DH wants to abort, I don’t

On what planet are you saying that the OP hasnt agreed to this?! She has a coil and he didnt bother filing his vasectomy paper work! You are hilarious!

Everyone told my stepdaughter to abort her last pregnancy (this would be number 4 as a not coping single mum with a seriously autistic 2nd child). Abortion booked. We found out and said we would help her. Abortion avoided. We have the most beautiful 3 year old now who is a sheer joy and a really easy child. We do help and are really involved. I often look at her and think of the narrow escape she had and how her little life might have been snuffed out. It is genuinely unthinkable or imaginable how sad that would have been. She's an absolute darling. Her mum always wanted a girl and now she has one. Life is so precious.nThere will always be challenges in life so yeah....I'm sure your husband means well but I wouldn't do what you could likely regret. There's no going back once it's done.

He should have had a vasectomy if he feels this strongly.

Of course it’s your decision, but our decisions have consequences. How do you feel about bringing a child into the world who is not wanted by its father? How will you feel if your husband resents this child? How will the child feel? How will you feel if your marriage ends because of this and your children grow up without two parents? How will this decision affect the children you already have? Not trying to tell you what to do, just to consider the possible negative outcomes of having vs. not having an abortion. No good option, but which scenario can you live with?

I’m so sorry he’s being like this OP. You deserve so much better.

I couldn’t abort either. If you do, you may regret it forever, resent DH and always wonder “what if?”. I’d go on ahead and hope for a healthy pregnancy.

After your baby is born I recommend sertraline for PND, if you need it.

Best of luck.

Sounds like you have been having a rough time OP, not sure this thread has helped with all the posters being quick to appoint blame on your husband.

prior to today, you agreed to have an abortion, you & DH must have discussed this? I assume PND/finances must have been part of that decision? They are your head decisions, hearing the heartbeat brings you to your emotive decision. Your husband may have been shocked to hear your change of mind & panicked so like you say give him a day or two.

I think you both speaking to each honestly either with or without the support of a counsellor is really needed. You have to consider you have PND, You have a history of depression & anxiety, you need support whichever way your decision goes.

You need to consider your existing children & your finances. If you split how long do your savings last? Currently you pay for an annual holiday. Can you afford rent/mortgage, all bills and potentially childcare for 3 children so you can go back to work? You probably won’t qualify for UC.

whats the plan if you leave your husband? The PND gets worse, who is going to look after the children & support you/care for you

so many posters have just glorified you leaving your husband, skipped your Mh issues and told you it will all be rosy. Chances are it won’t be.

DH will hopefully come round after the shock but you need to make a decision together & work out whats best for you, your health and the existing children. Ultimately it is your decision but I do not envy this position you are in & the fact you are having to make it when you are already suffering with your health

But you have no evidence for what you think. According to OP, his immediate response to her wanting to keep the baby was "I'm winding up the business". That's not his decision to make.

The coercion talk seems a bit much when he'd had maybe a few hours (at most) to digest and react to something stressful and life-altering.

Ditto the "relationship is over now" talk.

Nobody is saying she has to get a abortion they've obviously spoke about it already if the appointment had been made if she's changed her mind that's her decision but his told her his not changing his mind so if she's ok doing it solo fine but she can't force him

I think you need some pregnancy counselling to seriously consider the options and time is running out so do it soon. The chances of you having PND again with such a small gap between babies, an unsupportive or absent husband are very high that's just the reality. Pregnancy counselling will help you look at all your options and you could do a few sessions with him too.

It’s easy for me to say - don’t do it. But if you feel a bond with this baby and abort, I feel that will be a very hard thing to live with.

i feel for your DH but this is about you and this child.

Not sure you can blame him for having ‘pre and post natal depression’ with baby number 3 when you’re already suffering with post natal depression so bad you’re still under the care of a mental health team. Surely the second you conceived it moved to pre natal depression?

I'll be honest, all the women who I know who suffered from PND, which is not many, have all decided not to have more DC as the experience was so horrific.
They don't want to experience it again and are worried about the impact on their existing DC and family.

I know this isn’t the point but please don’t say you don’t work. If you didn’t look after the children, clean, cook, run the house, someone would have to. If he need help with those things so that he could work, he’d have to pay. Your labour matters. It’s valuable. It’s a contribution financially because it means you don’t have to pay people to perform those necessary functions.

If you are doing all the work and he’s not viewing it as worthwhile labour then that may go some way to explaining why you had PND. Depression can very much be caused by situational factors as well as hormonal and chemical factors - and the two interplay.

I am hoping your DH starts to realise that the failure in contraception was as much his responsibility (if not more so because your decided on vasectomy and he ‘forgot’) and that to coerce you into a termination with threats of downgrading his role, isn’t ok. It’s fine for him to express concerns and worries but what you need is support and to make this decision collaboratively. Ultimately, it’s you mostly that will pay the cost with either decision.

I don’t think blame is the right word but his behaviour and choices could well be contributing factors.

I think it’s very very difficult to move past resentment and upset at aborting a baby you wanted. To understate what I think by a significant amount.

I had an abortion a year or so ago, I quite literally never think of it and it wasn't my choice but medical professionals. I was on meds that would have been bad for the foetus and my MH was (and is) bad, due to depression, anxiety and PTSD.
If anything I am grateful that I didn't have another baby earlier this year. My MH is still down the drain and a baby wouldn't have helped.
Saying that I actively want a second, but I want the time to be "right" that is when my MH is better and I am better equipped to take care of said baby. My 7 year old deserves a mum that can take care of him and be there for him and right now I need enough help from my parents and siblings when my husband is working to give him a life that's worth living.

It’s not an easy decision so please think about it. It’s also not an easy recovery my bodies wrecked. I had to start a new job a few days later while still wearing maternity nappies. I swear I’m anaemic now aswell. Physically I’m getting there but it’s now mentally hitting me and it’s a struggle. Xx

This. Man doesn’t want baby, man also doesn’t book vasectomy. Man has made his choices.

I think having a baby damaged in some way because you were taking medication would be very very difficult to get over.

If you don’t want an abortion then don’t have one (i probably wouldn’t either if i had multiple scans done, why is it taking so long?) but I would be prepared to become a single parent.

Having another child if you’re not both on board will be immensely stressful, especially if there’s only one provider. It’s an impossible situation for both of you.

I hope he’s just panicking and will calm down and come around, sometimes men do this. The posters advising you leave him live in lala land. Leaving and becoming a single parent of three including a newborn baby, especially when you don’t have a job is a crazy idea. Hope it all works out. I don’t recommend aborting when you feel so strongly against it, you’re absolutely right about the effects on your MH.

Same.

I can’t look it up right now as I’m on my commute but I’m pretty sure there were studies that debunked the idea that abortion is always this immensely traumatic experience. iirc the most common feeling was relief.

Part of the problem is that contraception does not usually 'fail' if it is used correctly.
Even if it does, most adults know-how should know-about the morning after pill.
And it's not being sexist to say only the woman can take this.

It is reasonable that he feels hoodwinked into this.
I would.
I'd feel resentful as heck to be honest.

Her body, her choice of course.

It is possible that the resentment makes him walk out or it eats away at him and he stays out of duty doing what he must while emotionally detaching from the OP.

I am going to go out on a limb here after reading more of the thread and say I think it's possible you could have impaired insight because of your current MH struggles and that bringing another child into the world in this way is very irresponsible and actually quite selfish. And maybe that is what you DH is trying to say.

Listen to yourself: you have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, have PPD severe enough to need a MH team and you are considering divorcing your husband and relegating your children to a life of single parenthood, lower income and parental mental illness because you feel attached to your current pregnancy. You will have 3 children under the age of 5 by the time you give birth and your marriage could be shot.

Realistically you do not have the capacity for this and maybe you should listen to the people in your life, such as your husband, who can actually see this. Not random people on the internet. I think you need a wake up call.