DH wants to abort, I don’t

That’s so sensible. I’m so pleased you said that. I think this is so unfair on both the two existing children and the people who will be stretched to the limit to provide support.

I don’t think we should just accept that he might opt out of parenting and see that as an ok choice, if that’s what you are saying.

HE also had sex knowing that he hadn’t had the vasectomy he said he would. It’s not her fault that the contraception failed. So why should she accept the full burden of childcare if they go ahead with having the baby?

There are two people that made a choice to have sex.

One ‘forgot’ to get the procedure that would mean the risks if an unplanned pregnancy were low. One thought the contraceptive used would work, in good faith.

Life got in the way and the contraceptive failed - just a bit of bad luck.

Two people now have a decision to make.

For one, the stakes are very high. Whatever the choice it has huge repercussions on their mental and physical health and wellbeing.

For the other - termination will not have much impact. Having another child means more pressure financially.

Practically they will both have more to do in terms of family life if they have the third.

So they both should have choice but in a 50/50 situation, the person who will bear the highest costs from the decision should get the final say and the partner should be 100% supportive of this. Because they BOTH made the decision to have sex and one risk to that is an unplanned pregnancy.

So whilst she may well end up a single parent, he would absolutely be in the wrong for creating that situation for her.

But also will he stay if he doesn't want a baby? I get that people are right saying she needs to do what is best (and it seems to be swaying to keep the baby) but there is then nothing to stop him from following his heart of not wanting another child and just leaving. We see countless posts on MN of men who aren't present. So either way, while she might not want to be a single mum to 2 or 3 children the chances are that is how she will end up.

Also she has says she has inheritance and savings. This could impact any split as well (will he want half? Even if he doesn't this would need to be spent before she can claim benefits).

It is a sorry situation for all. Especially the child.

Never, ever agree to an an abortion due to pressure. You would be the one left with the regret always wondering. You are the one carrying this baby. Not him. He could easily have a vasectomy if he was so against having another child. No doubt he will come out with all sorts such as having to close the business etc all in an attempt to put pressure on you and to also try and guilt you into going ahead with one. My ex tried to place pressure on me to have an abortion. I refused and told him exactly what I thought of him for suggesting one. You need to do what is right for you but without your husband whispering all kinds into your ear. Even people who decide to have an abortion can end up with regrets afterwards (even if they felt the decision was right for them at that particular point in time) so it is something to be aware of. If you end up being pressured into having an abortion then I suspect it would only serve to cause enormous issues. I suspect you would likely struggle with one due to the way you are currently feeling. Wishing you all the best and hope things turn out well for you

I do agree that the impact on the two children should be taken into account, however, a termination (especially a coerced termination) could have a massive impact on the OPs mental health meaning that she has even more of a challenge as a mother. The resentment towards him may end the marriage anyway. So there isn’t a clear best step forward in terms of the children here. I don’t think it’s that simple.

They need to work as a team and I haven’t read anything that makes me feel reassured that he’s taking her and the children’s needs into account here. Yet.

I had to make this decision years ago as a single mum. Have another baby with a very flaky boyfriend who wouldnt stick around and ruin my existing childs life, not be able to afford another child, pay my mortgage or manage childcare costs for another child. I would have had to give up work.
I had the abortion and never regretted it. Our lives would have fallen apart if Id had this baby.

For what it’s worth we had an accidental third pregnancy and my husband wasn’t thrilled the first 24 hours but then he came round and now he’s in love with our baby and says she’s completed us. However I’m a SAHM to 3 under 5 now and it is hard!

No advice but just sending you hugs as there’s no easy option. ❤️

Right, to reply to everyone - ok, I was wrong about abortion not being an easy decision even if its definitely wanted or needed and never regretted. Seems like my personal experience is not reflective of majority on here

However, everyone (I hope) would agree that having an abortion when you want the baby is not something that anyone should go through.

He absolutely doesn’t get to opt out of parenting, but he might want to opt out of staying in a relationship. We all know the reality is that it’s much easier for men to bail out.

And again, where is he threatening ? He’s saying he will close down the business and get a job if OP goes ahead with the pregnancy. It may be that he knows the business won’t support another child, or he feels as though he can’t cope being the only earner. There’s a difference between threatening consequences and stating his position.

She has a coil, so a fair expectation that she wouldn’t get pregnant even if he didn’t have the vasectomy. At this point I’m wondering how the thread would have gone if OP hadn’t mentioned the vasectomy situation because so many posters are acting as if it’s the only form of contraception.

OP I get that your partner's reaction wasn't what you'd have hoped for but it's better that he is honest about how he feels about this than if he puts on an act of fake positivity that he can't keep up. I wouldn't necessarily interpret him considering closing the business as coercion either. He may be thinking about what this family unit can cope with and how to reduce his stress levels to better support you.

How has he found supporting you through a long term mental illness? Does your family have any other support? You need to have a real discussion about how this third pregnancy can be managed.

So your position is that when two people want to have sex, despite using a reliable form of birth control, they shouldn’t do so unless the man has had a vasectomy first ? Just to make absolutely sure ? Seems to me that both OP and her DH knew that their financial position wouldn’t support a third child before they had the sex that resulted in conception so they are equally responsible in finding a solution that suits both of them.

OP is making a lot of assumptions about how she will feel if she goes ahead with a termination, but how her DH will feel if she goes ahead with the pregnancy isn’t an assumption - he already knows they will struggle to support a third child financially and that the burden will be on him. Where is he wrong ?

Sorry but I just want to confirm that this is certainly not the case for everyone , from both my own experience and those I have met through PND support groups. But it did very much worry my husband when we got pregnant second time round, so I do understand where the OP’s husband is coming from, my husband likewise felt a huge strain at the demands put on him as I couldn’t return to work or look after the children as well as I’d hoped to.The NHS can be pretty rubbish at supporting women but there are treatments and other support that will help ….so second time round was still a bad time but nowhere near as bad as the first time , because we had an action plan and I went on meds straight away. Whether or not I would have continued with an unplanned pregnancy with a partner who doesn’t want the baby , is an entirely different scenario to a planned and much wanted baby and that’s a very important thing for the OP to consider - but that’s for the OP and her husband to work through, though advisably with the help of a trained counsellor. Which ever way someone goes with an unplanned pregnancy decision , it can cause emotional distress so that’s a very personal choice.

Leaving husband and relying on us, the taxpayers, as a non-working mother of 3 toddlers should not be a solution to anything in the real world, just because 'she should do whatever she wants'. It's time for the people to start taking responsibility for their own lives, lives of their children and their own choices.

posted on wrong thread, edited to remove

Who said anything about relying on the tax payer ? It’s other posters who are suggesting that OP leave her husband, not OP herself.

@ForKookyGuide that's really good to hear. I am glad it worked out for you

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned by any others.

But I went through an abortion that my heart was saying not to go through with but my head was.

Some will say listen to your heart, but I listened to my head because of my existing, living and breathing children.

I ultimately decided that the strain another small baby would put on me as their mother and the knock on effect this would have on them was not worth it.

Yes it was very difficult to go through with, and yes I felt guilt and heartbreak. But I could counter act those feelings knowing I was doing the best thing for my children.

This was some 10 years ago now, and I still think about it from time to time but I know I made the right decision for my DC. I was a single Mum, and I didn't have the pressure of a partner on my decision though I must add.

It is extremely difficult and I offer big hugs. I just wanted to share my experience in case that offered a differing point of view

If you don't want to lose him then the abortion is the best choice.

Then he should have had a vasectomy.

I’m not sure what area you live in, but where I live there is reproductive choices MSI and that’s who I’m booked in with and you can arrange to speak to a free counsellor just to talk things through—just incase you weren’t aware of this service. Sorry again you’re going through this, I understand how hard it is xx

OP was using a reliable form of contraception, so I agree vasectomy was the obvious solution if they didn’t want any more kids, but it clearly wasn’t a matter of urgency. OP has agency in whether and when they have sex too you know !!

He should've got the vasectomy then..