AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

I earn 70% of the household income and do all the family organising 😅. Honestly it’s just what works for you. That works for us. I personally mind if we split the stuff around organising the kids neither of us would know what was going on. I deal with it all and delegate out what needs done.
Can you afford to chuck some money at the situation? Get a cleaner? Or even something like a skylight calendar to keep everything organised better?

Join this group, it's great: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879

Join this group, it's great for understanding the gaps between partners and how to discuss and redistribute them: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879
A lot of people don't understand how much the mental load weighs - and most of it is usually done by the mums. There are lots of "influencer" type people on Facebook (mainly on Reels) who talk about it though, and this "cartoon" explains it really well: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
RE: finances, it shouldn't matter what he "pays for" and what you "pay for" - all money belongs to the family! It shouldn't matter if he earns more than you - if you both work full time then you should share childcare, cooking etc equally. You need to sit down and have a discussion and draw up lists.

Sorry no words of advice here but just to say I completely feel and get this.

Yet in our household I contribute to 50% of the bills, do 9/10 school drop offs / picks ups, all the school admin etc.. he doesn’t see it or get it. Then he’s almost bullying me to go back to work on a Friday when second & last DC starts school in Sept. Even though I do 4 long days. I’ve had enough to be fair!! (Sorry needed that rant).

You are not being unreasonable! In our house I am the larger earner, similar split with you and your husband but I know that just because I earn more doesn't mean my effort and time isnt more valuable than my partner. Okay we're able to put different mometary amounts into the pot but our effort in contributing to the house and kids is 50:50, and if either of us is overwhelmed the other tries to step up for a bit to give the other some breathing room. Tell your husband the Internet thinks he needs to get with the times!

It’s just so common for men to faff around at work to be ‘sooo busy’ and get home late, unfortunately missing bedtime, when women don’t have that luxury.

My husband and I have realised we used to faff around pre kids … we often finished at 6/630, these days I leave at 4 and he finishes at 4.50 and works efficiently (funnily enough he has a ‘big job’ and takes home at least 4 times more than me) he’s able to do bedtime 9/10 days.

OP does he do all the cleaning? You’ve broken down the jobs you do lumped all the cleaning into 1 job?

In our house I do a lot of the house and kid
mental load, but he does other stuff like bills mental load and car/home maintenance mental load.

it doesn’t matter who is paid what….its about how much you do.
You need to speak to him about what you both do - make a list and try to discuss if it’s fair. Look at ways to streamline (hint - getting one person to meal plan and another to shop is not sensible!)

It’s the age old story unfortunately. 🙄

This is an ongoing point of reflection for me as I do all the same things with my two children, I sometimes find myself annoyed with my partner not doing some of these things but then when I play the scenarios out in my head I can totally see what would end up happening if he took over more of the responsibility:

Haircuts - they’ve taken too much off
Parents evenings - “WHAT, you didn’t ask x, y, z?!”
Clothes - I don’t like these outfits, nothing matches 😅
Food shops - I’m not a fan of this meal
Laundry - I like things folded in this way and in these particular drawers

Honestly for me I get why my partner leaves me to it and reluctantly I have to admit to myself that I like to do things the right way my way. His way isn’t wrong and our children would function perfectly well if he took over but I wouldn’t like not having my system in place. I’m not suggesting that this is the case for you but I wonder if other women are like that too and that’s why the load seems unfairly split sometimes

Look up the concept of the triple shift. Unfortunately it’s nothing new and there are many women who have been experiencing the same thing for decades.
I know this doesn’t help you, but you are not alone.
My husband doesn’t even have the excuse of being the higher earner or having the most stressful job (I claim both of those titles) but I still end up doing all of the life admin as well 😟

I think if asking x y and z is relevant to understanding your children’s progression at school academically and socially then it’s shit to forget. And what do you mean by laundry has to go there? Shorts and pants do have to go in each kids shorts and pants drawers otherwise the kids can’t find anything and the remaining compétent parent has to use their own time to sort and put away so the kids have clothes. These are basic standards.
I accept I won’t love every meal dh cooks, with 3 active dc and two full time working parents there are a lot of nights that are just about feeding the kids a decent home cooked meal and that’s ok, I’d be a princess to expect the cooking to cater to me instead. Clothes I accept a range of quite frequently. I don’t accept putting the 3yo in something nice for nursery that will immediately be too trashed to ever wear for nice again, as that’s burning money and requiring me to shop again. I do point out when things are on backwards and expect dh to fix that as part of his learning and development as a parent.

What do you pay for? Swap it around immediately so you now pay for the food and he covers other things. He’s just signed up to be the sole chef. What a dick he sounds like ‘I pay for it wah wah wah.’

I’ve seen this with a few friends and it seems increasingly common. The days when women stayed home while men earned the money are largely gone, yet somehow women are still expected to pick up most of the childcare, housework and mental load.

If you both work full-time, I think you should be equal partners at home. Him earning more doesn’t change the fact that you spend the same amount of time working. What bothers me most is the assumption that men’s downtime is somehow more valuable, while women are expected to absorb all this unpaid labour. Your time and your need for rest are just as valuable as his.

This sounds like our house except we are pretty much 50/50 on bills as earn the same. He does in terms time get the kids up and dropped at school and nursery each day though, but admin wise it is all me. I sort clothes for the day and leave out, washing, buying relevant clothes etc, doing club admin, school admin, homework etc. But I wouldn't have it any other way, if I didn't do it I would worry it wouldn't get done, so just get on with it for the sack of the kids having what they need when they need it.

I feel your pain op.

I suggest you step back from doing as much for your own mental health

Just start delegating:

'Little Timmy's dentist appointment is Monday at 2, please take him'

'Can you help Olivia with her homework DH, book's on the table'

'Can you sort dinner tomorrow'

Etc etc.

He'll huff and puff but he probably usually does anyway???

It's easy to miss that one person in the family has to take the lead on these things, otherwise things will be missed.

I found it easier to say " please can you collect x from a and b at these times every week" and he would.

Holiday planning, again, it would fall down if 2 busy people tried to organise it together, we there would be no time to sit and do so.

From your posts, I think things sound a fair distribution of roles at your stage of life.

Pays 70% of the bills, takes them to breakfast club everyday you said?
Bath's them and puts them to bed?
You get to have a social life...
I'm not actually sure what you want from him and I think if he started to do the cooking etc you'd still find something to be unhappy about.
Mom's do all the mental workload. That's just how it is and we do it because we feel if we aren't the ones organising etc it wouldn't be done properly. Stereotypes are there for a reason because they are true.
What you could do...

• do the shopping online - I don't think you realise how much time a stress this saves.
• get a cleaner for once every 1/2 weeks.
• get a gardener - once a month

Its not the time, its the cognitive load of always preempting others needs and being left with little remaining brain capacity for personal interests, delight and joy.

I realised a couple of years ago that I would spend all my free time mentally scanning everybody's needs for the next day, constantly anticipating the next mealtimes on behalf of the whole family and mentally preparing for everyone to have clothes and equipment for activities that were coming up.

My husband didn't, he was thinking about his hobbies. He was responsible for car admin and nothing else and my car ran out of MOT fir 6 months before he noticed.

We redistributed some of the responsibilities and placed minimum expectations against each and I feel so much lighter. I have the capacity to think about what I want a little and our relationship had been positively affected

I have never heard of volunteering being a condition of entry to a sports team. I never had to do this with my kids. I also thought a nursery was a business with the prices they charge and should be run by staff.

My husband works longgg hours and very physically taxing job. I work from home and it’s all online and very flexible. Due to this, I deal with the majority of child stuff/house hold, as I honestly don’t know when he’d do it himself. But he also does kids baths and bedtimes whenever he can (usually 2-3 nights a week when he gets home in time) pays for majority of things, happy for us to outsource jobs such as a weekly cleaner and we get healthy ready meals delivered for 3 nights a week and always one takeaway on weekend. He also helps with an easy dinner on a weekend, usually just pizzas and salad or something. In turn, I deal with all kids drop off/pick ups, tidying, making arrangements, I make him a healthy lunch every day, washing etc. he’s a fantastic dad and husband, so I know we need to help each other where we can.

unfortunately in everyday life, something has got to give!! Outsource what you can, make cutbacks wherever to afford these, it takes the mental load off so much!

What changed things for us was me insisting on us sitting down for a weekly meeting, laying everything out and allocating it. Of course someone who is getting lots done for them doesn’t want to acknowledge this - it’s much easier to say “it doesn’t matter who does most” or “there’s not that much to do”. But equally it’s worth trying to identify which tasks annoy you the most and try to swap or share with him. For example switch who is cooking and clearing dinner and who is doing bedtime each night. How can he say that’s not fair if you’re swapping daily?
I notice you say that one of your DC has been through a tough time with medical needs and appointments. The toll of this is very easy to overlook if you’ve not been through it. It’s administrative but also demands a lot cognitively in remembering everything at every appointment and in emotional support for the child. You’ve done a great thing getting them through this. Even if your DH doesn’t fully appreciate it make sure you acknowledge to yourself what you’ve achieved here and do something to reward yourself even if it’s just an afternoon off shopping with a friend.

Not for profit childcares are run by a committee of management at least in Victoria, my state, and the committee is parent volunteers. We have to do child safe training etc. At least the childcare does have staff- kindergartens are the same but no staff to implement the committee decisions, just the room teachers as they don’t charge parents enough to pay for any of that. So I’ve done performance management reviews, job interviews, policy updates, etc.

In my state in Australia football (Australian rules) we have about 11 required parent roles per match, some permanent like coach and assistant coach and most others have a couple of parents who rotate. The club is run by a volunteer committee. Basketball has two main roles and 2 additional parents required for each match for scoring and spotting, including in the competitive league. Little Athletics parents need to fill the weekly roster each week and your child doesn’t get an award unless parents have done shifts for 60% of the seasons days. Thats grassroots sport. Everyone recognises there will be some exceptions in parent availability but no one respects an entitled pisstaker. Just put your child in private lessons on their own where they never get that good because it’s a team sport but at least you’re not scumming off other people, your child will suffer for it though.

Yes this sounds familiar....I do the majority too. I do ironing, washing, mending clothes, occasionally food shopping (dh does that mostly especially if heavy tins) , I do hoovering and dusting, school admin, etc. I hear you OP. I also get overwhelmed too.

I love him and he is a good person and the children adore him. We’ve been together for 10 years and had our ups and downs but he has helped me through some really tough times, I am always grateful for that. We also get on really well and generally have a happy life. This is good, but - he'd say the same of you, right? What you've described isn't a special contribution that he is making (and you are not), but rather the shared baseline of your relationship, family, household, and life.

His doing less that half the work of maintaining the household is clearly bothering you. I disagree with his claim that because he makes more money than you he deserves to contribute less at home. It MAY be that his making more money also means that he has to spend more time making money than you do, and that means that he has less time than you do that is not already committed. But overall, you each should end up with roughly the same amount of leisure time, and it does not sound like that is the case. It IS possible that you may be doing work that he genuinely does not believe is needed - to use a simple example, he may think you do tasks for the children that they could and should do themselves - but the way to work all of this through is via conversation and compromise.

You say He is happy with how things are, happy to pay more as he isn’t good at planning or being organised and that sounds like he is not willing to engage or consider any kind of change. That is a big problem, and of course YANBU to keep pointing it out and pressuring him to act like a partner rather than a boss. If you believe that he loves and cares for you, can you appeal to him on the basis that you are seriously unhappy and his lack of engagement (1) hurts someone he claims to care about and (2) risks the health and future of a relationship which seems to be important to him?

OP you’ve also posted about all the stuff that he does do - bedtime. He always does pickups and you do drop offs. It sounds like it’s more than he doesn’t plan/think ahead but he does do tasks you set him?

I do think sometimes that’s something you’ll need to accept isn’t a skill he has. He likely wouldn’t have it even if he didn’t have kids and is more of a ‘go with the flow’ person. His justification that it’s ok because he pays more is also a problem.

The cooking approach is a poor one. He’s being lazy. However if he is happy to throw money at a situation thinking that’s his contribution - take him at his word and order meal delivery service. We use Gousto because I haven’t got the mental capacity to sit and plan, subsequently resorting to freezer food or whatever else. Therefore we do our dinners through that. I often cook because I’m home first, but it’s so easy as I follow instruction and it’s all delivered to you. It isn’t loads more expensive. if that’s not within budget can you order online and get a delivery, save you the trip? The wider weekly shop DH does on Sundays as I don’t love doing it and he says I forget stuff (which is often true).

We also have a cleaner once a week, she also irons clothes. Both of these things are needed because we are both working flat out and doing some really long hours. Financially I contribute more but he has the more ‘important’ and inflexible job tbh.

On the mental load / school front, it becomes a lot more at school as you know. It feels relentless. We did try to split it but it was a nightmare and neither knew quite who picked up what because school comms were so erratic. Sometimes things were being done twice and sometimes not at all. As such I took control of it as it was ultimately way more efficient for us. I still like to moan about it, but as a PP said - I wouldn’t actually want to hand much of it over in reality if I thought about it and would want to know all about what he did, what was said etc anyway, making handing over pointless.

So…I guess what are you will to accept won’t be split because it’s not that practice or not his strength? And is the issue really his attitude he’s more important simply because of his earnings, which would infuriate me more than anything else.