To be so upset by DH comments?

I’m really, really struggling to understand how you didn’t lose your shit with him.

You work part time, you’ve just taken extra work on, you do the majority of the housework and child care for three young children and you’re suffering with depression, anxiety and peri-menopause. He’s going out to work and then spending as much time as he likes exercising. And he’s whining that you don’t look like some glam dolly bird and he isn’t getting as much sex as he’d like???? I’m fucking outraged on your behalf. What an absolute fucking arsehole your ‘D’ husband is. How dare he have the audacity to complain about your appearance or energy levels when he’s dumped the responsibility for 95% of family life on your shoulders?

When is he thinking that you have the time to fit in this fitness regime? Would it be the first time you’ve had a chance to sit down all day? Or is he taking the easiest of the three children out for a bike ride and thinking you can do an aerobics session, get rid of all body hair below the neck and be waiting for him in the bedroom in a little silky number by the time he gets back? More sex? He’s lucky he’s not getting fucking divorce papers!

Sit him down, tell him that he’s absolutely right; you have been neglecting yourself because you have put making his life easier over and above your own welfare, so that ends now. From now on, the second he gets home, he’s responsible for 50% of childcare. He can forget about his nightly exercise because he’ll need to be doing his share of caring for his children so you can get down the gym too, the way he does. All leisure time is going to be equal from now on. And you aren’t going to be doing the majority of the housework either. You might work part time, but his day finishes at 6pm. So your day will too. Tell him you find men who do the ironing incredibly sexy and it’s about time he pulled his socks up in that department because you aren’t going to want to have sex with someone who you have to wait on hand and foot, like a fourth child.

Find your anger. He’s not looked at you and how hard you’re working for your family and thought to himself that he must make sure you get time for yourself as well as him and your DC. No, he’s looked at you and thought that you aren’t making much of an effort to ensure he’s sexually satisfied. He needs the riot act reading to him!

So you do most of the house work and childcare and have taken on more work. And now he's got you promising to be more affectionate (we all know what thats code for) and to lose weight?

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

Not necessarily. I've lost 2 stone recently and it's not even been a full dress size. Was a 16-18 and I'm now a 16. Woop.

It's a very hurtful comment to say that you have essentially let yourself go. You can ask the question but he doesn't have to be so tactless. Just start taking time on weekends, even if this means he has to exercise less. Men are very comfortable being a bit selfish and you need to get comfortable with it too.

If he wants you to put more effort into your appearance he should be good enough at providing that he can afford a PT for you, and if he wants you to be more attractive he should be able to afford skin clearing peels, tweaks (not for everyone, but definitely for the women he is looking at and comparing you to) expensive hair treatments and nicer clothes so you can look how more manufactured women look. If he can't comfortably afford this, he can't afford what he wants.

You're a size 12 with 3 kids, you're not a horrible whale or anything just tired from raising kids I'm guessing. He should be in tremendous shape to be asking anything of you after you went through childbirth three times for him, not just average dad who jogs shape.

Are you kidding?

after a week of pretty much silence from him, DH told me that he felt sad about our lack of affection, and felt I didn’t make an effort anymore, etc.

Giving someone the silent treatment, then telling them they aren't shaping up to your idea of a happy relationship, would be a strange way of showing concern for them, wouldn't it?

In reality, it sounds a lot like "You aren't giving me hot sex, you're inadequate". It's a depressingly common refrain from men whose wives run their lives for them.

The advice to restructure the family schedule remains the same, OP. If you're too worn down to feel sexy, fix that first.

You’re never unreasonable to have feelings. If you’re upset, you’re upset.
If you don’t feel he’s being clear enough, ask him to clarify.
You don’t have to put yourself down in the process of asking him either.
He’s your husband , the father of your kids. if you don’t feel like you’re pulling equal weight at home you can say this too.
Just be direct.

This ⬆️

But it'll be a comfortable 16.

I'm hoping that somewhere out there, the husband is posting his side of the story on an 'Am I The Asshole?' chat. Yes sir, you absolutely are, albeit possibly unawares (bc let's face it, not all partners are very good at empathy and are a bit f*ing ignorant about what their other halves are putting in whilst they polish their Stravas).

OP, you are NOT being unreasonable. I'm really sorry. Please accept this virtual hug. Xxx