AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

@DannyOD what about DD1 staying with the baby without the boyfriend? In the early stages for some support.

I don't think you've mentioned why they can't get their own place? Apologies if I've missed it.

Marriage has been the bedrock of a strong family because it creates a shared identity and a protective boundary around the home. Raising a child within a marriage provides a clear, morally grounded foundation of permanence and mutual obligation.

You need to get out more.

No way. She's old enough to get pregnant so time to stand on her own two feet. You will become a substitute mother to the baby and it's unfair on your other daughter who dislikes the guy.

Your house, your decision. Not easy to find and afford decent accommodation. I would explain that to your 22 year old daughter and tell her it's not negotiable. If she chooses to move in with another relative that's her decision and you will have more room too. Lots of young people still living with family these days due to housing shortage and affordability.

Surely if they are having a baby they are old enough to have their own place. You're enabling it.

I expect they want mum to do all the childcare.

Stop enabling all this dependence. The pregnant Daughter and partner need to plan somewhere to live . Not at yours , or his Parents etc , they are adults. Your other Daughter cannot dictate who lives where . You say they are not in a position to move out? And you are trying to help . What you are doing is enabling this situation to become your responsibility. You will make every excuse for them , such as they can’t afford rent or to buy a house etc . They will afford somewhere if you let them. As for your elderly Mother , she does not need to be involved and recruited into the circus .

I don’t think we've yet learned anything about the DH’s opinions either. He may be the one who’ll move out!

This is an excellent point

Options include:

Your elder daughter and her partner each continue to live with their respective parents but you allow her partner to visit. The baby probably needs to stay primarily with their mother at your house until they're older. Perhaps set up times when the partner isn't expected to be visiting.

You move to a house with a self contained granny annex where either your younger daughter can live or your older daughter + partner+ grandchild. This gives separation between your younger daughter and the partner.

You support your younger daughter in say starting a Masters degree living elsewhere and make it clear the partner can't stay over all the time when she's at home.

Based on what op has written, I feel like them not getting married at this time is the sensible option.

I totally agree with you on this, it does sound like a disaster on the way. Better just to be up front and say NO. Will save a great deal of problems just heading your way.

If you love here and want to help her stop enabling her and her sidekick to be a lazy dependent sponging off you and the state and start teaching her about being responsible for herself

It would be a huge upheaval for all of you but given the history it seems unfair to move someone into the house that your daughter actively dislikes.

Yes, you are being unreasonable by completely disregarding your DD2 specific needs that she personally has no control over to accommodate your DD1 who has made an active choice to build her own family with a lazy man you isn’t ideal, but can’t fund it.

Tome for DD1 and the boyfriend to step up to the mark and live the life they have created for themselves.

Id say that dd1 and the baby can stay but not the boyfriend. Dd1 and the baby are 'yours', the bf is not. You are willing to provide a safe place and a home for your own daughter but if they want to live together as a family, they need to finance that. I certainly wouldn't piss off dd2 by having dd1, her bf and baby take over the whole house, which is that will happen if bf moves in!

I’d potentially let my dd and the baby - but not the dad. He needs to grow up and find a way to show up and pay up for his family.

My friend is in a similar situation. The boyfriend did not step up, continues to be lazy and buys his child’s affection with sweets rather than active parenting. The child is about to start school now. If you say yes to them moving in be prepared to be in it for the long haul. My friend has to do far more parenting of her grandchild than she ever anticipated to ensure the child’s needs are being met.

Marriage is a contract - one that combines financial interests. It is less about love and family units

plenty of couples have children and do not marry and plenty of couples marry then divorce - almost half in fact

I would say no, I got pregnant as a teenager and looked after myself, moved back home very briefly between accommodation but moved out as soon as possible. If you have a baby you need to be independent.

Yes, I think there is definitely a sense that OP is dazzled by some dream about being the munificent grandmother, capably taking over the infant’s care and managing things magnificently. She seems set on ignoring what this will do to her family.

YANBU to hesitate at all.

I would (obviously) agree to my DD staying home but not for her BF to move in, absolutely not. He needs to knuckle down & work sufficiently to afford a place for his GF and baby.

Marriage is a vow and a profound moral commitment to build a stable, intentional family unit.

Marriage has been the bedrock of a strong family because it creates a shared identity and a protective boundary around the home. Raising a child within a marriage provides a clear, morally grounded foundation of permanence and mutual obligation.

'Common law marriage' is a total myth. If an unmarried father dies without a will, the mother inherits absolutely nothing automatically and could face a 40% inheritance tax bill just to stay in her own home. If they split, she has zero right to his pension or asset division, leaving her and the baby completely exposed.

Part of being a parent is assisting your kids to launch into independence. There’s a fine line between loving and supporting them and holding them back/enabling. It’s scary to take that step to fly the nest but if you let them stay too long, it’s hindering them and you are also enabling the bf to never have to grow up/adult…and he’s not even your kid! You have had a ton of good advice. I would suggest you have a conference with the bf’s parents and discuss how you can all work together to get them into their own place and encourage independence. If your DD1 has had past health issues, it’s probably even more tempting to coddle her and make allowances/keep her close but you still need to recognise that it’s time to help her “launch”. You can still be very supportive with the baby with a little more distance.

I don’t think the OP should put her own ‘once in a lifetime experience’ ahead of her own actual daughter who has just finished university and is autistic. Or put a lazy man who she doesn’t even like in front of of her own daughter. The youngest daughter hasn’t got pregnant or into a situation where she can’t support herself at twenty six.