To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

EHCP's can help some children manage in mainstream. They aren't only for children who need specialist provision.

Mainstream school isn’t for him, the other students shouldn’t have their education disrupted because of 1 child, I would totally understand & support school decision

Ask your local authority if there are any schools close to you that have a SEN hub. That may be a more appropriate provision for him.

School has a legal process it needs to follow and it isn't doing it this is not helpful to anyone just hoping parents will get fed up and try another school is not an appropriate way of getting a good outcome

Apply for DLA again and appeal if refused. DS meets the criteria. On their website, Cerebra has a guide you can use to help you complete the form.

If you haven’t heard of SOSSEN, have you heard of IPSEA? Another charity with information on their website.

He hasn’t been managing in mainstream until now though has he? Or he wouldn’t have an EHCP

Not necessarily, despite what LAs and schools sometimes say, DC do not have to fail/not manage in MS before getting an EHCP. It is actually possible to get an EHCP before even starting.

Please look carefully at the specialised school as this could be life enhancing for your son

I think the teacher your DS had last year was probably a very very rare gem, and the teacher he has this year is not necessarily a bad teacher, but is certainly a poor fit for him.

It is exceptionally rare IME for a teacher to be able to spot overwhelm/dysregulation building up and head it off in one pupil while being aware of and in charge of the rest of the class. Exceptionally rare. Expecting this in every class is just not realistic, and if he is constantly getting wound up because the general sound level in the classroom is over what he can manage, and there is a teacher who also has a fairly strict and direct classroom management style, this can be a complete disaster IME because if a child is already on edge because their sensory needs are not being met, then they tend to have more difficult, "on edge" type behaviour, ie, their tone of voice will be blunter and may come across as rude or cheeky, they may be leaning towards being slightly silly, even if not actively disruptive. This is exactly the kind of thing that a strict teacher will often jump on straight away, because in most pupils it would nip it in the bud and prevent the behaviour from escalating. But when you have a child for whom this kind of thing is more of a sign of dysregulation than boundary testing, first of all they are probably not even aware that they are doing this so any kind of correction will come out of the blue for them and be a huge surprise in itself, but secondly, as well as causing their behaviour to be on edge, their ability to cope with various things they find difficult is likely to also be right on the edge. So whereas perhaps normally they could accept being mildly reprimanded and just apologise and keep their head down, if they are already on edge they may experience this as a massive attack and go into a defensive escalation in response. Or whereas normally they might notice something being out of order and know that they are not really supposed to point it out, they may feel that they are unable to ignore it and point it out, which again the teacher may take as them being rude/insolent and so on, or they might misinterpret comments from other pupils as being more derogatory than they were meant which can then look like him overreacting to other pupils.

Sending him to the calm down place when he's already worked up tells me that this teacher is trying to use the tools they have been told to use for this pupil, but does not really understand the purpose of the tool or the time and place to use it. That is not necessarily their fault, and it is highly unlikely to mean they "can't be bothered".

You might be able to manage with an "in between" teacher who is not perhaps as flexible and observant as the previous teacher, but who isn't as rigid and direct as the strict teacher - however, IME, with an in between teacher, you still need a few things to be in place and I don't know from your posts whether they are. Basically he would still need to have support with other sources of stress such as the sensory input, any bullying, needing more time to process certain things etc. And the main one being that he would need to be able and willing to play some part in managing his own regulation level which means that he is able to notice when he is getting to a lower level of dysregulation and be able to communicate this and then go off and use any tools which are available to him. Often this part fails with a strict teacher, because the teacher assumes that the student's attempt to communicate is an attempt to escape or avoid something they don't want to do, or ends up using it as a bargaining chip (which will not work).

Therapies and services outside of school are useful, but unlikely to directly help with school unless the school are working with the therapist, which I've never heard of in a MS school in the UK (possibly if there is a resource "pod" within the school). The support needs to be in place IN school. For my own DS the missing piece of the puzzle was ADHD medication - that seems to bring his capacity for handling the sensory stuff up a bit, enable him not to use absolutely every single brain cell trying to concentrate leaving none to actually do the work, and reduce his emotional volatility/reactiveness so that he wasn't getting to the level of explosive that they needed to call me about it. I'm not personally convinced this is a durable solution, because I suspect it will get to a point again at some point where the demands of the school environment outweigh the support that the medication gives him, and because he was doing much better the school also seem to think that means he doesn't need any support in the classroom any more, which I find quite unlikely and think they are making a mistake expecting him to do without any, but we will see. Unfortunately you get this a lot - it's often a view that a child's needs are just a phase, or a developmental thing they will "grow out of" or their sensory needs are something they will "get used to" and while I'm sure that probably is the case sometimes, I just think they are pushing too fast and misunderstanding the nature of his difficulties.

I do think unfortunately if it's not the case that your DS has a combination of support within the classroom (which could also involve pharmaceutical support ie medication) AND the willingness/ability to manage his dysregulation himself then it might be that a MS school is not the right setting. I don't know whether MS will be right for my DS all the way through. If I knew that there was a setting for him which would offer him the chance to gain the same qualifications and where the classroom support would be there I would grab it in a heartbeat, because it is less important to me that he goes to a "normal" school, than that the school is right for him, but I do want him to have the same opportunities. Where we are, the special schools tend to have different qualifications which take longer to get into standard career routes, so I will keep persisting with MS unless it gets to the point it looks like he would not be likely to achieve the standard qualifications anyway at which point the slower route would matter less.

Why do you think it's about a lack of adults? I've only ever seen parents called for support with dysregulated children as an absolute last resort. Sometimes a child can have 3/4 members of staff supporting to try and stop them from hurting another child or wrecking a classroom. I've had my staff peed on, spat at, scratched and kicked by children. When we've tried everything possible to help a child and then parents will be called - not to send a child home but because they can sometimes help. Often their child does this to the parents too at home and it's been tolerated for so long at home that it's difficult to put these boundaries in place at school. It's sounds like you think his behaviour isn't that bad. Have you started accepting quite extreme behaviour as typical? Throwing things is not okay. Shouting and pushing furniture over is not okay. I guarantee you are also using much softer language than what the school will be using. 'Pushing things over' is probably closer to wrecking classrooms and the class having to evacuate. Do you realise the amount of explaining staff are having to do to other children's parents about the disruption and upset your child is causing? Its not fair on the other 29 children in a mainstream school and it's not fair on staff. I urge you to work with the school and LA (lawyer up if you need to) so you can get a specialist placement for your child. It's not fair on him either being in a place where his needs aren't being met. Start now cause the waiting lists are years.

Therapies and services outside of school are useful, but unlikely to directly help with school unless the school are working with the therapist, which I've never heard of in a MS school in the UK

This can and does happen. It is why improving the EHCP is so important. Not just for direct provision but also indirect provision. Although therapies outside of school can still help.

I feel so much empathy for you and your son reading this. I’m a school leader and can say with certainty in my school ( and I’m sure in others) we care deeply about the other children and are worried and frustrated by what they have to see and hear and the learning they miss when class evacuation is the only way to keep them safe. It’s a really difficult system to work in with finite resources in school and within local authorities. I’m also concerned that the government drive to reduce suspensions and exclusions and keep as many children as possible in mainstream will stretch us even further.

@Jacobatorplease step away from this thread for a while. In spite of some really helpful, knowledgeable comments from a few posters, there are an awful lot of posters on here who clearly don’t understand the education and SEND system and are continuing to post offensive and ableist comments.

I suggest that you post in the Special Needs area of Mumsnet where there are some really well informed parents who can offer you support.

It isn't as simple as OP just applying for a special school place. The LA will have to agree to it and they will need evidence that his needs can't be met in mainstream and even then, it may go to tribunal. It often takes years.

It isn't the only other option at all as he's just as entitled to an education as any other child and OP can't be legally forced to keep him at home.

Sorry op its an incredibly difficult situation. I think your dh is correct and you need to change your mindset around specialist provision. You say couldn't stand ds being told he's going there because he can't behave. Thats not the case at all he
would simply be going to a school better able to support him. You also mention none being available close to you and don't want him travelling - yes travelling might not be convenient but surely is preferable to having to collect a dysregulated upset child daily

if he has uncontrollable anger, I’m not sure what the school is expected to do? Obviously it must be very scary for the other children, and their safety is paramount. Sounds like the school have tried, but nothing is working. I’m not sure how anyone, other than a specialist councillor/therapist could help your DS. It’s not fair to expect the school to have to cope with this every day.

Yep.

My son is in mainstream with fairly extensive needs, 2:1 etc and as part of his EHCP, he gets physio and OT input at school.

My son was illegally exited from school as they couldn’t cope. He squarely falls in between main stream not coping (or wanting to cope - definitely dis-regulating on purpose), independents not wanting and Sen schools being unable to provide peers or appropriate education. Welcome to the world of forced home ed. There are actually many of us, I don’t miss the school runs and there is a lot of online help with how to teach. It’s not my chosen career (particularly as it’s unpaid). But my son is very happy and learning well - we don’t have any of the issues the school did as we work how he wants as and when he’s ready, it’s far more productive. I’ve no advice as I never found any help. Don’t believe the Sen schools exist, you might find they won’t have him anyway.

I don't know the full details, only that he doesn't have an ehcp. DD says he is bright and articulate, does well in tests. He was much better last year, occasional shouting, but no chair throwing etc, she thinks he is testing this years teacher as she is much softer than the make teacher they had last year. The new female head takes him for a hot chocolate in her office apparently when he does this, whereas last year's male head was nice but strict - so I wonder if it's a male vs female thing. Or that the new teacher allows a lot more chatter which he finds hard.

My autistic son kept pushing another possibly autistic child around in the school nursery. Yes I felt embarrassed but he had a right to attend that preschool like any other child. Leaving him at home wouldn't help him learn to behave the correct way.

My autistic son kept pushing another possibly autistic child around in the school nursery. Yes I felt embarrassed but he had a right to attend that preschool like any other child. Leaving him at home wouldn't help him learn to behave the correct way.