AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

So in other words, you are more concerned about things "playing on your mind" than you are about protecting your friends' right to privacy.

Dunno, there's a wide range here I think. There is a lot I wouldn't tell DH because it is physical or personal, ie: a friend having gynae issues I wouldn't mention, or if they disclosed something traumatic. A friend having marital issues I might talk through with him, because his input would be useful to my thought processes about it.

I don't see him as a 'part of me' or whatever, but I do trust him to keep confidences etc so would never pass on or use anything we talked about.

I always assume that people might tell their significant other anything that I tell them. People often want to share 'secrets' they've been told, and may consider their SO a perfect person to share with, without it going any further. Also, many people don't like keeping secrets from their SO.

Personally, I will tell my husband if it's something that's playing incessantly on my mind and bothering me, or something I want another person's opinion on (if it's something major and worrisome) - although it genuinely doesn't go any further than him, as he's not the sort of person to share. He would also never let slip that he knows a thing. Generally speaking, I don't though.

I would always tell my husband. No-one else, just him. And yes, we are one of those couples who don’t keep secrets from each other.

I’ve told him many things friends have shared in confidence over the years, it’s just the way it is. It’s never once caused an issue.

Very perceptive.
10/10.
Of course there's no guarantee the dh will be equally as open.
It's magical thinking.

This is so insightful and I completely agree!

do your friends know you share their confidential/sensitive information with him? If they know and don't care, then no issue I suppose

I’m going to add that my husband would think less of me if I shared something that was extremely personal to a friend. He’d consider me indiscreet and gossipy. And quite frankly he wouldn’t want to know.

And I know that because he just told me!

I agree with you that a lot of those lines get trotted out and it's grim, but I can kind of see where the "I need support to process this too" angle comes from, at least as a human impulse, even though I don't think it makes it okay. Genuinely, if something like that ever came out, I think it needs to go to someone completely separate, someone with zero relationship to your friend, a therapist, a helpline, whoever, not your husband, because even if he's never met her, he now knows by proxy, and that's not nothing. Whether she ever finds out he knows or not doesn't really change that something's shifted that she never agreed to.
And if it absolutely has to be the husband, for whatever reason, then it should be vague at most, and honestly the friend should be told upfront, something like "I'm sorry, I can't sit on this on my own, I do need to talk to my husband about it", so at least she has the choice and the heads up rather than finding out after the fact. Whatever she does with that afterwards is up to her, maybe it damages the friendship, maybe it doesn't, but at least it was her call to make. Not telling her at all and just offloading it anyway is where it tips into betrayal for me.
Not that I'm one of "these women" by the way, playing a bit of devil's advocate here, I'm very much in the don't tell your husband your friend's secrets camp.

Well, if ask your friend if you can discuss her problem with your husband and they agree that would obviously be fine.

But, if you’re so invested in the problem but also can’t be bothered to check with your friend betraying their confidence, you are just gossiping.

You do have a say. You can ask for the OH not to be told.
Most healthily married couples tell each other pretty much everything, and that should be the assumption. If you want something to stay just with the friend, tell them so. Simple.

A friend did this to me and the issue I had with that is her partner was a recognised nasty low life who constantly cheated on her, made her life a misery and turned her children against her. I did not expect her to tell someone like him about my extremely sensitive situation (I’m older and wiser now) and of course he then took great delight in letting me and others know what was going on. We are still friends but I recognise now that she’s not as strong as I thought she was and I’m more careful. Since then I have friends who might disclose secrets to their partners but they’re not absolute arseholes. I guess what I’m saying is it might depend on the sort of person he is. Do you usually get along?

Very many years ago, I trusted a friend with some personal information and she shared it with her husband. Her attitude was the same as your friend's. Now, I simply don't share ANY information with anyone. Sad, but safer.

I really didn't think I needed to spell out that something I told my friend was for her, and only her, not her husband too, and honestly I still don't think I should have to say that explicitly, in principle. But I'll admit, reading through this thread, some people on here really would need to be told outright before it even occurred to them that their friend might not be okay with them sharing it, or would even class it as unreasonable of me to have assumed that in the first place.

In my experience, they would still tell their husband, after promising you not to.

Actually, I've thought about it out of interest, and I've (only) done it three times with close friends that I can think of 🤔

Once when a friend disclosed she was having an affair, something that I didn't ask to know, and which really bothered me thanks to my childhood. We're no longer friends because I distanced myself from her.

The second was when one of my friends told me details about her relationship, which I discovered was abusive. I was concerned about her children, and not sure what was best to do, so talked it through with my husband.

And the last, she had told me about a cancer diagnosis that she didn't want known publicly yet, and my DH noticed I was upset and asked me what was wrong, so I told him the truth.

Generally speaking though, I wouldn't tell him things just for the sake of it. I think it's reasonable for someone to want to seek support or advice from their SO though, if your disclosure impacts on them. Although I do think if a person explicitly asks you to not tell anyone, it's best to keep them anonymous and not tell your DH who said it to you.

It shouldnt be on the friend to have to ask!

I don't tell my husband everything by any stretch, because it's not his business or he's not interested, or because telling him someone else's secret could actually cause harm or difficulty.

But to be honest, once you've told someone, you've broken your own confidence. A secret can only be kept by one person.

My sister is a DV victim from her own husband. Am I supposed to cope with that information and understand how to support her without the help of my husband? I've also told one of a group of four friends from our home area - because the other two are gossips/closely linked to the husband's family, whilst the last I can trust her discretion absolutely. I'm her circle of support, but I need my own too.

If you look to the law, if it's a safeguarding concern, there is no guarantee of confidentiality.

On a much more casual level, I share things about friends in different friend circles who'll rarely or never meet. Sharing within the same circle is very different to sharing in a separate circle, IMO.

Who are these men who give a flying fuck about what their wives’ friends are doing? I’m pretty confident they’re just nodding as you talk at them.

It may not have caused an issue for you. I bet it has for your friends and they probably don’t confide important stuff to you any more. I definitely wouldn’t.

Anyone expecting a confidence should be explicit about its extent. Prevents miscommunication and misunderstandings.

Or you could just say I tell my husband everything you tell me.

I suppose the problem you’ve seen with that is that people will tell you less.

They shouldn’t need to. I always assume that personal stuff my friends tell me is confidential.

Confidence is explicit, it comes in the 'friend' and 'private conversation' part

Anyone remember the 80s sitcom Ever Decreasing Circles?
It featured a couple called Howard and Hilda who wore matching jumpers.

They were smug and shared everything.
Their borg-like oneness provided much hilarity.

Just sayin'.

Yeah as if the husbands want to know about Bev's peri issues.