I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

What do you mean one of the kids isn't yours? How do you know? I am confused as to how your writing has changed so much over the course of this thread.
Are you just wanting to vent as you seem very sure that you can't forgive either of them so what is your hope for the future?

Ffs, it was over two decades ago and you weren’t together at the time…drumroll…because of you.
Sure, you can be a bit miffed that nobody told you sooner, but you’re being a massive drama queen as it wasn’t anything ‘significant in your life’, they were single and briefly got together, there was no you or your life involved at the time.
Tbh, I can see why they didn’t tell you.

If this is a real story I’d also be wondering why he’s telling it now. It’s a huge betrayal. I wouldn’t want any of my DPs exes in our family life. It’s alsmost they stayed together as “friends” because they wanted to be close together. No one will really know if they didn’t have any hook ups during the years. Why keeping your ex as part of your family life? So weird. A good friend would also distance himself from you if your wife ended up marrying you. At least the time you asked him to be the best man was the time to tell you.

Oh you've fucked off on your children? They are due to start a new term, perhaps put them first, so they have a good start to the year. Interesting that you don't think the other God parent to your children deserves honesty.

@jhkyg
I think that anybody would feel the same as you.
If the genders of all 3 of you were flipped, it would be the same.

I mean if you were a woman and your dh had a fling with your best female friend it would be the same. Whether you were broken up with or not.
It's just not on.

So there's no element of misogyny or sexism here.

It's gender neutral.

I couldn't get past if my dh had a fling with my best (female) friend even if we were split up at the time, no way, you are correct: it is a huge betrayal.

You can't make it go away with logic. I understand.
Somethings are just gut level, aren't they?
You should get past it but you can't.

Brace yourself: sorry to say there's got to be a reason why he's telling you now. I think there's more to come.
Sorry.

All the best.

I think OP meant it would be even worse to find out that one of the kids isn't his. He doesn't mean he knows that to be true—he's just running through worst-case scenarios.

I think 2 things can be true at the same time - you have a right to feel the way you do and they had a right to behave as they did. Given your reaction here, they may have wondered how you would handle knowing this before and valued their relationships with you too much to lose them.

No one handled it great back then, but you were all young. Now you have the chance to act like adults. Feel your feelings, tell them how you feel. Then move on and dont fuck up 2 important relationships because of something from so long ago.

I can see its a shock but really, is it that significant?

It's not that she didn't technically cheat on you, its that she didnt cheat on you.

Did you think you were her one and only? Is that's what's bothering you?

What did she say about your football team?

Your (ex) friend is a disgrace, listening to you all those years ago and presumably offering advice while at the same time sleeping with his best friend's ex, awful behaviour. No wonder you feel differently about him. No doubt he is not telling you now for any benefit to you either.

I understand that you are hurt that your friend and your wife lied by ommission. They kept this from you and you think they made a fool of you because they had information you didn't have. What do you want to do moving forward? Do you want to move forwards or end the relationship? I think your no lies and no secrets rule is a bit unrealistic. Everybody lies and they do it several times a day.

My H doesnt know about all my sexual relationships. He would be very surprised. He thinks im very vanilla 😆. You don't have to tell and share everything. All he needs to know is ive been. 100% faithful in our 16 year relationship.

Ur friend is the problem here. They didn’t tell you for 26 years , there was no need to tell you now. Why would he want to tell you now? T that strikes me as odd what is he hoping to gain out of you knowing now it’s almost like he wants to break you up so he can have her.

I agree with this. Your mistake OP is posting as a man. If you had reversed the sexes quite a lot of people sneering at you (and love the poster who said you cheated on her at age 18 - simply making things up) would be all "omg your dh had sex with your best friend who was your bridesmaid and neither of them bothered telling you - omg what a bastard!"

They did nothing wrong in having sex. I think not telling you was a mistake and one I'd find it hard to process. Random guy or acquaintance is fine to forget about and not talk about - your best friend who goes on to play a huge part in your joint lives - there isn't a person posting here who would be so cool about that - it isn't the sex it is the secrecy. What I do think is maybe they decided not to say anything back in the day and then kind of forgot/figured there was never a really good time as things got so serious between you.

And I really would wonder about your friend's motivations right now.

I really don’t think you're being unreasonable at all.

It’s your best friend. The fact that they kept it a secret for many years suggest they knew it would be upsetting for you to find out.
OK, it wasn’t cheating but for them to sleep together and then not tell you at the start of when you guys got back together? I’d feel betrayed too.

I would also wonder why he’s told you now… what was his intention?

I think the majority of posters understand why you feel hurt and shocked, they did lie by omission. I imagine that as 18yr olds you were ALL navigating the situation clumsily (you just as much as them, your behaviour doesn’t cover you in glory either), and then too much time had lapsed to tell you. It’s ok to let yourself feel hurt but is it really worth throwing the baby out with the bathwater? By your own acknowledgment, you have ended up with a pretty great life that you wouldn’t have had if you had known. Are you being a bit ridiculous when you are catastrophising about him being the biological father of your children? Unless you genuinely think (with some kind of actual evidence) that they have been continuing an affair, I’d think twice about allowing this to blow up your own life. I suspect his wife doesn’t/wont care that much about his stupidity as an 18yr old, in the same way your wife hasn’t focused on what a tool you were, and her difficulty navigating the situation at the time. If you break up your own marriage, I’m willing to guess you will be the one that feels the impact more in the long-term, so tread carefully.

It's not the act, but the concealment that has broken the trust. You are right to feel devastated.
You need to cool down before you decide what to do. Tell him you need time away from him. I don't know what you should say to your wife. She should have told you.

There was some research done into the online vitriol against 'cheaters' a while back.

It suggested that part of the reason for it was that a lot of people who are chronically online are single. Unhappily so. And the idea that somebody else can get TWO people to have sex/a relationship with them at a time, inspires deep anger (stemming from envy I suppose) in those who are struggling with dating/relationships.

The fact it happens on MN where a lot of people are married, slightly kibboshes that theory on here, but it's an interesting angle to take.

Perhaps on MN it is jealousy, rather than envy driving this vitriol?

I think your reaction now tells you something about why they kept this hidden. Its a terrible shock and I am sure you feel betrayed, but so did your 18 year old girlfriend all those years ago. She had no idea you two would get back together.
Then she probably didn't want to wreck things when you did. And then it just stayed as one of those things that gets simultaneously harder and easier to hide as time goes on.
What matters is that a) it started after you split and ended before you got back together b) you have a good friend and a wife you love.
Take a deep breath and it will all be ok.

(Two different boys who dumped me in my teens, I ended up getting with their best friend for a bit.)

Another claiming responses would be different if OP was a women. Please link to evidence.

I think if my husband and best friend had hidden sleeping together I’d be so sad for the lies and deceit. I’d be curious why they never shared it with me and wondering if they were lying about other things. Sorry that you feel hurt! Hope you have someone you can speak to in real life. You say one of the children aren’t yours. Are you thinking they are your best friends?

You dumped her because she was a bit smug her football team won and not yours? I am actually amazed she even looked at you again.

I agree with this

it fizzled out on its own - it doesn’t sound like it was a great lust that is still burning

I’d be more interested in why they are telling you now

you are so hung up on this - you were both doing teenage things

yes your friend was an idiot but don’t jeopardise what you have now - you’re being very unnecessarily dramatic

She wasn’t your wife when you acted out your silly teenage things that we all are capable of - you sound like you could act something out now as a type of revenge

Oh get over yourself. You dumped her, she didn’t cheat, you weren’t together and she could see or shag who she liked.

Totally agree with this. I think it would be a massive shame to lose a marriage over something that happened when you were all 18. 18 year olds are not really fully functioning adults, I imagine you look back at breaking up with your now wife over a football related comment as quite silly and not something you would do now.

I think you would probably be happier yourself if you can find a way to let it go, rather than losing a 26 year old marriage and family.