To think friendship is hard for childless/childfree women

I don't think it is any different for those that have children. Many women are lonely and would love to spend more time with friends. Unfortunately they're often just too exhausted to notice that they've not caught up with friends. It doesn't mean they don't want to, many just struggle to find the time or energy that they need to do it justice. They probably have the perception that those that are child free are out enjoying themselves the same way you all did in the past.

Your observation about dads' social lives suggests that mum's aren't socialising not because children are quite as all encompassing as people here are saying, but because they're partnered to shitheads.

I daresay there's quite a few mums who CHOOSE not to socialize

The not blaming your friend bit is important here.

I’m sure some of my friends with kids will say I dumped them when they had kids. I didn’t. I wanted to keep up communication with them, I wanted to still go to dinner with them, I accepted that some times we would have to do things with their kids. But if our relationship requires me meeting you at soft play and having our interactions interrupted every 3 minutes by toddlers, then that’s not a relationship that’s fair to me.

I had a miscarriage and couldn’t tell my friend or lean on her for support because I couldn’t speak to her without her 5 year old present. She was there for every phone call and every in person catch up, and so I felt like I couldn’t mention it as I didn’t want to explain what was happening to a child, so even though I was physically miscarrying while we were getting coffee I couldn’t share how I was feeling.

I did back off from the relationship after that, as I actually needed to invest time in building other relationships and a mutual support network that she wasn’t willing to part of (because she couldn’t ever meet up without her child).

I do always wonder what the other side of the story is to people who get “dumped” by their friends after they have kids, and wonder how much they have in fact dumped their childless friends because their priorities have changed and they are no longer willing to make time for child free interactions.

I do have other friends with kids where we do a combination of kid free and kid friendly meet ups, including going to their house for a take away when the kids are in bed - so it’s doable if the parents are willing to make it happen!

exactly. it's always "how can I possibly leave the children when I have to do EVERYTHING and can't possibly be away from them because they need ME.

Well if you're breastfeeding, yes. fair enough. but even when DS was small, and medically complex, even when we had him and twins, they didn't always need ME, because I had a partner who worked full time but was also a parent. he could do bed time once in a while, or look after the kids for a few hours.
the number of posts on this forum where it's " well he can manage one but I couldn't leave him with two, he'd never cope!".
that is the problem, your lazy ass partner or your refusal to let them do their jobs.

parenting can be all consuming. I remember crying into the dark that the babies cried to spite me. i have periods where I wouldn't even contemplate leaving my house to do anything else than parent. but if you have a partner and you don't have time to do anything except parent hom and your kids, then that isn't healthy and it is something you can choose to rebalance.

I'm sure that's true, but I'm also sure that men aren't inherently more sociable.

It does get easier! I'm in my early 40s and over the last few years, my friends with children have begun to have much more bandwidth now that their children are in school. It's much easier to spend time together and while of course their children are still a huge focus (as they should be!), we're able to make space for other topics and relationships as well. I remember being really down about this in my late twenties and through my thirties, but it was worth understanding that their lives had changed and trusting them that it wouldn't be like this forever. And it's not. There are so many seasons of life. It does get so much easier.

They probably feel the same about you! Before they are able to even leave the house they have already juggled a lot of logistics for what is often a small window of freedom followed by being back ‘on’ the second they return.

I completely empathise with OP and a few others on here. I’m childfree and the last one of my friends had a baby last year, it is a very lonely place to be in for people like us. A former friend was resentful of my childfree by choice status and after failing to plant the seeds of doubt in my mind over my decision, resorted to sly immature digs about it. As a woman we are othered for not having children whether it is by choice or circumstance.

The best and easiest times for friendship in my experience are before and after having children as children are a huge consumer of resources - time and energy. I’d suggest investing in friendships with people who don’t have kids or whose kids are grown up. Be open to age gap friendships which can be really wonderful.

Well, congratulations 🥳 what an outstanding human you must be.

Some of us lead very busy lives and don’t live by our mobile phones.

@User3353821614 - it really wasn't meant to be a boast of any sort so I don't understand your response. I do live an incredibly busy life and I very much don't live by my phone. As above, I've got a really busy job and two kids. But when I do pick up my phone, I go through my messages and respond to those from people I care about. I think that not doing this is rude? And if a friend of mine didn't respond to my messages, I'd assume she wasn't that interested in my friendship.

I'm obviously not talking about in acute times of crisis, if you've had a death in the family or some terrible news or similar. But having a job and children isn't an excuse for ignoring friends, and a quick WhatsApp message doesn't take long.

I know you meant no disrespect but some people are incapable of having it together even those without stressful jobs and even children.

For example , my little brother cannot understand why I become so overwhelmed despite having no kids and I try to explain that, that's one of the reasons I didn't want kids because I am aware enough to know I wouldn't cope.