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Original poster

To be so upset by DH comments?

135 replies

Mamagonemad · 28/08/2026 21:33

Looking for some perspective as I don’t know if I am being oversensitive and I should just forget it. Apologies in advance for such a long post.

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have 3 DC under 12. Most of the housework and childcare falls on me and I also work part-time, and have taken on a lot more work recently. I’ve been on medication for depression and anxiety for a few years now and struggle with the overwhelm of the kids.

DH is very active and spends a lot of time exercising. I do not and this has been a long running issue. I am always tired by the evening and do not have much ‘me time’.

Over the last year or so I have put on weight and am around a dress size more than is normal for me. I am conscious of this but it feels a lot at the moment to overcome.

A few weeks ago, after a week of pretty much silence from him, DH told me that he felt sad about our lack of affection, and felt I didn’t make an effort anymore, etc. I reassured him that I still found him attractive and explained that I am exhausted and overwhelmed by the time it comes to the evening but that I would try harder and be more conscious.

Over the next couple of weeks, I felt self-conscious and a bit anxious so a week ago in bed, I asked him if it was when I wore certain things or if he found me unattractive all of the time, referencing our previous conversation. He said ‘what I said was that I didn’t think being attractive mattered to you anymore’. I said it does matter to me, I’m conscious that I’m too fat and that I plan to be really strict with myself going forward. He didn’t say anything in reply and after a while fell asleep. I couldn’t sleep for hours after that and I’ve been feeling awful ever since. I don’t want him to see me getting undressed and I can’t bring myself to be affectionate with him, etc. I don’t know how to move on from this.

I don’t know if I am being oversensitive and unreasonable to feel so upset and to not be close to him.

Sorry for such a long post!

OP posts:
InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 31/08/2026 17:50

Carve out time in the mornings and have him take on the morning childcare / house work?

Fortheloveoffrogs · 31/08/2026 17:52

Morepositivemum · 31/08/2026 17:47

Daisywhatsyouranswer
But you said you could do this some evenings but don’t wish to?

Thats the enigma of the daily grind, you want a break so everyone says ‘how about you get out more?’ but you’re on the floor exhausted or you come home to the worst mess so you stay home where there’s always something that needs to be done, and someone asking for something or they essentially put a timer on you and do the ‘tiptoe around while mammy gets a rest’ but someone is saying ‘when is she done?’ or ‘do you mind if I go here in an hour!’ so you’re on a timer!!! And then they say

you need morning stuff op, a morning walk, a hair appointment, a lie in with a book, a long shower. Water and sleep! And you need to use the words ‘can someone put the rubbish out? Can everyone take the sheets off their beds?’ Etc etc. including your dh so ‘could you just go do x or y?’

‘Can someone put the rubbish out?’ - meaning her DH? 😂

I agree - morning might be the way forward - although only if she doesn’t have to come back and still do ‘ALL THE THINGS’.

MrsWallers · 31/08/2026 17:54

Can you prioritise doing something for yourself in the morning, a strength training/body pump class? Everything else will always be there. I absolutely prioritise getting some exercise or fresh air every day. I am much happier for it and you literally cant buy good health. Being tired with young children is normal people used to say to me how do you do it, I just get on the treadmill and start running was my response. My husband is fab but most men will take the p* if you let them. We have definitely had words about his priorities etc but letting him not support you in this area isn’t helping your marriage is it?

Morepositivemum · 31/08/2026 17:55

Fortheloveoffrogs

yes I possibly phrased it wrong but actually going passive aggressive and asking that way might be a win😉😅

Dozer · 31/08/2026 17:56

He wants and has received: leisure time and for you to do most of his share of parenting & domestic work.

He now wants you to: return to the weight you were and frequency of sex you had before you were doing his share. And is making nasty, negging comments.

His wants are unfair and sexist.

morgan56 · 31/08/2026 18:01

Ouch his comment was probably even worse than what you thought he meant initially.
FWIW you can still be overweight / larger but still very attractive. Do you still make an effort to be presentable even at a weight you’re not comfortable with? Or have you given up completely, not wearing make up, not doing hair and dressing in whatever?
( I know it’s hard when you feel uncomfortable in your body to want to do these things but does make all the difference to the outside world)

thestudio · 31/08/2026 18:01

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/08/2026 21:35

Perhaps he could have been more diplomatic but what did you expect asking these questions? I suspect this is more about your self confidence than your actual weight.

I suspect this is more about your selfish exploitative husband than your weight.

Italiangreyhound · 31/08/2026 18:03

OP you are perfectly sufficient. I am sure you are cracking but life and your dh's fucking laziness have worn you down.

I think you need to find a more even devision of labour in the family. So, you have more time for yourself.

Re "If he did more around the house then it wouldn’t necessarily have to be late evening. It could be over dinner time etc. Also I’d feel less overwhelmed and more likely to have the energy." Please do tell your dh this.

Make a choice not to assume your dh doesn't find you attractive. Work on your self esteem. I agree with others one dress size is not a big issue.

You have had three babies, and are caring for three kids. That can take it's toll on the body. Make time for yourself. Get your husband on board. It would be easy to think your husband is a selfish pig, and he might be, but also it might be you have both fallen into roles. He works full-time and keeps fit, and you work part-time and do everything else. That is not fair.

likelysuspect · 31/08/2026 18:07

Fortheloveoffrogs · 31/08/2026 17:44

NO! He shouldn’t need a list. He doesn’t need a list at work. He’s competent. He needs to step up.

Show quote history

Exactly, she isnt his manager or project manager. Get him to write a list of his share of the household stuff that needs doing and tell him to pick which days he is going to do these things.

ec5881 · 31/08/2026 18:11

This sounds v familiar!! Firstly - don’t try to get to the bottom of what he thinks here, that might drive you mad, this is an opportunity to get to the bottom of what you think. Which is that youre fecking exhausted. See the doc! They put me on HRT (blood test came back with nothing but nowadays clued up GPs don’t diagnose on blood tests for hormones that fluctuate wildly even in one day but on symptoms). My doc also doubled the Sertraline just on the weeks between ovulation and menstruation, and both have helped. Next thing is what do you need. Help around the house, proper rest, and something for YOU that builds your confidence. Talk to your husband about this and tell him that you need his support and help in this, as the balance is unhealthy and draining you, and in time it will grow resentment which you want to avoid. Then PLAN in you time - maybe in the morning if you’re too tired by evening. Regular expected slots for you. Sat afternoon meets ups with friends. Things that give you a break before you’re broken and don’t enable him to back out of house responsibilities. The exercise to feel strong and fit will come in time, as will intimacy, but these should not be the leaders - these should happen as symptoms of YOU feeling better about time and energy for yourself and a better balance in the home lifting. It’s time for you to communicate YOUR needs to your husband, the rest will follow, but this is so important. Well done you for a part time job, birthing and raising three kids, and being lovely and considerate. Now is the time to dream for yourself and the rest will follow xxx

OneTipsyDreamer · 31/08/2026 18:12

BigWig78 · 28/08/2026 21:55

Attractive and slim are NOT the same things. My husband is attracted to my personality- the person I am- the things we talk about, my humour, my laugh, the way I am with children and animals, my caring and compassionate nature. Yes he likes my boobs and my bum but whether i am a healthy BMI (which is better for my health I accept) or carrying a few extra pounds or even a stone or two at times (after kids etc) he still fancies me and finds me attractive as I am me and my weight is not my worth.

So when your husband says he doesn’t think you care about being attractive any more that is harsh but perhaps he is actually picking up on you not giving self care to yourself any more. Nothing about sex or his attraction to you- but your care for yourself. You have had depression, you are an overwhelmed mum… you need and deserve some me time - NOT to exercise or go to the gym or diet or whatever but to do something that makes you FEEL good. About yourself. A bath and a book. A coffee alone with a book. A massage or manicure. Take some time to reconnect with who you are now and what you like. And speak to your husband to see how he can support you to have me time and get your mojo back. Forget your weight- it’s a red herring and something else to just punish yourself with or feel bad about. If you concentrate on doing something for yourself for a period each week and build on that o am betting you may find your “attractiveness” returns. I hope so anyway as I’m hoping your husband isn’t just a shallow twat.

I agree with this completely. You need to feel good and you don’t. I would hope it’s more about you not taking care of your whole self not your weight.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 31/08/2026 18:14

God the audacity of this man. His request that you - do most of the domestic work, also do paid work, and most childcare and (I imagine all the emotional admin) and (assunption) whilst he exercises and has his me-time you manage the kids and home. Now, he also wants you to be pretty for him, in a way that works aesthetically for him.

Had he said "I notice you're not your usual self, and your mh isn't great and I wonder if you need more space and time to focus on healthy habits - how do I help you" then that comes from a place of care for your overall wellbeing. He isn't saying that though, he's saying "make an effort for my eyes".

It's up to you how you move forward, but you'd have 50% of your life back if you weren't married anymore and he shared custody. Then you'd have every other week totally free to do whatever you wish. He'd not be able to go for a run or to the gym though, because he'd have to care for his children a hell of a lot more than he currently does. Or, if he actually wants to support you, he could pick up more at home and with the kids, help you find exercise that helps, meal-plan healthy recipes and cook them for you/the family etc etc

MyrtleLion · 31/08/2026 18:17

Mamagonemad · 31/08/2026 13:08

If he did more around the house then it wouldn’t necessarily have to be late evening. It could be over dinner time etc. Also I’d feel less overwhelmed and more likely to have the energy.

Show quote history

Sexiest thing he can do is take the domestic tasks away from you and do them properly.

If he can't see that, then he is only thinking about himself and his needs, not you, your needs and supporting the children.

moodybluehpc · 31/08/2026 18:21

Tell him he's not body beautiful himself but you wouldn't hurt his feelings by saying so

Cars4Gov · 31/08/2026 18:25

How old are you? If it's peri then ADs won't be the solution long-term and many GPs are dismissive and prescribe ADs

Will the children be back at school soon and will you have free time then? Restoring your health isn't short time, it will take a little while and focus on yourself. Could you get away for a weekend, solo?

Livelovebehappy · 31/08/2026 18:27

You will always get people on here saying ‘my dh finds me attractive whether I’m 8 stone or 18 stone’ but I I think if we’re honest, most men do not find overweight women attractive. Men will say this to be nice and respectful, and to not be unkind. Which is lovely. But please don’t pretend that most husbands are really okay with it. Because they’re not. One dress size does make a difference. I’ve been there when I was size 16 and then went up to 18 after my DCs were born. It’s very obvious on photos. I’m a 14 now, but have to work hard to keep at 14. I think though that OPs dh was a bit clumsy and tactless in how he said what he wanted to say, but it’s healthy surely for a couple to be open and honest rather than keep quiet and just check out eventually.

Pinkissmart · 31/08/2026 18:31

Well, seems like you have the green light to prioritise time for self care. I would suggest a gym membership with classes included, and book sessions which start right after/ around dinner. Let him do the bedtime routine while you go to the gym for a class or a session in the sauna.

I would suggest at minimum 2x per week

MojoMoon · 31/08/2026 18:32
  1. Talk to your doctor and consider whether medication needs changing and ask about HRT.
  2. Your husband needs to do more at home both physcally and by taking responsibility and organising certain things
  3. Why does he get to make you feel bad? Why shouldn't he feel bad about being a selfish husband? Why should be a dress size bigger matter but not doing a fair share of domestic labour and not taking care of your partner be acceptable?
  4. Take that sense of outrage at the unfairness and take it to couples therapy where you learn to say "I don't find you attractive when you treat me like a housekeeper and do not show me respect"
  5. You need to carve out time for yourself in the mornings. Your husband needs to plan and execute one morning per week to start with. A weekday or a weekend, whatever works for you. You are going to go out at 7 or 8 am, whatever works for you. But not the gym for some sense of punishing yourself for not being a size 8. Just out. Wherever. A cafe for breakfast. A walk with a friend. A walk on your own. A haircut. A swim. Get used to the concept of time for yourself but not in a way that is a "punishment" for being slightly larger than you uses to be. Everyone gets used to this. You start doing two mornings per week. Perhaps that then involves some exercise but because you want to, not because you must suffer
thegrumblingkitten · 31/08/2026 18:37

Why is he not doing more at home?

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 31/08/2026 18:51

Pinkflamingo10 · 28/08/2026 21:46

One dress size is hardly noticeable? and you’ve had three kids. And as you say yourself you have no “me time”
be kind to yourself. Perhaps start carving out some me time.
if your husband gets child-free gym and exercise hours every week do you get the same ?! Easy for him to stay in shape if he’s always child-free at the gym and hasn’t used his body to grow three humans.

Totally spot on…..you need some free time my love…and that’s a very small ask from you !! X

Gengha · 31/08/2026 19:10

Start going out and leaving the kids with him so he gets less time to exercise.

My husband is a cyclist and he worked long hours evenings, weekends and it was just kind of taken for granted that if he ever did get a Sunday off for example he’d be off gallivanting on his bike and I’d yet again be in with the kids. He used to go on at me about exercise, although to be fair not my size or attractiveness

Pricks

Italiangreyhound · 31/08/2026 19:12

ec5881
"This sounds v familiar!! Firstly - don’t try to get to the bottom of what he thinks here, that might drive you mad, this is an opportunity to get to the bottom of what you think.'

Thus excellent advice, work out what you think.

And...

"Next thing is what do you need. Help around the house, proper rest, and something for YOU that builds your confidence. Talk to your husband about this ..."

And

"It’s time for you to communicate YOUR needs to your husband, the rest will follow, but this is so important. Well done you for a part time job, birthing and raising three kids, and being lovely and considerate. Now is the time to dream for yourself and the rest will follow."

  • great advice too.

Being confident and knowing what you need can be very appealing. I sincerely hope yoir husband will jump on board.

BillieWiper · 31/08/2026 19:21

He didn't say you were always unattractive to him. You projected that on him. And when you asked that question you were fishing for a negative answer to reinforce your poor self esteem.

How would you feel if you told someone you felt like they didn't make much an effort and there wasn't enough affection, and at the time they didn't really respond. Then weeks later they raised the subject in bed but twisted it round to ask if you thought they were hideous all the time, or just wearing certain clothing?

FannybygaslightinGovan · 31/08/2026 19:37

Your H is a useless prick.

Tell him you'd find him more attractive if he pulled his weight with the housework, parenting and mental load.

He's a lazy bastard who wants you to do everything and still rock up looking like a sex goddess. FUCK THAT!!!

NewHere83 · 31/08/2026 20:03

I've had similar conversations with my husband. I've said to him "do you think it's ok if I don't wear makeup to this thing?" And he'd get a little shitty. Which is weird as he doesn't like a lot of makeup we ended up talking about it as I felt like he was saying "you don't look ok without makeup on". Turned out he felt like I was saying "it's ok if I don't make an effort isn't it?". He doesn't mind whether I wear makeup, he does care that I care. He has a particular turn off /concern with women who've given up after seeing his friends mum neglect him as a child while depressed. He gets similarly triggered if I'm in bed during the daytime for similar reasons.

I think your husband was pretty clear - he doesn't think you're not attractive (altho you seem to have taken that as the feedback) - he thinks you've stopped caring about being attractive. Do you brush your hair? Wash properly? Trim your nails? Change out of lounge wear? These things are all hard to do when you're chronically depressed so I'm not blaming you if you don't, but I think your husband is expressing concern at the state of your mental health, not your weight.