Page 3 | AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

Daydreamer94 · 2026-08-07T23:11:22+00:00

I am really just so annoyed with DH. I love him and he is a good person and the children adore him. We’ve been together for 10 years and had our ups and downs but he has helped me through some really tough times, I am always grateful for that. We also get on really well and generally have a happy life. However a recurring argument we have is that I feel I have the majority of the mental load, for example with the children I do all their school club admin, I am always at the teacher parent meetings, I do the homework etc. I take care of all their doctors appointments/hospital visits. I sort out all their clothes and buy new ones. I do the food shop and plan all our meals and cook them. I do the laundry. DH helps with paying 70% of the bills and cleaning, his argument is he has a very demanding job, not wfh and he pays for majority. He mostly pays for our days out but I do contribute. We both work fulltime but my job is more flexible. I said I feel overwhelmed with it all holding a fulltime job and also all mentioned above. He said he can’t do anymore and it shouldn’t matter as someone will always do more than the other but thats family. I said but it feels like I am doing most. He got angry and said I am accusing him of not doing anything, but the children never want for anything and he tries to do as much as he is able ( work permitting ) I just feel really depleted, am I being taken advantage of? Is this normal in other families, do women just do more?

arethereanyleftatall · Yesterday 14:01

I think what he said about ‘paying for the food’ is potentially a troubling mindset.

What matters is the number of hours you work, if his hourly rate is more than yours, that doesn’t count as him putting more effort in. I’m sure you’ve both heard of the gender pay gap.

money should be pooled, and if you work the same number of hours, you should be doing equal hours spent in to home stuff too.

Pessismistic · Yesterday 19:29

Daydreamer94 · Yesterday 12:31

He does pull his weight with household chores but still majority falls on me. And I am starting to resent him for it. His argument is that if he is paying for all the food ( which he does ) then it seems fair that I plan and cook. I have sent him to do the food shop before but he comes back with the wrong things - which is annoying because he sees what we buy - his attention to detail isn’t great!

I like working and like my job and in terms of free time we both have no free time tbh. Weekends we spend together as a family and I tend to go out more with friends as DH has moved to UK from abroad so doesn't have many friends - I have encouraged him to make some but he says the time he has he would rather spend with us.

I will suggest making a list but he hates that sort of thing and finds it trivial. He is happy with how things are, happy to pay more as he isn’t good at planning or being organised - his words. But he just doesn’t get how mentally taxing this all is.

Is he serious about that he pays so you have to do the rest oh wow op just cheeky. What is wrong with men who think that paying more into the pot it gives them a cushy life. Hi op can you book the appointments but let him take dc if your both working full time he isn’t pulling his weight and yes many women are in the same situation as you, is there anything you can give him to free up the mental load! This is quite common here men thinking money counts more than the physical stuff. Try and see if there are things you can pass on to him or order food online to free you up.

TrunkElliot · Yesterday 19:38

@Pessismistic
The op says he does the majority of the cleaning, all the house maintenance and the house admin.

Brokeandold · Yesterday 19:38

Our DD is just 16 , we have 2 Ds’s in their 20’s
and this has been my life mainly. DH worked FT and I work PT, term time so I have done most of the organising, cleaning, cooking, now I feel drained-in my late 50’s, I dream about disappearing into the sunset to explore the world a bit but I couldnt do that to my DD, maybe when she’s in her 20’s , our DS’s have their own lives.
He has always sorted the cars, now he's retired he does cook and food shop. He rarely cleans tho-mess etc does not bother him.
I think he went to 1 or 2 parents evenings , thats for all of our DC, maybe did the school pick up a few times.
I don't understand why some men dont think about it all, totally unaware!
I remember when I was due to have our DD , I organised hot school meals for our DS’s for a few weeks, I told my DH but when I had her , he came into see me ,all proud of himself for packing their lunches… oh well!!!

Dontwanttheseboobies · Yesterday 19:40

DH and I have had this exact same
argument today. We both work full time in demanding jobs, I actually earn significantly more than him (not that it’s relevant as pp have said), and I still feel like I do everything. We are taking his kids (my step-kids) on holiday next week and I’ve done everything, all the planning, and the booking, insurance, thinking about and buying all the stuff we might need (first aid kit. sun creams, do the kids need new swim suits etc) sorting all the activities that need to be booked in advance...
In one previous argument on the same topic he threw at me that he’d actually taken the kids
out for a day that week… as if he was doing me a favour by looking after his own
children for a day! He told me today that he had loads to do to prep for the holiday and when I pressed him on what he actually has
to do he said he needed to do his packing..!!!

ToKittyornottoKitty · Yesterday 19:43

Dontwanttheseboobies · Yesterday 19:40

DH and I have had this exact same
argument today. We both work full time in demanding jobs, I actually earn significantly more than him (not that it’s relevant as pp have said), and I still feel like I do everything. We are taking his kids (my step-kids) on holiday next week and I’ve done everything, all the planning, and the booking, insurance, thinking about and buying all the stuff we might need (first aid kit. sun creams, do the kids need new swim suits etc) sorting all the activities that need to be booked in advance...
In one previous argument on the same topic he threw at me that he’d actually taken the kids
out for a day that week… as if he was doing me a favour by looking after his own
children for a day! He told me today that he had loads to do to prep for the holiday and when I pressed him on what he actually has
to do he said he needed to do his packing..!!!

Your situation isn’t the same as OPs, her DH does a fair bit and the kids are shared. Your DH is a looser, I’d be skipping that holiday and reevaluating the relationship if I were you

TrunkElliot · Yesterday 19:43

@Dontwanttheseboobies
Does your husband do anything around the house? Cleaning? House maintenance? House admin?

JJWT · Yesterday 19:44

I suggest you go part time.

Westcountrygal · Yesterday 19:45

It depends- sometimes one person in the family has incredibly high standards and creates a lot of work and expectation that the other person just doesn’t seem necessary. I remember a friend bitterly complaining that her husband wasn’t creating hand made confetti for a kids birthday party and doing bespoke invitations to hand out when he thought a WhatsApp group text would be just fine. Some are very highly strung over exactly how the dishwasher has to be loaded and what not and the partner just doesn’t see it that way.

Shawiiing · Yesterday 19:48

OP I really feel for you. My partner has ADHD and is main breadwinner and he does a ton of stuff with our kids but I have to do all the family’s admin, while also working (in a lower paid role), juggling my chronic ill heath and all the many appointments I have to attend and coordinate for that and care for my elderly parents. . A full time personal assistant wouldn’t have this much to do in a week and I'm constantly having to remind him of things needing done or chased up and then he forgets to do it and I have to remember and remind him again.

For me the biggest problem is knowing he cannot change so this is my life unless I leave and then I’d still be managing life around his shifts and having to go form him of the kids stuff. It’s relentless and exhausting.

if your husband doesn’t have the excuse of something like ADHD then work to rule/go on strike/do nothing. Two adult households ought to have two adults doing equal management of the household.

Pessismistic · Yesterday 20:25

TrunkElliot · Yesterday 19:38

@Pessismistic
The op says he does the majority of the cleaning, all the house maintenance and the house admin.

She also says majority falls on her. house bills aren’t exactly taxing so that’s not even comparable.

Dontwanttheseboobies · Yesterday 20:25

TrunkElliot · Yesterday 19:43

@Dontwanttheseboobies
Does your husband do anything around the house? Cleaning? House maintenance? House admin?

We have a cleaner and a gardener (I know we are fortunate to have that), and no he does nothing else unless I ask him to. Which means I still have to have thought about it in the first place. And usually when I do ask him the response is that he’s got far too much on with work to even think about anything else. No sure how much more of it I can take, to be honest 😭

Original poster

Daydreamer94 · Yesterday 20:48

arethereanyleftatall · Yesterday 14:01

I think what he said about ‘paying for the food’ is potentially a troubling mindset.

What matters is the number of hours you work, if his hourly rate is more than yours, that doesn’t count as him putting more effort in. I’m sure you’ve both heard of the gender pay gap.

money should be pooled, and if you work the same number of hours, you should be doing equal hours spent in to home stuff too.

I agree re troubling mindset. Its probably a cultural thing. I grew up in a pretty volatile DV household and my mother suffered all forms of abuse from my father - so I find it hard to pool money and like to keep it separate as I have worked hard not to have the life she had and she was fully dependent on him.

I don’t mind doing the food shopping and cooking but would be nice if he could at least meal plan. It’s just frustrating and I am trying to work out if I am being fussy or if it is in fact unfair.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daydreamer94 · Yesterday 20:51

Dontwanttheseboobies · Yesterday 19:40

DH and I have had this exact same
argument today. We both work full time in demanding jobs, I actually earn significantly more than him (not that it’s relevant as pp have said), and I still feel like I do everything. We are taking his kids (my step-kids) on holiday next week and I’ve done everything, all the planning, and the booking, insurance, thinking about and buying all the stuff we might need (first aid kit. sun creams, do the kids need new swim suits etc) sorting all the activities that need to be booked in advance...
In one previous argument on the same topic he threw at me that he’d actually taken the kids
out for a day that week… as if he was doing me a favour by looking after his own
children for a day! He told me today that he had loads to do to prep for the holiday and when I pressed him on what he actually has
to do he said he needed to do his packing..!!!

I am sorry! But hats off to you not sure I could do all that and they are not even my kids! I have done the same for our holiday planned, booked, organised, sorted all kids clothes/swimwear/shoes - he is booking the parking at the airport!

OP posts:

Original poster

Daydreamer94 · Yesterday 20:54

DrinkFeckArseBrick · Yesterday 13:26

How many hours do you work (paid) vs him? If he ends up working double your hours then I'd expect you to do the majority of the mental load. But if its more equal then I wouldn't. Also, I think it's a bit cheeky for him to say 'well I pay more so I'm absolved of responsibility' without your agreement. Unless you contribute nothing. What would he do if you said 'well I'm not putting anything in the joint account this month, or ever again actually, because I do the majority of the mental load.' That would be mental. What happens if you come into money one day (lottery, inheritance, big promotion) and end up contributing more than him to the household finances, would he be fine with you just stopping all organising?

I agree! And you make a great point about me not adding to the pot since I am clearly contributing more in other ways! He works slightly more than me but not double.

I just feel like he knows I will do it and so doesn’t do anything and feels as though he is paying his way - I don’t know - makes me feel what I do is not valued at all.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · Yesterday 21:53

Dontwanttheseboobies · Yesterday 19:40

DH and I have had this exact same
argument today. We both work full time in demanding jobs, I actually earn significantly more than him (not that it’s relevant as pp have said), and I still feel like I do everything. We are taking his kids (my step-kids) on holiday next week and I’ve done everything, all the planning, and the booking, insurance, thinking about and buying all the stuff we might need (first aid kit. sun creams, do the kids need new swim suits etc) sorting all the activities that need to be booked in advance...
In one previous argument on the same topic he threw at me that he’d actually taken the kids
out for a day that week… as if he was doing me a favour by looking after his own
children for a day! He told me today that he had loads to do to prep for the holiday and when I pressed him on what he actually has
to do he said he needed to do his packing..!!!

He sounds utterly awful, far far worse than the ops dh, and I hope you wake up soon and realise why his first wife ended it.

arethereanyleftatall · Yesterday 21:55

Dontwanttheseboobies · Yesterday 20:25

We have a cleaner and a gardener (I know we are fortunate to have that), and no he does nothing else unless I ask him to. Which means I still have to have thought about it in the first place. And usually when I do ask him the response is that he’s got far too much on with work to even think about anything else. No sure how much more of it I can take, to be honest 😭

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Honestly @Dontwanttheseboobies, get a divorce. You are paying for it all anyway, and he’s using you to parent his children. Set yourself free, you made a mistake, we all do, end it and move on to a happier life.

Pessismistic · Yesterday 22:06

Daydreamer94 · Yesterday 20:54

I agree! And you make a great point about me not adding to the pot since I am clearly contributing more in other ways! He works slightly more than me but not double.

I just feel like he knows I will do it and so doesn’t do anything and feels as though he is paying his way - I don’t know - makes me feel what I do is not valued at all.

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Hi op why does him putting in more money free him of his duties. He had kids with you your not his mother he must have done things for himself before you came along so he could do more he chooses not to.

Realworld10 · Yesterday 22:35

Do you do this because you're more able to wfh, eg washing, prepping meals etc? If he's not physically in the house he can't do these things. Of course it depends on your role and if you get much free time, which due to posts saying they have spare hours, suggests the one who wfh generally does more because they can?

I go out to work, 7.30am to 5pm or later, DH wfh and isn't always full on busy so will do housework during the day.