AIBU to ban a guest over dismissing a severe nut allergy?

@bagpuss90 the fact he sent it as a PM speaks volumes.

At a minimum I would say that as he cannot take a life threatening illness seriously then you are uninviting him.

I'd be tempted to forward his PM to the group chat and respond with "Dave (or whatever he is called). This is a life threatening condition, not a phobia, so if you cannot take something like this seriously then it would be better if you didn't come"

You might actually be doing her a favour. She’s probably been dismissing a series of red flags if this is his attitude, so this might be her wake up call.

There really are people who don't believe in allergies or dismiss them and there's a large subset of those who think it's ok to expose the allergic person to their allergens. Those people are dangerous assholes.

Your son's partner can't get over it. Anaphylaxis could kill her.

Your friend's partner is an asshole and I would uninvite him to this and everything your son's partner might be at. This was a simple ask. Instead of ok, he had the nerve to send a rude and ignorant message about a health risk boundary.

Show her the message, explain you think it's rude and ignorant and uncalled for and you refuse to have him around when your son's partner might be there. She's not so lovely if she thinks this is at all ok.

I would give him one chance, in case he's dramatically misunderstood something or had wrong details from somewhere. Like someone saying something that's made him think it's a fashionable 'avoidance' like when idiots insist on gluten free when they're not actually intolerant at all.

I'd probably reply 'Hi Dave. I don't know how to take your message - are you joking? Because it's not funny. Do you understand she has a life threatening allergy and anything even with a trace of nuts in could kill her?'

The reply would tell you everything you need.

How would you feel if this prick did bring nuts or if he mocked her? Would that be less awkward than uninviting him? Your responsibility, if you feel you have some, is to your son’s gf’s welfare not your friend’s feelings.

Your sons DP's health and safety matter a whole to more than her hurty feelings. She's chosen an absolute numpty as her partner so she needs to suck up people not wanting his company.

I would bet on him bringing nuts to "prove a point". The twat.

Simply tell her what he has said and consequently you don't trust him so he's not invited.

YANBU.
I have allergies (thankfully not nuts) and your friend's an arsehole.
Definitely uninvite, she's a potential danger to your nut allergy guest.
I wouldn't give a shit if she was offended, or said she was just joking or whatever. It's not worth the risk. Allergies can kill.
Edited to say sorry, just realised it's your friend's DP who sent the message - he wouldn't be allowed to come anymore, and I'd be hesitant to let her too. I know that sounds harsh to exclude her too, but it depends what she thinks of his behaviour or if she tries to downplay it or minimise it or whatever.

Not clear how long your friend has been with him for, but I would message her to say you were surprised to get this message from her dp and are unsure how seriously to take what he says given you thought it was common knowledge how dangerous but allergies are.

i would uninvite him anyway personally. If he did do something stupid thinking he was being funny and did put son’s dp at risk, imagine how your son would react knowing you knew of his foolish comments and still let the man attend. I would rather risk awkwardness with a friend than someone’s health and my relationship with my child.

I’d forward your friend his message and say based on this you don’t feel happy having him there in case he says or does anything out of order, but you’d love it if she still came.

I have to do this with my cousin. He’s married to an evil cow who creates drama everywhere and I’ve just had to say listen, we’d love to see you but she’s not invited. And to be absolutely clear, if she rocks up, I’m not letting her in.

Why have people like them ruin your get together?

Uninvite this dangerous idiot.

It wouldn’t even be a dilemma for me to tell him he’s uninvited.

OP your son’s partner is way more important than this prick. Univite him for her sake. Even if he didn’t bring nuts to be ‘funny’, he’ll probably belittle her at every opportunity.

I wouldn’t attend if I knew he were there (I also have a nut allergy) as I wouldn’t trust he wouldn’t try something.

He's made it awkward, not you. Uninvite but phone your friend and explain why (as in hit send whilst on the phone to her so you get there first with the actual reasoning)

You have to tell him he's uninvited; you won't be able to enjoy your party with the threat that he might introduce something containing nuts. It would be a shame if your friend takes exception to that, but someone's health takes precedence over hurt feelings.

Yep another saying to uninvite.

“Twathead, I’ve decided it’s too much of a risk for you to attend tomorrow as you’re too uninformed of the threat to life of allergies and I cannot trust you to respect it”

Well it IS awkward for her now, because he sent you a rude and ignorant message!

(Does she know?)

I would be tempted to reply 'No nuts allowed, including you' But wouldn't.

YANBU at all - I would tell him not to come. A friend of mine has a severe peanut allergy and feeding her is such a worry - I wouldn’t allow someone so dismissive (and stupid) at the same event as her.

This is perfect response.

@MatildaTheCat has the perfect response

Even if he doesn't try to put nuts in something, do you really think he will hold his tongue after sending you that rant. You will on edge all afternoon in case he decides to 'speak my mind' as those verbally incontinent rude people call it. Don't risk you son's DP feeling uncomfortable.

You don't have to fall out with him. We've all got at least one idiot in the family.
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I would message your friend to say you are shocked at his message to you about a life threatening allergy. Your friend may be lovely but she needs to know this is his take on a deadly nut allergy. Terrifying in this day and age that someone could be so ignorant as to the number of people who die from anaphylaxis. It makes headline news.

Then it's up to her if she comes alone or not at all. Time she saw this horrible man for what he is.

I’d uninvite him, I’d be too worried in case he brought something containing nuts. Some idiots can’t understand how life threatening a nut allergy is.

There is a good chance your sons DP could be harmed by this idiot turning up with nuts , I would uninvite and deal with the awkwardness. Not worth the risk.

I would ban him, and not in a polite way. Oh and I would ban him from any future gatherings as well