I have no idea about your finances, but do you have a big enough home that they'll have space as they grow or will they be sharing bedrooms unless you move? You'll need a bigger car. Holidays will be expensive for all of you. Your food shopping will be expensive. If they play sport or have other hobbies you'll potentially have to pay for four lots of memberships/lessons, etc then there's the logistics of ferrying them around. Four bikes, four lots everything.

That's very rude to suggest PP is blind and actually her 4 children aren't doing well!

Im always fascinated by comments like yours, people who think that adding siblings automatically detracts from their lives. I suppose some families just don't get along and that must be where that view comes from, that each child is a burden to the others rather than a happy addition.
Incidentally, my parents in law were both one of 8, and one of them had a fantastic upbringing, very wild and rural. There were 8 born in 11 years. The family network is just incredible, there are cousins all over the world. The other family were not so happy but that's because the parents were very strict, the siblings actually got on well and supported each other well into old age and if you suggested they would have been happier if the others didn't exist they would laugh at you!
I'm not suggesting everyone these days can handle or afford 8 children, but to suggest that it is a net negative on the children in a family that can afford to provide for them, is a very narrow minded view point IMO.

I have 3 and would have liked 4. DH said no.

Now mine are teens I am so so so glad we don't have more. I just could not have understood how expensive they are when they were younger. And how much headspace they all take up. I have 3 in 3 different schools and the admin is an additional job. The money just to sort school uniforms, lunches, music lessons, hobbies, parties, clothes, school trips.....and that is before driving lessons (£90 minimum), uni open days (travel and accommodation) and then uni costs.

Big kids, big problems. They need you so much for things like jobs and exams and friendships and relationships...

DH works away. I work loads. We are very very stretched!

I was a very good mum to small children. Loved babies and toddlers and playgroups and little school, play dates and soft play and birthday parties.

Not so sure parenting three completely different and competing young adults is for me...

I have 4 age 14 - 22. Loved it. Very happy with the decision to have 4, and it was nothing to do with getting a certain sex because 1 and 2 were girl then boy.

The PP who made the comment about teenagers eating a lot was true though. Our shopping bill regularly comes in at £170 a week. Having said that, a good chest freezer and the ability to know when the yellow stickered meat is due to go on the shelves helps 🤣.