AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

The whole thing is bizarre these are adults, why are they all still living with you with no plans to move out?! Oldest DD and boyfriend need to buy their own house and if they can’t they should be concentrating on that and building a secure stable future BEFORE having a baby when they have no home of their own! Madness this is how people end up renting all their lives and complaining about renters issues. I’m speaking from experience here, I was fortunate enough to stay at home until I was also 25 because I was saving for a mortgage deposit, my now DH and I then bought our first house at 25 before we got married or had our kids. I’m in my 30s this wasn’t decades ago when houses were cheap either!

Nothing wow about it. Contraception is widely available, if she is adult enough to choose to have a baby she's adult enough to sort out her living with her boyfriend themselves

She has to deal with the consequences then if she wants to keep the baby.

I understanding you wanting to help your DD but she's a grown adult. She needs to find her own place with the bf.

He will never step up if he moves in. He may not step up anyway but they both need to provide for their child.

It's so easy to make these assumptions that the 3 of them are your responsibility. They are not.

One of my DSs gfs years thought it was entirely reasonable she move in with us and was very excited to buy stuff for their "home". No.

Yes. I dont really understand statements like:
I can't tell her what to do with her body. I can't tell her when to have a baby. I can't tell who her to date.
If I am supporting and housing my kids and their families, I jolly well will!

Do a list and mull it over -

Do they both work, do YOU work? The answer will have an impact on childcare both from them and from you (which you seem keen on I think).

Will they be able to contribute financially to the household?

Are they willing to help out and keep things kind of organised, as much as is possible with a newborn!

Are they saving to get their own place? If so, can you financially assist them to do this - it would help in the long run.

Have you asked them, or do you know why they are not moving into his parent's house which has much more room it seems? The reasons for this are important as it will show how willing they are to blend and go with the flow.

How do you get on with the BF generally? Translate that into 24/7, a pregnant daughter, and a soon to be born child in a small house.

Finally and most importantly IMV, consider yourself and your ND daughter. You may be helping one party out, but might lose another.

It's a tough decision and I am not going to say do this, do that. But do think it over carefully and then decide. You will probably lose your DD2, as she will move out asap I think if they move in.

Why is that such a shocking thing to say? It’s pretty clear that the OP’s daughter having a baby is nothing to celebrate at this point in time

Do they both work, OP? Does the lazy BF have a job good enough to support his child?

I ask because if not, you're likely to be stuck with him under your roof for a LONG time.

Do NOT let the boyfriend move in. He can stay where he is.

This is not going to end well.

Your oldest already lives with you, not independently and she's having a baby she and her boyfriend can't afford. Your younger daughter will move to her grandmother's if you let bf move in.

If your oldest wants to live with bf so badly, why aren't they moving to their own place? Or his parents, that you say is bigger?

I do find him irritating and lazy. I am hoping he will step up now.

Hope is not a plan. He's not going to change, it will just be more work for you and drive your youngest away.

You'll lose your youngest to enable your oldest and her bf and that really sucks.

Good grief

I can't see it working and I speak from experience of having GC living with us.

A baby in the house will have a massive impact on everyone in the house. Especially as you say you will have to do some jiggling round with space.

It will only work if you other daughter is on board imo or life all together will become unbearable.
You don't say why they are suggesting to olive with you but maybe I have missed that. If it's to save again you all have to be supportive of that.

I think at 26 your DD should be responsible for finding her own accommodation. My situation was rather different. My DS was 19.

You need to have a serious conversation with both DD's and work out a way forward.

Investigate further the possibility of staying with the BF family too.

X

Nah, what's his incentive to grow up, work hard and raise a child if he gets to move in and live with you guys?

Sure, support your dd, but don't end up supporting a full grown adult man as well.

I'm with you there, Danny, but they really must get their own place. The best way to help them is to encourage that and be on hand practically.

Honestly I'd be surprised if the boyfriend wnted to start a family while living with parents, you or his.

yup. cuckooing by degrees

God no. They’ll never leave..and you’ll drive your other daughter away. The boyfriend sounds a nightmare but I also wondering why you’re thinking of enabling this…

Let her stay with the baby until they get their own place but dont let the bf move in, he has his parents house so he isn't homeless. My adult dc lived at home for an extended period while they saved for their own places and I was happy with that, but I drew the line at dps moving in.

Why would having a baby entitle them to get a house ? Are they not capable of housing themselves?

Very cheap to get married. You don’t have to have a wedding.

Most people view having a child with someone as a commitment - not sure why it should be such a leap to think it is sensible to solidify that commitment.

The Ops dd sounds like she is going to be one of those women stuck in low paid work, unable to afford childcare, relying on the state while her bf runs about scott free visiting her when he feels like it and owing her nothing but CM. The least he could do is put his money where his mouth is and marry her.

How can someone not afford to get married? It costs a few hundred pounds to get married at a register's office. If they can't afford that, they really can't afford a baby.

EDIT: Not that I'm saying she SHOULD marry him. He sounds a bit of a knob.

If she wants to live with him she will need to do that independently. Moving a boyfriend into your parents home isn’t on. Especially a lazy one that the rest of the household doesn’t like.

It would be a firm No from me.

You can love someone and have a baby together and not legally tie yourself to them. What if they can't afford to get married? What if they just don't want to?

It doesn't matter what the boyfriend thinks of Dd2. It doesn't go both ways. Dd2 already lives there and he WANTS move in. I think the onus is on him to not make a bad situation worse.

Good point form the poster who said it's not the 1950s, they don't have to live together.

If I was in that situation I’d take my daughter back but the boyfriend could stay with his parents and visit. They’re setting themselves up as a family without the means to do so. Before you know it they’ll be with you for years with 2 babies and waiting for you to throw them out so they can get housing.
If they’re old enough to have a baby they’re old enough to house the baby. What’s wrong with where they are living at the moment?

Yep. Everybody I know has an unwanted BF staying with them.
My DD lives with me because of London rents even for houseshares, but I don,xt allow boyfriends

He's her current partner, she presumably loves him and they are going to have children together?