Page 18 | DH wants to abort, I don’t

ccd90 · 2026-09-08T13:39:19+00:00

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing. We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1. Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed. I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job. It’s impossible to talk to him right now. I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart. I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for). I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

ChampagneProblemsTS · 09/09/2026 15:27

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Disgraceful.

worldshottestmom · 09/09/2026 15:46

ChampagneProblemsTS · 09/09/2026 15:27

Disgraceful.

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I aim to be when dealing with people like that. Guessing you don't know her history. Ah well

ThreadGuardDog · 09/09/2026 15:55

worldshottestmom · 09/09/2026 15:46

I aim to be when dealing with people like that. Guessing you don't know her history. Ah well

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Describing DH’s actions as coercive control is batshit and you know it. How exactly do you think your awful comments have helped OP ?

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/09/2026 16:00

ThreadGuardDog · 09/09/2026 10:06

She has a coil, so a fair expectation that she wouldn’t get pregnant even if he didn’t have the vasectomy. At this point I’m wondering how the thread would have gone if OP hadn’t mentioned the vasectomy situation because so many posters are acting as if it’s the only form of contraception.

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For me its because if he was 100% sure that he didnt want any more kids then he could have made sure by having the vasectomy. He didn't and now expects @ccd90 to go through a medical procedure to end the pregnancy when she doesnt want to. That he is being an arse to her when he had the means to prevent this right there, he had the forms in the house for crying out loud, show he is a selfish arsehole.

DeliciousCreamTea · 09/09/2026 16:54

It's a very hard decision and I feel for you OP.

However, my opinion FWIW is that you and your H were not planning to have a 3rd child. That is the 'default setting' here.
It was an accident, rather than a choice.

You need to bear in mind that your hormones are 'talking' at the moment and telling you to have this baby.

Yes, it's your body- but for 9 months.
After those 9 months, the child is in your life and your husband's, for ever.
And he does have the right to an opinion on that even though he is not carrying a baby for 9 months.

The reality is that he is right in so much as this will be a huge financial stretch - and an emotional one too.
He probably feels he hasn't the emotional bandwidth to cope with another child.
He didn't want a 3rd child- and neither did you- it's an accident.

Ask yourself- if this accidental conception had not happened, would you be trying to conceive?

And the reality of 3 children on your own- how would you look after them physically, emotionally and financially when you are not well now with two?
How would you support them ?
Are you willing to put the younger child two children, or even the 3rd child too, into nursery so you can go back to work?

These are the hard realities.

Gettingbysomehow · 09/09/2026 16:57

worldshottestmom · 09/09/2026 13:27

Hes threatening to close your JOINT business as a means of control to force you into a fucking abortion? And you haven't divorced him already, why? Leave that fucking prick and honestly report him to police for coercion and control. Disgusting.

Dont be so absurd. He knows he'd have to shut the business to be able to afford this 3rd child. Is she going to run it on her own with three kids under 5?
What will happen is she'll be a single mother on benefits for years with PND and three kids.
How on earth do you figure this should be reported to the police what rubbish.
He is the only one thinking about how these kids are going to be supported. He knows he needs to get a better paid job.
The police wont do anything. He hasnt committed a crime.

DeliciousCreamTea · 09/09/2026 16:57

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/09/2026 16:00

For me its because if he was 100% sure that he didnt want any more kids then he could have made sure by having the vasectomy. He didn't and now expects @ccd90 to go through a medical procedure to end the pregnancy when she doesnt want to. That he is being an arse to her when he had the means to prevent this right there, he had the forms in the house for crying out loud, show he is a selfish arsehole.

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I think this is unfair. There is a failure rate for vasectomy. It's not far off the failure rate for the coil (both are over 99% effective but nothing is 100%.)

The point is neither he nor his wife wanted a 3rd child.
It was an accident.

IMO that is the most important factor- neither wanted another child.

ChampagneProblemsTS · 09/09/2026 16:59

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/09/2026 16:00

For me its because if he was 100% sure that he didnt want any more kids then he could have made sure by having the vasectomy. He didn't and now expects @ccd90 to go through a medical procedure to end the pregnancy when she doesnt want to. That he is being an arse to her when he had the means to prevent this right there, he had the forms in the house for crying out loud, show he is a selfish arsehole.

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But there's not much difference between the coil and the snip in terms of reliability
This pregnancy is an accident.
I don't see what's to gain by continually trying to vilify the DH

ChampagneProblemsTS · 09/09/2026 17:00

Sorry @DeliciousCreamTea I didn't see your post and have effectively copied you!

neilyoungismyhero · 09/09/2026 17:05

I agree with @velomumhackney. Your husband is getting a pasting here but he obviously feels the business won't sustain another child, coupled with your ongoing PND which you're still in the throes of it would seem. It must be very stressful for him. You're now emotionally attached to the baby- difficult all round but he's not being hateful he has a point.

Original poster

ccd90 · 09/09/2026 17:23

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you to everyone.

I’ve spent the whole night awake, I even made a list of positives and negatives.

There was one thing on my pro list which was “a new baby” but there was 11 things on my negative list including having to buy a new car and the strain on my mental health.

I have decided that yesterday was a fleeting feeling of seeing a scan and immediately reverting back to how I felt with DD & DS, they were planned and longed for. As cruel as it sounds, there is a reason I had the coil, we didn’t want another child.

My DH does bear the financial burden and it is a strain running a business and supporting a family. He isn’t the man so many people have suggested he is, he’s not cruel to me or controlling. He is as panicked about this as I am.

I’ve decided what it comes down to is the long term, I want to be the healthiest I can be for my children who are here because they deserve that. I also want a marriage that isn’t strained to the point of no return so I am going ahead tomorrow.

DH dropped the forms off at the drs at lunch and has an appointment for the end of the month for a vasectomy.

Thank you again and it has really helped me.

OP posts:

ManyATrueWord · 09/09/2026 17:40

Well done. It's never a choice to be made lightly. Sounds like you know the right choice for you, and that is all that matters.

Specialneedsnightmare · 09/09/2026 17:43

Very tough decision op but it sounds like the best and wisest one for all of you. You will be in my thoughts tomorrow. All the best.

BruFord · 09/09/2026 17:46

All the best @ccd90

Ifeelold48 · 09/09/2026 17:55

ccd90 · 09/09/2026 17:23

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you to everyone.

I’ve spent the whole night awake, I even made a list of positives and negatives.

There was one thing on my pro list which was “a new baby” but there was 11 things on my negative list including having to buy a new car and the strain on my mental health.

I have decided that yesterday was a fleeting feeling of seeing a scan and immediately reverting back to how I felt with DD & DS, they were planned and longed for. As cruel as it sounds, there is a reason I had the coil, we didn’t want another child.

My DH does bear the financial burden and it is a strain running a business and supporting a family. He isn’t the man so many people have suggested he is, he’s not cruel to me or controlling. He is as panicked about this as I am.

I’ve decided what it comes down to is the long term, I want to be the healthiest I can be for my children who are here because they deserve that. I also want a marriage that isn’t strained to the point of no return so I am going ahead tomorrow.

DH dropped the forms off at the drs at lunch and has an appointment for the end of the month for a vasectomy.

Thank you again and it has really helped me.

Edited

Its a hard decision. You need to do what you feel is best. I think you might benefit from councelling pre and post abortion.

JeanSimmons · 09/09/2026 18:01

ccd90 · 09/09/2026 17:23

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you to everyone.

I’ve spent the whole night awake, I even made a list of positives and negatives.

There was one thing on my pro list which was “a new baby” but there was 11 things on my negative list including having to buy a new car and the strain on my mental health.

I have decided that yesterday was a fleeting feeling of seeing a scan and immediately reverting back to how I felt with DD & DS, they were planned and longed for. As cruel as it sounds, there is a reason I had the coil, we didn’t want another child.

My DH does bear the financial burden and it is a strain running a business and supporting a family. He isn’t the man so many people have suggested he is, he’s not cruel to me or controlling. He is as panicked about this as I am.

I’ve decided what it comes down to is the long term, I want to be the healthiest I can be for my children who are here because they deserve that. I also want a marriage that isn’t strained to the point of no return so I am going ahead tomorrow.

DH dropped the forms off at the drs at lunch and has an appointment for the end of the month for a vasectomy.

Thank you again and it has really helped me.

Edited

That is wonderful news and I'm so glad that you've come to that decision. It's the best one for you and for your family, but you had to come to it of your own accord.

feministmom4ever · 09/09/2026 18:01

ccd90 · 09/09/2026 17:23

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you to everyone.

I’ve spent the whole night awake, I even made a list of positives and negatives.

There was one thing on my pro list which was “a new baby” but there was 11 things on my negative list including having to buy a new car and the strain on my mental health.

I have decided that yesterday was a fleeting feeling of seeing a scan and immediately reverting back to how I felt with DD & DS, they were planned and longed for. As cruel as it sounds, there is a reason I had the coil, we didn’t want another child.

My DH does bear the financial burden and it is a strain running a business and supporting a family. He isn’t the man so many people have suggested he is, he’s not cruel to me or controlling. He is as panicked about this as I am.

I’ve decided what it comes down to is the long term, I want to be the healthiest I can be for my children who are here because they deserve that. I also want a marriage that isn’t strained to the point of no return so I am going ahead tomorrow.

DH dropped the forms off at the drs at lunch and has an appointment for the end of the month for a vasectomy.

Thank you again and it has really helped me.

Edited

I was in a very similar situation (two kids, not working, husband was the breadwinner, poor mental health, and an unplanned pregnancy) and made the difficult decision to terminate. As sad as I was about it, and I still feel sad sometimes, it was the right choice for our family. If you’d like to talk feel free to DM me.

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 09/09/2026 18:11

Great to hear you're both in accord. I second a pp in that counselling sessions would be a good idea.

KidsDoBetter · 09/09/2026 18:20

Glad you could come to a decision and that works for you both. Prioritising the lovely children you have now and your own mental health seems very wise to me but if course it’s always your own decision. Be gentle with yourself and each other as you go through this. Thinking of you

ChampagneProblemsTS · 09/09/2026 18:41

Can't imagine the stress and rollercoaster of emotions you've been through OP, I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can do and your DH looks after you. Xx

Cherrytree86 · 09/09/2026 19:29

Gettingbysomehow · 09/09/2026 16:57

Dont be so absurd. He knows he'd have to shut the business to be able to afford this 3rd child. Is she going to run it on her own with three kids under 5?
What will happen is she'll be a single mother on benefits for years with PND and three kids.
How on earth do you figure this should be reported to the police what rubbish.
He is the only one thinking about how these kids are going to be supported. He knows he needs to get a better paid job.
The police wont do anything. He hasnt committed a crime.

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@worldshottestmom

he hasn’t committed a crime. This is not a police matter

Spaniels4Eva · 09/09/2026 19:33

I'm glad you've found a way forward OP. I hope it goes well for you, and go easy on yourself for the next few weeks

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 09/09/2026 19:41

ccd90 · 09/09/2026 17:23

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you to everyone.

I’ve spent the whole night awake, I even made a list of positives and negatives.

There was one thing on my pro list which was “a new baby” but there was 11 things on my negative list including having to buy a new car and the strain on my mental health.

I have decided that yesterday was a fleeting feeling of seeing a scan and immediately reverting back to how I felt with DD & DS, they were planned and longed for. As cruel as it sounds, there is a reason I had the coil, we didn’t want another child.

My DH does bear the financial burden and it is a strain running a business and supporting a family. He isn’t the man so many people have suggested he is, he’s not cruel to me or controlling. He is as panicked about this as I am.

I’ve decided what it comes down to is the long term, I want to be the healthiest I can be for my children who are here because they deserve that. I also want a marriage that isn’t strained to the point of no return so I am going ahead tomorrow.

DH dropped the forms off at the drs at lunch and has an appointment for the end of the month for a vasectomy.

Thank you again and it has really helped me.

Edited

Well done on making a brave and considered decision and one that prioritises your children/family unit and your own mental health. It's still OK to acknowledge and grieve for the unwanted baby that then became wanted - wishing you well

Ponderingwindow · 09/09/2026 19:43

I’m glad to see that you are working through this decision and your husband is being proactive.

ThreadGuardDog · 09/09/2026 20:02

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/09/2026 16:00

For me its because if he was 100% sure that he didnt want any more kids then he could have made sure by having the vasectomy. He didn't and now expects @ccd90 to go through a medical procedure to end the pregnancy when she doesnt want to. That he is being an arse to her when he had the means to prevent this right there, he had the forms in the house for crying out loud, show he is a selfish arsehole.

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If he had put the forms in when he intended he would still have had to wait for an appointment for the procedure. Then they would still have had to use contraception for at least the first three months to ensure that no live sperm are left. So, no. He isn’t an arse. And he didn’t have the means to prevent this unless both he and OP didn’t intend to have sex for at least three months, and that doesn’t seem to be the case. So your assertion that he’s a selfish arsehole doesn’t stand up - not least because he’s the one who would have had to support the whole family had OP gone ahead with the pregnancy, and clearly he knew the business wouldn’t support them all. MN really does lose it’s collective mind sometimes.