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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

660 replies

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 13:19

Sorry this is long and probably doesnt make much sense but i am so fed up and dont really know if im being unreasonable anymore.

I have 2 boys, 12 and 9, both have additional needs although they are very different. DS2 has always been harder in school but usually he manages and we have never had anything like this before. Since going back this September he has apparently been having what they call explosive behaviour and he has now been sent home several times. One day they rang me before lunch and said i needed to collect him because he wasnt able to calm down and they didnt have the staff to keep him safe.

I did collect him because what else can i do, but then its happening again and again. Yesterday they rang and said basically they cant meet his needs at the moment. I said well what does that actually mean because he is supposed to be in school and not sitting at home with me because you dont have enough staff.

They keep saying they are not excluding him and that its a “temporary arrangement” while they look at what support he needs. Sorry but if my child is being told to stay at home because school cant cope with him, what exactly do they think an exclusion is??

I have asked about his support plan and whether they have actually done everything that is in it and i get lots of meetings and people saying they are concerned but nobody seems to actually have an answer. I dont want to keep having arguments with the school because obviously DS has to go there and i dont want things getting worse for him, but i also cant just accept him being kept home every time he has a meltdown.

DH thinks im making this harder than it needs to be and says we should look at specialist provision. I know he might be right but i dont want DS2 being put somewhere just because his current school doesnt want the bother. His brother is at the same school and they are very close, and DS2 already feels different enough without being taken away and told he needs a special school.

And before anyone says we should just pay for extra help, we actually do. Between therapy, assessments, things for school, transport and other bits we are spending over £2,000 a month at the moment. Yes i know thats a lot. We arent sitting on a pile of money, it is coming out of our savings and some of the things are because we have been told to get them privately because waiting lists are ridiculous. Im not saying that means the school owes us anything, just that its frustrating to constantly be told to get more support when we are already trying everything we can.

I am not pretending DS is easy. He can be very difficult when he is overwhelmed and i know the other children need to be safe too. But surely the answer cant just be send him home until he behaves normally? He cant learn how to manage school if he isnt actually allowed to be at school.

DH says im refusing to accept that he needs specialist help and maybe i am. I just feel like once we go down that road thats it, he gets labelled and everyone gives up trying to make mainstream work.

So AIBU to be pushing back on this and saying they cant keep sending him home because they “cant cope”? Or am i the one refusing to accept reality here?

OP posts:
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6
Phineyj · 11/09/2026 17:40

One of the best things you can do as a school is recruit warm receptionists and a librarian (obviously hard in small primary). Those people are like the 4th emergency service.

BakersKitchen · 11/09/2026 17:40

What the school are doing is illegal. How you respond to it is up to you but I would be telling them that unless they would like to issue a formal suspension (which can only last 5 days before something else is put in place) then you will be bringing him to school on Monday as planned.

cityliving99 · 11/09/2026 17:41

Considering secondary schools get no extra funding, other than for those pupils with an EHCP, where are all these extra staff coming from?
Schools now have to deal with a huge number of students with complex medical needs, social needs and SEN needs. There is simply not enough funding and it’s worse week by week.
Before Covid we had the odd child who was aggressive and difficult to manage, now we have many who present like this.
so what has changed so much in 6 years?
The majority of students are amazing, but they have no interest in students who disrupt learning and are potentially a danger to them. For the majority, they want to do their best, to leave school with the best results and to have made some great memories.
if you feel all needs should be met, you are living in a dream world. Lobby the government to give schools the funding to build more facilities, to have more staff and to pay support staff a lot more money, rather than just above the minimum wage.

IButtleSir · 11/09/2026 17:41

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EarthaKittsVoice · 11/09/2026 17:42

PensionPTake · 11/09/2026 16:59

Schools can take legal action but they rarely do. I do know of one case where a school instigated judicial review action when a LA decimated a child's EHCP to make the school seem suitable when they weren't.

They could also do this when the EHCP isn't being appropriately funded. But again they rarely do.

They rarely stand up and tell LAs a child's EHCP needs to be more specific and quantified, despite knowing they should be and this is the only way to ensure adequate funding is provided. Why not?

schools can also tell parents they can't meet needs because they can't do x due to lack of funding and parents can then take action. Again schools very rarely do this though. Why not? These last two in particular wouldn't cost them a penny.

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This is so correct.

There are so few cases of schools using their own legal might, to get things done in a proper way, and to ensure their funding is correct.

In these type of cases, schools like to quietly get the child off the books so they won't be their 'problem' anymore.

Original poster
Jacobator · 11/09/2026 17:43

Doghelp12 · 11/09/2026 17:24

I think there are a couple of important questions...

What part of the Section F are the school not providing?
And do you believe the school are capable of implementing the provision?

I have been senco in a school that has 2 classrooms, a small hall, a front office, a cupboard sized 'staff room' and a small playground...and the LA authority have insisted they can put in place provision that stated a 'low stimulation room available throughout the day' ' outside space for movement breaks when needed' and ' a designated working space and individual desk'.

When it was pointed out that the small playground was used for PE so the child couldn't always use it exclusively, and there were no spaces to use for working or low stimulation time, they disagreed and named us anyway.

The entire school was surrounded by privately owned farmer fields. The poor boy spent a year trying to climb fences and run through the children doing PE if they were around him outside. No amount of funding available would have made that possible. This village had never experienced that level of need and were an angry mob when their child got knocked over.
However, I also worked in a 2 form entry mainstream with 3 SEMH rooms, and ASD room, 'heavy work' room, sensory room and a huge outside area. Both mainstream, one equipped and one not.

Realistically, the LA don't care if the school can meet need, if a parent chooses it, they name it. Here, anyway. Never had the LA accept a 'no' to consultation.

This is probably the bit i dont understand properly. I know what is written in his EHCP but i dont know what the school can actually realistically do all of it every single day.

There is a quiet space and he has his own desk, and he is allowed movement breaks and headphones etc. The problem seems to be when he is already really overwhelmed and needs an adult to help him get to that point before it turns into a big incident.

I suppose ive just assumed if its written in the EHCP then the school must be able to provide it, but from what youre saying thats obviously not always how it works.

I dont think the school are saying they physically have nowhere for him to go, its more the staffing. They have said they cant always have somebody available to take him somewhere or stay with him when he refuses to go himself.

And i can see what you mean about the LA naming a school that cant actually do what is in the plan. I hadnt really thought about it from the schools side because obviously im looking at it as his mum and thinking if its in there then it should be happening.

I dont want DS to spend a year being miserable somewhere either. Thats actually one of the things that worries me about just moving him because if the new place isnt right we could end up back in the same position.

Maybe i need to stop thinking of this as the school versus me and actually ask them to show me exactly what they can provide, what they cant provide and what they think would make the difference. At the moment ive just been getting very upset every time they ring and saying they cant cope.

I still think they shouldnt be sending him home informally though. Even if they genuinely cant meet what he needs, there must be a proper process for deciding what happens next.

The example youve given has actually made me think more about whether its the provision thats the problem rather than just DS or the teacher. If the school literally doesnt have the space or staff to do whats needed then changing the wording of the EHCP isnt going to magically create another adult.

I just dont want anyone deciding hes unsuitable for mainstream without actually looking at what he needs and what is available to him first.

OP posts:
Frightnights · 11/09/2026 17:44

I know someone who has been through similar, although they never wanted mainstream in the first place for their child but had to send them there for reception. The school did the exact same thing. Child in a specialist school now and much happier.

I understand it might be hard to accept but once you have accepted your child needs a different setting it might actually be something that you have to fight for.
The local authority will require the school to prove they can't manage to give your child a place somewhere else. If you withdraw him from school yourself school won't be obliged to do this I dont think. So, whatever you do don't withdraw him with nowhere else to go.

Littlefish · 11/09/2026 17:47

Genevieva · 11/09/2026 17:14

Children in school need to be ready to learn. If your son doesn’t respond to what the school can reasonably offer to facilitate that, then you need to pick him up. School is not a childminding service.

Your comment is, quite frankly, ableist and offensive.

There is a national policy to include children with SEND in mainstream, rather than Specialist provision.

If you have a child or children in school you would be wise to educate yourself on what this means.

The OP’s school is acting illegally.

Xanhi · 11/09/2026 17:48

PensionPTake · 11/09/2026 16:59

Schools can take legal action but they rarely do. I do know of one case where a school instigated judicial review action when a LA decimated a child's EHCP to make the school seem suitable when they weren't.

They could also do this when the EHCP isn't being appropriately funded. But again they rarely do.

They rarely stand up and tell LAs a child's EHCP needs to be more specific and quantified, despite knowing they should be and this is the only way to ensure adequate funding is provided. Why not?

schools can also tell parents they can't meet needs because they can't do x due to lack of funding and parents can then take action. Again schools very rarely do this though. Why not? These last two in particular wouldn't cost them a penny.

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Which member of staff is going to do that job? You don't get spare staff at school with time to do extra work. LAs and schools are already very short of funding. If money goes into staffing and finding legal battles, it gets cut from somewhere else.

namechange0998776554799000 · 11/09/2026 17:48

Just be aware that if you or the school start using the term 'can't meet needs', there is a risk he will have to leave and be left without education until a school that can meet needs can be found.

cityliving99 · 11/09/2026 17:49

Littlefish · 11/09/2026 17:47

Your comment is, quite frankly, ableist and offensive.

There is a national policy to include children with SEND in mainstream, rather than Specialist provision.

If you have a child or children in school you would be wise to educate yourself on what this means.

The OP’s school is acting illegally.

Show quote history

You are correct.
But no extra funding.
Just like school pay awards, not fully funded.
So what do you suggest?

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 17:51

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Nooo.

It's the LA's job.

A lot of us have had to do what you suggest because the LA is crap, but that doesn't make it the parent's job.

Lovestotravel79 · 11/09/2026 17:52

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cityliving99 · 11/09/2026 17:52

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 17:40

One of the best things you can do as a school is recruit warm receptionists and a librarian (obviously hard in small primary). Those people are like the 4th emergency service.

Both on terrible pay scales….
Yet receptionists are expected to navigate aggressive parents and the librarians are now bogged down trying to teach students to read, because parents apparently don’t always have the time.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 17:52

The odd thing us they DO have funding through the EHCP and until just a few weeks ago, it was meeting need or more or less.

Makebelieveanotherlife · 11/09/2026 17:54

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roaringdragon · 11/09/2026 17:54

namechange0998776554799000 · 11/09/2026 17:48

Just be aware that if you or the school start using the term 'can't meet needs', there is a risk he will have to leave and be left without education until a school that can meet needs can be found.

This is not true. Even if OP’s DS was unable to attend school, the LA is still responsible for providing a suitable full-time education and anything in F.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 17:54

cityliving99 · 11/09/2026 17:52

Both on terrible pay scales….
Yet receptionists are expected to navigate aggressive parents and the librarians are now bogged down trying to teach students to read, because parents apparently don’t always have the time.

Show quote history

At my school the best receptionist is ex NHS. They prefer school to NHS as the hours work better for looking after their own kids. All the librarians I've worked with have been amazing. Yes they should be paid more but there's no need to be defeatist.

Binnyforthewin · 11/09/2026 17:55

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Nope that is the LEA job. It is their legal responsibility.

Phineyj · 11/09/2026 17:56

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This would be a stronger argument if the school were doing exclusion paperwork.

Octavia64 · 11/09/2026 17:57

namechange0998776554799000 · 11/09/2026 17:48

Just be aware that if you or the school start using the term 'can't meet needs', there is a risk he will have to leave and be left without education until a school that can meet needs can be found.

The LA aren’t allowed to leave him without an education,

if he’s not got a space in a school they are supposed to provide education in another way.

this is usually through tutors at home although other options are available.

it is however very inconvenient if you have to work and most LAs have to be chased very hard to make them stick to their legal obligations

roaringdragon · 11/09/2026 17:57

cityliving99 · 11/09/2026 17:41

Considering secondary schools get no extra funding, other than for those pupils with an EHCP, where are all these extra staff coming from?
Schools now have to deal with a huge number of students with complex medical needs, social needs and SEN needs. There is simply not enough funding and it’s worse week by week.
Before Covid we had the odd child who was aggressive and difficult to manage, now we have many who present like this.
so what has changed so much in 6 years?
The majority of students are amazing, but they have no interest in students who disrupt learning and are potentially a danger to them. For the majority, they want to do their best, to leave school with the best results and to have made some great memories.
if you feel all needs should be met, you are living in a dream world. Lobby the government to give schools the funding to build more facilities, to have more staff and to pay support staff a lot more money, rather than just above the minimum wage.

The child is in primary school. Although it isn’t true to say secondary schools get no extra funding other than EHCP funding.

Littlefish · 11/09/2026 17:59

Do commenters on this thread have ANY idea how difficult it is to get a place in specialist provision.

Just saying ‘oh, he should go to special school’ is absolutely pointless.

Children wait YEARS for specialist provision to become available, particularly children like the OP’s son who sounds like he is doing well academically. Much specialist provision now is only available to students with an extremely high level of need. The OP’s son doesn’t sound like he is anywhere near that threshold.

An EHCP is a legal document which puts provision in place to meet a child’s need. If a school feels that that provision isn’t sufficient or that the funding is insufficient, there are routes they can go down to appeal the EHCP via a review.

What they can’t do is ignore any of the requirements in the EHCP, or illegally exclude the child. Every time the school phones the OP and ask her to take her ds home, without issuing formal exclusion paperwork, it IS an illegal exclusion.

Kirbert2 · 11/09/2026 17:59

Octavia64 · 11/09/2026 17:57

The LA aren’t allowed to leave him without an education,

if he’s not got a space in a school they are supposed to provide education in another way.

this is usually through tutors at home although other options are available.

it is however very inconvenient if you have to work and most LAs have to be chased very hard to make them stick to their legal obligations

Show quote history

Yep.

When my son was out of school, they did provide a home tutor....for 1 hour a day. I had to fight them to make sure he got his legal full time education.

roaringdragon · 11/09/2026 18:00

Octavia64 · 11/09/2026 17:57

The LA aren’t allowed to leave him without an education,

if he’s not got a space in a school they are supposed to provide education in another way.

this is usually through tutors at home although other options are available.

it is however very inconvenient if you have to work and most LAs have to be chased very hard to make them stick to their legal obligations

Show quote history

Despite what LAs often claim, parents can’t be forced to accept provision at home &/or they can’t be forced to facilitate provision e.g. by being a second adult, so AP doesn’t have to be inconvenient if parents work.

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