AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

What i find so interesting about low expectations in some families, is that university still seems to be expected but unemployment and dependence after that is accepted. It's so strange.

Presumably op encouraged and supported her dd to go to university but isn't encouraging and supporting her to live independently, which is a much more important step than university. (I'm making the assumption that both daughters went to uni).

Priorities are all wrong here. What is the point of university if, afterwards, you just go back to living with Mum and squabbling with your sibling like you're still children?

University is hard, and somewhat costly. That effort would have been much better spent getting them both set up in stable jobs and independent accommodation.

But op is not the only one living in the house, there are other people to consider. Not to mention the long term wellbeing of her pregnant daughter and unborn grandchild.

I agree with Pp that they have to present to the council as homeless. They will be housed. Dd2 is right that it would be a nightmare.

if DS1 & BF split and you want them home that’s a different story, but this new family needs their own home.

When I fell pregnant at 20 my mum said to me, ‘I’ll help you with childcare but you know you won’t be able to live here with a baby though’

She wasn’t being cruel, just making sure I knew it was time to stand on my own two feet. So me and my husband (then boyfriend) rented somewhere nearby and haven’t looked back. My mum has been the perfect nana, and my son (now 18) has a great bond with her, and my husband and I ended up purchasing our own home near her so we see her multiple times a week.

Her explaining I couldn’t live there with the baby (which to be clear I didn’t plan to do anyway) meant that I grew up and learned the responsibility needed to be a better parent. It didn’t change my relationship with her, in fact it became better as I became an adult in her eyes not just her child. And it didn’t cause my sister and parents issues with sleepless nights and no peace.

Decline her staying and let her know it is time to move out. 6+ years of dating and a baby means it is time to go.

@DannyOD No you can't tell a grown woman what to do with her body but if she is a grown woman she can also sort her own living situation out and find a job, and childcare for her own baby. Is she expecting you to provide childcare?

Is there any evidence that he will step up? How has he been since she has announced her pregnancy? Has he tried to find a job/better job/work more hours to save up? Has he tried to sort out their housing situation?

Why should you move a feckless stranger in and inconvenience DD2?

If you find him irritating and lazy now, imagine how you’ll. feel when he is Freeloading in your house. Does he work?

Just don’t

It’s really not surprising is it. Even without reading about it, it’s just obvious that your relationship will be in a better place, there will be less stress because finances are less stretched and you have gone into the situation with your eyes open and planned it.

“He will not be bothered to change because he has free accommodation and others to help with the baby”

This is the most important point for op to take on board. She won’t be helping anyone if she allows him to live there.

You sound like you could be very keen on the idea. I think you should make a contract with each of them about what expectations are for each of them living with you.

how long and what you expect them to achieve, what you expect from them as flatmates ie will everyone have a turn cooking one night a week? Will they be expected to cook for themselves? Include housekeeping tasks down to room hoovered once per week and you expect each of them to clean the bathroom every other week. What rent and bill costs will you charge them for staying? Would they prefer you charge them extra and put the extra aside for savings? What will happen if they don’t have the rent?

i think really laying it out will put you in the best place to get the whole thing off on the right foot.

your second daughter doesn’t get to choose who lives in your house but she may see this as you choosing your daughter, and your daughters partner (who you don’t even like!) over her and your relationship may change

If his parents have more room why aren’t they going to live with them if they can’t afford their own place?

I really think you are doing your DD a disservice by facilitating this. She will have no reason to grow up and become a responsible adult and it will no doubt further damage the relationship between your two DDs. Making your kids be responsible for themselves at 26 is not cruel.

This is called foresight. I would heed this advice!

if They can’t afford a place they can’t afford a baby. No you don’t need to have them living with you.

You’re making your AuDHD daughter the issue here… but as you know as a mother of an AuDHD child they see the world for what it is… and she sees the red flags you guys have decided to ignore. She sees the irritating, cheating lazy boyfriend. She sees the sister who can’t stand on her own two feet but expects to have her life and baby funded … but more she can already see the fall out this will cause. Why not listen to your AuDHD daughter who has more insight it seems than any of you, and she’s not spiralling. She’s seeing the situation for what it is.

Finally the world is coming around to what us Asians have always known! 😉

The only one who gets to choose is you. Lay down your expectations but I have a feeling it won’t go well for you. Sorry! Good luck.

Your house, your choice.

There's now evidence that doing things in "the right order" (job, marriage, then children) has better outcomes for long term health and wealth of children. It's called The Success Sequence and there's been extensive research on this by the institute for family studies. Many articles on it if you search "The Success Sequence research".

It's not necessarily causative. What it comes down to is aspiration and expectations.

Op seems to have zero expectations of her children, or at least that's how it comes across. Not even "failure to launch", more like not even attempting to launch.

“Azandme · Today 11:28
DannyOD · Today 10:35
Not particularly to be honest. He has some good points but I do find him irritating and lazy. I am hoping he will step up now. I do however love my Dd1 and want to help her.
Show quote history
The absolute best way you could help this 26 year old, in a relationship, pregnant adult, would be to support her to be an independent adult.
Allowing them to move in and essentially avoid adulting is NOT how you help her.”

This with bells on. Also, none of you think much of the BF. It sounds like it would be better for them to part than start a family.

The absolute best way you could help this 26 year old, in a relationship, pregnant adult, would be to support her to be an independent adult.

Allowing them to move in and essentially avoid adulting is NOT how you help her.

Your enabling of your eldest dd's terrible decisions is not 'helping' her.

She can't even afford to move out, and yet has decided to have a baby.

If only for your impending grandchilds sake, your dd needs to start taking responsibility and ownership for her decisions.

I understand you couldn't see your daughter and grandchild out on the street if she truly is so inept she cannot live independently, but it should be an absolute NO to her lay about boyfriend moving in.

1. If they want to live together like normal adult couples, then they better start saving as they live seperately to move out together. You should not let them play pretend in your house.

2. You don't like this waste of a man. Your other daughter will have to leave her own house if you allow him to leech off you. Why would you do that to the rest of your family?

For your entire family's sake you need to grow a backbone and say no to him moving in.

I am hoping he will step up now.

That won't happen, especially if you let them move in. They should be looking to live independently. You are setting yourself up for years of issues and stress.

Even without the issue of DD2, the result of the boyfriend moving in will simply be that you have another mouth to feed and someone else to clean up after. He has time to get a job and get a deposit together for a flat. Why isn't he doing that?

Completely agree! I’ve already posted my story but it does really irk me based on the experience with my brother - DH and I married, bought a house and had ourselves in established jobs with reasonable parental leave packages where we would be able to afford childcare BEFORE we even thought about having a baby. My brother on the other hand just thought he would get his wife pregnant Willy nilly without considering their living situation or finances at all.

What I find most irritating is the expectation that her demands will be accommodated, which would make me believe that she has been enabled until this point.
You have a chance to now change this behaviour and let her finally grow up, but it sounds like you are already digging in your heels and that you are mentally ready to give in to her latest whim. You reap what you sow..