AIBU to think marrying after eight months is not always rash?

There's always an element of risk in marrying someone. We were similar to OP - mid 30s, really clicked, checked out each others family and friends to make sure they weren't hiding loads of red flags, and went for it. Not far off our silver wedding now. We took the risk, just like anyone does when they get married.

I couldn’t agree more.

I don’t really buy into it either. I feel I’ve been very lucky that things have worked out so well. That said, when I met DH I’d been single for a while and had previously ended a relationship with someone who had an armful of red flags. So I had a better idea of what I was looking for.

Hmm I don't really think of it as "when you know you know" in my case. I think that phrase implies something like we all have a soulmate and we just knew we were each other's soulmate at first sight or something.

I think people who get married quickly tend to often have a slightly different view, something more like, we will grow into each other's lives and probably annoy each other and need to change our habits for each other but that's a meaningful and sweet part of life that we're excited for.

And then the "knowing" is more of a, hey, I like you! We rub along together well! You make me laugh and I feel good with you, I feel attracted to you! I've looked around at your friends and seen the foundations of your life (job, family relationships, financials, upbringing) and I'm comfortable with them. Great, let's go! Let's not overthink it!

I don’t buy into this idea of when you know you know. Nobody knows the fate of their relationship, whether you’re together for 1 year or 10 years prior to marriage. People nor life is static, you will change, circumstances will throw themselves at you, no one can know with any degree of certainty that their marriage will be a long and happy one, you just hope it is, and hopefully you’ve done some calculations along the way looking at compatibility, red flags etc to minimise the risk.

It can work but the fact it has worked for you is just complete luck. It’s not because you had some higher level insight at 8 months that others don’t. There are studies that show that it takes 2-3 years to really know someone, and if the mask is going to slip, it can take this long for it to happen. It’s not unheard of for a perfect tale like yours to turn into a dreadful situation. Many women report their partners only turning abusive and/or controlling once a baby has been born for example. So you got lucky. But for most, it’s better to wait a longer period because human beings are skilled at hiding who they really are for much longer than 8 months.

By the same token my sister met het ex husband dated for a couple of years then got engeged and lived together for a couple of years and planned the wedding
Had a lovely wedding lots of family and friends and got divorcrd after 18 years
My point being no relationship is guaranteed.

Yes, that's probably more accurate. 😂

My DSD and her DH had their first dd before their first anniversary of meeting. She's 4 now, they have another 8 month old dd and have been married for 2 years.

No, when you know, you hope.

There are always posts like this on threads like this. How many of us who rushed into marriage actually post to say how it didn't work out?

I got married after a fairly short time and then had a baby. I ended up being financially and emotionally abused and raised my child alone. Does that help?

Didn't get married straight away, but I did move in with DH after 6 weeks together. Got married 4 years later. That was over 30 years ago, now have grown DC and GC. Still happy together. When you know, you know.

Getting married after 8 months is rushed by definition of the word rushed! It's a very short time and it's impossible to really know someone after that period, although of course if you move in together early too you'll accelerate the process. Some people are lucky and it works out, but more people 'just know' and end up divorced or in domestically abusive relationships than those who stay happily married for the long term. 'just knowing' is a convenient story people tell themselves that can only get evidenced in hindsight.

Abdolutley its my 21st wedding anniverary next week

We marrried after six months if we split up it wouldnt be because we got married to w
quickly

It might not always end badly, but I'd say that marrying someone you've only known a short time is always rash.

I got engaged in my early 20s after 6 weeks, married (and pregnant) shortly after. Been married 25 years now.

I know a few people who got hitched fairly fast post mid 30s which I think is fair enough. You've been through major life stages like uni, settling into career etc and if you want to start a family and want to marry before doing that, fair enough.

This is a good point actually, I met my now DH through an in-person hobby as well where he had been involved for a long time and had a reputation/friendships there. So I didn't feel I needed to evaluate "is he an axe murderer" just our own capability to rub along well as partners

DH and I got married four months after we started dating and married a year after that. We didn’t live together. Mind you he wasn’t a stranger I’d met online, I’d known him socially through a shared interest for a while. It will be our 36th anniversary next month. We sadly couldn’t have children, but you can’t have everything. At the time we married, no one seemed to think we were rushing into anything.

I am curious about people who feel it's essential to be together for years, or live together during the "evaluation" phase: what data points did you gain after the first year, that you didn't already know from the first year?

The first time I was engaged it was after a long 5 year relationship where we lived together and shared accounts etc. We followed the path you are "supposed" to do of slowly escalating from dating, to relationship, to moving in etc. That relationship failed, luckily I realised in time!

When I met my husband I was 30 and looking to have kids. We both stated upfront that we were looking for marriage/kids and not to date casually. We got married about a year after we started dating having met each other's families, but not moved in together.

I'll advise my children to do the same. With my first partner, it felt like we only evaluated each other for the next step, but not for our entire lives. And then at some point we were living together and figured it was sort of the default next step to get engaged. After all it would be a pain to call it off now and have to move out wouldn't it?

I think people should be clear on what data points they are looking for (e.g. want to see them with family, or travel with them, or see them during a tough work period, or evaluate sexual compatibility) but not just drag things out for years as a trial period.

The thing about living with someone before marriage,? . How does that work if it's not an option, say for religious reasons

I'm 55. It seems more common now actually that people marry rather than living together.

Out of a group of 6 friends I had at school i was the only one to get married and I was 39 at the time

8 months is long compared to some cultures. I work with a lot of Bengali people and 3 of their adult kids have married recently, none of them had been with the spouses more than 5 months when the wedding took place

You also were a call girl and your husband killed your pimp? And you accidentally stole a suitcase of cocaine and ended up in a mass shoot out with the mafia?? 😂

I would not personally aspire to love in the style of True Romance, but each to their own 😂