Page 2 | AIBU to feel our marriage may be over after deleted messages

Poomonster · 2026-08-08T07:39:30+00:00

Long post warning!! I’m posting because I honestly don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable, or whether I’ve just reached the point where I can’t carry this anymore. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and we have a 9-year-old daughter. About five years ago, I found Instagram messages between my husband and another woman. I didn't confront him directly at the time, but I made a comment/hint about men and women messaging each other on Instagram. The next time I looked, the messages had been deleted. When I questioned him, he said he had deleted them because he realised they might look suspicious. He completely denies that there was anything inappropriate going on. My problem is that I can't get past the fact that, if there was genuinely nothing in them, why delete them? I know that doesn't necessarily mean he was having an affair or doing anything wrong, but once the messages were deleted, I could never know what had actually been said. There is another part of this which makes it particularly painful. Around the same period, my husband told me that I had become unattractive. I had put on quite a lot of weight at the time, and that comment really affected me. When I then found the messages with another woman, it inevitably made me wonder whether there was a connection between the two things. Since then, he has become much more protective of his phone and, whenever I raise the Instagram situation, he gets annoyed and doesn't really want to talk about it. He continues to say he did nothing wrong and that I'm dwelling on something that happened five years ago. But I can't get over it. I don't necessarily think he had an affair. I don't even know what was in the messages. What I do know is that my trust was damaged, and I don't feel like it was ever properly repaired. I feel as though I have spent five years trying to convince myself that I should be over it, but I'm not. Our relationship has never felt the same to me since. I'm now wondering whether the marriage is actually dead and I'm just too scared to admit it. We have a child, we've been together for a long time, and obviously I don't want to destroy our family over something I can't even prove happened. At the same time, I don't want to spend the next 10 or 20 years feeling suspicious, disconnected and unhappy. Part of me thinks I should just accept his explanation and move on. Another part of me thinks that the fact that he deleted the messages, became more secretive with his phone and then dismissed my feelings is exactly why I have never been able to move on. I also can't help wondering whether being told I was unattractive at the same time has affected how I see myself and how secure I feel in the marriage. So, Mumsnet, what would you do? Would you try couples counselling and genuinely try to rebuild the marriage, even after five years? Or does the fact that I still feel this way after all this time tell me that the relationship has already run its course? I don't want people to tell me categorically that he definitely cheated, because none of us know that. I think what I'm struggling with is whether a marriage can survive when trust has been broken but you never actually find out what happened — and the other person isn't willing to really talk about it.

Applesonthelawn · 10/08/2026 08:47

YADNBU because he hasn't properly addressed it. It may be relatively innocent, or a mindless stupid deviation in his mind that was never meant to go anywhere and he's matured since, but he hasn't recognised the potential damage and repaired it. Or it may have been something more concrete and a pattern that could repeat.
This will eat away at your marriage unless he does repair it, so you do need to discuss it and he needs to recognise that a marriage doesn't survive with that level of mistrust.
If he won't address it, the ball's in your court - is a marriage with so little care from his side worth it for you? Or are you prepared to make the break and look for something better? Given your history and lack of firm evidence you at least need to know you've given him a fair chance.

Cyclebabble · 10/08/2026 08:42

On the pictures and messages, I would certainly mention it, but if they were not sexual I am not sure I would be overly concerned. Certainly nowhere near enough to stay with me for five years as a major issue. I also really find it slightly troubling that he should never speak to a woman. If DH told me I could not speak to a man ever, I would see this as quite controlling.

It must have hurt when he said he did not find you attractive, but how did he say this? Putting on more than five would have an impact on your health, could he have been concerned about this?

GoldMoon · 10/08/2026 08:34

On the fence with this one . You found messages 5 years ago and a photo of him in work you think could be an office in joke ? They were not sexual in any way .
So they were work colleague chat then ? Work mates .
What's wrong in that ?

I worked in a mainly male dominated environment way back in 2010 , left because we were moving away . Work mate was male , we got on well spent most lunchtime together etc as you would a workmates . He was married with kids , likewise me . We never met outside work or socialised outside work . Totally innocent , didn't fancy each other , just mates .
Even though that was years ago . We still send each other Christmas cards , the odd message , the odd phone call ( which I will take quite happily and put on hands free if I can't hear him ) in the presence of my dh .

What I'm saying is , it could be innocent and you have built up your suspicions over the years .

thesealion · 10/08/2026 08:18

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 08:01

There are positives and these outweigh the negatives. He's a good husband in the most part and a very good dad. Our daughter adores her daddy. However, I find this difficult to overcome. It's not a constant daily thought, but can come up when I'm feeling down and in a thinking mood (I'm a deep thinker). I start wondering if I'm good enough. I'm very confident, have a good job, great friends, really outgoing and personable. He's the opposite and has slight autistic tendancies so our personalities are different. That being said, I'd be fine on my own.....but I wonder if it's worth it. I would just want to know where his head was at. Is he still messaging? He still had her as an insta contact after knowing how unhappy I was, so I find that disrespectful. I'm not controlling, but I do expect respect in a marriage after seeing disrespect in my parents marriage. I don't think that's too much to ask 🤷🏼

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Respect goes both ways though. Snooping through your husband’s messages and policing his social media use isn’t respectful. I wouldn’t have any time for a partner telling me who I could and couldn’t message or have as a friend.

Highlighta · 10/08/2026 08:18

Five years is a long time to have this hanging over you.

There are really only two options now.

If you feel so strongly about it and there is now zero trust, then end it. You cannot live forever like this.

The other option is to start to deal with it. Open communication and counseling. If the marriage is to continue, then communication has to change.

Unfortunately you are in the situation of he has seemingly acted inappropriately, but you have to make the decision of how to move forward.

You have to do something though. This is eating at you.

PloddingAlong21 · 10/08/2026 08:18

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 08:01

There are positives and these outweigh the negatives. He's a good husband in the most part and a very good dad. Our daughter adores her daddy. However, I find this difficult to overcome. It's not a constant daily thought, but can come up when I'm feeling down and in a thinking mood (I'm a deep thinker). I start wondering if I'm good enough. I'm very confident, have a good job, great friends, really outgoing and personable. He's the opposite and has slight autistic tendancies so our personalities are different. That being said, I'd be fine on my own.....but I wonder if it's worth it. I would just want to know where his head was at. Is he still messaging? He still had her as an insta contact after knowing how unhappy I was, so I find that disrespectful. I'm not controlling, but I do expect respect in a marriage after seeing disrespect in my parents marriage. I don't think that's too much to ask 🤷🏼

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it’s absolutely not too much to ask. I would be feeling the same as you are 100%z

I asked because you hadn’t mentioned any positives so was wondering if counselling was even worth the effort. However if the positives outweighs the negatives then I think that’s an avenue you should suggest. However before embarking on couples therapy, would it be beneficial for individual therapy for just yourself? You mention you’re confident and outgoing. However those comments to you 5 years ago are rightly still incredibly hurtful and even if not obvious, will be undermining your confidence on a certain level even now. To be happy with someone you must be happy fully in yourself. Therefore ensuring you are truly the best version of you, before embarking on couples therapy, could be worth while. Also you need to consider what happens if he says no and refuses? You can’t stay in this perpetual state for your life because of his actions. You haven’t had closure and he rightfully should be giving that to you.

I think you owe it to yourself to change your situation and positively and not just settle. You very much deserve that.

Also from what you said, if she took a photo of him at work - presumably she’s a colleague? Did they stop message? Would they be engaging on other platforms? If he’s still secretive with the phone that’s red flags to me. Maybe he didn’t have a physical affair but sounded like he had an emotional one. You can recover from it but him burying his head now is not fair long term.

If your daughter grew up in the same circumstances and confided in you - what advice would you give her? I suspect not to settle and back herself.

Good luck OP. Really hard situation for you.

Original poster

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 08:15

Sartre · 10/08/2026 08:08

Your mistake was letting him know you’d found them without directly confronting him. He’s now learnt to delete all evidence because he knows you look. Who knows what he’s actually hiding now? For me the marriage would have been over when he said you were unattractive. It’s been half a decade though, have you got into shape? Just curious whether he still views you in this way if so.

I put on a lot of weight as I was very very ill after the birth of our child. I didn't see it creeping up on me. I've been a lot better over the last 2.5 years and have lost 5 stone. Still a bit to go, but I'm getting there and on lots of medication due to ill health and menopause. I'm looking better, but I've always been confident in myself (my OP doesn't give that impression, but I have an amazing network of friends that know my circumstances and are 100% supportive.

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Original poster

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 08:11

Ilovelurchers · 10/08/2026 05:08

I am going to report this as I don't see how this can be genuine, as OP contradicts herself massively in her first two posts, first saying she can never know what was in the messages, then saying she read them. She later says she wants to edit her OO to clarify, but that's not a typo is it, it's a completely contradiction, she complains more than once in the OP about the fact she can never know what the messages said ....

On the off chance it's real OP (and you somehow forgot you had read them when you wrote your original post?), your marriage can't work unless you get some outside help with it because: you feel the need to check his private messages; he called you unattractive which is pretty downright unforgivable, unless he said it under duress and retracted it later?

I would try relationship counselling, as you have a kid.

I also think you need to get a life. Reporting a post due to a mistake made in the OP is so unsupportive. Just move on if you don't believe it.....but you don't know do you.....I doubt anyone would write such a post and make it up. Who has time for that????

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Sartre · 10/08/2026 08:08

Your mistake was letting him know you’d found them without directly confronting him. He’s now learnt to delete all evidence because he knows you look. Who knows what he’s actually hiding now? For me the marriage would have been over when he said you were unattractive. It’s been half a decade though, have you got into shape? Just curious whether he still views you in this way if so.

Original poster

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 08:04

Ilovelurchers · 10/08/2026 05:08

I am going to report this as I don't see how this can be genuine, as OP contradicts herself massively in her first two posts, first saying she can never know what was in the messages, then saying she read them. She later says she wants to edit her OO to clarify, but that's not a typo is it, it's a completely contradiction, she complains more than once in the OP about the fact she can never know what the messages said ....

On the off chance it's real OP (and you somehow forgot you had read them when you wrote your original post?), your marriage can't work unless you get some outside help with it because: you feel the need to check his private messages; he called you unattractive which is pretty downright unforgivable, unless he said it under duress and retracted it later?

I would try relationship counselling, as you have a kid.

Trust me....this is real. I just couldn't edit the OP to say that I read the message. I corrected this in a response later. I'm curious though as to why on earth you would report me?????

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Original poster

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 08:01

PloddingAlong21 · 10/08/2026 07:17

Are there any positives to your marriage? Are you happy at all?

There are positives and these outweigh the negatives. He's a good husband in the most part and a very good dad. Our daughter adores her daddy. However, I find this difficult to overcome. It's not a constant daily thought, but can come up when I'm feeling down and in a thinking mood (I'm a deep thinker). I start wondering if I'm good enough. I'm very confident, have a good job, great friends, really outgoing and personable. He's the opposite and has slight autistic tendancies so our personalities are different. That being said, I'd be fine on my own.....but I wonder if it's worth it. I would just want to know where his head was at. Is he still messaging? He still had her as an insta contact after knowing how unhappy I was, so I find that disrespectful. I'm not controlling, but I do expect respect in a marriage after seeing disrespect in my parents marriage. I don't think that's too much to ask 🤷🏼

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thesealion · 10/08/2026 07:30

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 03:53

No, I don't have a lot of trust in people in general. There are reasons for that, I'm not just insecure. I've been let down bushes of times by family members, so trust is not easy for me.

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This isn’t your husband’s problem, bluntly, and it doesn’t give you carte Blanche to invade people’s privacy. He’s allowed to have female friends and colleagues and message them. I’d be hugely pissed off of my partner snooped through my phone (it would be a dealbreaker for me, because I’ve been the snooper in the past when I had appalling mental health which in hindsight I hid behind and behaved in a controlling and occasionally abusive manner in previous relationships). I would also find my partner unattractive if he put on a lot of weight. All that said, you’re not obliged to stay in a relationship you’re unhappy in.

PloddingAlong21 · 10/08/2026 07:17

Are there any positives to your marriage? Are you happy at all?

Ilovelurchers · 10/08/2026 05:08

I am going to report this as I don't see how this can be genuine, as OP contradicts herself massively in her first two posts, first saying she can never know what was in the messages, then saying she read them. She later says she wants to edit her OO to clarify, but that's not a typo is it, it's a completely contradiction, she complains more than once in the OP about the fact she can never know what the messages said ....

On the off chance it's real OP (and you somehow forgot you had read them when you wrote your original post?), your marriage can't work unless you get some outside help with it because: you feel the need to check his private messages; he called you unattractive which is pretty downright unforgivable, unless he said it under duress and retracted it later?

I would try relationship counselling, as you have a kid.

Ohdearnotthisagain · 10/08/2026 04:39

It’s been five years.

You either need to put it behind you or leave him.

This is no way to live.

Fontet · 10/08/2026 04:08

It would be over for me….if there is any doubt at all, there is no trust. No trust, no point x

Original poster

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 03:56

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 08/08/2026 08:44

Do you mean you found the messages but didn’t actually read them? The fact that he deleted them would suggest that whatever was written would have been inappropriate.

I found the messages and read them. I want able to edit my OP. They were not inappropriate sexually, more innuendo.... If I recall, something to do with a french connection..... But I can't recall verbatim. All I know is if he has nothing to hide, why delete them?

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Original poster

Poomonster · 10/08/2026 03:53

DesperateHousewife2018 · 10/08/2026 02:59

Can I ask, how did you come to find a read the messages in the first place? I have access to my partners phone and he has the same with mine, but I never have checked his private messages because I trust him. It seems you looked at his phone once to find and read the messages and then again to see they were deleted…did you trust him before you read them?

No, I don't have a lot of trust in people in general. There are reasons for that, I'm not just insecure. I've been let down bushes of times by family members, so trust is not easy for me.

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DesperateHousewife2018 · 10/08/2026 02:59

Can I ask, how did you come to find a read the messages in the first place? I have access to my partners phone and he has the same with mine, but I never have checked his private messages because I trust him. It seems you looked at his phone once to find and read the messages and then again to see they were deleted…did you trust him before you read them?

Brokentoes85 · 10/08/2026 01:21

Poomonster · 08/08/2026 09:03

I did read them. They weren't sexual, but I think inappropriate as he shouldn't be engaging in private messages with any woman. There was also a picture taken by said woman with my husband looking out the window of his office. The messages were obviously refering to some sort of "in joke" that they shared. What also hurts is that after I found them and then made it very clear that I was unhappy, he maintained this person on his Instagram..... possibly messaging after being so secretive with his phone. Just not sure I can get this out of my head and it's making me unhappy to the point that I'd rather be in my own than have this in my head.

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" I could never know what had actually been said "

This makes no sense. You could, because you did read them.

5 years? You've missed the boat.

Frozensun · 10/08/2026 00:57

I’ve had male friends, including work friends my whole adult life. Number I’ve had affairs with is zero. I’d suggest that the unattractive comment pushed you into a place you’ve not come back from. As you’ve admitted, the comments were not flirty or sexual. Regularly bringing it up will finish your marriage (after 5 years of it). I think you need to look at getting some counselling to work out why you’re still back 5 years ago. And your husband has not broken any trust (IMO). He was having a social conversation with a workmate who happened to be female. Would you have thought the same if it were the same comments with a male?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 10/08/2026 00:43

Poomonster · 08/08/2026 09:03

I did read them. They weren't sexual, but I think inappropriate as he shouldn't be engaging in private messages with any woman. There was also a picture taken by said woman with my husband looking out the window of his office. The messages were obviously refering to some sort of "in joke" that they shared. What also hurts is that after I found them and then made it very clear that I was unhappy, he maintained this person on his Instagram..... possibly messaging after being so secretive with his phone. Just not sure I can get this out of my head and it's making me unhappy to the point that I'd rather be in my own than have this in my head.

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he shouldn't be engaging in private messages with any woman

Why on earth not? I've got about 20 conversations in the last 6 months with various people of the opposite sex that aren't DP and I'm not related to. Not a one of them is inappropriate.

Given that ridiculous rule, and the fact you've been nosing through his conversations, I'm not surprised he's deleted them and being more protective of his phone.

Anonyanonay · 10/08/2026 00:39

I'm sorry, but when someone tells their spouse that they've become unattractive, that ends the marriage right there.

Sensiblesal · 10/08/2026 00:26

I don’t think the issue here is the measages, I think its the him making you feel unattractive.

before thinking of counselling, what would you need to feel attractive & confident again?

what have you done to try and make yourself feel attractive? The feeling attractive/confidence/self esteem comes from within us. So yes he said words that hurt & words that made you feel a certain way but he can’t actually fix that. Instead of spending the money on counselling, ring fence it for your self care. Learn to love yourself & to feel you are attractive again. then consider if the marriage is dead in the water or not.

morselover69 · 09/08/2026 23:57

my bf told me i was getting a bit of a chubby monster, i took his advice to join a gym. we are much happier now, i’d recommend you doing that too