AIBU to ban a guest over dismissing a severe nut allergy?

His attitude is appalling as is his lack of understanding. I’d write back: “Thank you for letting me know your thoughts - on the basis of your comments and lack of understanding I’m asking you not to attend.”

You sound lovely OP and your son’s DP is lucky to have you watching out for her. I would also fear this man might bring a contaminated dish and endanger the woman who’s allergic. What about his partner bringing something? I’d be worried about some cross contamination from the whole household.

Making it awkward for your friend is unpleasant, exposing your son’s DP to someone who is a clear threat to them given their comments could be deadly.

Your son’s DP’s safety has to come before your friend’s comfort.

I’m someone who’s “sceptical” about the severity of nut allergies (don’t attack me yet, I’ll explain) but I’d 100% uninvite him as he sounds like a twat who would either bring nuts to be funny or who would absolutely bring it up in a combative way and make it awkward for everyone.

Nut allergies are real, I’m not an allergy denier. I just am a bit sceptical about adults who until yesterday ate everything without a moments thought, and today they have a severe nut allergy to the point where they can’t be in the same house as a protein bar. We recently had signs installed in our open plan office that ban anything with nuts in it “in case of severe allergies”. It’s mostly me and my team in this office and none of us has an allergy. We sit at our own desks that we wipe down before and after. And we’re adults. It’s not like we’ll be smearing peanut butter everywhere. So now basically 99% of snacks are forbidden as they all have traces of nuts, even though this is done purely from the perspective of “just in case”. In a mostly empty huge open plan office. It’s just stupid.

This rude person would no longer be welcome in my home. But allergies are deadly and nothing to joke about. Having an issue with someone else’s hardship like this is bizarre.

I am usually a people pleaser and can struggle to tell people no or be assertive in social situations so I would find this awkward.

I am however aware of how dangerous nuts are and that somebody's life and wellbeing is far more important than causing an awkward situation.
I'd feel for my friend but if she can't understand how dangerous her DPs attitude is, she's going to find out that people won't like him or want him around.

Uninvite him, imagine how horrified you'd be if the guest ends up exposed to nuts and ends up having a reaction. You've considered he might expose her just to see what happens or to prove he's right for example, you've identified a risk now eliminate it.

He sounds like a complete twat. Does he thinks it’s a just phase she’s going through 🙄

"Allergies are just people being fussy, you never heard of them until recently"-sadly I've heard this too often. There are people who lie about having allergies because they just don't like certain food, so some people, like this guy, seem to think that means everyone is lying. You see his lazy belief that if something doesn't affect him, it's not real/doesn't matter: "If people are overweight, it's their fault. Don't believe they eat next to nothing."/"Don't care if they ban dogs from public places and that means disabled people can't go, it's not my problem".
Some people are just very selfish-there are literally hundreds of examples like this.
And while a panic attack is not the same as an allergy, it would also be very wrong to throw spiders at people-is this kind of thing what he's into?

Not your job to educate him, but maybe point out people can develop allergies at any age. Sometimes, when selfish people realise it could affect them, they change their tune.

That's a her problem though, isn't it - you are not responsible for her choice of partner, she is.

Disinvite with @Matildathecat 's words : "thanks for your thoughts on the subject. Best you don’t come tomorrow"

If your friend kicks off, well, she really doesn't have a leg to stand on does she.

I would not be hosting someone who was so rude and dismissive of a family member.

I’d be calling my friend to explain, if she is lovely she will understand

Has she seen his messages?

Hi Dim Dave,

Not only is Allison severely allergic to nuts, I am allergic to Cockwombles.
You're no longer invited. Sylvia is welcome though.

Regards

Exactly - the people who come out with shit like that usually think you're overreacting, being a drama queen, or "surely you can have just a little bit?"
Er, no. It's not as simple as that.
Wouldn't put it past this type to try and prove a point or something. Not worth the risk.

Speaking as someone who has had to use an EpiPen then rush a family member to hospital, please stop being so wet.

@bagpuss90 the fact he sent it as a PM speaks volumes.

At a minimum I would say that as he cannot take a life threatening illness seriously then you are uninviting him.

I'd be tempted to forward his PM to the group chat and respond with "Dave (or whatever he is called). This is a life threatening condition, not a phobia, so if you cannot take something like this seriously then it would be better if you didn't come"

You might actually be doing her a favour. She’s probably been dismissing a series of red flags if this is his attitude, so this might be her wake up call.

There really are people who don't believe in allergies or dismiss them and there's a large subset of those who think it's ok to expose the allergic person to their allergens. Those people are dangerous assholes.

Your son's partner can't get over it. Anaphylaxis could kill her.

Your friend's partner is an asshole and I would uninvite him to this and everything your son's partner might be at. This was a simple ask. Instead of ok, he had the nerve to send a rude and ignorant message about a health risk boundary.

Show her the message, explain you think it's rude and ignorant and uncalled for and you refuse to have him around when your son's partner might be there. She's not so lovely if she thinks this is at all ok.

I would give him one chance, in case he's dramatically misunderstood something or had wrong details from somewhere. Like someone saying something that's made him think it's a fashionable 'avoidance' like when idiots insist on gluten free when they're not actually intolerant at all.

I'd probably reply 'Hi Dave. I don't know how to take your message - are you joking? Because it's not funny. Do you understand she has a life threatening allergy and anything even with a trace of nuts in could kill her?'

The reply would tell you everything you need.

How would you feel if this prick did bring nuts or if he mocked her? Would that be less awkward than uninviting him? Your responsibility, if you feel you have some, is to your son’s gf’s welfare not your friend’s feelings.

Your sons DP's health and safety matter a whole to more than her hurty feelings. She's chosen an absolute numpty as her partner so she needs to suck up people not wanting his company.

I would bet on him bringing nuts to "prove a point". The twat.

Simply tell her what he has said and consequently you don't trust him so he's not invited.

YANBU.
I have allergies (thankfully not nuts) and your friend's an arsehole.
Definitely uninvite, she's a potential danger to your nut allergy guest.
I wouldn't give a shit if she was offended, or said she was just joking or whatever. It's not worth the risk. Allergies can kill.
Edited to say sorry, just realised it's your friend's DP who sent the message - he wouldn't be allowed to come anymore, and I'd be hesitant to let her too. I know that sounds harsh to exclude her too, but it depends what she thinks of his behaviour or if she tries to downplay it or minimise it or whatever.

Not clear how long your friend has been with him for, but I would message her to say you were surprised to get this message from her dp and are unsure how seriously to take what he says given you thought it was common knowledge how dangerous but allergies are.

i would uninvite him anyway personally. If he did do something stupid thinking he was being funny and did put son’s dp at risk, imagine how your son would react knowing you knew of his foolish comments and still let the man attend. I would rather risk awkwardness with a friend than someone’s health and my relationship with my child.

I’d forward your friend his message and say based on this you don’t feel happy having him there in case he says or does anything out of order, but you’d love it if she still came.

I have to do this with my cousin. He’s married to an evil cow who creates drama everywhere and I’ve just had to say listen, we’d love to see you but she’s not invited. And to be absolutely clear, if she rocks up, I’m not letting her in.

Why have people like them ruin your get together?

Uninvite this dangerous idiot.

It wouldn’t even be a dilemma for me to tell him he’s uninvited.

OP your son’s partner is way more important than this prick. Univite him for her sake. Even if he didn’t bring nuts to be ‘funny’, he’ll probably belittle her at every opportunity.

I wouldn’t attend if I knew he were there (I also have a nut allergy) as I wouldn’t trust he wouldn’t try something.

He's made it awkward, not you. Uninvite but phone your friend and explain why (as in hit send whilst on the phone to her so you get there first with the actual reasoning)