AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

Yes, I've always given the gift at the shower, agree that's the whole point of them. I've never heard of anyone giving gifts twice.

For quite a few showers, e.g. uni friends who don't live nearby, I haven't seen the baby until months after it's born, so makes far more sense to give it beforehand.

It's also better for the parents, as that way they have an idea of what they already have vs what they still need to buy, before the baby actually arrives. Plus it makes it easier for groups of friends can club together to get something more substantial that's actually useful, rather than yet another baby grow when the parents have already bought twenty and been gifted ten more.

I find the idea of giving out a present list a bit grabby, I have to say (and I'm usually the first to defend the baby shower concept on MN, where they seem to be almost universally hated!). The only exception would be if people had specifically asked you what to get, in which case I'd think it would be fine to send them a list of a few options, but only to them, not to all prospective invitees!

Who the fuck said you had to shell out twice per baby? Gifts are usually given at the shower by the people who attend and those same people generally aren’t then expected to buy another gift once the baby is born. You’ve invented a second mandatory round of presents and are now objecting to the expense of something you made up. 😭

How does my post come across as “incredibly demanding” which part?

i said it was a suggested gift list not a mandatory requirement.

if your friend was having three babies at once (or one for that matter) and said - “listen we have loads to buy, here is a suggested list of things we need to give you some ideas” why would you find that demanding? Why is that grabby? Personally I find it helpful to have a guide and I can buy something that’s useful and needed for my friend at a time that it’s really needed. If I could why would you not help your friend in that way? I find that strange.

Nowhere did I say that they must buy a gift and it must be off that list.

as another poster pointed you, you’ve mixed up the people you are arguing with and giving lake America vibes. Gifts yes, registry seems to be dependent on where you live. I literally said I follow the registry rule for my American friends because I get that it’s what’s done there, but it’s typically not done where I’m from but you seemed to passionately believe that what I’ve attended are fake showers and not worthy of the name. We could start a mission to call them pre childbirth get togethers with optional gifts but I doubt it will take off.

The younger generation are doing it.

Yes, I think it is grabby, especially when they put items over £100.

These lists often include items which are contradictory, for example a breast pump, then lots of bottles to help give them formula.

It's stupid and grabby

I can’t stand baby showers, I’m so glad I’m in my 40s now and those days seem to be behind me, I completely bypassed gender reveal which I think is even worse. My friend had a gift list, I adore my friend but I remember thinking it was embarrassing that she did that. I always felt as though I had to get another present when I went to visit the baby too. I didn’t have a baby shower as I didnt want one. One girl I know had 5 kids and had one each baby!! It’s so grabby if u ask me.

So this wasn’t your post:

Just stop and think. As an expectant triplet mum you need to buy many things in TRIPLICATE. That is why I had a suggested gift list. People rallied together to help us at an extraordinary time with THREE premature babies on the way. The financial implications short and long term are huge. They wanted guidance on what was needed to help to practically support us as a family and they asked for a gift list. It’s extraordinary that you think this is grabby. I only hope you don’t have to fund three newborns at once with little chance of getting back to work anytime soon. Extraordinary view.

It reads as quite rude. The last two sentences were particularly snarky.

Interpretation of the written word can be inaccurate of course and you may not have intended it like that.

have you ever actually been to a baby shower?

Only because literally nobody has said that either as attendees OR hosts they expect to give/receive two sets of gifts, in fact the opposite. I've never heard of anyone doing both. In my experience the vast majority of people give giftsts at the shower, as that is part of its purpose but if they would prefer to wait until the baby is born that's fine too - I've never known anyone to give presents twice nor known any parents who have expected that.

You seem to have manufactured outrage at a situation of your own imagining.

I guess if I was invited to such an event I'd presume I was expected to supply a gift. But I may be unsure of whether it should be for mum or baby. So maybe the list could be helpful. But only if it was within my budget.

I'd just put cash in a card I suppose.

Lol, how the fuck am I giving “fake American” vibes? I’m literally American. My family has been here for generations so I think I have a slightly better grasp of American baby-shower customs than some Brit whose credentials are apparently “I have some American friends.” 😭

Not of my own imagining. I know people who have expected both. Mainly younger women who don’t seem to understand that it’s one or the other.

See also work collections where you have to contribute when the woman leaves for mat leave and then again when the kid is born.

Maybe I just know exceptionally grabby people

I love a wish list because I rather know what to get and what not to get.

Often it is the mother who has to deal with it all at the end of the day and I rather not give them additional task whether baby is born or not especially if it is a difficult pregnancy/birth.

What additional task? Putting together a wish list?

If so, given the mother is the one having the baby and getting the gifts, that seems fair

Thinking more once they get the gifts.

The organisation, going through what they’ve received, making note of what they may still need to get, how much space they have, etc.

I rather not buy anything that makes additional work.

When my sister had her baby shower she had received a lot more than she expected and she had a small flat. She had boxes and gifts stacked in corners and some stuff she had to ask if she could keep at our aunt’s because there was little space for her to actually move around her flat. She had our mother’s help (I live in a different country from them) and was grateful for all the gifts but it was still a lot for her to sort and manage at the end of her pregnancy.

Something can and sometimes it does but that’s nothing to do with a shower

(said by a hater of baby showers) but I think the you might jinx it rhetoric is so toxic and woman blaming

Nobody is expecting anything. You have to realise people live in circles that just will and that is their choice. But when someone is asking for ideas, a wish list is there for that reason. Also it’s long been established on this thread that nobody is expecting double gifts.

The organisation, going through what they’ve received, making note of what they may still need to get, how much space they have, etc

there are a lot of websites that automate this for you - mine was on Amazon and it marked it as purchased

I dont have a problem. Im fact it makes life easier.
If you are turning up to a gathering you would tske s gift.
A wish list simplifies things and you may as well get people something they want.

“Grabby” just isn’t a concept in the U.S. I had never heard that word before I moved to England. It seems meant to shame.

@Conundrummum123 It’s blaming the idea of the shower. That women organise them and expect a gift is driven by the notion of the shower which is 100% American. My DC are just over 30 and this idea was inconceivable back then. No one had one. We just cannot help copying the worst traits from the USA and we lose our own identity. Sincerely hope my DDs don’t have one. So far none of their friends have so they are not universal.

Parents yes if they want to, mine bought me a second hand bugaboo for example- everyone else no. Most of the presents we got for my babies were worth around £10-£20 and usually something like a book or blanket. I would never expect friends to spend more or club together for a big ticket item. We got some nice hand me downs and the rest second hand. We are all middle class professionals.

Just saying the social norm is different in different places. I would think a baby shower with the expectation you bought something for £40 like a bouncer was grabby.

We just cannot help copying the worst traits from the USA and we lose our own identity.

Fine if you think showers do not fit with your culture. But not so fine that you consider them a worst trait for a different culture.

As others have explained, historically honoring expectant mothers and brides with showers came from a sense of community, a sort "it takes a village" mentality. It's actually one of the best traits of the US, but speaking as an American who has lived in the UK, I can understand why it has not translated well.

Kind of like Americans adding cheese to Italian food and calling it Italian food 😬

But this isn't how it works there. Women don't organise their own. They organise them for others. Gifts are often small, or themed, and advice and tips and solidarity from other women relatives is a big part of it.

UK might copy trends from the US but in doing so, they copy them badly and without context, and that is what makes them worse. Showers, trick.or treating, proms, whatever - if you copy them superficially and lose out on a lot of the actual details, etiquette, history, context, then yes of course they will appear worse. But that could well be the fault of those trying to copy them, rather than the originals.

Fine too to not want a different tradition and to mourn the loss of UK traditions, and I can see why people might try hard to promote things from their own background. But it doesn't have to be by creating a bastardised version of a different culture's traditions and then rubbishing it as not as good. There must be something about the idea that appeals to people here, so find ways of incorporating that into old traditions and people will want to keep them.

@RitaIncognita The village thing is after a baby is born and it was never celebrated here before a safe arrival. Obviously people in the USA can do what they want, but why can we not keep our culture without importing another one? These events just didn’t happen until we absorbed USA tv and suddenly mums to be here thought they were missing out! Of course you would if you wanted recognition and gifts. It’s so nice to receive gifts for your wonderful new baby and we are missing out on that.