To be so upset by DH comments?

I have had two episodes in my life where I have taken anti-depressents, they worked and I felt much better.
BUT I also found that when planning another baby and I began taken pre natal vitamins then pregnancy ones and then throughout breastfeeding I found they had the same effect, I felt sooooo much better on the vitamins so assume I was lacking in all sorts. I also had several blood tests where I was anaemic and had shockingly low vitamin D. I had to take tablets of 20000 units to get it back up. I literally felt reborn. I’m waffling but I would certainly get your levels checked and perhaps that is the reason for how you’re feeling, we aren’t always depressed or anxious as we are often labelled.

More recently I have taken up exercising, nothing intense just yet but I started with walking. I’ve always loved walking and did lots but the past 6 months I’ve been quite sedentary and eaten a lot of crap and I’ve actually gained some noticeable weight. I wasn’t happy so I stopped eating crap, far less sugar, swapped rubbish snacks like biscuits and chocolate for yoghurt and fruit or hummus and veg etc and consistently drunk water. THE DIFFERENCE! I am shocked. I only started end of May and I can’t believe it, my energy levels are up, my skin looks so much better and I’m already looking slimmer and toning back up. I also got myself some dumbbells (only 1kg and 3kg, nothing crazy) and I do a short arm workout most days (sometimes 10 mins, sometimes 20).

Honestly, on an evening, make yourself get up and go out for a brisk 20/30 minute walk and do it as often as you can. I’m now walking 45mins/1hr every single night and doing my home workouts. Once kids return to school I’m planning to check out my local gym classes and I’ve found a reformer Pilates place I want to try.

I know exactly what you mean about not having the energy, I have very challenging/draining circumstances at home so I have totally had to make myself do this and there’s times I just do not want to but the benefits have been so worth it.

I’ve even got myself a fitness watch to track everything and I love trying to beat my records etc.
please give it a go and I promise you’ll feel so much better, not even just for weight loss but I feel happier and brighter and far more positive! And do it for yourself not for your husband. It’s awful to feel unhappy but what I’ve done has really started to make a difference. Give it a go. You deserve ‘me time’ but you have to take it! Make yourself take it.

But you said you could do this some evenings but don’t wish to?

This with bells on.

I think when having these discussions and him implying he doesn’t find her attractive, he could have done more to reassure her he loves her and will support her more

He could be cheating and this is way of making himself feel better about it by projecting his "guilt" onto you. If you've been married for 20+ years then you need to sit him down and say I'd feel better about myself if I had the time for leisure activities etc... you seem to prioritise his feelings over your own? Apologies if I am wrong. If you don't have a more honest conversation with him then things won't get better.

OP, I do feel for you 🌷

Have you tried talking therapy? I was wondering if maybe this could be more effective in helping you regain your sense of self than anti depressants (or anti depressants alone)?
It might also help you with communication with your husband- it makes me feel sad reading your descriptions as he doesn’t sound like he’s always very kind and it sounds like you struggle to assert yourself or stand up for yourself?

Going out to see someone weekly/fortnightly would also be good practise for both you and your husband at him holding the fort and you doing something for yourself.

I would also suggest assigning an evening (a couple of evenings ideally) during the week where he gets back and takes over with kids and cooking dinner. This could be official self care time when you have a bath and read or do whatever you like to relax/feel yourself. A face mask, an exercise video, some gardening, whatever.

Jeez, do you really think this is at all helpful to OP who is feeling down and upset? Does she really need to add the worry that her husband is cheating on her on top everything else? After 20 years together and with young kids it's quote normal to hit a phase where you take each other a bit for granted and forget that life is more than just logistics. They need a shake up, but it's not helpful to start becoming suspicious.

I wondered that a few years on these drugs isn't good for your energy levels. I'd go back to the GP and look at other solutions one of which is exercise.

Does being attractive matter to you? Or does it only matter because it matters to your DH? I think knowing where you stand personally on this queston will help you think about it with a clearer mind.

I stopped caring about being attractive about twelve years ago. Now I aspire be clean, well-groomed, and well-dressed, but I have no interest in attracting anybody.

You should have a conversation with him about changing the child-load and house-work load to free up some time for you to go to the gym.

Well she’s married, most people want their spouse to think they are attractive.

Then ask him to make dinner? Can I ask gently does this feeling also occur during term time, how many days a week do you work?

I agree, he needs to step up and be a partner instead of playing the teenage boy that is free to go and do as he likes

he needs to start on the mental load and doing half the housework

then maybe you'll want to have sex with him rather than the teenage boy you have to look after (who wants to be mother in bed)

Some of the conversation doesnt make sense but ultimately I suppose he is saying you've let yourself go a bit

And for those saying 1 dress size doesnt make much of a difference, it certainly does, it means your clothes dont fit, you're busting out of them, its uncomfortable, you feel bloated, have bits of flesh where you didnt before

Im in the same boat, I need to get back to the size I was last year and determined to make some changes. Its very hard.

If you believe they don't work for anyone then no one is comfortable telling you how bad their depression is without them! From the sounds of it you'd be shocked.

Lots of women in perimenopause are incorrectly prescribed anti depressants. Blood tests aren’t conclusive in perimenopause as your hormones can change from hour to hour.

At peak peri, if I hadn’t been for my 8yo I couldn’t have gone on. I was fobbed off by my GP who said at 40 I was too young and come back when my periods changed.

I got a second opinion and so pleased because HRT has been literally life changing.

Hope I’ve not derailed the topic but I wish I’d have known that if you think you’re in peri, you probably are.

It’s time to prioritise yourself. Tell DH you are doing this and what is required of him to facilitate:

e.g. book yourself in at the hairdressers, tell DH he will need to watch the kids Saturday 2-5pm.

Have a long shower/ bath, shave or wax everywhere, put on your favourite body lotion or fake tan, DH will need to do bedtime/ bath time/ dinner that night.

Do you wear make-up/ use skin care/ have perfume? If not, now is the time to get yourself a few bits, if necessary ask DH to pay as an early bday/ Xmas gift. He can’t possibly refuse, because after all this is what he wanted, and looking nice requires time and money.

Your house work split isn’t fair to you. You are effectively doing two jobs whilst he does 1.

What housework does he so on his days off?

On his day off he should do the cleaning and cooking. Give him a list if you have to but leave the house, go for a walk, go to the gym.

It's fairly normal for women to gain weight in perimenopause - a combination of lower estrogen, and the stress (cortisol) of that life stage. I think your husband is NOT a prince among men for criticising you for being a normal perimenopausal woman. Also, your stress (cortisol) might be lower if you had time to rest and if your husband wasn't making negative remarks about your body.

Why does your husband get to go out to exercise while you spend all your energy on the mundane tasks of serving the family? Maybe he should be the one to stay home and look after everyone's needs in the evenings and YOU should go get to go out to the gym??? Or, how about you exercise in the mornings, when you have the most energy, and just rest in the evenings? Would you need childcare to do that? Sounds like your husband might have to consent to you both paying for some childcare in the mornings so you can look after your body!

Re exercising, I understand you are tired but exercise is truly necessary to set you up for a healthy older age. My favorite guru on women's health is Dr. Stacy Sims. You can look up lots of her videos on youtube. The short answer is you probably don't need to do as much exercise as you think, but you do need to be lifting weights to set yourself up for a healthy menopause. It needs to take some priority in your life. The children will be ok even if they don't do an activity after school every single weekday, but if you are having falls when you are 60 because you didn't do strength-training in your 30s, 40s, and 50s, then your whole family will suffer.

Well, automatically doubling a dose of antidepressants doesn’t seem like good doctoring to me. A few enquires into why the original dose isn’t working would suit me better.

However, to your second point there, Would using a period tracker or something to measure your husbands input into family life vs your mood show anything interesting? There wouldn’t be a correlation, would there?

OP please read or listen to Fair Play by Eve Rodesky. It’s a short easy listen/read.

Then get him to.

You don’t have a weight problem. You don’t have a mood problem. You have a useless husband problem. You should both have equal self care and leisure time.

If the above book doesn’t shift the balance to a more equal partnership then you might be better off without him.

He should make you feel cherished.

I have to say that I feel quite angry with him. He’s used your free labour (childcare for his kids, cleaning the house he lives in, probably cooking for him, doing his laundry, washing his pots) etc and you are worn out (do keep pushing the peri journey with the GP btw) and too tired to get out and do anything. Your body is showing the stress and he’s judging you for it rather than caring for you. My guess is he works, exercises, sees friends and ‘helps’ around the house.

The thing that his hobbies/exercise represent is a freedom you don’t have. You prioritise DC and family life. What would happen if you took up a new hobby?

Watch The Becky Eckle on SM and help yourself to stand back from it.

NO! He shouldn’t need a list. He doesn’t need a list at work. He’s competent. He needs to step up.

Totally agree with the poster above. Your 'd'h is the issue. If you shared the load equally and had equal leisure time, would you still feel as low as you do? Would you have time to eat well and exercise and come back to a size you're more comfortable with? I'm guessing the answer is yes. I am so sick of reading on here about men who happily let their wives suffer to give themselves an easy life. You deserve better.

Daisywhatsyouranswer
But you said you could do this some evenings but don’t wish to?

Thats the enigma of the daily grind, you want a break so everyone says ‘how about you get out more?’ but you’re on the floor exhausted or you come home to the worst mess so you stay home where there’s always something that needs to be done, and someone asking for something or they essentially put a timer on you and do the ‘tiptoe around while mammy gets a rest’ but someone is saying ‘when is she done?’ or ‘do you mind if I go here in an hour!’ so you’re on a timer!!! And then they say

you need morning stuff op, a morning walk, a hair appointment, a lie in with a book, a long shower. Water and sleep! And you need to use the words ‘can someone put the rubbish out? Can everyone take the sheets off their beds?’ Etc etc. including your dh so ‘could you just go do x or y?’