AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

I'm afraid it is common in the UK.

Rents are very high in the most densely populated regions: £1300+ a month for a 2-bed flat in one of the cheapest parts of London, and only a little less in my predominantly rural county in SE England.

Average take-home pay is around £2000 a month, less if you have student loan repayments. Someone in their early-mid 20s would likely be earning less than the average, and in many parts of the country the average wage will be less (high London salaries skew the average).

A lot of young people who are in the early stages of their careers struggle to afford rent a home and many live in house shares until their 30s! My stepson left home for uni and houseshared for a few years, he's now moved back in with his mother at the age of 36!

When I was 26 I’d been working as a doctor for a year so was arguably in a better position than DD1. If I’d have got pregnant, I still wouldn’t have been in a position to have a baby: I was living in a shared house; I had huge student loans (private student loan with a fixed monthly repayment as well as the usual student loan with the income-linked repayment); I wouldn’t have been able to afford childcare etc. Moving back in with my mum and making my poor decisions her responsibility wouldn’t have been fair on anyone, so you know what I would’ve done? Taken responsibility for my own actions and had an abortion.

OP, you’ve been avoiding any of the questions asking if DD1 and her boyfriend work. That makes me think that neither of them have jobs, pay rent etc.

How are they going to pay for a child?

Be honest with yourself- they aren’t. You are. When your grandchild is living with you and crying because he/she is hungry, and there’s no milk in the house, are you going to ignore them, or are you going to buy milk? After the first time, are you going to wait until it happens again, or are you going to keep stocking up just to be safe? Is DD1 going to bother providing for her child when she knows you will do it for her?

Think back to when you were pregnant with DD1. Where were you living? Who was paying your bills? What were you doing to prepare for your child’s arrival? How much did you have in savings to pay for baby furniture/clothes etc? Compare this to where DD1 is now.

You say you can’t tell someone what to do with their body. But when that someone is completely dependent on you from both a financial and practical perspective, you can absolutely make them see the consequences of their irresponsible choices. And yes, “choices” is the right word. Either DD1 CHOSE to try to get pregnant despite her current situation (in which case she hasn’t got the common sense to be able to raise a child) or she became pregnant “accidentally” (in which case she isn’t responsible enough to use contraception properly) and CHOSE to continue the pregnancy and have a baby. Either way, she needs to see the reality of the situation. She’s CHOSEN to have a baby but she doesn’t get to choose what to do with your money and your time/resources. She and her boyfriend need to explain exactly how they are going to care for and provide for the baby without using you as the answer to everything.

You say that you’re hoping the boyfriend will step up when the baby is born but I think that everyone here can see that DD1 also needs to step up.

As someone with AuDHD (although not diagnosed until my mid-30s - genuinely well done for advocating so well for DD2 that she was assessed and diagnosed as a child), the idea of a newborn and another adult moving into my home, my safe space, is horrific. I need my home to be my haven, where I can decompress and recharge after being drained by dealing with people at work etc.

I hope DD2 has asked her grandmother about the possibility of moving in with her. I suspect she has. I also suspect that it wasn’t a spur of the moment comment, but rather a back up plan that’s existed for quite some time, and has been thought through to the Nth degree.

Good luck. I think DD2 is the only one in this post who actually sees the reality of the situation (although maybe your DH does too? You haven’t said anything about what he thinks/wants). Listen to her. She sounds sensible.

If you let DD1 bring her boyfriend and raise their baby in your house you are, by default, choosing her over DD2. I know you want to support DD1, but support for a grown adult doesn’t mean taking responsibility for their poor choices. It means helping them to take responsibility for themselves.

Also to add, you’re strong your older daughter up to absolutely accept less in her relationship, by giving them an option to move in rather than figure out how to make a home of their own you’re giving her the message that she’s not capable and neither is her boyfriend, both you and her should have higher expectations for her.

OP you are being very kind but you’re actually at big risk of facilitating a whole mess for everyone.

By character already the boyfriend demonstrating he is lazy and you’re giving him an out already by housing him, there is very little to zero chance of him ‘stepping up’ as he has less reason to, human nature will mean he takes the path of least resistance, ie. If the options are to get a job, work hard and compromise so that he can provide a home for his child vs live at his mother in laws for cheap or no rent which is set up for childcare on hand and probably meals etc, he is going to choose option B

also, your 26 year old daughter is now in a situation of her own making yet your younger daughter is expected to have her whole world turned upside down to accommodate, this is grossly unfair and traumatic for her. How will your relationship with her recover?

also, your life should be heading into a more peaceful era now, your kids are grown up but now you seem to be inviting chaos into your home, they will not leave for a very long time and you have already stated you don’t even like your daughters boyfriend.

the best plan now seems to be that you tell them that you aren’t in a position to offer them all a home so they have the option for your daughter to stay home with the baby and boyfriend can only stay over a limited amount of time, that should be planned to be temporary while they get a home set up. Or they move in together elsewhere and you support them where you can and also let your daughter know that at any point if things aren’t working out she can come home but just not with her boyfriend.

essentially OP you’re trying to help but you’re doing the opposite, you’re doing absolutely nobody any favours longer term by letting them move in by nobody I mean yourself, both daughter and baby and probably not the boyfriend either, he needs some life skills under his belt.

I’d tell your DD she and her baby are always welcome but if they want to live as a family they need to find their own place / elsewhere.

sounds like your younger DD nearly needs your support right now and I wouldn’t make her home environment a hostile one until she finds her next steps after graduation etc.

No he should not be allowed to move in. He can only visit. Otherwise where is his incentive to step up and work hard and save up to get a place of their own?! Don’t make him comfortable. Just support your daughter with her baby. If she cries about being with him then tell her they need to save up and move out. If she moves in with the grandma then that’s down to them, but probably won’t work out in the end. As he will probably take over the grandmas home and she’ll get sick of it, asking you to intervene.

They’ve decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, planned or not. That’s a choice.

Regardless, at 26 especially when there are two parents of the baby involved you don’t expect grandparents to house all three of you.

This is super tough and I do feel for you OP. I completely appreciate you want to held DD1 and that having your first GC live with you would be lovely. However, if DD2 is ND and struggling I think it would be really unfair to turn her life upside down like that. It sounds like it’s no secret she doesn’t like DD1’s bf and DD1 has put you in her sister in a really awkward situation by asking for this when she must have known it would be awful for her sister. I also can’t imagine it would be nice for her BF living in a house with someone who openly dislikes him. I think there would be a lot of hostility and above all else that’s not an environment for a baby to be in.

Have DD1 and her BF looked into the possibility of any sort of help to find a place for them to live through the housing association to make it more manageable? Or considered living at his parents’ house if there’s more room? I feel for you because it’s wonderful that she’s able to have a baby if she thought she’d struggle. It’s really happy news but she’s put you in a very awkward position by asking for this when she’s already pregnant when if you knew before she could have gone into pregnancy aware that living at your house likely wasn’t an option. Bottom line is they are both adults who’ve made an adult decision and I don’t think you can penalise DD2 for their choice.

Best of luck to you! I hope baby arrives happy and healthy and your daughter has a lovely pregnancy!

On discovering that she was accidentally pregnant, the first thought of this young couple should have been …..we aren’t in a position to have a child as we can’t even afford accommodation for ourselves. Why weren’t we much more responsible, what a mess we are in, let’s look at all the implications and options asap, be accountable for our actions and decide what’s best for us all.

Instead, your entitled DD automatically assumed that it’s all going to be so lovely because Mum will of course be delighted and will step up to look after me and the baby and we can easily over-ride sister’s objection once boy friend is resident and in charge. She will no longer be the baby in the house so she will just have to get used to it, or better still move out to Granny’s house so we can have her room for the baby.

Being young and naive means they clearly haven’t a clue nor thought it all through with any sense of reality…only with rose tinted glasses which mum also seems to be wearing right now.

In your shoes OP, I would be very worried that this boy wasn’t right for my daughter.
And, even though they are naively thrilled with the romanticism of a new baby, this solution of theirs is likely to turn your calm household into a nightmare where you have to take sides and see your vulnerable DD2 become justifiably very miserable and have to move out. Why should she?
Let the young couple face the thought of living with granny ….or in a rented room somewhere else with their baby, or with his mum.

You already have a niggling doubt about him OP. Don’t ignore that.
Hoping he will realise his responsibilities and suddenly change for the better is lovely of you but is it realistic ?

My advice would be to say that the young couple must find out the cost of the sort of accommodation they aspire to with a baby in the mix, and then do their sums and work out how they intend to live independently, away from home. They need to consider the long term plan…careers, health, child care costs and know they have covered it all.
But no, they should not simply assume they will be living with you without exploring all other options first.

You are making it far too easy for them and doing them a great disservice at the same time. At least make them consider it properly so that they don’t feel so entitled.
I hope they come to their senses. They will have to grow up very fast.

I agree that the OP can’t choose between her adult children but there is a difference between a twenty six year old who has a lazy boyfriend who has cheated on her and who is pregnant and a twenty two year old who had just finished university though.

And the OP does not need to tell her youngest daughter that she is ‘welcome to move out’ because she’s already told the OP that she will move out.

The OP would ‘love to have the baby here’ so maybe she’s choosing the baby and not either of her daughters.

For me it would depend on the boyfriend.

If he is genuinely a difficult person to live with, I'd be tempted to tell DD1 that her and the baby are welcome but her partner can only stay a couple of nights per week.

But if your youngest would just rather not live with him, or is holding a grudge about something that's not really any of her business, I'd tell her it's your house and both of your children will always be welcome. If she's not happy with her sister's family moving in then, as an adult, she's welcome to move out 🤷‍♀️. She can't expect you to choose between her and her sister.

If they do move in, I'd have a family meeting to set some ground rules around housework, noise (not the baby, obviously. Things like keeping your voices and media down after whatever time), use of bathrooms etc.

I don't think you "don't know what to do". It's clear from your post that you prefer your eldest daughter and are looking for people to tell you that you're right in letting her and the boyfriend move in.

Personally, I think once you've decided to get pregnant you should be independent enough to live by yourself with the father of the child. It's unfair to impose your new family life on to others who might not exactly enjoy being woken up by baby screams in the middle of the night, and change their house and routines around the baby and the new parents.

Also, your youngest daughter sounds the most sensible of you all, including you. She sees who exactly the deadbeat boyfriend is. He not only cheats, but also can't seem to provide for his own family since these two geniuses are looking at squatting in other people's houses with their baby.

If you push your youngest daughter out to accommodate the oldest you might also damage the relationship with her. While you have a perfectly valid reason to say no to your eldest's request, IMO. It's too big of an ask.

But, I suspect you're going to move you eldest and her entourage in anyway.

This is your answer
You find him irritating and lazy. No man ever changed because he had a baby.
He will drive you and DD2 mad. If his parents have more room they should ho there

Both dds are old enough that they should be thinking about moving out, really.

But if you want dd1 living at home I wouldn't base a decision about that on dd2's preference, she's unlikely to be in the house much longer. What do you want?

OP can start helping by turfing them out of the house. Then they will be homeless. More chance of getting housed by the council.
OP you need to be cruel to be kind.

I can’t understand what you want to happen.

She’s twenty six! She is pregnant to a lazy man and now she wants you to financially support them because they can’t look after themselves.

You want to support her and I’d do that with advice. Looking through their finances with them to see where they are going wrong, suggesting cheaper areas to move to. Helping them move to a place they can afford. Even offering some childcare so she can go back to work.

I bet the father doesn't work.

😆 This is absurd. Of course she and the boyfriend and baby need their own place. 26!

Can they register on the council housing register and also look for private rental now, surely you can help and if you can't then the council's welfare fund will help with a deposit for private rental.

Maybe it was unplanned?

Do either of the parents to be actually work?

Sorry to be harsh but at 26 having a baby and living at mummy and daddy's house is a bit odd.

I realise you want to support your daughter but you don't have to live together to support her.

Well they're unlikely to get on the council housing list now as they've got a roof over their heads at the moment. OP needs to chuck them out and they might stand a chance getting put up in emergency accommodation.

You say bf is ‘lazy and irritating’ . I woujdn’t want him to move in. Sounds like a potential cocklodger.

Think practically. Does he work? Willing to pay a contribution fur him and dd to the household? Willing to do his own washing? Cleanin? Cooking? I suspect not.

I think this is the time to look at options for them to move out. Look at the bigger picture including your other daughter. You can still help her if she lives elsewhere.

Once they see how fun it is playing mummies and daddies they'll want to get their own place anyway. I don't blame the DD2 for being hacked off.

There's no way I would tolerate that. They'd be told to get their own place.

Fair point😂 i initially thought yes he should but then I thought is it fair for dd2 to have to live with a man she is uncomfortable (or possibly the op for that matter) with