AIBU to think sons discussing relationship problems with mums is different?

As the relative of two men, in different generations, who took their own lives rather than speak about their troubles, I would never stop my sons speaking to me about anything.

Personally I'm not sure it's that different for men and women. Maybe you see it more from women if you're mainly on women's forums like Mumsnet?

Flaming a partner for just talking to their mum sounds abusive to be honest. That said, a lot of people hate if their partner's parents become overly involved. People don't generally want to pick their kids' school or their new home based on MIL's opinion, for example.

Sorry but you're being sexist. Should a man not cry? Should he not change his kid's nappies? If we believe in equality, we don't have double standards.
I would have hesitated before marrying a man who didn't have a good relationship with his mum-or if it seemed she didn't want one with me. I know that's unfair, as it wouldn't be his fault, but the saying about watch how a man treats his mum is one of the most important things. And I will warn my kids that a partner who doesn't want a close relationship with their friends/family shouldn't be long-term.
Dumped one ex because he treated his mum like a maid!

I think depends on how the mother views things- is she able to be objective? Or is she backing up the son even if he’s in the wrong.
my MIL is able to give advice that not necessarily benefits her sons. My mother’s mother in law on the other hand was encouraging her some to be horrible to his wife. I think the issue is with the latter.

I don't talk to my mum about my relationship dramas (not that it's very dramatic but still) I talk to him about it and we work it out, like grown ups.

I think what it comes down to is the discretion of the person you are confiding in rather than if it's a son or a daughter.

I think you need to stop living your life through social media!! Don’t worry what others are doing and just concentrate or your own family. You’re getting by a very unrepresentative sample on social media, nobody posts about chatting to their mum about relationships in a happy way, or how wonder their mother/mother in law/father/father in law is on a regular basis as everything is fine and they don’t need help with it.

Social media isn’t real life, or even a representation of real life.

This.

I can’t think of anything worse.

I get what you are exploring completely OP.

I'm a mum of DD and DS and would like both to come to me with any issues, relationship or otherwise.

On the flip side, I'd hate my DH speaking to his mum. Not sure why, I'd find it intrusive. I'm trying to think back to when I met and also think I wouldn't have liked it when we were a new couple.

Weird that I have double standards 🤷‍♂️ and my MIL is lovely, we get on great.

What are the minor things?

I think you’re right OP. As the mother of 2 (still young) boys I hope that we’ll have a close relationship as they get older and they could ask me for advice.

However with the shoe on the other foot, I would not have been happy at all if DH discussed relationship problems with my (late) MIL… it would feel disloyal somehow. But that may have been something to do with personalities.. she would have used it as ammunition. I suppose if you are tactful and don’t let it alter your relationship with DILs then it would be okay.

I think it is more expected that young women might talk about things with their sisters and mums. However I do have a male relative that isn’t happy that his GF tells her mum everything.

So maybe everyone is happy to be the listener and no-one wants their relationship talked about 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think the OP is being sexist. I thinks she's trying to navigate a culture of sexism where mothers of boys have been stereotyped as doting interfering busy bodies intent on usurping their DiL. Which tbf, if she's on MN a lot, she will have been extensively exposed to.
There is a marked difference between the attitudes shown on here to women's relationships with their mums and men's. No one bats an eye at a close mother daughter relationship, but a close mother and son one is seen with suspicion, with the mother painted in a poor light. I've seen people say that a son and mother having dinner together is 'icky' and 'like a date' and similar, many times.
OP clearly has clearly internalised this and is overcompensating.

I think the issue is that as their mum you're an authority figure in their lives. It's still in our culture that to an extent we are deferrant to our PILs- until they overstep obnoxiously.

Going to you to complain about her feels a bit like telling tales to the teacher. It's different to talking to a peer.

But also, it's what you talk about.

If DH told his friends I load the dishwasher wrong and proceeded to discuss to correct way to load a dishwasher, I wouldn't be in the least bit bothered. Light-hearted things that couples have non-serious squabbles about. I wouldn't hesitate to tell my mum that he recently put a red towel in with my daughter's school shirts and dyed them all pink.

If he shared he was unhappy with key aspects of our relationship, like for example if he said the division of labour was unfair and he was sick of being the only one to do the laundry and unload the dishwasher, instead of discussing the chores we were both responsible for and coming to a compromise with me, I'd be really hurt and feel like I'd been stabbed in the back.

Gosh, my DSs have talked to me about their relationships. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. I’m glad I was there for them.

@Kippergodzillar i read your update where they all live in your home and that makes things tricky- I suppose they want to feel like adults while they aren’t able to truly be so (by not moving out). So even a minor opinion of yours to the gf would be magnified. It’s also hard to have boundaries as everyone is in the same (your) home and they have to be considerate of you.

I see what you mean OP. Quite a few posters here have said they'd have an issue with their partner talking about relationship issues with their mum.

I am in the clan of thinking that it is very controlling to impose who your partner can talk or not talk about their psychological or emotional issues with.

Posters have said issues should be dealt within the relationship but sometimes it really helps to have a third party's perspective and to go to someone you trust to do so.

Now some mothers will show to be biased by principle or affection. If that's the case and the partner only goes by what their mother say, the issue is with them. On the same length, a partner who is overly concerned with their partner's discussing thing with others might be concerned that it will come to light that they are acting unreasonable.

My son comes to me for advice about everything. Work, friendship, relationship. I don't tell him anything, I ask for his perspective and if he asks mine, I tell him. It often involves pointing out what he could also do differently.

I don't agree at all. You're supposed to be a team with your spouse. Telling your mum all the private business in the relationship is disloyal.

It is perfectly okay to be their safe space. To advise them if they’re confused. My Dbro was close to my mother, DH is close to his, he could definitely confide in her.

DS talks to me about his problems, including relationships. He doesn’t talk to DH, unless it’s about work. We all work in the same job, but DH is more senior and experienced than me, due to my caring responsibilities.

DDIL knows and doesn’t appear to mind. She talks to me about her problems too, including her relationship with DS, because she is from abroad and has no family in this country.

I try to see things from both sides.

My sons have always talked to me about their relationships. I want them to have happy, healthy relationships with boundaries, something they never saw from witnessing their dad’s abuse of me.
I have supported them, but also had to give some tough love when needed

why on earth is the MIL going to ‘interfere’??

don’t do that please. When DS1 split with his girlfriend she threatened him, stalked him, broke in to his uni halls, warned other girls off him
he was suicidal, girls can abuse
on the flip side my DS2 was showing worrying signs of obsession and control of a girl who left him, he said ‘it worked for his dad with me ‘ 😭😭
I supported her, told him you can’t force love, did an online course with him targeted at this behaviour. He was self harming and lost all his friends, it was horrific. At 22 his life is amazing, he has a lovely, respectful, proportionate relationship with a girl I love

Men don’t tend to talk about relationship problems with anyone unless things are very bad. I’d try and keep your nose out tbh, I couldn’t think of anything worse than talking to my mum about problems with my partner. If she started prying I wouldn’t be impressed.