AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

No they don't!

Abhorrent is reserved for serial killers and child abusers and the like not adulterers ffs.

Most people are grown up enough to realise that marriages are complicated.

Only a very immature unsophisticated person would say:
Cheated on person: good
Cheater: bad.

It's really fucking childish to think otherwise.

I'll also add that for all your bandying about the words patriarchy and misogyny if we were all like you and considered adultery 'morally abhorrent' it is US WOMEN who would get the shitty end of the stick, not men.

I've had enough of this now. In all honesty I think you need to grow up on this particular issue.

yep

Really? Having a modicum of moral integrity is childish? That's a new one on me. And for most of history, it's men who have cheated on women with impunity while women have been punished for it, so to say you'd be 'proud' of your husband for supporting his cheating friend is just a continuation of patriarchy and misogyny.

If we're being honest, then I think you're just a cheater looking to justify your actions. I can't understand why you'd be so het up, otherwise.
Regardless, it is very off-topic, so I'm happy to agree to disagree.

It's childish to call it morally abhorrent.

If we went down the road where it actually were viewed as 'morally abhorrent' (which as I've already explained it is not as adultery is viewed by anybody who has not got a completely childish view of relationships as not as simply: adulterer - bad, cheated on person-good) then it is us women who would bear the brunt of this.

We would be the ones hounded for our 'sins' not men who would continue to cheat with impunity.

How do I know this? By comparing the way women are treated when they commit adultery to the way that men are treated in countries that are patriarchal and misogynistic.

I'm not a cheat. I just can't stand hyperbole.

Nobody sensible thinks adultery is on the same level as rape or murder ffs.
Nobody.

I think most people tell their partners, unless sworn to absolute secrecy.

Judging by this thread about half do. Which is completely disgusting.

I found out that a colleague certainly took that attitude. We’re in a profession where we are completely used to keeping matters confidential. I told her something (personal to myself rather than relating to a client). A few days later someone else asked about it. She had told her husband, who had told that person. Fortunately I was going to let people know, but I had expected to manage the news my way. Husbands and wives should probably not keep their own secrets from each other, but need to be able to distinguish between those and other people’s confidential information.

Unless it's something horrific then most friends, who usually know DP well, assume it?

I rather doubt they keep it private even if directly asked.

If someone told me something and asked me not to mention it to anyone - it would stay with me - unless they were confessing to murder or child molesting.
If you have to tell somebody something that you want kept secret, get a counsellor.

Are you telling me you'd need someone to actually say the words "don't tell anyone" out loud before you'd know not to repeat something serious and personal to a third party? Blimey. Some of the social awareness bar on this thread is genuinely on the floor.
And the "get a counsellor if you want something kept secret" bit is a bit rich, isn't it, as if wanting to confide in a friend- you know, the actual point of having friends, is some unreasonable ask that should really be outsourced to a paid professional instead. Imagine having a mate tell you something difficult and your instinct being "this should really be going to a counsellor, not me" rather than just, I don't know, being a decent friend about it FFS

Well clearly, telling a good friend didn't work for the poster. If I want something kept secret, I keep it to myself. This poster thought it was safe with her friend, it wasn't.

Yes , the OPs friend was being a bad friend ....
I just didnt know so many women were!
Do you really not have friends you trust with your private stuff, that you can talk things through with, properly, and know it stays between you? That's actually sad if so, and I mean that genuinely, not to be bitchy, but friendship should be able to hold that and its so important to have those sort of relationships imho

I wouldn't lie to my husband but I also wouldn't announce something to him that was shared with me in confidence.
I'm sorry you feel let down by your friend.

For me, I wouldn’t assume it and surprise so many choose to tell their DP other friends’ businesses that have zero effect on their DP.

Why does your DP need to know? Do you have nothing else to discuss? And then if the DP are willing to mention it to your face who else have they mentioned it to?

I screen people over stuff like this. I watch what and who they talk about to others and that tells me all I need to know especially when the person they discuss isn’t around.

Unless someone tells me themselves, it is information I do not think I’m privy to.

Maybe I don't feel the need to share my innermost secrets.

This happened to me. I told a friend something super private, she told her husband and said ‘oh you didn’t mind I told him did you.’ I did actually mind but didn’t say. Needless to say I always did assume everything I said could potentially be shared and kept most things private after that! Honestly it was a major turning point in our friendship as I could never fully trust her after that. You have my sympathies OP!

That's totally fine if that's genuinely you, but it's not some virtue or a sign you're above needing that, which is what your tone's implying, like sharing with a close friend is somehow the lesser, needier option. There's nothing wrong with wanting to share things with someone you trust, that's not a flaw.
And genuinely, it is sad, not in a "pathetic" way, but in a real way, if someone's never had that or doesn't feel it's even possible for them, to not have that kind of closeness, or the option of sharing things safely with a friend. Having a close friendship where you can be open and trust someone isn't oversharing that should be reserved for a therapist, it's actually a pretty normal, healthy thing for people to have, that's not just me saying so, it's fairly well established that having people you can properly confide in is good for you.

I expect my partner to tell me all the juicy secrets and I do the same. We are best mates.

I wouldn’t tell my husband if a friend told me something very personal in confidence cos it’s none of his business. I don’t understand why you would to be honest

God, I hope you’re joking. Please be joking!

Why else would you train your partner to ask follow up questions?!I mean if it's strictly in confidence emotional stuff I will keep it to myself.

Are you even close with your partner if you don't talk about the tea at home?

I wouldn’t tell my husband. In saying that, if I ever tell him something in confidence it’s never mentioned again, unless I bring it up. So I would be confident he wouldn’t let on he knew anything. But, no I wouldn’t pass any of your personal information on to him, there’s no need for him to know.

I can see how it's upsetting to feel you are being talked about by your friend with someone else. As though it's gossip content.

I loathe gossip (it's always toxic) so I wouldn't be sharing a friend's information - it's not my info to share.

A friend telling something in confidence should stay that way. Otherwise it’s simply gossiping about what a friend told you in confidence in my opinion.