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To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

660 replies

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 13:19

Sorry this is long and probably doesnt make much sense but i am so fed up and dont really know if im being unreasonable anymore.

I have 2 boys, 12 and 9, both have additional needs although they are very different. DS2 has always been harder in school but usually he manages and we have never had anything like this before. Since going back this September he has apparently been having what they call explosive behaviour and he has now been sent home several times. One day they rang me before lunch and said i needed to collect him because he wasnt able to calm down and they didnt have the staff to keep him safe.

I did collect him because what else can i do, but then its happening again and again. Yesterday they rang and said basically they cant meet his needs at the moment. I said well what does that actually mean because he is supposed to be in school and not sitting at home with me because you dont have enough staff.

They keep saying they are not excluding him and that its a “temporary arrangement” while they look at what support he needs. Sorry but if my child is being told to stay at home because school cant cope with him, what exactly do they think an exclusion is??

I have asked about his support plan and whether they have actually done everything that is in it and i get lots of meetings and people saying they are concerned but nobody seems to actually have an answer. I dont want to keep having arguments with the school because obviously DS has to go there and i dont want things getting worse for him, but i also cant just accept him being kept home every time he has a meltdown.

DH thinks im making this harder than it needs to be and says we should look at specialist provision. I know he might be right but i dont want DS2 being put somewhere just because his current school doesnt want the bother. His brother is at the same school and they are very close, and DS2 already feels different enough without being taken away and told he needs a special school.

And before anyone says we should just pay for extra help, we actually do. Between therapy, assessments, things for school, transport and other bits we are spending over £2,000 a month at the moment. Yes i know thats a lot. We arent sitting on a pile of money, it is coming out of our savings and some of the things are because we have been told to get them privately because waiting lists are ridiculous. Im not saying that means the school owes us anything, just that its frustrating to constantly be told to get more support when we are already trying everything we can.

I am not pretending DS is easy. He can be very difficult when he is overwhelmed and i know the other children need to be safe too. But surely the answer cant just be send him home until he behaves normally? He cant learn how to manage school if he isnt actually allowed to be at school.

DH says im refusing to accept that he needs specialist help and maybe i am. I just feel like once we go down that road thats it, he gets labelled and everyone gives up trying to make mainstream work.

So AIBU to be pushing back on this and saying they cant keep sending him home because they “cant cope”? Or am i the one refusing to accept reality here?

OP posts:
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6
Phineyj · 13/09/2026 19:53

I don't think the hubs are going to be staffed by a qualified teacher, are they? So it's likely to only be a posher version of a TA taking the child out to work with them.

Certainly at secondary, I cannot see how there could be subject teaching in the hubs, apart from maybe a bit of Maths and English.

Phineyj · 13/09/2026 20:08

I mean if it's hub or get sent home, obviously hub is better as a short term solution especially if you need to work, but I wouldn't kid myself an education is going to happen in there.

We had one at my secondary but it closed as we had no-one to staff it. The behaviour one remained, staffed by SLT on a rota. That was OK and occasionally academic work got done independently where staff had time to set it.

I do not mean properly run alternative provision here but the cheapo solutions that are proposed in the White Paper.

Araminta1004 · 13/09/2026 20:48

There are a lot of children though who can’t manage 8-10 GCSEs for various reasons (not always academic) and surely hubs IF PROPERLY RESOURCED could be good for them. As they have somewhere to go in off timetabled lessons. The pressure for some kids to do too many GCSEs is just too much, even if they were in theory academically capable enough (social emotional, mental health, physical health reasons). I agree there has to be proper teaching staff there and a plan for each child. If the hubs come in as a big idea and properly funded, there is no reason that it cannot work well, at least in theory! Same for larger primary schools. In my area of London there are already several working well but they are typically in the multi form entry primaries who also have more funding as they have far more kids. And with more funding comes more resources for all types of additional needs and some savings to eg found dyslexia resources for many and therapies for social emotional etc.

roaringdragon · 13/09/2026 20:56

surely hubs IF PROPERLY RESOURCED could be good for them.
there is no reason that it cannot work well

That depends on the child’s needs. There are reasons other than being properly resourced why hubs/units/provisions don’t work for some DC.

I have 2 DSs with EOTAS/EOTIS. A hub/unit wouldn’t work for them even if it had all the resources in the world.

Owninterpreter · 13/09/2026 21:07

I work for primary school that has a successful hub, but part of that success has been identifying a very specific type of student that would benefit from it and resourcing it around that need. Its not just any difficult child is sent there. Its well funded as its a trial..

It has a qualified teacher and a TA in it but many of the children transfer out the hub into special. It hasn't really worked as a permanent solution for more than half the students using it, but its a success in that the children still get education whilst waiting for special and are less traumatised and the classes are less disrupted. For some it works as intended and allows them to keep accessing mainstream.

Edited to say by difficult i mean child having difficulty access education not that the child is difficult.

Cardisncocktails · 13/09/2026 22:31

If it's a legal obligation & the school aren't able to deliver it... where next?? Simply saying the school is responsible legally as some posters on this thread are doing is not a magic wand. Many posters on this thread say 'it's a legal responsibility' as if that's a magic spell which will somehow put the OPs child at the front of the resources queue.
Therefore, if a school can't deliver the EHCP, and OP (and others) are saying they MUST deliver it immediately... what happens next???🤷🏼‍♀️ The only way to FORCE it to happen is legal process. (Which takes time. Kicking the can down the road...)
Realism seems to go out of the window when some people claim that their legal 'rights' are to be met with immediate effect. People in England don't want to pay more income tax/Council tax. SOMETHING has to give.....🤷🏼‍♀️

Cardisncocktails · 13/09/2026 22:32

Phineyj · 13/09/2026 15:09

Who's threatened legal action?

If it's a legal obligation & the school aren't able to deliver it... where next?? Simply saying the school is responsible legally as some posters on this thread are doing is not a magic wand. Many posters on this thread say 'it's a legal responsibility' as if that's a magic spell which will somehow put the OPs child at the front of the resources queue.
Therefore, if a school can't deliver the EHCP, and OP (and others) are saying they MUST deliver it immediately... what happens next???🤷🏼‍♀️ The only way to FORCE it to happen is legal process. (Which takes time. Kicking the can down the road...)
Realism seems to go out of the window when some people claim that their legal 'rights' are to be met with immediate effect. People in England don't want to pay more income tax/Council tax. SOMETHING has to give.....🤷🏼‍♀️

TicklishDuck · 14/09/2026 05:13

As PP have said, the school are not allowed to call you to collect him like this. I have been working in schools for 14 years and in pastoral for 6 years. They can call and ask you to come in and help to calm him down but they cannot ask you to take him home. This is an illegal suspension. If you decide to take him home, then you should sign paperwork to that effect. The school are breaking the law by calling and asking you to take him home.

If he is difficult for them, you should be having a meeting a making a plan. This school is not supporting his needs and you would be within your rights as a parent to contact the governors and put in a formal complaint. You could also contact Ofsted. If the school can't meet his needs, they need to show proof of that. Moving forward, you need to keep a record of every time you are called and asked to collect DS then follow up with email about this happening. They need to know that you are keeping a record.

cityliving99 · 14/09/2026 05:45

TicklishDuck · 14/09/2026 05:13

As PP have said, the school are not allowed to call you to collect him like this. I have been working in schools for 14 years and in pastoral for 6 years. They can call and ask you to come in and help to calm him down but they cannot ask you to take him home. This is an illegal suspension. If you decide to take him home, then you should sign paperwork to that effect. The school are breaking the law by calling and asking you to take him home.

If he is difficult for them, you should be having a meeting a making a plan. This school is not supporting his needs and you would be within your rights as a parent to contact the governors and put in a formal complaint. You could also contact Ofsted. If the school can't meet his needs, they need to show proof of that. Moving forward, you need to keep a record of every time you are called and asked to collect DS then follow up with email about this happening. They need to know that you are keeping a record.

I doubt a primary school has a pastoral team to support the teacher. So who does?

Twopairsoftightsandabigdairymilk · 14/09/2026 06:50

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Kirbert2 · 14/09/2026 07:07

Cardisncocktails · 13/09/2026 22:32

If it's a legal obligation & the school aren't able to deliver it... where next?? Simply saying the school is responsible legally as some posters on this thread are doing is not a magic wand. Many posters on this thread say 'it's a legal responsibility' as if that's a magic spell which will somehow put the OPs child at the front of the resources queue.
Therefore, if a school can't deliver the EHCP, and OP (and others) are saying they MUST deliver it immediately... what happens next???🤷🏼‍♀️ The only way to FORCE it to happen is legal process. (Which takes time. Kicking the can down the road...)
Realism seems to go out of the window when some people claim that their legal 'rights' are to be met with immediate effect. People in England don't want to pay more income tax/Council tax. SOMETHING has to give.....🤷🏼‍♀️

I'd expect the school to tell me if they can't deliver the EHCP, I'd then call an emergency EHCP review to see if anything can be done about it and if not, tell both me and the LA that his needs can't be met at school and begin to collect evidence to show the LA needs can't be met.

If he needs to be collected, I'd expect the school to do the correct paperwork and not act unlawfully.

Phineyj · 14/09/2026 07:09

Cardisncocktails · 13/09/2026 22:32

If it's a legal obligation & the school aren't able to deliver it... where next?? Simply saying the school is responsible legally as some posters on this thread are doing is not a magic wand. Many posters on this thread say 'it's a legal responsibility' as if that's a magic spell which will somehow put the OPs child at the front of the resources queue.
Therefore, if a school can't deliver the EHCP, and OP (and others) are saying they MUST deliver it immediately... what happens next???🤷🏼‍♀️ The only way to FORCE it to happen is legal process. (Which takes time. Kicking the can down the road...)
Realism seems to go out of the window when some people claim that their legal 'rights' are to be met with immediate effect. People in England don't want to pay more income tax/Council tax. SOMETHING has to give.....🤷🏼‍♀️

The process (which has been explained several times already) is:

The school SENCO asks the LA to hold an emergency review of the EHCP (yes all schools have a SENCO).
The LA decides whether to amend the EHCP (provision or placement).

It would help everyone if the school were doing things legally by excluding not just sending home.

No lawyers are likely to be involved, although LAs do sometimes retain lawyers (at taxpayers' expense) to prevent children getting EHCPs in the first place.

ThereIsNo · 14/09/2026 08:47

Phineyj · 13/09/2026 19:53

I don't think the hubs are going to be staffed by a qualified teacher, are they? So it's likely to only be a posher version of a TA taking the child out to work with them.

Certainly at secondary, I cannot see how there could be subject teaching in the hubs, apart from maybe a bit of Maths and English.

Yes, in my LA, they are all staffed by qualified teachers. I have already added information, in this thread, as well as other positives of the hubs.

roaringdragon · 14/09/2026 09:05

@Phineyj I think the pp is meaning enforcement of an EHCP (not always possible since too many are poorly written) where LAs are in breach of the s42 duty. That can be done via JR if necessary. No, it isn’t instant, but it is a route that works. A lot of the time, a pre-action letter works so people don’t need to move on to JR proceedings. Although, sadly, not as often as it used to because LAs know finding someone with a legal aid contract to take things further isn’t as easy as it once was because demand is high.

@ThereIsNo that may be the case in your LA, but sadly it isn’t the case in many. Even where they are staffed by teachers with QTS, at secondary level, it is very unusual for the hubs to have subjects specialists.

ThereIsNo · 14/09/2026 09:12

roaringdragon · 14/09/2026 09:05

@Phineyj I think the pp is meaning enforcement of an EHCP (not always possible since too many are poorly written) where LAs are in breach of the s42 duty. That can be done via JR if necessary. No, it isn’t instant, but it is a route that works. A lot of the time, a pre-action letter works so people don’t need to move on to JR proceedings. Although, sadly, not as often as it used to because LAs know finding someone with a legal aid contract to take things further isn’t as easy as it once was because demand is high.

@ThereIsNo that may be the case in your LA, but sadly it isn’t the case in many. Even where they are staffed by teachers with QTS, at secondary level, it is very unusual for the hubs to have subjects specialists.

I don't think the hubs are going to be staffed by a qualified teacher, are they

I was correcting the sweeping statement made, which gives a negative connotation that is not necessarily true.

The factual information I gave earlier was ignored in the same statement too.

roaringdragon · 14/09/2026 09:16

ThereIsNo · 14/09/2026 09:12

I don't think the hubs are going to be staffed by a qualified teacher, are they

I was correcting the sweeping statement made, which gives a negative connotation that is not necessarily true.

The factual information I gave earlier was ignored in the same statement too.

And I was merely pointing out many aren’t, even if they are in your LA.

ThereIsNo · 14/09/2026 10:00

roaringdragon · 14/09/2026 09:16

And I was merely pointing out many aren’t, even if they are in your LA.

Great, thanks for agreeing with the inaccuracy and qualifying that some hubs are/will be staffed by qualified teachers.

The statement would have been more accurate if it had been
I don't think the (all) hubs are going to be staffed by a qualified teacher, are they
Or more positive some/many hubs will be staffed by qualified teachers.
IME the lead and teacher for the hub is a member of the Senior Leadership Team and the SENCO.

roaringdragon · 14/09/2026 10:15

Many hubs/units/provisions/whatever you want to call them aren’t and won’t be though. Even when they are, many don’t have subject specialists. In even more, while there is an overall teacher in charge of the hub a fair amount of the day to day teaching is not delivered by them or other teachers. Some are properly staffed by teachers, although, personally, I wouldn’t say it was many.

JoB1kenobi · 14/09/2026 10:51

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 15:38

I have looked at some of them but honestly its all a bit confusing and there isnt loads near us. DH keeps saying we should just apply and see what happens but i dont think he realises how long everything takes and that there arent just places sitting there waiting.

Someone said about private education, yes we have thought about it. Thats partly what the £2k is about really although not all of it is education. Some is therapy and assessments and things weve been told to get privately. I dont have another £2k spare on top of that though. We have a mortgage and normal bills and everything else, its not like we are choosing between a holiday and paying for DS.

I also dont think private school automatically means they can meet his needs. We would need somewhere that actually understands him and can deal with him when hes overwhelmed, not just somewhere with smaller classes.

I do understand that the chair and table being thrown is frightening for other people. Im not saying it isnt. I just dont think DS is sitting there deciding to make everyone scared. He gets completely overwhelmed and then loses control. Thats why i want them to look at what is happening before it gets to that point.

And yes DH does help with things, but if im being honest i do most of the phone calls and emails because im the one who is usually available when school ring. He has looked at some specialist schools but i dont think we have got as far as qualifications and travel and all that yet. At the moment its more a case of trying to work out what options there actually are.

DS does know something has changed. He keeps saying the new teacher doesnt like him and that she tells him off more than his old teacher did. He also says the classroom is louder and there is more work he doesnt understand. I asked him why he thinks hes getting upset and he basically said because he cant make it stop when everyone is talking and he gets angry.

I dont know how much of that is him explaining it properly though because obviously hes 9 and when he is upset everything becomes “because she hates me” or “everyone is being horrible”.

Im not against specialist school, i just dont want to jump straight to it without knowing what has actually changed since July. If another mainstream school could give him the right support then that might be better, but i dont know how you even work that out when hes currently struggling so much.

The wait is only going to get longer the longer you put it off. Imagine at high school if this is what he’s like in primary. Get the ball rolling and stop making excuses.

Greypanda86 · 14/09/2026 11:12

How come both kids are at the same school when one is 12 and one is 9? Is he happy to go home when you arrive? I wonder if this in itself is making the incidents more frequent as he knows he can go home. I don’t really know about the legalities around him being sent home but I’m sure it’s not doing him any favours. What does he say about why he behaves in this way? I understand he has additional needs but do you tell him it’s unacceptable and are there any consequences or does he have a great time with you when he gets home

PensionPTake · 14/09/2026 11:14

roaringdragon · 14/09/2026 09:05

@Phineyj I think the pp is meaning enforcement of an EHCP (not always possible since too many are poorly written) where LAs are in breach of the s42 duty. That can be done via JR if necessary. No, it isn’t instant, but it is a route that works. A lot of the time, a pre-action letter works so people don’t need to move on to JR proceedings. Although, sadly, not as often as it used to because LAs know finding someone with a legal aid contract to take things further isn’t as easy as it once was because demand is high.

@ThereIsNo that may be the case in your LA, but sadly it isn’t the case in many. Even where they are staffed by teachers with QTS, at secondary level, it is very unusual for the hubs to have subjects specialists.

Mine attended a unit. They had one teacher (English) and no proper specialist subject teaching, so their GCSE grades were all over the shop. When my next child went through they couldn't even do GCSEs in the hub. They'd have been better off in a specialist provision where they could access GCSEs (not that were any of those!). They're now post 16 and still don't have any GCSEs because there's no settings to take them and our la have no way for children not on roll at all school to sit exams.

Binnyforthewin · 14/09/2026 11:34

ThereIsNo · 14/09/2026 10:00

Great, thanks for agreeing with the inaccuracy and qualifying that some hubs are/will be staffed by qualified teachers.

The statement would have been more accurate if it had been
I don't think the (all) hubs are going to be staffed by a qualified teacher, are they
Or more positive some/many hubs will be staffed by qualified teachers.
IME the lead and teacher for the hub is a member of the Senior Leadership Team and the SENCO.

You write just like Chatgpt does!

Ikeepforgettingmykeys · 14/09/2026 12:39

'This school is not supporting his needs and you would be within your rights as a parent to contact the governors and put in a formal complaint.'

Not sure this works for all schools e.g. academies.

Phineyj · 14/09/2026 12:44

ThereIsNo · 14/09/2026 09:12

I don't think the hubs are going to be staffed by a qualified teacher, are they

I was correcting the sweeping statement made, which gives a negative connotation that is not necessarily true.

The factual information I gave earlier was ignored in the same statement too.

I think I can definitely state that no students in a mainstream school hub will be receiving teaching from an Economics teacher (my subject) because there aren't enough teachers to teach classes as it is.

Now you could argue that doesn't matter, but the fact is most students wouldn't get a "broad and balanced curriculum" in a hub, which does matter if it continues for any significant time.

Phineyj · 14/09/2026 12:45

It doesn't much matter either if some best practice version of something exists somewhere, if it's not accessible to your child!

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