AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

I didn’t see it as a bad luck thing, I just didn’t want anything to go wrong and come home to a house full of baby things.

And it’s great if you get something you know they will need. When I got married I had a gift list. No obligation for anyone to use it. One person went rogue and bought us an outdoor garden heater…. We lived in a 1 bed flat with no balcony. Grateful for a gift but we ended up giving it away as nowhere to keep it! Didn’t move into a place with any outdoors for about 5 years.

why don’t you just get people to post the gifts if there is no need for celebration, just to handover the presents without the actual hassle of seeing people? By your explanation, it is a baby shower when people shower with gifts, regardless of a predefined list of not so technically the ones I’ve attended apparently meet your definition. It’s the list people seem to find a bit off-putting not the gift giving itself.

I don’t know why you feel so strongly that if someone can’t have a baby shower without following all American traditions - think about all the traditions the US imported and shaped - Halloween with pumpkins etc (should I be outraged you don’t use the traditional turnip?), which is probably what happened with baby showers here. People liked the idea, culturally they didn’t like the idea of registries and obviously forgot to ask your permission if it could still be called a baby shower.

People used to give small wedding presents. Over time bigger presents were given and now people are often asked for cash. I am wondering if in time, people will ask for cash at baby showers.
it just all seems very grabby to me.

That’s what I would assume!

Isn't the whole point of a baby shower that people come with gifts?

That's what the "shower" is - showering with gifts/ supplies for the new baby.

I didn't want one because I felt like it was just a way of asking for gifts - it seemed grabby regardless of whether there's a list.

The point that poster was trying to make was her friend WAS demanding gifts because there were gift lists. that means gifts were requested therefore expected. For both before and after baby was born.

You also don’t have to attend.

We all have to attend things sometimes due to social obligations and wanting to keep friendships and relationships.

Just from reading this thread it’s easy to see that Americans tend to be more generous than the British. It’s such a shame that a beautiful tradition has been reimagined as something “grabby” and distasteful.

You've misunderstood, this isn't America and NOT our culture, so yes, here it is largely considered grabby. The tradition here is gifts once the child has been born.

I do a gift at the baby shower. Usually a soft structured carrier or sling.
Then I give babygrows/muslins or bibs when baby’s actually here along with a card.
I would prefer a gift list so I know what they don’t already have, but after raising my boys I know that a sling is usually the one thing left off a list, and the most useful thing ever!

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and yep, I'm having a shower.
I've done a registry because we live in a small flat where there won't be room for lots of baby items and we have specifically picked items that are dual purpose or space saving etc. There is nothing on the registry over £70, that is one item (the bedside crib) and everything else is under £40 with most items being under £10. We'll buy the big things ourselves but guessed if people were wanting to give a gift, why not buy what we actually need so we have it for babys arrival? Otherwise we have to buy it all ourselves and then extra things once babys here.
We are also trying to avoid people buying us newborn sized anything as we are expecting a 9lb-er, and things like scented baby lotions, because both of us have very sensitive skin and expecting baby to be the same.

That is another reason showers are seen as grabby - having to buy two lots of gifts is ridiculous

It’s much more sensible to do this for a baby shower than a wedding, baby shower people actually do need to buy a lot of expensive necessities.
I felt so awkward doing this but my friends all basically insisted I did it as they wanted to give gifts, and they wanted those gifts to be actually useful

It might not have been your culture years ago when you had children but it is a lot now. Just like children in the uk have proms now but didn’t in the early 2000s

Congrats!

I dunno personally I feel like it’s the parents responsibility to purchase all the big ticket items for their child, well in fact all things for their child, everything else others may purchase are bonuses. exception being if someone asked specifically what I needed and then I’d be saying things like bottles, vests, those love to dream swaddles etc

That's hilarious! How did they know you well enough to spend that amount but not know you lived in a flat?! I wonder at what point they realised it was a terrible gift...

Personally I’d have a gift list of things I actually need to save duplicates and expensive outfits a newborn will quickly grow out of.
however I’d never dream of sending it as a ‘request’ with an invite and would have no expectation of gifts.
Then if anyone got in touch (as they usually do) to ask what I need, I’d send them the link. Wish lists on Amazon are perfect for that as it could genuinely just be my own shopping list but will give guest and idea of what you actually want for a while range of budgets.

i do think sending it before asking is grabby tbh

I thought it was a good idea to have a wish list

I don’t dislike baby showers but I do dislike this, especially when all of the items are big expensive ones. I was invited to a colleagues baby shower earlier this year which was the same, cheapest item on the list was £85 and the most expensive was a full nursery furniture set was £1800 closely followed by a pram at £1500! I was really shocked because surely those items aren’t the ones you expect from a baby shower! All other baby showers I’ve attended presents have mainly been clothes, blankets, token things like a money box or things for mum and thats more the kind of thing I would expect.

I find it uncomfortable. Why do people have to bring gifts and then more gifts once the woman has given birth? Having a list makes it seem like gift giving is compulsory.

Arranging an event with no actual significance for sole purpose of getting gifts is grabby because people still expect gifts when the kid has been born.

Why is a crib even on there?

It's like, "reet we had sex and now we expect someone to spend double coin on a crib ta'. Those things are your responsibility.

Thanks, yes I agree, we are buying the cot, furniture, pram, car seats etc ourselves. We only put the bedside crib on the registry as I know my grandparents want to spend around £100 and be able to buy a specific thing so it is on there more so for them. Most of my registry is creams, bibs, muslins, sleep sacks, bath toys, little things like that.

Because I have been asked to put a bigger item on there as my grandparents want to spend around £100 and be able to say "we bought X" not just an assortment of random books etc.
Obviously it's our responsibility, but my family are very generous and want us to have the items we've chosen. I'm very lucky in that respect.
OBVIOUSLY if it doesnt get purchased we will buy it ourselves, which was always the plan before people generously offered to gift things to us. I don't for a second expect anybody else to fund my baby but if they CHOOSE to, then that's very graciously appreciated and here are the things we would like.
What a strange comment.

💯 We see a plethora of of “what should I buy for……” threads, but if anyone has a gift lis oh that’s so grabby!

Bringing a gift when you visit is commonplace where I live. I’m not from around these parts so it took a bit of getting used to. The guessing game of “do they drink wine?” does my nut in, as does receiving bottles of wine as a gift as a non drinker! I’d love if every person I knew had a gift list for even casual occasions. 😆

For baby showers, an event where gifts are usually brought, a gift list makes perfect sense.

My mum bought our cot. My MIL bought our first pram. My sister bought us a changing table. Of course I could buy these things by myself, but they wanted to contribute. That’s what friends and family do, when they can. I’m sorry you don’t have people in your life who want to do this for you.