Family lacking manners, or just me?

It doesn’t matter if they asked or not. They turn up at your door with a dog and extra people? You say no.

Have to admit it would never occur to me to take something to a family dinner, that’s just not something that happens in my family. That feels like something more suited to friends or dinner parties, not a family get together unless someone asks. We also wouldn’t usually message afterwards, you just say thank you at the time surely? We are very respectful family with good manners, but what you describe is a little over formal and contrived in my family.

2 and 3 is inexcusable. 1 depends on the set up - I don’t want people in my kitchen. And inviting extra people? Wow. Dog too - I’d probably have told them they kept the dog on a leash or else it can’t come on. I wouldn’t invite them back ever.

I'm from the South and always take a small gift, unless it's very close friends or family and you see each other so often it would just mean a ridiculous exchange of gifts each time. Your guests were rude. I find taking a dog to someone's house without checking incredibly rude as well. They wouldn't be allowed to bring them into my house.

I think this is what i was getting at really.

We are in Ireland and would theoretically bring something, however I am in your shoes OP and sick of hosting as post c19 people seem to take it for granted as you say and never reciprocate! Felt like a right mug the last time I hosted and everyone else kicked back and enjoyed themselves while I ran around.

I think there’s a difference between not taking something eg to your mums who you see often and this type of thing - extended family who you don’t see often. I would take gifts eg to my aunties who I haven’t seen for years.

I suppose i can see this, our family isn’t set up that way we don’t have family we don’t see for years. We all live within the same 5 miles (including aunties/ uncles/ grandparents on both sides) and that said both sides are small and often IL’s are invited to my side of the family’s gatherings and vice versa. The only exception is some family we have abroad.

I live in the North and would never visit someone hosting and not take a gift, neither would my friends.
I used to always host my husbands elderly Aunt and her partner and their daughter husband and kids when they visited our area ( seaside resort). The would bring some drink for themselves to consume, but no gift then the last time didn’t even bring that, I was really offended, told my MIL knowing it would get back to them and have never again hosted them, I’m not letting their bad manners upset me in my own house.
you are completely within reason to be upset, don’t let them do that to you again.

@Wheesht2 you were really offended someone didn’t bring you gift? Yikes I just can’t imagine being so highly strung, they are family. I wouldn’t even use the word ‘host’ when it comes to family.

They were extremely rude. I wouldn't be having them over again, at least not for anything else but a cup of tea and some biscuits.

Well I am from the south and everyone I know takes wine and other things when they go to someone’s house for a meal. I can’t believe that all northerners are like this. Certainly not the ones I know. I wouldn’t want to host them if they are.

Yes, I don’t have animals in my house. I have under great sufferance allowed one in my garden in the shade, but the people concerned brought a metal spiral thing that went into the ground to which a lead was attached.

I wouldn’t bring a gift. But I would bring chocolates and wine, or if the don’t drink cheese or something.

i would say thank you in person, not via text.

I would either start cleaning up if it was clear I would be helpful or ask the host what they would like me to do.

Was there a reason for the gathering OP?
Just wondering if that could have any influence on their behaviour.
Were they of your generation or older/younger?

Yes, partly this could be a cultural thing. But not entirely.

Out of 15 for noone to say thanks/offer to help with anything is really poor.

Nevermind that 5 others got brought along!

Gets worse and worse.

I thought they sounded rude and ungrateful in your OP but I am gobsmacked that they thought it OK to invite five other people. And as for bringing a dog! Make sure never to invite any of them again.

When we have large family get togethers, usually at mine or one of my sister, it is normal to:

• Ask ahead if there is anything we can bring, e.g. a pudding, a cheese course and if we are not required to bring anything specific I would still take a contribution such as a bottle of wine.
• Offer to help while there in any way that seems appropriate, certainly with washing up.
• WhatsApp the hostess afterwards and thank them for a lovely day

BTW, we are in the North.

Did they thank you as they were leaving? I don't usually message people to thank them but I would say it as I left. On the other two points YANBU, they were just rude.

I would have to say something! What a bloody cheek!

Dear relative,

I was looking forward to us all having a get together and catching up. It was a real shame that my efforts to provide a nice meal was taken for granted. I didn’t need anything but usually guests would contribute a token gift for the host, a £2.99 bunch of Lidl flowers would have been appreciated. Manners cost nothing. I hope you had a lovely time, I don’t know if you did as you haven’t been in touch since.

Dramatic I know but if you never see the bastards again go for it!! Now you know who not to invite in future.

Your family sound appalling, but they treat you like that because they know, from experience, that you will put up with it.