AIBU to feel our marriage may be over after deleted messages

My phone is open to my long term partner. If he wants to look, go for it but he'd probably be bored rigid.

Telling you that you were unattractive was pretty low. Was this part of what men do to blame the wife when having an affair? Yes. Thing is, you'll never know and with him being secretive still then it's not good.

Since then, he has become much more protective of his phone and, whenever I raise the Instagram situation, he gets annoyed and doesn't really want to talk about it. He continues to say he did nothing wrong and that I'm dwelling on something that happened five years ago.

@Poomonster , this is the key paragraph.

If he cared about you and your feelings he would be prepared to be wholly transparent.
The simple, and obvious, fact is that he is hiding something. It may be significant, or it may not. But if he isn't willing to talk it through honestly and openly with you, then how can he possibly build trust between you.
Only you can decide if you can live with this.

Honestly, I'd be more worried that he happily told you that you were unattractive to him than about messages. That's really hurtful and I know when I've put on weight my dh would never dare say such a thing, the only concern he would have would be my health and happiness.
I think you have to back away from the concept of "is he or isn't he" having an affair and think about what you want, what you love about him, and whether this is bringing you any joy. Your post is all about him breaking the trust and him looking at other women but not about you or your feelings. If you do really love him, he makes you feel happy and brings joy to your life then I think you can definitely get over this issue. You'll need to honestly talk about it, and probably get some counselling to help you get over it and for him to understand your boundaries. If you both want to fix it, it's definitely possible. You both need to make the decision to try - reading your post I am not convinced you both will want to. It's probably easier to say "I think he is unfaithful" due to some random and unknowable messages than "I don't love him" - is that possibly what you are doing?

You could tell him what his behavior means. Tell him erasing messages and being touchy about his phone doesn't reassure you. Tell him how you have been ruminating, micro analyzing his attitude toward you, how this constant weight costs and drains you. Ask him how he would like to have a wife he did not know was faithful to him? Would he like to wonder about that for five years? Would he accept being dismissed the same way?

Can he understand your pain? Can he give you access to his phone? Can he explain what happened five years ago and what his connection is with this woman and unfollow her? Can he be transparent about what raises your doubts in his behavior or feels dismissive to you? Does he know the comments he made in the past hurt your trust in him?

5 years, over 1,800 days, you've been brooding about these texts. What a waste of your energy.

To me, it sounds like he may have been bantering / mildly flirting but stopped when you called him out about it FIVE years ago - more than half your dc's life you've been holding onto this.

I think counselling as a couple is a great idea, if you stay together it will help your relationship or if you split it will help you build a foundation for future co-parenting.

First, I think you could benefit from some counselling just you, to get things in proportion and work out what you want

the fact they was delete tells me he knew it was wrong, the reason you haven’t “got over it” is because it hasn’t fully been dealt with, he’s failed to reassure you it meant nothing or that your marriage is secure so it will keep resurfacing no matter how much time passes. He can not blame you for feeling this way when it was his actions that lead to it. You need to have a proper conversation with him and explain how it made you feel and how you need reassurance if after proper deep calm conversation you still don’t believe him then I would consider ending the marriage. A lot of couples do this where the past is always brought up but that is because it’s not been dealt with properly, if both people want it to work they will find a way. Some people just make a stupid mistake for what ever reason, the fact he’s stayed with you 5 years after it has got to count for something x

You've spent 5 years trying to convince yourself this shouldn't be an issue any more and you should be happy. But you aren't. Do you want to spend even one more year trying to persuade yourself into feeling happy? Five years? Fifteen years?

There is no minimum qualifying 'evidence' or facts needed to reach the bar of "You're allowed to get out of this relationship'. No-one is going to come along and say "Ah no, sorry PooMonster, you only met 4 out of the 5 requirements for asking him to leave, you have to stay with him". If you're not happy then you're not happy, it's not like you've not spent long enough trying! If you want out then you only need your own permission. Yes, it's a big step to take with a child, but do you want to live the rest of your life so miserable and unsettled in your marriage? Would your child at 40 years of age thank you for staying for their benefit, knowing you were miserable?

I think it depends on the context and how it was relayed. I mean, if you marry someone and the physical attraction was a big part of falling in love with them, if a few years later they had let themselves go/put a lot of weight on, wouldn’t you mention it?

The you're not attractive comment would have been the end for me tbh.

You've thought about this for 5 years, 1/3rd of your marriage.
Do you know if he still finds you ' unattractive '

I didn't vote because i wasn't sure which was which in this scenario.
But i would push for couples councilling. Don't walk away without i final effort to resolve this and move on

Do you just want out rhe marriage op, if so you can just end it. You don’t need to find reasons, it’s ok to say this doesn’t work for me and I’m not happy

I'm on team DH here - it sounds like he really didn't do anything wrong - I communicate with former male colleagues in an affectionate and jokey manner regularly. DH. also has similar friendships with women- we trust each other, That you've endured a miserable 5 years of marriage since friendgate is ridiculous.
I'd also be interested in his version of the comments about your attractiveness as you come across as being economical with the truth - your early posts were not clear that you'd read the posts and their content contained nothing incriminating.

If you'd like to remain in the marriage you must let this go. Counselling might help. I couldn't stick my communications being controlled by a partner TBH

Is this for real? If it is, sorry, why have you let this fester for 5 years! Your suspicion and lack action or communication has poisoned your relationship. You say you don't know if he had an affair but have done nothing but let this eat you up.

I mean it doesn't sound great but I wouldn't jump straight to LTB given you don't know he actually did anything other than exchange messages that by your own admission weren't inappropriate. I can understand your doubts and why you are struggling with trust but surely you'd be best to see if counselling would help before choosing the nuclear option and splitting up your family

This.

She does know. She says she read them and nothing in them. It was simply he was messaging a member of the opposite sex

i grant you it doesn’t make sense though.

Tbh, it’s very tedious to be with someone who persistently believes you’re unfaithful and will read into perfectly neutral messages between you and your colleague just because she happens to be female. You didn’t talk to him openly about how you felt, just snooped and manipulated with your “hints” so he couldn’t defend himself or explain in an open conversation. You indirectly told him you thought it was wrong, then got angry when he thought “she thinks it’s wrong, I better delete them before she gets upset that I did something she doesn’t approve of”. You manufactured that whole scenario! That smacks of controlling behaviour and if the roles were reversed, people on here would be telling you that jealousy and snooping was a red flag.

The “unattractive” comment was very hurtful and unnecessary. But I think it’s a separate issue.

Edited for grammar and clarity.

Bit of a mixed up thread op. On one side you say why delete if nothing in them, them you say you read them and there was in fact nothing in them, it’s the mere fact he chatted to a member of rne opposite sex.

the unattractive thing is Brutal , did he use those words, say you’re unattractive or did he say something like he didn’t find you as attractive due to the weight gain.

ifs been five years, ifs a long time to be upset over messages you read which you yourself say were innocent.

I think you have checked out of the marriage and have stayed married because of your daughter , but it's taken you 5 years to summons up the courage to admit it and to deal with the hurtful disrespectful remarks about your weight.and your suspicions .

Social media is the dearth of normal communication in relationships leading to all kinds of behaviours, self promotion of a perfect life, body confidence, etc. Too many people send and receive photos and videos reels of themselves having a good time, partying, or send comments, jokes, innuendo or flirty message to their enormous number of ' friends' and it can be very annoying and difficult to reign it in, even.ifvyou are only on the receiving end and especially when work colleagues start intruding into colleagues private lives via Instagram etc.

He deleted ithe messages because he thought they were inappropriate . And they probably were. But you don't actually know what they said only that they were from another female.
What else makes you think he was having an affair? Who was the woman? What other suspicious behaviour went on? 5 years is a long time to wait to bottle up your concerns. Maybe you should get some one to one counselling then couples counselling before you make big decisions about this. .

She did read them - nothing inappropriate, he just shouldn't be having private conversations with other women in her opinion

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this.
I have had a slightly similar experience with my other half (although contact with another woman was confirmed and sexual in nature) and can tell you that it is incredibly difficult to rebuild trust. Remember though - it’s not you who broke the trust so it’s not you who has to work to repair it. That’s his responsibility - is he willing to do it?
yes, you need to take his word for some things and I don’t think you’ll ever truly trust him like you did before because there will always be a nagging doubt (in my case anyway), but it does definitely sound like you both need help to secure your future together.
I’d look into counselling - he doesn’t even need to go with you but they will help you process your own feelings and help you to move forward either way (without feeling like you are making a quick/potentially life changing and devastating decision).

another thing I found incredibly helpful was some of the videos and posts from an American couple I found on instagram and Facebook. If you search for the McCabe Life Marriage counselling, they explain a lot very well. They are both Christians and sometimes relate videos to their beliefs (not everyone’s cup of tea) but the majority of videos are not and I found they have a way of putting into words exactly what I was feeling. That in itself helped a lot.

I wish you all the very best and I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you. Xxx 💐 💐💐

So @Poomonster there was no inappropriate content in the messages you read you just didn't like the fact that they existed? Can you not see how unfair that is - he's not allowed to have conversations that you don't approve of? How did you happen to find them? Were you going through his phone?

Now, I do agree that a comment about being unattractive is a twattish thing to do (is that what he actually said? That he found you unattractive, or was it more vague than that?). However, I think it's the comment feeding your insecurity rather than the messages themselves. The timing of it is a bit suspect I'll agree.

And, I'll be honest, I would be a bit twitchy with my phone if innocuous messages were going to be interpreted with a predisposed negative mindset.

I did read them. They weren't sexual, but I think inappropriate as he shouldn't be engaging in private messages with any woman.

I strongly disagree with this. I have male friends from work, and outside work, we message, why wouldn't we? And in jokes are very normal amongst coworkers. This does sound rather controlling and unreasonable on your part and that is perhaps the reason he deleted them rather than it implying any guilt.

I would be more concerned about the comment re being unattractive. And clearly you do need to do something to fix your relationship or call it quits. Would he be open to counselling?

You should have read the messages at the time. But instead you didn't even discuss them with him you just made a comment. No one will ever know if he had an affair but he probably deleted the messages after you made your comment as he knew you were aware he had messages on his phone.
To me inappropriate messages do cross the line but you dont know if they were inappropriate. Instead you've just dwelled on it for 5 years and are still and never will be any wiser.
So what do you want to happen. Are you happy in your marriage and want to save it or have you had enough and want to leave?
Also even with counselling how will you ever know what happened so how will you get over it.
If he is being secretive with his phone then simply ask to look at it.