AIBU to think sons discussing relationship problems with mums is different?

I think everyone needs a trusted person to talk to regardless of their sex. Part of the trust though, is pretending you don't know anything you've been told in the company of their partner and not interfering. This goes for friends, swings, parents, whatever.

This is so true, it’s awareness and delivery lol

Due to competitiveness. A woman talking to her mother, taking her advice and being close to her is not going to stop her husband thinking he is the most important man in her life. When a son does this with his mum, his wife may feel her position is diluted or threatened.
A daughter who asked her dad's advice on things may annoy her husband for the same reason.
We struggle to get past our sex.

Me and my brothers partners managed to have a completely different experience of our Mum, despite her treating them exactly the same. And it was entirely down to me and my brother.

I'd ask my Mum for advice, then go away and consider that advice, decide for myself whether it was good advice, and then present my thinking to DP as my own.

My brother on the other hand, would ask Mum for advice, and then go back to his wife and say "Mum says we need to do this...."

As a result, to SIL, my Mum was an interfering busy body, whereas to my DP, she was a lovely laid back woman who she got on famously with.

This rather mystified DP and SIL, how they could find her so different, until one day I caught my brother in the act. We'd both been thinking of getting a new car, and chatting to my Mum about it. She suggested buying one a year old rather than brand new, as it wouldn't depreciate as fast. I filed it away that it was probably a good point, and to do some googling later. The four of us were in the pub sans Mum and my brother out of nowhere comes out with "Mum says we have to buy an old car rather than a new one"

I'm like "Whoa there a minute" and pull him up on it, explain to SIL that we'd been chatting about it and that my Mum had been making a suggestion, rather than an actual decree.

SIL and Mum had a chat, my brother got a bollocking from all sides, and my Mum and SILs relationship was much more cordial after that.

Firstly stop going to AI for advice on life. You’re a human and AI is not. Humanity can’t be learned from a machine.

Secondly, of course your sons should be able to talk to you. You’re not wrong that there is amongst (some) men a huge and growing problem. But the way that is fixed or avoided is not by drawing up lines and rules for communication. Perhaps if more sons spoke to their mothers and their fathers about things they would discover things and there would be far less of a problem in an increasingly divided society. Talk to your sons, please!

Give your sons advice if they ask for it. But don’t interfere OP.

As he asked for your opinion you were reasonable to give it, sorry I assumed that you butted in without being asked. Does his girlfriend think you shouldn't have given your opinion?

Keep talking to your sons OP. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong IMO.

I was the same and thought it’d no different between my son and daughter, I thought all I had to be was nice and not my mil and everything would be ok but I’m experiencing similar and I feel like I could say what I think to my daughter and she’d take it well and not affect our relationship but either way my son I feel it’s different and I could push him away by voicing my opinion to him. And the only reason I have an opinion is similar to you, he has lost contact with all his friends, he seems not to be able to go anywhere or do anything without her. If it was happening to a girl I think everyone would be concerned but when it’s a boy it’s as if we should but out and he’s old enough to speak for himself. I’m a total feminist and brought them up the same but really struggling with the mil dynamic tbh

It should be the same but it isn’t and that comes from woman. Woman also talk about sexual experiences with friends but would be raging if their husbands did this. As soon as a son is spending time with their mum or speaking to her you alway read on here how they’re running back to mummy and needing mummy and yet it seems to be a great thing if a daughter is best friends either her mum

@Kippergodzillar Yes, that GF sounds controlling, your DS should be able to see his mates without her having a hissy fit. I hope she doesn't live with you, he needs space from her.

Your DS's girlfriend sounds like a bit of a nightmare here! Is she living with you or just spending a lot of time with you?

To me it sounds like less of a "not interfering in my son's relationship" issue and more of a "young people not respecting my home" issue.

Except the one about her crying when your son was going out - that's between them and not for you to interfere.

It’s not a thing. I’ve seen men online berating their girlfriends and wives for doing the same thing.

Men need to talk to someone about issues in a relationship, why wouldn’t it be their mum?

The only thing mums need to be aware of is, don’t let his issues affect your relationship with the partner, unless they are seriously threatening to your son. My nephew is going through a difficult time and I struggle to watch my sister be quite one sided in her view of his partner. I recognise some of his behaviours from my own relationships in the past and he is not at all blameless with their problems.

I have three adult sons. We are close and they occasionally talk to me about relationship issues. I see my role mainly as support and a listening ear, but I'll advise if I'm asked. I make sure that I keep my counsel and don't repeat anything they tell me. It hasn't caused issues so far. I'll always support my boys, but if they're being twats and behaving badly I'd tell them for sure, and they know that.

I believe it makes no difference. I know I do a very good job with 21 yr old ds. I do a much better job than when ds visits his dad and discusses relationships. Had his dad bothered to be close to ds he would have gone to him more often (he favors his youngest by another woman).

This is an interesting thread as I never spoke to my late Mum about my relationships and I don't with my Dad either. Same for DH all his life as far as I'm aware, his parents certainly don't know anything about our relationship, and we've been together for over 25 years.

DD (21) has shared a few minor things about her current bf of a year with me, DS (17) has only had a couple of casual girlfriends so far - he did tell me some things, but not much.

I think we mainly talk to close friends instead. I don't really know why as we're close, it's just that parents and relationships don't mix for us.

If my husband started telling his mother about our arguments, there would quickly be none as I wouldn’t tell him anything anymore. But both of our mothers are narcs and get told nothing.

My mum wouldn't agree because my brother's and sisters all of us knew we could talk to mum and dad about everything and not be judged at all..Same as we all married adults now we will still go to each other and parents say this happened what's do you think etc or have a moan haha but my parents are good at listening, not taking sides and actually quite often we see that the way we think doesn't necessarily mean it's the right one to make our marriage better.. sometimes it's us that may have a problem and didn't see it etc

None of these things are unreasonable. They’re disrespectful to your home, it’s not a hang out hub, he can carry on with any girl he likes this when he moves out.
The relationship isn’t healthy.
Do not back down. I would not have them
lying in bed, leaving a mess, freeloading in your home, GF having a strop. While they’re under your roof, feel free to tell him this is unhealthy.

When a couple is married, both should try using a friend when the problem arises with their DH/DW, Parents and in-laws need to keep out of a marriage unless it is a dangerous or an unfair situation but not tit for tat issues.

No it is a double standard why do men have to hide their feelings?

But no surprises thia place is full of double standards