AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

I wouldn’t let him move in. If they want to have a family, they should move out.

Ok. Can’t be easy for anyone..

Don’t tell me … she was diagnosed with PCOS
that diagnosis of impending infertility is banded around to teens and young women on repeat that they’ll struggle with fertility and Bam! They are pregnant

your eldest needs to move out - if she can’t afford to with her equally adult boyfriend then they can’t afford a baby

I think it fair enough for a 22 year old who’s only just graduated to still be at home. Yes many graduates don’t return home but equally many do, until they’ve had a few years to get on their feet.

Living at home at 26 in the UK is not particularly unusual due to very high housing costs in many parts of the country.

However choosing to have a baby in your late 20s and still living at home especially when you have a partner is not common!

Then again the sister is 22 and it’s more than time for her too to move out.

“I got the impression op is the dad”
Well op says “My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH” so I’m assuming op is the mum! (Yes I know gay couples exist but on the balance of probability and the fact that this is MUMsnet I’m going to assume mum).

But totally agree with the rest of your post.

She is 26 and still living at home..!? Is this common in the UK?

And is having a baby but STILL has no plans in getting her own place? This can’t be good for anyone, it’s not healthy.

Maybe let him stay a couple nights a week but that's it. Once past the newborn stage they might be better off at his parents.

Poor excuse of a Mother who'd bring a adult man into the home of their disabled daughter, when it wasn't necessary. Unless it's a accidental, teen pregnancy, you've got no business expecting to set up a home, as a couple with a baby, in someone else's house.

Both my 20 something kids will be moving out to London houseshares soon hopefully. Paying some £ 1200 or upwards for a grotty flat.

Exactly why they won't be having babies any time soon, or at all.

She's a 26year old woman who feels responsible enough to have a child with her boyfriend..why do you feel she's in no position to move out and take some responsibility for herself?

No, I said she should have house shared before, not with a newborn. We are talking about the Success Sequence, please read the comments you're quoting.

I'd still rather have a baby in a rented flat with my husband than in my parents' house with my boyfriend only allowed to visit. Plenty of Londoner families live in rented flats.

I rented for 20 years, which is why I know how stressed I'd be starting a family in private rental accommodation where you might have to leave your home at any point at two months' notice, or work out what to do when the rent goes up beyond what you can afford and you need to stay in the same area for their schools.

If they've never rented before they will also need a guarantor and in many areas fulfilling affordability requirements (often 30x the monthly rent). They will also need to buy, at bare minimum, a bed, mattress, kitchen equipment, somewhere to sit on/eat off.

Also good luck finding a houseshare that's happy taking a couple with a newborn and will have enough space for all three of them to live in one room. A lot of ads on SpareRoom won't even allow tenants to WFH in the property.

I agree

I think you should tell DD 1 that she and her baby, your first grandchild, will always have a roof over their head in an emergency ( and Dd2 would have to deal with that if it ever happens) but she and her boyfriend need to make their own home with the baby elsewhere.
DD1 and the baby's father need to take responsibility for their decision to have a baby together and become responsible parents who support themselves. You can offer help with some childcare or babysitting if you wish or are able to, but don't let this be taken for granted . It may be the making of her boyfriend. But f it turns out badly, then I think it is better for your daughter to know that she has the option of a safe haven rather than staying an unsatisfactory relationship , if boyfriend/father is not supporting her properly. You would need to take care that you were not used as a regularetreat for ordinary disagreements especially given Dd2 views, and the safe haven is only if the relationship breaks down irretrievably.

Who says you need to buy a house? There's a third option other than buying or living with your parents.

The pp above who said they know a couple on £1500 a month rent - that should be affordable on 2x full time minimum wage, and that's even before you look into house sharing, which would be a fraction of the cost.

In my world, everyone in their early 20s rents in a house share until they can afford to buy.

If op's dd1 had done this at age 21, she might be more self-sufficient by now.

They will most likely be placed in a B&B as the demand for homes far exceeds supply. As they could theoretically be housed by family I'm not sure they would be given priority unless they have other vulnerabilities and even if they were it could be a long wait for suitable accommodation. Just having a newborn is not enough to be placed into the top banding.

The average age of a FTB now is 34, which doesn't give you long if you want a stable home of your own prior to children.

Marriage is also not something everyone wants (whether or not it's a good idea legally) - I know a lot of couples who are happily unmarried with children and significantly more stable than some who are married.

As an AuDHD person, I absolutely could not share my home with a baby. It would be massively disruptive for her, especially if she already finds the boyfriend loud.

That said, I don't think some posters realise that "just move out" isn't an option for a lot of young people now. Especially one who in a few months time will be on maternity leave/not in a position to find a job.

Very difficult for you, but I would say no. There’s more room at his parents. What’s their long term plan?

I am assuming that since she believed she wasn’t able to get pregnant that this was unplanned, and a result of not using protection like people who believe they are fertile. However, her solution to this unexpected event can’t be to put herself and her partner and their baby into your care.

She is an adult and about to be a parent. If she doesn’t have a long term plan, she needs to come up with one.

This.

She shouldn't get to dictate who her mother allows to live in her mother's house.

If the boyfriend is lazy there would be no incentive to do better living with you and therefore getting childcare and financial support. So that must be a no.

Your daughter and baby on the other hand, I could not leave them on the streets. But I wouldn’t let her become too vonfortable with the situation either. Best tomput some rules about who’s doing what for the baby and the amount of time the father can spend in the house too.

Or else some deadline to move out, at least.

Wow! Thats nonsense that you are parroting. If he’s lazy to begin with. He’ll be lazy as a dad. Your daughter and you are gambling on a baby being enough to change someone! If he cheated, your daughter is hoping that a baby will make him commit to her. Its foolish to use a life( a baby’s life) to get people to change. I echo all the posters saying no to them moving in as a family. If they think they are ready to have a baby they can get their own space. You will lose your second daughter as she will feel that you prioritised your first and a new grandchild over her.

also if your second daughter just graduated despite being AuAdhd then wow you should be proud of her!