AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

Blaming the idea of a shower on pregnancy loss? Sorry I don’t quite follow that link (if that’s the one you’re making)

I'm in the US so potentially very different! Here, the shower is traditionally a party to shower the new mother with gifts in preparation for her child. The lists are helpful because we then know what to purchase - what type of bottles she prefers, for example, and whether to buy cloth or disposable diapers. She also then gets a completion discount after the date of the shower, so she can (on her own) purchase whatever she'd added to her list that wasn't bought at a discount from the retailer. Some women add big ticket items to their list for that purpose, with the intention of purchasing it themselves using the completion discount. Once the baby is here, close friends and family will often bring a small token (flowers, a hot meal, etc) when they come to meet the new baby, but a gift truly isn't expected at that time. I think the lists are practical and have appreciated knowing exactly what the new parents need for their baby.

Completely makes sense - and am not being snarky when I ask this - why do a shower, in that case? From some of the other posts I've viewed, it sounds like baby showers in general aren't part of your culture. A lovely gathering with the mother to be sounds really nice and a great way to celebrate without having a baby shower.

Yes. Of course different cultures have different traditions. As I said, I can understand why showers have not translated well to the UK. But I think it is culturally insensitive to suggest that showers are a "worst trait" of the US, especially considering that historically and even currently, they are way of women showing solidarity with each other.

Well firstly I said “lake” , not “fake” making reference to the type of person whose world view would be lake America, rather than Lake Ontario… it’s been quite a big political discussion in the past few days.

also I’ve already said twice I’m Irish, not from the UK…. So obviously I’m not a Brit..

your credentials as an American are on full display, no need to swear. I don’t think having further discussion about culture differences would be productive, given the limitations displayed in your last message.

I’m 60 - baby showers weren’t a thing when I was having babies.

I know it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar to you but I think a gift wish list is SO much better than people buying random (horrible) outfits that will fit the baby when it’s the wrong season to wear them.

A baby shower is supposed to be thrown by friends or family of the mother to be. Your friend throwing her own is the only unreasonable element here.

A wish list or registry is 100% reasonable for a baby shower, the aim of which is to shower the mother with items that will be needed for the baby or for herself as a new mother. Ages ago when the tradition started in pioneer days in the US, there wasn't the same vast array of products available; women would make little clothes, sew little 'diapers', knit little receiving blankets, cardigans and booties, etc. Ever since the advent of the department store, shower gifts have been purchased, and in order not to waste money or saddle a new mother with a pile of stuff she has no use for, or force her to trek to the store with new baby in tow and a pile of unwanted gifts to exchange, registries or wish lists have been perfectly acceptable. It's not grabby but practical, and I really don't see the objection to it.

Showers have always involved gifts, and they have always been held before the baby is born. Their purpose has always been to show support for the mother as she prepares for motherhood and to make sure the baby was provided for whenever he or she arrived, from day one, not from a few weeks later when people.got around to visiting with gifts. The games and whatnot are not the point of the shower.

WELL SAID!!

I don't understand how so many perfectly charming, pleasant American customs become so mangled by the British, and turned into grotesque imitations.

One thing that stands out from all of the many posts all over MN hear after year, on topics like prom, Hallowe'en, registries, baby showers, and even (laughably) automatic cars, is the inability to understand or appreciate human kindness, fun, and practicality. There's a puzzling determination to cast it all in the worst possible light.

Even more puzzling is the fact that the seething hatred of all things American is out and proud and unquestioned. Since when did being so closed-minded become so acceptable?

I challenge you to make a list of all the useful American inventions or American traditions or phrases or foods or beverages you cheerfully embrace in your daily life, and also those you embrace periodically.

I bet you're not such a nationalistic cactus in real life.

Because you need the things when you have a baby or when you get married and set up home?

If you're Irish and living in Ireland, it's not actually universally considered rude at all.

I know this because I'm Irish and all my cousins who are also Irish and who have got married in Ireland over the last 20-30 years have had wedding registries. Nobody has batted an eyelid - even older relatives have been enthusiastic about not having to guess what people want or need. People have been very happy to buy towels or a few plates from a set or a couple of wine glasses or join with others to buy a bigger ticket item like a set of diy tools. They've also been very happy just to give money for a honeymoon fund or down-payment for a house, etc.

So buy them yourself? If you can’t afford everything, go without and be grateful for whatever you do get whenever the baby arrives? The registries I receive are really quite outrageous. Sure, they have bottles and rattles and babygros - but they also have baby bjorn rockers and bugaboo strollers and those vibrating sleep cribs, all in the hundreds and hundreds of dollars. You have to ask yourself if the parents every pay for anything themselves…

I understand this, and register your deep frustration with anti-Americanism here on MN and in the real world frankly. Conversely, I don’t think Americans (generalizations blah blah blah) grasp just how grotesque Europeans find American consumerism. In the few time I’ve timidly pointed this out here I’ve been told, literally and in different words, “it’s called freedom, Cankles. We can do what we want here”. The deep disgust that other people find in this attitude, the rejoicing in excess and willful lack of temperance and gay abandon with consumption (the bedrock of America’s post-war boom), is repulsive to many and that is where the strength of feeling comes from - especially now that it’s becoming more and more apparent that other people around the world are also paying a heavy price for this so-called freedom Americans exercise.

It’s a cultural difference. I’ve lived in Asia and Europe and the US for roughly one third each of my life. I see so many good things in all these places, so many objectionable. I’m in no position to criticize or judge, I vote where I don’t live and can’t vote where I do live. This is just in reply to your frustration with British anti-Americanism. I’m sure you’re aware of all the above.

I’m not anti American. But we do have a British culture too! We can surely maintain our customs? We are pro American re music, films and just about everything except you know who. We do embrace other cultures and welcome new ideas but we don’t have to 100% agree with everything! Baby showers for me is one thing I’d rather not see because we had our own celebrations after a baby is actually born. But we have to copy the USA. It’s easy to do because we import American culture very freely and without question. It’s not wrong to question a few things which are not better than our existing custom and practice.

I was speaking of the actual items once they were in the home. I did literally give an example of what I meant.

I do try to think beyond just giving the gift. I don’t want to give a gift that they have to go through the trouble of returning or makes things difficult hence I favour wishlist.

If you don’t know someone enough to know what they want or just to ask, then that’s probably an indication that you aren’t close enough to give a gift.

Many people do feel obliged to give two gifts in the UK though, one for the baby shower and one post-birth.

Because the British tradition is to give a gift after the baby is born, so it feels awkward not to give one even after you’ve already given one at the baby shower.

I don’t mind so much if the host has gone to effort at the baby shower and provided nice food and drinks.

But sometimes the guests are expected to fork out for their own afternoon tea for example and also a gift.

@nomas I think a certain type of mum to be wants these. Among DDs old school friends and university friends, it’s not done. They are more traditionally British and are happy with our customs. Neither do they need loads of gifts.

No. I recall in SATC that gifts are brought to the shower. I have only been to two, not complaining, both times I brought a gift.
A list is probably not a bad idea over ending up with two sterilisers and 5 nappy cakes.
It’s is overly celebrated like everything now, akin to a wedding.
You either bring a gift or buy one afterwards but never both.

I would prefer to give when the baby is born. Then you know the baby has arrived safe and sound, is healthy and what sex they are and therefore can make a more informed decision as to what gift to get. Everything about baby showers seems like tempting fate to me, having known a number of friends who had stillbirths or similar.

What happens is sadly the baby dies and you have all these presents?

I didn’t have a baby shower but have been to a few! Some had wish lists (which suited me better) than the ones were there was none!
last mum to be wanted a swing £80 on Amazon! Easy peasy!

What a morbid thought.

The vast, vast majority of babies are born without any problem, and go on living.

If you're so concerned about unexpected death, how often do you get into a car?

Women have started having baby showers in work on their last day of maternity leave. They tend to send the e-mail, bring a selection of cakes and soft drinks, and attach a list of things the baby needs that are still outstanding. The e-mail is printed off and people put their name by the side of the gift. That’s been the trend for the last 5 years in our place. I do think it’s a generational thing.