AIBU to consider having a fourth child?

How about the risk of #4 (or any of the others, down the line) having additional needs which affect the whole family? Working in SEND the stories and broken parents I’ve come across would make you hesitate.

Your own capacity and how much attention each child can get, does the quality of your parenting begin to suffer with more children? Yours are very young yet, and honestly I thought I was through once mine was sleeping through the night, but the teen years are a whole world of expense, challenge, and struggle (for me more than her)!

No skin in the game, I was one and done, but if you want suggestions you haven’t thought of, those are mine.

It could be twins. It could have medical issues. It could have a really demanding personality which takes attention away from your other kids. It could be a non-sleeper.

What would a 4th give you that you don’t already get from 3?

Well I have 5 so 4 doesn't seem excessive to me! But only you can decide what's right for your family. I can only say that I loved having my little gang, they are all boys and ate me out of house and home during the teenage years though!

It sounds like you love the early years which is great, but the transition from having babies and toddlers at home to 4 kids in at least 2 different schools, 4x school runs, 4x uniforms, 4x parents evenings, 4x hobbies, 4x world book day, 4x homework stress, bullying, friendship issues, tik tok trends. Then 4 x teenagers, exams, lifts here and there, mental health struggles. Hats off to anyone who can truly meet the needs of 4 children moving through the school system at the same time. I'm stressed just typing that 😂

Came on to say exactly this. Costs for secondary include travel, lunches, uniform, trips and text books - all more expensive or additional to primary. We have also done private assessment for additional needs, tutoring, sports costs, music lessons, driving lessons and university costs. Not even starting on shoes, clothes and food bills.

Also, I think we all prefer parenting different stages so maybe you love parenting little kids but will you love the tween/teen stage? Good luck, whatever you decide.

We called our fourth child our ‘luxury extra’. Expensive, unnecessary, arguably unjustifiable. But she made our lives that little bit nicer, like all the best luxuries.

But… we had a large house, a seven seater car, no worries about school fees (state all the way). We didn’t have a huge income, though.

We did manage great holidays (middle class pretentious ones), hobbies as required (obviously things like horse riding weren’t an option), and even university has been manageable.

Just to add, my mum would absolutely say she breezed through having 4 kids. As the youngest I would beg to differ.

This is so true. I'm just now discovering what people meant when they said older children are much more expensive! The braces are a nightmare and the food bills!

Also (and I mean this kindly) you don't really know yet the extent to which you love parenting as you're absolutely on the starting block!

But anyway yes of course it's ultimately up to you!

When I read views from children of large families I do sometimes worry that I shortchanged my children. But given that all four of them have said at various times that they were very lucky, and can’t imagine not having lots of siblings - and that we should have had a fifth (me - “definitely not”), I think it’s worked for them. But obviously that’s not the case for everyone.

I'm another who was one of 4 and loathed it.

I’d say don’t do it. It’s one thing to say you love parenting when you’ve basically got toddlers. Parenting 4 teenagers (and yours would likely all be teenagers together) is a completely different ball game

Housing crisis. I am going to have to help my two with house deposits as we are in London. Luckily I only had two.

Same and as the only girl even though I was the youngest I was also the only one expected to take on some of her role.

I think you do need to also consider the added risks of a geriatric pregnancy then.

I’m one of 4.

In our case the youngest child, my sister, has serious disabilities, remains entirely dependant on our parents in her 40s, and I have come under enormous pressure to take on her care as they age.

I know you enjoy looking after your three young children, but raising a child with serious disabilities or SEN is a totally different experience and of course would impact on your three existing children - not just for their childhoods but potentially for their whole lives.

We stopped at two because we felt that if we had a third with disabilities we wouldn’t be able to cope well and still give the older two everything they need.

Thats just my two pence worth - obviously if people didn’t have kids because of the fear of disability then nobody would have any kids. But once you already have young kids to take care of, for me the balance swung so that I didn’t want to take that risk.

It’s a good job we did stop at two as it turns out both of mine are autistic and we definitely couldn’t have coped with three kids and met their needs.

I have two DC and would have liked 3, wasn’t possible for fertility reasons.

my main concerns in your situation would be: DC4 having additional needs; my and DH’s resources to parent the DC;impact on my personal ability to do full time paid work; and impact on my health day to day.

(I didn’t want household to be financially reliant on DH nor to have a shit pension)

you’re still early in parenting. We have found aspects of parenting (usually lovely) teens extremely difficult (school & mental health). For several years at a stretch. Exponentially harder than any parenting challenges earlier on.

friends’ DC3 has autism and significant needs and the impact on the whole family has been huge.

Someone I work with has four children. She is freelance and has had to take on a lot of extra work now that two of them are at university and the other two are in six form and both want to go to uni as well. She is in her late 50's and is working a lot in the evenings and isn't particularly enjoying it. Her husband earns well and they have always managed fine financially but this is a very expensive patch for them and it has come just at a time when she would prefer to be winding down a little bit. I have found that as they get older children do get more expensive. As others have said things like driving lessons, tutoring/music lessons, own bedrooms, braces, university, study spaces, hobbies, clothing and food bills all add up. Nearly all of those things get more expensive as they get older.

What if '4' isn't the "magic number" ( whatever that means)? What if you still aren't satisfied and start to wonder about number 5!

I am also one of 4 and was and am very happy to have 3 siblings.

It probably depends on your personality and theirs, but I find the emotional load of three, now teens/young adults fairly full on. Their early years were comparatively easy. I also think there can be a strong hormonal drive to 'keep having babies' and sometimes you have to separate that out from the assessment of the reality over the rest of your lives of parenting.

We never went hugely overboard with enrichment tbh. They each got 1 after school club choice and 1 extracurricular. I also have always worked (4 days until the youngest, then 3 days) so they are used to entertaining themselves.

My youngest is my most responsible and capable btw, she definitely didn't ruin the others' lives, she whips them into shape, lol.

How old are you?

Ah 37. I would stop at 3, personally. Get your life back sooner.. but it's up to you.

You haven’t answered what it is you think that yet another child will add to the three very young children you already have? I’ll be honest, someone with three children of five and under, including a baby, who is desperate to have yet another child, sounds to me like someone trying to escape from something.