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Original poster

To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

660 replies

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 13:19

Sorry this is long and probably doesnt make much sense but i am so fed up and dont really know if im being unreasonable anymore.

I have 2 boys, 12 and 9, both have additional needs although they are very different. DS2 has always been harder in school but usually he manages and we have never had anything like this before. Since going back this September he has apparently been having what they call explosive behaviour and he has now been sent home several times. One day they rang me before lunch and said i needed to collect him because he wasnt able to calm down and they didnt have the staff to keep him safe.

I did collect him because what else can i do, but then its happening again and again. Yesterday they rang and said basically they cant meet his needs at the moment. I said well what does that actually mean because he is supposed to be in school and not sitting at home with me because you dont have enough staff.

They keep saying they are not excluding him and that its a “temporary arrangement” while they look at what support he needs. Sorry but if my child is being told to stay at home because school cant cope with him, what exactly do they think an exclusion is??

I have asked about his support plan and whether they have actually done everything that is in it and i get lots of meetings and people saying they are concerned but nobody seems to actually have an answer. I dont want to keep having arguments with the school because obviously DS has to go there and i dont want things getting worse for him, but i also cant just accept him being kept home every time he has a meltdown.

DH thinks im making this harder than it needs to be and says we should look at specialist provision. I know he might be right but i dont want DS2 being put somewhere just because his current school doesnt want the bother. His brother is at the same school and they are very close, and DS2 already feels different enough without being taken away and told he needs a special school.

And before anyone says we should just pay for extra help, we actually do. Between therapy, assessments, things for school, transport and other bits we are spending over £2,000 a month at the moment. Yes i know thats a lot. We arent sitting on a pile of money, it is coming out of our savings and some of the things are because we have been told to get them privately because waiting lists are ridiculous. Im not saying that means the school owes us anything, just that its frustrating to constantly be told to get more support when we are already trying everything we can.

I am not pretending DS is easy. He can be very difficult when he is overwhelmed and i know the other children need to be safe too. But surely the answer cant just be send him home until he behaves normally? He cant learn how to manage school if he isnt actually allowed to be at school.

DH says im refusing to accept that he needs specialist help and maybe i am. I just feel like once we go down that road thats it, he gets labelled and everyone gives up trying to make mainstream work.

So AIBU to be pushing back on this and saying they cant keep sending him home because they “cant cope”? Or am i the one refusing to accept reality here?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Phineyj · 11/09/2026 16:02

It's four years until he's a teenager. Approximately half as much life again as he's lived already.

Monvelo · 11/09/2026 16:05

It does sound to me like there's something to do with the new teachers 'way'. Different people have different ways, and also different skill levels in picking up on other people's ways, like emotional intelligence or empathy or something. Some of it is innate but i expect some of it you can improve by working on it. So as a practical suggestion, i wonder if the new teacher could have a chat with the old teacher to find out how she handled things.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 16:06

AhMh67 · 11/09/2026 15:52

my Granddaughter is on the spectrum and was a nightmare at school. She learned to kick off and get sent home. What I did was bring her home and she did nothing. No treats gadgets tv anything. Just sitting she lasted a week and is now back in school full time. She realised it wasn't an easy ride it was total boredom.

That only works if the child is choosing the behaviour. My own DD has much more control of her behaviour at 13 than at 9 (as you'd expect).

The OP's child was managing at school until now. It's quite likely an inexperienced or inflexible teacher or loss of an experienced TA triggering this sudden change.

EarthaKittsVoice · 11/09/2026 16:07

Octavia64 · 11/09/2026 13:26

Technically this is an illegal exclusion.

if you want support from for him accessing specialist then refuse to pick him up. The school will then either cope or he will be formally excluded which will give paperwork and evidence d the school is not meeting his needs.

Following on from this.

Just this week, Hackney Council I think, have been instructed by the courts to issue compensation to a child/family as they did not meet the educational legal requirements. That child was off school for months and the schoo/council were fobbing them off.

From what I read in the article it sounded very similar to what you are experiencing.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 16:08

I was unfortunately managing such a teacher a few years ago. OMG! Someone that has no empathy with young people can get in hot water very quickly.

Monvelo · 11/09/2026 16:08

Also I thought that specialist school place would need to be allocated by the local authority? So school do need to evidence that they can't meet need. Sending him home without doing an official suspension might not be doing anyone any favours.

Easytoconfuse · 11/09/2026 16:09

AshaK · 11/09/2026 13:38

YABU and your husband is right

Can I clarify? The EHCP is not being fully implemented and the schools response is to illegally exclude and the parent is being unreasonable?

This is an illegal exclusion, no matter how they dress it up. Basically, to have given up at this stage of the autumn term, he is being managed out. Schools will swear blind they don't do it, except they admitted it when Bridget Phillipson talked about every teacher being a teacher of SEN.

From personal experience, the OP need an urgent EHCP review and to have to make a hard decision. If the school don't want him, then it won't work. End of. At this stage of the year, a placement in a special school is as likely as a truthful politician. She will have to dig your heels in and say 'he has to be in education.' If the school can't do it, what are the LA going to provide?

It's hell for her and it's not going to get any better, so YABU should be rewritten to 'school and LA are being unreasonable.' They can't magic up places, but the LA can employ a tutor while they come up with a better solution.

Merryoldgoat · 11/09/2026 16:09

You sound to me like you are in denial about your son’s needs. He needs a specialist provision and your insistence he should be in mainstream will damage him.

Snowcanwait · 11/09/2026 16:09

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 15:02

ok thanks everyone, i think i probably havent explained it very well and maybe thats why people are thinking he is just being violent all day which he isnt.

There was an incident where he threw a chair, it didnt hit anybody but obviously it could have and i am not saying thats ok. Another time he pushed a table over and a TA was nearby. So yes i understand why they are concerned about safety. I would be concerned too. But this is exactly why i keep saying he needs support when he starts getting overwhelmed rather than waiting until he is completely gone and then ringing me to collect him.

He has a new teacher this year which is something i hadnt really thought about until people mentioned it. His old teacher knew him very well and could normally see when he was starting to get wound up and get him out of the situation before it got to that point. The new teacher seems to be much more strict and apparently has said he needs to learn that he cant behave like this. Which i dont disagree with really but i dont think telling him that when he is already completely overwhelmed is going to achieve much.

Someone asked what happens when he comes home. No he doesnt get sweeties and ipad all afternoon or anything like that. He normally goes upstairs or sits with me and has some quiet time because he is exhausted. I dont give him a punishment because i dont think he is coming home thinking yay ive got a day off school. He is usually upset and embarrassed about it.

I have spoken to him and he says the classroom is too noisy and he doesnt like the new teacher shouting. He also said another boy has been laughing at him when he gets things wrong but when i mentioned this to school they said they hadnt seen any bullying. So i dont know if thats actually happening or if DS is interpreting things differently.

And yes he has an EHCP. There isnt a full time 1:1 in it though, which i think people keep assuming. There is specified support but not someone attached to him every minute of every day.

I am going to ask for an early review because from what people have said it sounds like the EHCP needs looking at anyway. I honestly didnt realise therapies were supposed to be in it, some of what we pay for privately was recommended by people but isnt actually written into the plan.

The transport question is because some of his appointments are quite far away and we have also had to arrange transport on days when i cant get him myself. Its not school transport every day before anyone thinks we are spending £2k a month on taxis to school lol.

I also didnt know about the informal exclusion thing. The school have definitely used words like “not in a position to safely accommodate him” rather than exclusion. I have all the emails so i can check exactly what they have said.

I dont want to pretend the school are evil and i dont want the other children put at risk. I just dont think the answer is automatically special school either. Maybe it is the right answer in the end, i genuinely dont know. I just dont want to make that decision because everyone is fed up with him.

And for the person asking about what i want for him long term, honestly i want him to be happy and independent and able to have a job and friends. I dont have some massive ambition that he has to go to university or anything. I just dont want his whole future decided at 9 because he has had a bad few weeks.

I will speak to DH again as well because he is probably not completely wrong. I just wish people would understand that saying “special school” isnt as simple as moving him next Monday and everything is magically fixed.

A few thing spring to mind when discussing support with the school:

-most importantly arrange a sit down meeting with the new teacher where you explain that the reason he has explosive behaviour is down to his additional needs and you will absolutely not accept ‘he just needs to behave’ and ask the school if she requires training in how behaviour is impacted by sensory issues, anxiety and stress in ASN children.

-He is noise sensitive so needs ear defenders with him at all times.

-He needs some way of communicating when something is distressing him. The SENCO should be able to provide a keyring or access to visuals. Sometimes you can get visual which just say ‘I need a break’ or ‘I’m feeling frustrated’. This is the point where he goes to a safe space or quiet space.

-He needs to have regular movement breaks integrated into his day as this is a form of regulation especially when it comes to anxiety and it also provides a break from the overwhelming stimulation within the classroom.

-He needs an individual visual timetable or a now/next task set up.

It is absolutely unacceptable for the school to just give up unless they have put in place reasonable adjustments. And these reasonable adjustments do not require a full time adult but do require a bit of effort when it comes to scheduling and resources.

amber763 · 11/09/2026 16:10

This sounds very hard for your family but the other kids and staff shouldn't be at risk because of your sons explosive behaviour. If they don't have provision to keep them safe then I agree with your husband.

Marieb19 · 11/09/2026 16:11

I'm sorry but I'm with the school on this. If children can't behave appropriately, disrupt the education of their classmates and put other children at risk, then mainstream education is not for them. Schools and teachers can only do so much.

Highlandschmiland · 11/09/2026 16:12

If they are saying specialist, and your DH is saying specialist, why aren’t you looking at specialist? He clearly can’t cope and the school can’t make him feel safe enough to cope, so why even question him in mainstream? Move him to a provision that can in fact provide for him.

AprilMizzel · 11/09/2026 16:12

I would look into illegal exclusion as PP have said and getting that paper work trail.

I have a relatives in this situation nursury and previous years in school managed fine with the child - then they had a teacher who apparently couldn't mange him and several other kids behvavior - some moved some parents pushed back. That teacher knew some of child's triggers like touching them and yet still did them because forgot - often leading to child being sent home. Relative agreed to pt for 6 week turned into all year and with constant early pick up or saying child couldn't come in at all - all with no proper paper work but persuably in school notes.

12 months later they are in awful place other local school won't now take child very unlikely to get a special school palce and council caseworker is very new and seems to take the schools word.

Daisychains26 · 11/09/2026 16:13

DD was in a class with a boy who threw chairs and scissors when upset due to unmet special needs. I felt for the child and his parents but to be honest it was a relief when he was removed. She talked about it a lot.

Specialist provision (of which there definitely isn’t enough) is there for a reason. Please try and get a place for your son.

Original poster
Jacobator · 11/09/2026 16:14

dont punish him when he comes home because most of the time by then he is absolutely shattered and upset. I dont think taking away his ipad is going to teach him not to have a meltdown, especially when he isnt doing it because he thinks its funny or because he wants to be naughty.

That doesnt mean he is allowed to behave however he wants. We do talk about what happened once he is calm and he knows throwing things and pushing furniture isnt acceptable. He has apologised before as well. But im not going to make him sit and write an apology while hes still completely overwhelmed because i dont see what that achieves.

And no i dont think he is going to end up involved with the police because he has thrown a chair at school. Honestly some of the replies are a bit dramatic.

The £2k is not £2k just on therapy either. There are assessments, private sessions, equipment and things we have had to pay for because we couldnt get them quickly through school or NHS. I have looked at private schools and yes some are technically within reach but its not like we can just decide to pay £20k a year without thinking about it. We have other expenses and DS would still need the right support there.

I do agree with the posters saying the school and the question of where he should ultimately be are separate. Thats more what im trying to get my head around. Even if specialist provision turns out to be best, i dont think that means the school can just keep ringing me and saying collect him until a place appears.

As for the PRU, i honestly dont know. I hadnt really considered that and im not sure that would be suitable for him anyway. He isnt a child who just needs discipline, he gets overwhelmed and then has these massive reactions. I dont think putting him somewhere more punitive would help.

Someone asked what techniques work. Quiet room, headphones, low demands, giving him time, not asking lots of questions when hes already upset. He responds well if somebody speaks quietly and gives him a bit of space. If people keep telling him to stop and calm down he gets worse.

I am going to ask for the meeting and an early EHCP review and also ask them properly what they think has changed since last year. I dont think that is denial.

Maybe specialist school will be the answer. Maybe another mainstream school will be. I just dont think anybody on here can decide that from a few paragraphs about a bad two weeks.

And for the person saying im damaging him by keeping him mainstream, thats a bit unfair. Im trying to work out what is actually best for my child, not prove a point about mainstream school.

OP posts:
EarthaKittsVoice · 11/09/2026 16:14

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 15:02

ok thanks everyone, i think i probably havent explained it very well and maybe thats why people are thinking he is just being violent all day which he isnt.

There was an incident where he threw a chair, it didnt hit anybody but obviously it could have and i am not saying thats ok. Another time he pushed a table over and a TA was nearby. So yes i understand why they are concerned about safety. I would be concerned too. But this is exactly why i keep saying he needs support when he starts getting overwhelmed rather than waiting until he is completely gone and then ringing me to collect him.

He has a new teacher this year which is something i hadnt really thought about until people mentioned it. His old teacher knew him very well and could normally see when he was starting to get wound up and get him out of the situation before it got to that point. The new teacher seems to be much more strict and apparently has said he needs to learn that he cant behave like this. Which i dont disagree with really but i dont think telling him that when he is already completely overwhelmed is going to achieve much.

Someone asked what happens when he comes home. No he doesnt get sweeties and ipad all afternoon or anything like that. He normally goes upstairs or sits with me and has some quiet time because he is exhausted. I dont give him a punishment because i dont think he is coming home thinking yay ive got a day off school. He is usually upset and embarrassed about it.

I have spoken to him and he says the classroom is too noisy and he doesnt like the new teacher shouting. He also said another boy has been laughing at him when he gets things wrong but when i mentioned this to school they said they hadnt seen any bullying. So i dont know if thats actually happening or if DS is interpreting things differently.

And yes he has an EHCP. There isnt a full time 1:1 in it though, which i think people keep assuming. There is specified support but not someone attached to him every minute of every day.

I am going to ask for an early review because from what people have said it sounds like the EHCP needs looking at anyway. I honestly didnt realise therapies were supposed to be in it, some of what we pay for privately was recommended by people but isnt actually written into the plan.

The transport question is because some of his appointments are quite far away and we have also had to arrange transport on days when i cant get him myself. Its not school transport every day before anyone thinks we are spending £2k a month on taxis to school lol.

I also didnt know about the informal exclusion thing. The school have definitely used words like “not in a position to safely accommodate him” rather than exclusion. I have all the emails so i can check exactly what they have said.

I dont want to pretend the school are evil and i dont want the other children put at risk. I just dont think the answer is automatically special school either. Maybe it is the right answer in the end, i genuinely dont know. I just dont want to make that decision because everyone is fed up with him.

And for the person asking about what i want for him long term, honestly i want him to be happy and independent and able to have a job and friends. I dont have some massive ambition that he has to go to university or anything. I just dont want his whole future decided at 9 because he has had a bad few weeks.

I will speak to DH again as well because he is probably not completely wrong. I just wish people would understand that saying “special school” isnt as simple as moving him next Monday and everything is magically fixed.

You are going through what a lot of parents across England are going through. It is on the school to accomodate your child as it is their legal requirement. If they cannot they must then find an appropiate option.

A child can't be off from school because the school is unable to do their job. Please research for other cases similar to yours as there are many. Contact your council and MP as the school is failing your child at this point

Heronwatcher · 11/09/2026 16:15

Huge sympathy from me as I know it’s difficult.

Agree with working with the school to get his EHCP reviewed and more support put in. The school are going to have to assess what extra support he needs (surely a 1-1 minimum), and whether if that support is in place they think they can meet need. IMO if you start refusing to collect him if he’s having a meltdown they are much more likely just to say they can’t meet need- not to be vindictive but for the safety of staff/ pupils.

I would also start researching special schools now and seriously consider what you’re going to do for secondary. If he’s like this now I think there’s a pretty good chance he just won’t cope with secondary, especially with hormones etc. Are you having regular appointments with your local team in case he needs medication etc?

I do sort of see where your DH is coming from too- state schools just aren’t able to cater for everyone. Whereas in a good special school staff ratios are much higher, the setting is properly adaptable and they are much more able to reduce the timetable etc to avoid overwhelm. I think it’s really worth thinking about for the future if things don’t improve or get worse.

InvisibleDragon · 11/09/2026 16:16

Given that this is a sudden change, does seem like the teacher is not handling it great.

If the issue is generally before lunch time:

  • is he hungry and would a more substantial snack at break time help?
  • are particular lessons the issue - art or technology or drama where there is more chaotic moving around the room than in other lessons for example
  • what is the classroom layout like and where is he sitting? How does that compare to last year - is he sitting on a noisy table / near something that makes a repetitive and annoying noise / near the door getting disturbed every time someone goes for a loo break?
  • have you seen the classroom - you might be able to identify some small adaptation the teacher hasn't considered?
  • can the issue be managed by the teacher finding an errand for him to run / task to do out of the classroom during that period of the day? I don't mean removing him from the class but proactively anticipating that he might need a quick break and sending him to pick up the photocopied worksheets or pop into his old teacher's classroom to get a spare whiteboard pen etc

Given that he was coping reasonably well before, it does seem a bit drastic to move straight to out of school and looking for specialist provision.

Steeleydan · 11/09/2026 16:17

So what would happen if you were at work and cant just drop everything to pick him up,or worked in a city 2 hrs drive away?
On the other hand you cant expect teachers to spend an hr 1 to 1 calming your child down when there are 20 other kids needing teaching. Have you asked your son why he throws these wobblies and explain it unacceptable

namechange0998776554799000 · 11/09/2026 16:19

If you're not sure what schools (mainstream or special) there are locally that might suit him, it's worth seeing if there's a Facebook group for local parents of children with additional needs. We have one for my county and it's been invaluable - parents are often discussing school recommendations, which makes it easier to come up with a list of options. Unless you found out what is out there and talk to other parents/talk to the schools/visit them, you won't know what your next steps might be.

Honestly if they've already started sending him home, it's unlikely you'll come back from that. One big difference between mainstream and special schools is that mainstream will often choose to send home one child to avoid disruption to the majority, whereas a special school will do everything they can to keep a child in school (and they have the resources to allow that).

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 16:20

"Why do you have special needs?" "Stop! It's unacceptable."

Yep, that's going to work.

EarthaKittsVoice · 11/09/2026 16:21

Yeah, don't consider PRU as an option at this time, there's no need. Once a child goes there is difficult, to near impossible, to get them back into a better environment.

Kirbert2 · 11/09/2026 16:22

TimeDoesntStandStill · 11/09/2026 15:59

What consequences are you enforcing at home after his behaviour at school?

If hes so misbehaved that school are calling you to tale him home he should be punished to learn its not acceptable, not just mummy is going to come and take him to relax.

Id have a 24hour technology ban as a minimum and a wriiten letter of apology to the class teacher as a start.

Hes going to be a teenager soon. These are your last years of enforcing discipline, soon it will be too late and he may end up involved with police.

He does need to learn right from wrong to function in society, regardless of labels to give him a chance, think tough love. I dont think bringing him home to rest is any sort of punishment, you need to support the school and his classmates by disciplining him.

He doesn't have a 'label', he has a disability.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 16:22

InvisibleDragon · 11/09/2026 16:16

Given that this is a sudden change, does seem like the teacher is not handling it great.

If the issue is generally before lunch time:

  • is he hungry and would a more substantial snack at break time help?
  • are particular lessons the issue - art or technology or drama where there is more chaotic moving around the room than in other lessons for example
  • what is the classroom layout like and where is he sitting? How does that compare to last year - is he sitting on a noisy table / near something that makes a repetitive and annoying noise / near the door getting disturbed every time someone goes for a loo break?
  • have you seen the classroom - you might be able to identify some small adaptation the teacher hasn't considered?
  • can the issue be managed by the teacher finding an errand for him to run / task to do out of the classroom during that period of the day? I don't mean removing him from the class but proactively anticipating that he might need a quick break and sending him to pick up the photocopied worksheets or pop into his old teacher's classroom to get a spare whiteboard pen etc

Given that he was coping reasonably well before, it does seem a bit drastic to move straight to out of school and looking for specialist provision.

DD's primary did all this and more. Without being asked.

I agree with PP who said he's being managed out.

PensionPTake · 11/09/2026 16:23

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 16:14

dont punish him when he comes home because most of the time by then he is absolutely shattered and upset. I dont think taking away his ipad is going to teach him not to have a meltdown, especially when he isnt doing it because he thinks its funny or because he wants to be naughty.

That doesnt mean he is allowed to behave however he wants. We do talk about what happened once he is calm and he knows throwing things and pushing furniture isnt acceptable. He has apologised before as well. But im not going to make him sit and write an apology while hes still completely overwhelmed because i dont see what that achieves.

And no i dont think he is going to end up involved with the police because he has thrown a chair at school. Honestly some of the replies are a bit dramatic.

The £2k is not £2k just on therapy either. There are assessments, private sessions, equipment and things we have had to pay for because we couldnt get them quickly through school or NHS. I have looked at private schools and yes some are technically within reach but its not like we can just decide to pay £20k a year without thinking about it. We have other expenses and DS would still need the right support there.

I do agree with the posters saying the school and the question of where he should ultimately be are separate. Thats more what im trying to get my head around. Even if specialist provision turns out to be best, i dont think that means the school can just keep ringing me and saying collect him until a place appears.

As for the PRU, i honestly dont know. I hadnt really considered that and im not sure that would be suitable for him anyway. He isnt a child who just needs discipline, he gets overwhelmed and then has these massive reactions. I dont think putting him somewhere more punitive would help.

Someone asked what techniques work. Quiet room, headphones, low demands, giving him time, not asking lots of questions when hes already upset. He responds well if somebody speaks quietly and gives him a bit of space. If people keep telling him to stop and calm down he gets worse.

I am going to ask for the meeting and an early EHCP review and also ask them properly what they think has changed since last year. I dont think that is denial.

Maybe specialist school will be the answer. Maybe another mainstream school will be. I just dont think anybody on here can decide that from a few paragraphs about a bad two weeks.

And for the person saying im damaging him by keeping him mainstream, thats a bit unfair. Im trying to work out what is actually best for my child, not prove a point about mainstream school.

Unfortunately you're going to get a hell of a lot of opinions from people who are woefully ignorant about send on here.