AIBU? DH and family holiday

Assuming he goes away, have you anyone that will help you?

Mine would go, but he doesn’t care about me at all.

Your selfish DH cannot go and leave you and your DC, they are too young to look after themselves and you are unwell plus there's the money aspect. Perhaps some of the money could be spent on seeing a consultant privately to help you finding help/solution to your medical problem.

Does he expect while he's enjoying his holiday that Christmas should be cancelled for the children, totally bu, tell him he's not going and will make Christmas happen for his children and help you.
Think of what you can organise when feeling better to leave him but in the meantime someone needs to look after the children so make sure he does.
Wishing you well in the future.

I can barely manage taking care of myself some days but somehow I have to figure out with the kids

It's August and she knows she's going to be ill in December. I think that's ill enough for a clearly very selfish man who has goaded her into saying yes, not to swan off on a holiday they can't afford. And leave his kids at Christmas, and the whole run-up to it... for a holiday?! A prince.

My husband wouldn’t do this but he hasn’t had a holiday with his parents since he was a teenager – they’re not close. Can your husband take at least one of the children?

"Time with parents is precious too."

You're right. It is. How will his children feel that their father willingly missed Christmas with them. They'll never forget that they weren't a priority for him, that he chose a 7-day Caribbean Christmas with his parents rather than BEING a caring parent and husband.

FHS, it's Christmas, he has 3 young children, and his wife has been ill and unable to work for months!! He's an absolutely selfish jerk and tbf, his parents don't come out of this looking good, either.

Dh wouldn’t even consider not being with our children over Christmas.

personally I’d be using the time that he is away to sort myself out and to make sure that I don’t need him for anything before ending the relationship . I don’t want to be in a relationship with a selfish man,

i’m not being funny, but if my in-laws wanted to plan their birthdays abroad at Christmas time, I would expect them to bloody pay for their children and grandchildren to go! Maybe that’s entitled I don’t give a toss. They are guaranteed to have more disposable income, I would imagine than their offspring

I think this man sounds uncaring but I also feel it’s up to his parents if they want to celebrate abroad. It’s his 60th so good on him.

OPs husband should have given a firm no and said he can’t possibly leave his unwell wife.

The reason why his family kept asking is probably because he was saying “maybe”.

I also suspect he wouldn’t mind if Op left sadly. I mean we all know men have a terrible record of supporting and sticking with their wives if they fall ill. Obviously some are great in times of sickness, but he doesn’t sound like he’s one of those.

I don’t think it’s fair that he can’t go because of your illness that could effectively put his life on hold for years. His family are right to make plans to go too, and I’m saying this as someone with health issues.

I think the only issue is the cost of your can’t afford it.

Sorry not related to what you're asking but a family member had this condition and had several hormone injections in her abdomen over a period of 2 months and has greatly improved! It might be necessary to go private as the NHS seems to be unable to fund all treatments quickly currently. Good luck.

He’s deprioritising his kids too and I can blame him for that 24 hours a day 7 hours a week.

I think your husband should leave you. It sounds almost abusive the way you're describing the. Relationship, and it doesn't actually make sense what you're saying, it appears that your weaponizing your sickness. There's no reason why one Christmas his dad is 60. Once your kids, kids will have many christmases. You didn't need to make it this emotionally loaded, but it just sounds like you're emotionally manipulative, and this is another way, if you do it, this is the most bizarre thing I've ever read. But even if you're so your sick now, but you're saying you're so sick that you know, you're gonna be sick at closeness, and in the 4 months, there's no way that anyone can help you arrange childcare and you couldn't have had a conversation about that if you couldn't afford to go. That's fine. They're not your parents that the 60th birthday is a big birthday and go on a broadest, fine too. Turn, it would be nice for the kids, but there's no money, and that's it.Really.I was hate for someone to try and control me in that way, and when they couldn't get me to not do something, they just tried to use emotional manipulation instead.

What would you do if the tables were turned - he's in pain all day every day, you work the hours he does, 3 young children, your parents are doing the big holiday, your sister is going - what would you do if DH couldn't go?

I'm not sticking up for him by any means btw! It's all down to the sort of person you are x

DH wouldn’t have missed a Christmas while we had children at home unless it was something totally unexpected such as illness.

i can’t imagine DH leaving me to spend Christmas with his family either.

however I can understand that “saying” in August you are too ill to attend a December function might seem a tad “off” to your in-laws, an excuse to avoid attending etc, and while economics is also an acceptable reason not to attend, they (and your DH) probably thinks it will all be ok by December..

surely your DH is aware of the state of family finances? Why didn’t he speak up initially when the idea was first broached? If he feels there’s enough funds, why doesn’t he take the DC with him and let you rest?

where’s your GP and treatment plan in all of this? Are you booked in for a procedure? Have you discussed this with family members so everyone knows this is happening for you…

He is clearly very selfish.....you and the kids are his main family now and should take priority.Especially considering the time of year being christmas, AND the fact you have a medical condition, he should absolutely not even be considering it- should be everyone goes or nobody goes.
His parents don't sound much better either, organising a holiday they must know you can't afford, and encouraging w him to leave his family over xmas.

If it's true that hysterectomy is the end of the line for endometriosis, then shouldn't you be pushing for this OP? So that you can get back on your feet, back to work, and set both you and your husband free from a truly miserable marriage.

Agree with this

Wow you're in the wrong job

Considering the updates I think your husband sounds like a saint and I don't blame him for going. You're not even together and he's stayed to fully financially support you and care for you.

It's Christmas and they're small children!

And she's in considerable pain

considering you're due to separate, I’d send him off with the eldest two kids or which ever two are the hardest work. Plan a lovely Christmas with tons of sit down crafts, movies, close family

Could he not go and fly back early eg Xmas eve?

Might cost a bit more but he'd still have 5 nights there.

That way he gets his holiday, you can have Christmas together with kids

Although if you had split up you might be facing Christmas alone anyway...

He's only there due to the fact she is ill. She doesn't actually want him there because she loves him, just do he cares and provides for her .

Tbh if I had a spouse that was using me like like I'd walk awat

that sound really hard on you both. are you booked in for surgery or some kind of relief soon. I would send him and the kids if possible and just rest it would probably do you good. Im so sorry youve had such an aweful time.