AIBU to think sons discussing relationship problems with mums is different?

God, don’t ask AI for advice!!

I obviously don't know the threads you've read, but in general, what's perceived as problematic is grown, married men (not teens/YAs like yours) prioritising their relationship with their mother OVER their relationship with their wife. I think you're comparing apples and oranges.

I agree with this, generally speaking. There are exceptions, of course, but I’d feel somewhat betrayed if my husband was sharing any of our relationship issues with his mum, and I’d not share with my mum either. With all that being said, I’m a grown arse woman with a husband, children, a home, a business… basically I’m not the same as your children op, who are barely adults, honestly! Some sage advice mightn’t go amiss when they’re still feeling their feet int he world of relationships!

Don't mean to sound patronising, but have you considered that the women posting about this online actually do have a problematic MIL and not just the false perception?

Not saying it's all the time, but there is a common dynamic with mothers letting their sons off the hook, normally when the woman has a lot of internalised misogyny. My own mother is like this and would absolutely defend her sons if they committed crimes (can't say the same for her daughters, let alone DILs).

This doesn't seem to apply in your scenario, obviously, I'm just talking more generally about why women are wary of coddling MILs.

It depends if he is being fair when he is describing their relationships troubles. My ex used to slag me off to his mum. He would only tell her his version of events and would completely vilify me to her, then as a result she would change her behaviour towards me. In the end I just stopped seeing her, which ex didnt like. He would make himself out to he the victim and she would enable his behaviour by justifying his actions (as she had only received 1 biased version of events). It was highly damaging. He ended up completely alone, because his mum was always manipulated by him and never made him face up to his own issues.

I agree.

There is a MASSIVE difference between 18 - 22 yr olds living in your home, obviously in the early stages of relationships, and 35 yr old men with their own home, dc (maybe), or family unit in whatever form that is, going back to Mum.

I also agree with everyone saying this is to do with the personality of the mother MiL and their ability to listen, and perhaps ask questions for their ds to think about themselves, rather than interfere.

But it does depend on what 'relationship advice' you are talking about. If I discovered my dh was discussing our sex life with anyone, let alone any of our parents, that would have been the end of our relationship.

To be blunt. It depends on the Mother and the son. And their dynamics with you. For some, it may not be an issue. In my past relationship, it was, and I ended up leaving because I could not disagree with him without him going to his mum about it or calling her during arguments for 'backup' (his words). This was usually after he had pushed me to the point of a meltdown from weeks of his emotional abuse, so he could show her how 'unreasonable' I was being.

No it is a double standard why do men have to hide their feelings?

But no surprises thia place is full of double standards

When a couple is married, both should try using a friend when the problem arises with their DH/DW, Parents and in-laws need to keep out of a marriage unless it is a dangerous or an unfair situation but not tit for tat issues.

None of these things are unreasonable. They’re disrespectful to your home, it’s not a hang out hub, he can carry on with any girl he likes this when he moves out.
The relationship isn’t healthy.
Do not back down. I would not have them
lying in bed, leaving a mess, freeloading in your home, GF having a strop. While they’re under your roof, feel free to tell him this is unhealthy.

My mum wouldn't agree because my brother's and sisters all of us knew we could talk to mum and dad about everything and not be judged at all..Same as we all married adults now we will still go to each other and parents say this happened what's do you think etc or have a moan haha but my parents are good at listening, not taking sides and actually quite often we see that the way we think doesn't necessarily mean it's the right one to make our marriage better.. sometimes it's us that may have a problem and didn't see it etc

If my husband started telling his mother about our arguments, there would quickly be none as I wouldn’t tell him anything anymore. But both of our mothers are narcs and get told nothing.

This is an interesting thread as I never spoke to my late Mum about my relationships and I don't with my Dad either. Same for DH all his life as far as I'm aware, his parents certainly don't know anything about our relationship, and we've been together for over 25 years.

DD (21) has shared a few minor things about her current bf of a year with me, DS (17) has only had a couple of casual girlfriends so far - he did tell me some things, but not much.

I think we mainly talk to close friends instead. I don't really know why as we're close, it's just that parents and relationships don't mix for us.

I believe it makes no difference. I know I do a very good job with 21 yr old ds. I do a much better job than when ds visits his dad and discusses relationships. Had his dad bothered to be close to ds he would have gone to him more often (he favors his youngest by another woman).

I have three adult sons. We are close and they occasionally talk to me about relationship issues. I see my role mainly as support and a listening ear, but I'll advise if I'm asked. I make sure that I keep my counsel and don't repeat anything they tell me. It hasn't caused issues so far. I'll always support my boys, but if they're being twats and behaving badly I'd tell them for sure, and they know that.

It’s not a thing. I’ve seen men online berating their girlfriends and wives for doing the same thing.

Men need to talk to someone about issues in a relationship, why wouldn’t it be their mum?

The only thing mums need to be aware of is, don’t let his issues affect your relationship with the partner, unless they are seriously threatening to your son. My nephew is going through a difficult time and I struggle to watch my sister be quite one sided in her view of his partner. I recognise some of his behaviours from my own relationships in the past and he is not at all blameless with their problems.

Your DS's girlfriend sounds like a bit of a nightmare here! Is she living with you or just spending a lot of time with you?

To me it sounds like less of a "not interfering in my son's relationship" issue and more of a "young people not respecting my home" issue.

Except the one about her crying when your son was going out - that's between them and not for you to interfere.

@Kippergodzillar Yes, that GF sounds controlling, your DS should be able to see his mates without her having a hissy fit. I hope she doesn't live with you, he needs space from her.

It should be the same but it isn’t and that comes from woman. Woman also talk about sexual experiences with friends but would be raging if their husbands did this. As soon as a son is spending time with their mum or speaking to her you alway read on here how they’re running back to mummy and needing mummy and yet it seems to be a great thing if a daughter is best friends either her mum

I was the same and thought it’d no different between my son and daughter, I thought all I had to be was nice and not my mil and everything would be ok but I’m experiencing similar and I feel like I could say what I think to my daughter and she’d take it well and not affect our relationship but either way my son I feel it’s different and I could push him away by voicing my opinion to him. And the only reason I have an opinion is similar to you, he has lost contact with all his friends, he seems not to be able to go anywhere or do anything without her. If it was happening to a girl I think everyone would be concerned but when it’s a boy it’s as if we should but out and he’s old enough to speak for himself. I’m a total feminist and brought them up the same but really struggling with the mil dynamic tbh

As he asked for your opinion you were reasonable to give it, sorry I assumed that you butted in without being asked. Does his girlfriend think you shouldn't have given your opinion?

Keep talking to your sons OP. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong IMO.