AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

So do I. But THEY shouldn’t assume that.

If you look to the law, if it's a safeguarding concern, there is no guarantee of confidentiality.

That's about the obligation on teachers and so on to report it to the appropriate authority if someone discloses a safeguarding concern to them. It's not giving you permission to tell your husband if someone makes a disclosure to you!

why not ? like every relationship there are conditions and assumptions that come along with being a 'friend' in order to be catagerorised as that rather than a stranger , just like there are assumptins associated with romantic relationships . its not a stretch or unreasonable that theres an assumption of trust and confidence in a friendship.

Looking at it from the other side, I once had a boyfriend who told me absolutely everything that crossed his mind.
He would share things about his exes and things I suspect were told to him by his friends in confidence.

Not only did I deduce that he couldn't be trusted and had no tact, he was boring as fuck.

I don't give a shit if your best mate got a bj round the back of the club last week.

Of course, and they should absolutely assume their confidence won’t be broken outside of a marriage. But to assume the spouse won’t be told is an assumption too far. They can ask that they are not told, but not assume or expect them not to be.

Your friends shouldn’t assume you can keep their worries/concerns private?

I see this often, and genuinely don't understand it.

Why do you need to 'talk through' what a friend has told you with your husband; instead of talking it through with the friend?

What special talking through does he provide?

They can assume they’ll be kept private from everyone other than my husband. If they don’t want him to know, they have to tell me that.

Same the other way round. I don’t assume they won’t tell their spouse.

I would tell dh things I’ve been told in confidence, but then I know 100% that he won’t blab.

Really interesting observation.

You shouldnt presume people are separate entities who undetstand boundaries rather than enmeshed blabbermouths?

I’m v disappointed that the poll’s 50:50 atm. I expected 80:20 yanbu. I’m happily married 30 years and wouldn’t break my friends’ confidences in order to connect with my husband, and suspect he’d think less of me if I did.

It’s really not. It’s an ‘observation’ from someone who doesn’t understand it.

Every single woman on this thread who tells her partner stuff that she's been told by a friend in confidence is a disloyal, untrustworthy piece of shit in my opinion and doesn't deserve friends.

Totally agree.
These posters who share their friends' confidences have no idea that their dh probably doesn't care and is just being polite.
Or good actors.

They shouldn't have to do that work though, that's on you to ask, not on them to pre-empt. Think about what you're actually asking of people, that every time they want to tell you something personal, they have to first weigh up whether this is a "tell my husband too" topic or not, and then find the words to explicitly say "please keep this between us", which is honestly such an awkward, uncomfortable thing to have to say out loud to a friend. It puts all the emotional labour and the risk on them, when you're the one who's their friend, not him.
A private conversation with just you, when your husband isn't even in the room, is not some wild assumption to make. That's not a stretch, that's just what a one on one conversation with a friend normally means to most people. You don't get to quietly extend that to someone who isn't even present just because you're married to them.
Your friends haven't consented to him knowing everything by default. That's not how consent works, honestly it's a bit fucked that you think it should just be accepted as that

Ironic that you think he won't blab when you are confident that he does blab about all his friends business to you.

Just to clear something up first, that's not actually what I said. I wasn't saying "lots of comments agreeing = important, lots of poll votes = doesn't matter", that's not the equivalence I was making at all. What I was pointing out is that people in this thread have said, in their own words, that this kind of thing has actually hurt them, that's real testimony, and I don't think a poll saying "X% think it's fine for a friend to tell their husband" cancels that out or makes it not true. Those are just two different things, one's people's opinion on what's normal, the other is people telling you the impact it's had on them.
And separately, the other point I was making, which I think got a bit lost, is that even if it turned out this was what happened in every single marriage, universally, that still wouldn't make it decent. That was never really about your specific friendship, even though yes, I was replying to you directly so it came across that way. It was more a general point about "common" and "okay" not being the same thing.
On the trustworthy bit, I don't think that's a snide dig, I think it's just accurate. If you tell your husband things a friend has told you in confidence, then by definition you're not someone that friend can trust with confidences, that's not me being superior, that's just what the word means.
If you're saying that within your specific circle, everyone genuinely knows the score and nobody there would ever feel hurt by it, fine, I believe you, that's your dynamic and I can't argue with your own friends' feelings on it. I still personally find it a bit baffling, I don't really get how a friendship works without some expectation of privacy, and if me saying that comes across as judgemental or superior fine, but that wasnt my intention and it's not meant as an attack on you as a person. Other people in this thread have shared that it's actually caused them real hurt though, and i was trying to say that's worth sitting with and recognisng regardless of how your (or one's) own circle feels.
Also, genuinely, happy to step back from going back and forth directly with you if you'd rather, I can see how it might feel like a bit of a pile on given how many times I've replied to your comments specifically, and that's honestly not the intention, I don't think you're a horrible person at all. I just feel pretty strongly about the actual issue, that's all this has been.

Doesn't he also blab about what his friends tell him?

I just don't understand it.

I remember being a primary school and fell out big time with my best friend. For a split second, it occurred to me I could tell everyone all the secrets she'd ever shared with me to get back at her and immediately realised that would be a really shitty thing to do.

I know those aren't the circumstances in which people are talking about sharing things on here but it was really obvious to me that, at the age of about 9 or 10, if someome tells you something believing that it's told in confidence, you don't break it.

Things that have been part of a wider conversation that multiple people know about and aren't 'private' fair enough but you haven't been trusted with the information then.

Do they know they have to tell you that?

This I tell my dh everything because he can provide insight stuff is often nonsense.

What possible insight can he provide (unless a doctor) into a friend's perimenopausal issues, for example?

It's just an excuse to blab.

I suspect these men who get told every little thing are just zoning out half the time. 'Yes, dear.' kind of thing.

What man with his own problems and things to do cares about his wife's friend's peri issues?

If I blabbed about a friend's peri issues to my dh (not that I would!) my dh would tell me not to betray a friend's confidence and what the heck I expected him to do about it.
Not in a nasty way but he wouldn't mince his words.

Because the friend is the one at the centre of the problem. She is the one suffering with grief/trauma/possible terminal illness....It is not her role to support me by helping me talk through the situation. It is not her role to give me a shoulder to cry on. It is my role to support her. And my husband's role to support me.

And even with something a little less serious (though I thought we were primarily talking about serious personal problems here) there is a big difference between talking through the situation from her point of view to help her, and talking it through from my point of view to help me.

Why do you need to tell your dh about less serious stuff?

Isn't he a bit fed up of this?

It’s soo bizarre right 😂 they must be those couples who have ran out of things to talk about so live on these little bits of “gossip”if you can even call such mundane stuff gossip