AIBU to ban a guest over dismissing a severe nut allergy?

The sort of person that gives morons a bad name

I do think that some people are just a bit thick - you say 'nut allergy' and they think 'peanut' and it doesn't cross their minds that there are other kinds of nut.
I wouldn't underestimate how stupid it's possible for some people to be, in certain contexts, even when they have jobs which normally require a person to be clever.

My point is

that poster is sure her cousin read the message
and of all the things to turn up with - an almond cake. So what does “thoughtless or careless” mean in this scenario? She forgot about the message? Or she didn’t realise almonds were nuts?

.

Course it’s not more than that.

DS has peanut and tree nut allergies, and people mess up all the time…including cafes/restaurants btw. You have to triple check everything.

It’s very unlikely the nut allergic person in this case would eat a homemade cake without checking with the baker. Quite unlikely they’d eat it at all actually, as people who aren’t regularly dealing with allergies mess up easily even when they have good intentions.

Thoughtless and careless? Being explicitly told not to bring nuts for a potential life or death situation and you turn up with an almond cake? Bit more than thoughtless or careless

I’m sure OP was angry because her cousin was so thoughtless and careless, not because she believed her cousin deliberately wanted to hurt someone.

You had sent a message saying strictly no nuts due to serious allergy
your cousin rocks up with an almond cake
You are sure she would have read the message and you were very angry with her

but you don’t think she meant any harm?

And to think that the “lovely friend” cracks on being in a relationship with someone like this

It was a PM. Presumably it was quite easy to contact OP through FB or similar.

@Alittletiff Honestly I don’t think my cousin did intend to cause harm. They had been a school teacher so should have been extremely aware of allergies which is what made it so odd. Apologies for my levity.

This happened several years ago and I can’t remember what the conversations were at the time of the cake being unveiled. But I know I had informed them and was very taken aback and cross that they would be so cavalier.

Yeah, bit weird. The partner of a friend of the OP’s. Randomly had her number and out of the blue decided to drop this clanger. Weird

You think this cousin of yours intentionally rocked up with a cake that could have killed a guest? That is about 100x worse than even the prick of a person in the OP’s scenario

Is the DP a male? Very strange behaviour. Why would he take the time to send a message? Id tell him to mind his own business, keep his dumb and ignorant comments to himself and stay away.

Nah, I'll just swerve it. (grin) There is likely to be marzipan under the icing anyway, and I don't like the taste of that even if I seem not to be allergic to almonds.

Oops… that almonds are not botanically classified as true nuts (like hazelnuts and chestnuts are) doesn’t matter when it comes to allergies is what I meant to say. Many of the nuts that cause allergies aren’t true nuts botanically.

@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime
I’d be careful with nut allergies and any allergy can vary in how it presents, so it could be a rash one day and anaphylaxis the next. Maybe you should check out what’s in that pound cake?

@Goneforalotto she was stationed overseas with the military so maybe she wanted to flex a very particular set of skills, skills, she acquired over a very long career, to badly paraphrase Liam Neeson. 😂

So essentially, you suspect your cousin is some kind of psychopath who wanted to kill this person with a nut allergy?

Your friend is either being abused (despite you saying you don’t think she is) OR she most definitely isn’t “lovely” to be in a relationship with someone like this whereby she isn’t even surprised and appears to just shrug upon learning he’s said some pretty heinous things.

Hmm. The reason I wondered was because I am allergic to one of the "true nuts", and separately to peanuts (which are legumes rather than nuts), but not to almonds: I can eat ground almonds with no problem when they are used instead of flour in a cake.

Because in neither case has the allergy caused anything other than the equivalent of an itchy nettle-rash and easily sorted out by taking Piriton (so far, cross fingers), I've never been interested enough to find out which nut causes the trouble in a pound-cake: it's easier just to avoid pound-cakes, which I'm not all that keen on anyway. As for peanuts, these days the mere mention of them and allergy gets everyone alert and means I don't have them inflicted on me by accident.

You can be cross if people are careless to the point they put others at risk 🤷‍♀️

Almonds are always considered nuts for the purposes of allergy labelling, @AskingQuestionsAllTheTime.
Their botanical classification as a ‘true nut’ (like hazelnut or chestnut) doesn’t matter. The same goes for walnuts, pistachios, cashews, pecans, brazil nuts etc.

It may be that she thought that since almonds are not really nuts, they wouldn't cause the allergic problem?

@Itchysidefoot I doubt she missed the message, I made it obvious in the email replying to her about what to bring.

I think if we had questioned her she would have denied it was intentional. Maybe she forgot.

We didn’t ask her to leave but we did hide the cake and warn the person with the allergy to stay far away from it.

Do you suspect cousin did this intentionally? If so, you should have asked her to leave.

If not, then why really pissed off with her? She maybe missed the message