DH wants to abort, I don’t

OP, I hear you. I can tell you from experience that the feeling of ‘I want my baby back’ is so very deeply painful, and also very normal. You’d run bare foot in your nightie to get him/her. I know. I get it and my heart hurts for you.

it might help to remind yourself. It’s hormones. It’s your physiology designed for survival of the species. And it will pass. The other thoughts you are having are also to be expected and it’s your brain adding a layer of meaning to the raw emotions that you are being flooded with.

It’s so so painful. But this intense pain won’t last forever. There will always be that loss there but it will get easier.

You both made this decision for your children. For the future you want for them. For the parents you want to be for them. It was a decision made carefully. It wasn’t a careless decision. You made the best decision you could with the knowledge, circumstances and life you have.

Try really hard to talk to yourself kindly. You deserve to be treated kindly. You have been through a horrible thing in a really traumatic way.

Im glad you have counselling. I’m glad your DH is being open. its so painful but you will both come through it. Give it time. Especially for you, your hormones will take a while to settle, yet alone the processing.

So sorry you have had such an horrendous experience - I hope you and your husband can heal quickly. Counselling sounds an excellent idea.
Wishing you both well 🥰

I’m so sorry last night was hard for both of you. The emotions you both have are normal under the circumstances

you are allowed to grieve and feel a loss but you also had a ‘list’ and deep down you have done the right thing for your family and 2 children

you thought long and hard and it wasn’t an easy decision

dh also sounds under a lot of pressure to provide for his family. Everything has gone up price wise and it’s hard affording it all

I’m glad you have counselling and hopefully dh can get the same

take things easy. Look after yourself 💓

Hi @ccd90 I am so sorry your abortion was like that. It sounds truly awful.

It sounds like you and your DH have good communication. Keep talking and listening to each other.

Please keep looking at your list and thinking of your 2DC.
With your previous MH issues and financial pressures I still think you have made the right difficult decision for your family.

Counselling sounds like a very good idea.

At some point in the future, I hope you are able to give constructive feedback to the abortion clinic. There needs to be lessons learned from your horrible experience

@OtterlyAstounding

are you missing the bit about OP having a coil fitted?? Most people don’t use additional contraception when there is a coil. Vilifying her husband is inaccurate.

Will you give it a rest now? You've made your point and I don't think making this into some battle of the sexes thing is at all helpful to the OP.

Do you feel your contributions are helping or supporting the very clearly distressed OP right now? I think they're likely actively adding to her distress personally.

It's not about a 'battle of the sexes'. Like any woman whose husband has fucked her over who posts on Mumsnet, it's about OP being aware and mindful that her husband has not centred her well-being in his actions, and has thrown up major red flags, so to be cautious going forward.

But yes, that's all there is to say, so I'll zip it.

@OtterlyAstounding

He hasn’t fucked her over though. Are you quite ok?

Shame on you. To read so many comments in a row pointing out your rage towards her husband seemed likely to cause unnecessary upset and to come back with one last oh so superior swipe, that the OP will be collateral damage in. Horrible behaviour.

I know, she’s starting to sound a bit deranged.

@OtterlyAstounding
It sounds from the last couple of posts from OP that her DH is hyper aware of her past MH and doesn't want her to go through anything like that again.

I pointed this out very early on in the thread.

He sounds like a supportive, empathetic DH who can see the bigger picture and impact it could have on their lives, especially his wife

@OtterlyAstounding - just shut up will you?

You are projecting massively.

From OP's own posts:
DH is struggling hard emotionally along with OP

They have strong communication and are leaning on each other. He is gutted for the trauma OP endured physically. The emotional trauma is shared.
He didn't want a baby for genuine and sensible reasons - ALL of which were rooted in the best interests of OP and his existing DC
He did delay having a vasectomy, but in the meantime, he had sex with his wife who had a coil fitted

OP needs kindness and support, not some random on the internet making her now call her relationship into question. I have been on MN for over 20 years, have read a thousand posts where I can't believe OP is not seeing the red flags and this is not one of them.

Sorry to derail OP.

Hope you managed to get some sleep last night OP, and are feeling a tiny bit better today x

Very well said. It's so toxic how some people will shoehorn their agenda into any situation, no matter how appropriate or not it is.

well said

@ccd90 glad you are talking to and supporting each other. So sorry for what you have through but you are taking the right steps forward with counselling for you and couples counselling for you both. Take care of each other and your beautiful children. Much love 💓

@Mumsnet if there was ever a thread that highlights all that is wrong with this forum, this is it. Posters not even bothering to read OPs updates before replying adding more upset. In addition this thread should be better moderated. OP has been through a very traumatic experience and has poured her heart out. Yet some replies are insensitive and down right cruel. You should and must do better.

The first two weeks after my abortion were the hardest for me. I felt gutted and devastated and cried all the time wanting my baby back too. After about two weeks I think my hormones started to normalize, and while I still want alright, my grief felt a lot more bearable. Time was the only thing that helped. I also wrote a letter to the baby, bought a flower bush and planted it in the yard with the letter. As devastating as it was (and the months leading up to the due date were hard), two years on I look at my beautiful family and I know it was the right decision.

OP....that's the best we can manage in the UK?

It's appalling, so sorry you had to go through this.

You’ve obviously been careless in reading the OP comments. H is hurting too.
Your comments will not help OP at this very distressing time.
Perhaps counselling will help you understand that not all men are mad, bad and dangerous to know, sadly I doubt it.

I have read all of OP's comments carefully, and I hope that she gets through this to a happier place very soon. She's made a very valid decision, as I've said, with many positives. Hopefully, soon she'll look back and feel that she made the best choice for her family.

But I do think it's wise to be mindful of how a man behaves towards you when things go wrong and you're vulnerable, and whether or not he shoulders responsibility. That's all. Couples' counselling sounds like a very good idea. But as pp have said repeatedly, I don't want to derail this when OP is hurting, so I won't be commenting again. Apologies.

You should be downright ashamed of yourself. Absolutely horrible, cruel and downright thoughtless right down to this one. Responding to such strong admonishment about it with 'Sorry but but but' is a joke.

@ccd90 I'm so very sorry for everything you've been through. I hope you are being taken care of and you both consider counselling in time. I'm sorry if the replies on this thread have not helped, unfortunately some people feel the need to use others as a way of pushing their own agenda even if its of no help to a poster clearly in need.

Much love to all of you and I hope the future is brighter xx