AIBU? DH and family holiday

But it’s just one Christmas, and they are going to spend the rest of their childhoods splitting between each parent. This wider family holiday for DH is just the first one. This one Christmas and the DC is a teeny tiny immediate small thing, it’s a distraction to what’s the real issue and cause here. Not a selfish shitty Dad and wider family, but a zombie relationship dragging everything and everyone down into its misery. Time to change that up for everyone’s sake, and particularly for the DC.

Any Dad who prioritises a holiday over Christmas with his young children is a selfish, shitty dad.
You only get a certain number of years when Christmas is utterly magical for children. Actively choosing to miss one of those is pretty shit.

I honestly can't believe anyone could have read all of the OP's posts and still written this! Leave aside the OP's illness and it's clear to see that her selfish prick of a husband can't really afford this holiday and seems perfectly happy to abandon his three young children for a week even though he knows the OP will struggle to provide a decent Christmas for them. The OP has also made clear that he hasn't taken on any sort of carer's role as she is still having to shoulder the whole of the domestic burden and I doubt very much that he takes any real interest in family life, because if he did, he would see that a solo holiday at this time is out of the question.

I'm not surprised the OP finds it difficult to love a man who consistently prioritises his own needs and desires over his responsibilities as a husband and father and whines like a spoilt child in order to get his own way. It's no wonder that the that the OP feels really, really angry - who wouldn't feel angry that they have ended up with this totally useless cunt!

Of course I don't know, strange question.

But obviously, if it does solve the problems, then she should get herself on that waiting list. I don't really have a view about the Christmas holiday, but does she expect this man that she despises to become her full time carer forever?

I absolutely agree. People who say “it’s just another day” must give their kids the most boring shit miserable christmas ever. So sad.

Make up his mind for him. No, you stay home with us.

DH would be relieved not to go on holiday with his family lol 😆

No. He doesn't want to leave his children over Christmas. He wants to celebrate his dad's 60th birthday over Christmas. It's very different

The point is that when they seperate it's likely both parents will be missing various xmases with the kids

That is very different to choosing to go on holiday.

If he doesn’t want to leave his children over Christmas then there isn’t a decision to be made is there?
His children should come first. By choosing the holiday he’s making it clear that being at home with his young children on Christmas Day isn’t his first choice.

I didn't discuss or comment on what his first choice is or isn't.

I corrected a misunderstood assumption.

Wanting to do one thing does not automatically mean you don't 'want' to do another. It's not that he wants to leaving his children over Christmas - it's that he wants to celebreyhis dad's 60th over Christmas.

Yes, this impacts other things but those things aren't his wants or 'first choice '. They're a result/consequence

He wants to celebrate his dad's 60th.

Wanting to do something doesn’t mean you can - or should.
They can’t afford it and it means leaving his children at home during Christmas with his wife who is ill.
If he goes on the holiday he’s is a shitty father.

They are getting divorced she hates him and is using him for his money. As she has said, are you not able to read? I really dislike it when people support abusive posters. Look at how disgustedr. She has something that is deeply deliberating, but it's also something that will affect for rest of her life, and as they're getting divorced, they would be spending christmas separate anyway.This is a deeply manipulative person.It's not right, and people should call it out every time they see it. Also, the women are saying that the kids will be deeply traumatised by their father. Missing one Christmas, they need to examine how they're raising their children. How resilient they are and why they would have such a complete psychological breakdown. From this, there would be something wrong with their children. They would be disappointed, but then there would be another Christmas. It doesn't make sense, they just feel like there's some people that are very controlling, and they hide it behind their children. Like this woman's doing, she just doesn't want him to go.That's it.

It's not necessarily even a cure. The tissue grows outside the womb, with endometriosis, that's what causes the problem. So removing the womb isn't necessarily a complete cure and doesn't necessarily lead to a cessation of pain, for everyone. It also causes instant menopause especially if the ovaries are removed too, which can come with it's own set of problems and doesn't mean the patient suddenly becomes a man, with no woman hormones that could affect the endometrial tissue. So it's not always as simple as have hysterectomy/ recover/ everything's fine.

Those who say go stay with family, like it's that simple, have you considered that not all families are that close? Maybe the family wouldn't appreciate a sick OP, a 4yr old, 7yr old and 9yr old to look after over Christmas? It's a big ask, especially when from their perspective she's got a husband who ought to be supporting her. OP said she's shuffling round her house on a desk chair some of the time - so she can't even reliably walk around her own home then. How much use is she realistically going to be looking after the DC? (Sorry OP!). It's great if you've a good family who'd all drop everything for each other when needed, but it's not like that in all families.
I've met plenty of people too, who've gone to the doctor's for help with whatever-they've-got and been faced with "frontline medical staff" like the one who posted here, not taking them seriously and treating them like a drug addict looking for extras because they're in pain and asked for some kind of a solution to that.

Can you get treatment for your condition?

I haven't commented on what type of father he is. Have some people lost the skill of comprehension? Please read what I've said

Endometriosis is notorious for being difficult/ sometimes impossible to treat. And it's also very difficult to treat the pain. For some women, it's like being in active labour for weeks on end.

I’ve rethought my response.

It’s ok for you to leave him, but then decide you need him as a carer (if I’ve read right) but not ok for him to celebrate with his family?

If you did go ahead with the divorce, how would Christmas be split moving forward, alternative years etc? It doesn’t bode well for a happy Christmas for the kids if you don’t want to be with him and will effectively be using him for care and money. My answer would be completely different if you didn’t say you wanted to leave him.

Nonetheless, keep on at your gp for management of your care and a resolution if possible. It doesn’t make for a happy childhood staying together for him being your carer. Resentment will also build on his side.

No, my DH would never consider not being with his kids at Christmas

I get his Dad’s birthday is December, but surely they could have not included Christmas Day

When he said “I don’t know what to do about this holiday” and you told him
to just f-ing go, I think that was out of sheer frustration

What you need to say is ‘you do know what you should do, you just don’t want to!’

As it is looking like you want to separate, I think you getting treatment to help your health is essential

What is happening with your endometriosis?
Are you on a waiting list for a hysterectomy? Can they at least do a D&C meanwhile?

I have read whatever said. You’re using a lot of words to say he wants to celebrate his dad’s 60th. And that he’s entitled to feel that way.

I’m saying so what? In my opinion if he chooses a holiday over Christmas with his children that makes him a shit dad.

So if you got divorced you would never have your kids at Xmas then?

Don't plan on getting divorced - but we would co-parent over Christmas if so

So if you divorced you would leave your current partners to spend Xmas with ex and kids. Yeah right. If if you would you can't guarantee he would. Dream on

No guarantees in life and maybe this hit a sore point for you

Those I know who do this go halves - 1 has Christmas Eve & half Christmas Day, the other has half Christmas Day plus Boxing Day