I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

I don't realise that. It's about OP's insistence that he's been lied to, kept in the dark, even betrayed.

However, I've just checked all your replies and find your attitude strange, to put it mildly, especially your repeated doubts over paternity. Let's just say there's no alignment between your thought processes and mine.

Why does this happen? Sorry to be dense! I genuinely don’t understand why this happening. Is it just a regular troll , using ai to write a post?

It's fine to disagree.
He has been lied to by omission, betrayed, and kept in the dark, though-these things are all true.

I'm imagining how I'd feel if my female best friend had had a fling with my dh that they'd kept from me and no way would I be OK with it.

There's nothing strange about that at all. It's strange that you think that there is to be frank.

Why did he feel the need to tell you and cause all this ... I think its despicable of him.
Your wife loves YOU she married YOU ... They had a chance to be together but your wife chose YOU.
If I was your wife id be so angry at him right now and in her defense she was a single women and you broke her heart .
I think you should find forgiveness to your wife.
The friend I want to know why he felt he needed to upend your lives and the kids lives selfish bastard did he have a secret jealousy that YOUR wife chose YOU never forget that.
Give yourself time dont make rash decisions with feelings and emotions involved x

OP, it’s understandable that the friendship is over.

As for your marriage I would suggest you think of your kids first and foremost.

Obviously you now know that the woman you are married to is not the person you thought she was, but I feel that you should take time to see if you can, in time, come to terms with the facts and move on without first derailing your kids lives first.

If that means staying living with your wife but being purely platonic friends until you can potentially offer more then so be it. For the kids sake, take the time, do not blow everything up straight away but do get your ducks in a row in case you cannot get past this.

Totally agree. No British man would ever write such a post.

People are only being shitty to the OP because he's a man.
If it was a woman they would be validating her feelings.
I wouldn't be able to look at either of them the same way again.

How many authentic posters would come out with 'misandry' so quickly?

You cried? Get real.

I totally agree. 💯

You'd have a few contrarians but no way would a woman get the same response.

She'd be told in no uncertain terms that they were lying See You Next Tuesdays, were probably stlll at it and to get her 'ducks in a row' to 'leave the bastard' .

Which I would totally agree with. 💯

Cause he's a bloke, though. Suck it up buttercup.

I'd definitely file for divorce . It's not the sex. It's the 26 years of deceit . Your bf who was your best man and godfather to your kids hiding this from you. And your wife hiding it. It would be over for me

Absolutely nuts advice. Blow up your kids lives because dad’s ego can’t take the fact he dumped your mum and wrongly assumed she acted like the Virgin Mary for six months.

It's not the sex it's the 26 years deceit

Hard to believe this post is real. Doubt many friends would be meeting for bbqs and breakfast every single weekend. But in any case, even if one was to treat it as real, I can't imagine a bloke breaking down in tears over something that happened decades ago that really wasn't any of his business. The couple were friends, had a brief fling when the OP dumped her, went back to being friends and were broken up for three months before the OP and wife got back together. And they were all teenagers and no one was married.

It was a few weeks of silly, meaningless teenage shit when nobody was attached a million years ago and an ocean of water has since passed under the bridge. Save the wailing about "deceit" for stuff that actually matters.

If this is real, I suspect that what's really bothering OP is that he thought he was his wife's only partner ever. "Deceit" is a good cover for that kind of possessiveness but it's still bollocks.

No this is a none event on most people’s eyes.
Friends going out with their husbands/wives before they were even together

The difference is people realise it isn’t that big a deal and move on.

They choose the person they love and want to make a life with them and even if the other people are their best friend or even just part of their friendship group they trust each other.

This is where I think the biggest liar is jhkyg
because he is lying to himself

When he decided to marry his dw he either trusted her implicitly or he didn’t and if the latter he should never have married her.

Might I suggest that if you had been told that your ex gf and best friend were seeing each other for about 12 weeks and had broken up 3 months before you and her decided to go out.

If you are saying that you would have dumped her straight away after finding out this information then might I suggest you never really loved your wife.

It doesn’t matter the 26 years she has been by your side, the children you have together, the life you have. If you can move out of the house and end your marriage over this none event I am thinking again you really didn’t love your wife, you were in love with the idea that you had her.

I would love to hear from your wife and best friend because I am sure there is a huge backstory.

Would you say the same if the genders were reversed here?

If it were a woman posting this about her best female friend and her dh?

Yes I would and I don't know why people keep saying this because the only person to do anything questionable is a man. The "reverse the sexes" Greek chorus is so busy pointing fingers at women that it's missed this entirely.

Perhaps you could link to evidence for your assertion that this would be different if OP was a woman. I don't think you will find it.

There's no Greek chorus. Only people who are capable of putting themselves in other people's shoes. Empathy if you will.

Maybe try putting yourself in the OP's shoes and ask yourself how you'd feel if you found out your dh and best female mate had been shagging for months and not bothered to ever tell you. Till now for some dubious reason.

Which is strange and a cause for concern in itself.

(Though obviously paternity would not be an issue. I see that that is a key difference.)

I can bet that you wouldn't shrug it off.

I couldn't but more importantly than that I can empathise and there's no way I'd be OK with it and I'm guessing that not many women who currently being horrid to the OP would be OK with it, either.

He (OP) should have just reversed the genders.

Yes, technically it's not cheating, but COME ON, most people would find this very unsavoury. I can't seem to articulate why I would hate this situation so much, but I know it would make me feel very betrayed, even though "technically" no one did anything wrong - well actually, I say that but your friend should never have shagged your very recent Ex - what happened to the Code?

Honestly, OP, I get why you feel shocked but I do think you are overreacting and actually winding yourself up a it (wondering if one of your kids might not be yours?!!). But look at it this way. They were kids who had a casual relationship. They decided to keep quiet about it at the time because if it became public knowledge it would negatively affect relationships that were far more important. As time went on, it was easier to leave it in the past.

Like PP, I would wonder about your friend's motivation for telling you now? And let's look at your reaction - you find out your wife and friend had a teenage fling when they were both single and as a result, you have left your home, questioned your life decisions and the parentage of your kids?! Yes, it's a shock and they should not have kept it from you. I can only assume that this tendency to over react is a character trait and they kept quiet because they loved you.

I can understand that you would feel differently about the friendship and your wife needs to understand that you feel betrayed, whether or not that was her intention, but are you willing to throw your life away over this? Because if so, it does smack a bit of toxic masculinity. Mind you, if you raise the issue of your children's paternity with your wife, you might not get a choice.

I would take a deep breath, go home, and have some calm conversations.

And just to add, when I was leaving my ExH, my best friend shagged him. I have never spoken to her again. Just wrong, on so many levels. I know you could say "well you're splitting up anyway", but that's not the point. Instead of consoling me she was in his bed talking about me to him, and having sex with him. Not on. I have honestly hated her ever since, and that was 18 years ago. The rage is still there. If she turned up at my door homeless I would let her sleep in the street. Sometimes you just can't accept some things. They might be fine for someone else, but we all have our red lines, don't we?

You are saying it’s misandry that the majority of people on this thread feel sorry for your wife. I think the point you are missing is that no one is saying you are not allowed to have feelings, and of course secrets are hurtful, but to blow up your marriage and suggest your child is not yours because they shagged when they were 18 after you had dumped her and broken her heart is madness. You are going to lose your wife and be only part time in your child’s life. Are you sure it’s worth it?

@jhkyg - i understand this is unsettling. It’s odd that your friend suddenly told you. However, it seems pretty obvious that your wife didn’t tell you because you wouldn’t have got back together with her. You broke her heart once with your immature overreaction to her comment. You picked her back up when you realised you still loved her. You were lucky that despite you having broken her heart she agreed to get back with you. She obviously still loved you. She gave you grace for that. Can you not give her grace for this? You and she have so much shared history - marriage and children. Surely, you’re not going to throw all that away.